Dealing with the blended family? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 6 Old 02-02-2006, 09:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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It was suggested that I xpost this here .... so ... here I go. Thanks in advance for any words of wisdom!

I'm struggling emotionally right now. Shortly after ex moved out, his gf got pregnant. She has three kids of her own, and they bought a huge house they can't afford (like they both are driving around on bald tires), and they're having this baby.

The kids prefer the big 5 bedroom house to our tiny 2-bedroom trailer. They prefer having three agemates who live there when they do. I've dealt with these things. But the baby is due soon -- less than a year after we separated -- and I'm worried that the emotional fallout will be harder than I wish. If I had a little b rother / sister (and I do have a half-sibling) I know that I would want to go and live with them and be with them.

Has anyone else dealt with this?
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#2 of 6 Old 02-03-2006, 01:16 AM
 
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We sort of deal with it on both sides. DH and I both have 6 year old girls from a previous marriage and then we have a baby together.

We have primary custody of my DD and joint custody of DSD, who is with us every weekend. Both want to be with us ALL the time.
My DD doesn't like to visit her dad too much, although she is getting better with it. For a long time, I couldn't even get her out of the car. She would cry and cry. Now things are better and sometimes she even asks to stay with him longer.
DSD wants to live with us, but her bio-mom won't let her. She feels very left out and has jealousy and self-esteem issues.

We can only do what's best for them while they are here. We don't show our feelings about our ex's or say that we are glad they don't want to be with them. I always tell my daughter how much her daddy loves her and wants to be with her.....and the same for my step-daughter. Hopefully your ex shows the same respect to you.

So anyway~I don't really have any advice, I just wanted to share a similar story. I think it's normal for kids to want to be with the other parent and you can only shower them with love while they are with you. They will realize that a bigger house, doesn't mean more love.

I hope this makes sense....I'm nak.....takes forever to type!!!

Hope things work out for you.
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#3 of 6 Old 02-03-2006, 01:38 PM
 
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I replied to you over on Single Parenting, but wanted to add some extra *hugs* and support here as well.

good luck!
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#4 of 6 Old 02-03-2006, 02:38 PM
 
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Dh and I had a baby when my stepkids were still quite young, the youngest just 2. They were happy and excited (and I wish their mom had been more open to that!), but I can't say I ever got the impression that they 'only' wanted to be with us and their new sister. Their mom is their mom, and each home had its own pluses and minuses. Maybe your kids will find that it's great to have a new sibling, but also a bonus to have a baby-less mom's place to retreat to sometimes as well. I don't think you need to pump up the latter or make having the new sib sound negative - allow them to feel their excitement and be free to talk about their experiences, rather than shutting them down, and just trust that it will all balance out.
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#5 of 6 Old 02-03-2006, 02:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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To be quite honest, I think as far as the parenting aspect I'm doing well.

In fact, when they first told the kids Morgaine came home and said, "Oh, A has a baby in her belly. ..... I wish Daddy would have a baby too." And I explained to her that the baby in A's belly was Daddy's too, and that the baby would be her little sister or brother, and dealt well with the "But how can that be? Daddy's not divorced yet, and A still has a husband, too."

And also I've embraced A as well as I can -- I go out of my way to be kind, I love her kids, I gave them each a carrier (I have a carrier business) and shared maternity clothes, but I don't think I've been overly sweet either. I feel genuinely happy for them. And I think the kids are getting good vibes from me, and the ex is pretty good about keeping the grownup issues away, and I call A out when she tries to put the kids in the middle of things.

The big thing for me is my own emotional fallout. I feel really equipped to support the kids, but I'm feeling anxious and insecure within myself ... does that make sense???
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#6 of 6 Old 02-03-2006, 05:21 PM
 
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That makes total sense. It's wonderful that you're self-aware and generous enough not to make things tougher for the kids. Just be kind to yourself and give it time - maybe think about some inexpensive peer counselling, or journalling or whatever?
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