How often does the absent parent come up in convo/thoughts? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 6 Old 03-29-2006, 11:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi everybody! I've just started lurking in this forum because me and my bf have decided to co parent. It is definately harder than I thought it would be, making the transition from single mama (since ds has been born) to sharing decisions.
One thing I have been thinking a lot about lately is how often I think about ds' bio father. I don't have unresolved issues with us, it's more thoughts like "Wow, he just looks exactly like his father" or "That is something his father would have done" etc. I'm kind of uncomfortable bringing it up to my bf because well, it just feels wierd. At the same time I feel bad for not saying sharing my thoughts. We have a wonderful honest relationship, and I sometimes feel like I'm hinding it from him. How do you all deal with this in your relationships? Do you share your thoughts or keep them to yourself? Ds is still young, so maybe will time make these thoughts fade? Have you found this to be true?

                   
Dp, me dreads.gif  ds#1  goodvibes.gif, ds #2 jog.gif and ds#3 drool.gif

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#2 of 6 Old 03-31-2006, 07:50 PM
 
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I have those same issues (little DS looks EXACTLY like his father, and yet exactly like my bf's niece )

I don't have any really good advice, I've been battling this on my own. I mention it about 50% of the time, so I try and keep the "speak your truth" policy going in the relationship but refrain from the "ooooh, isn't it cute when he does that his dad used to do that same thing when he slept" kind of comments.

What's been hard for me is when I start thinking about what the ex is missing. Those are the thoughts that are really difficult to process. We planned to have DS and had all these hopes and it all went down the toilet (thanks to meth and alcohol towards the end of my preg, completely out of left feild).
It's the "wow, he just threw a ball straight" or "wow, look at him playing with his new puppy" thoughts that I know the ex will never get to experience. SO, I have to deal with being sooo greatful and happy that I have an awesome man to share this with, and yet sad because I know there's another guy out there who lost this and will probably not ever be able to get more than a tiny peice of it back.


Just wanted you to know you're not alone.
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#3 of 6 Old 04-05-2006, 02:05 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks woobysma.

                   
Dp, me dreads.gif  ds#1  goodvibes.gif, ds #2 jog.gif and ds#3 drool.gif

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#4 of 6 Old 04-05-2006, 07:57 PM
 
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It looks from your photos that your son is really young (and really cute! Love those big brown eyes!). I think you might find that those thoughts sort of fade with time.

My daughter is seven now. Broke up with her father when she was 9 months old. Been married less than a year. Had a 4-year relationship in between break-up and new marriage.

Anyway, I think I used to have those thoughts and it had to do with feeling a sadness that my daughter was being robbed of a conventional upbringing. I wanted to keep tying her to her dad, thinking that he might come around one day. He never did. I thought some day she would express sadness over this, but instead, she's absolutely in love with my husband, who she considers her dad. We're working on having him adopt her. The bio dad has never paid child support, hasn't seen her in over a year. But he's a total control freak and won't sign consent papers, so we have to do it the hard way. I already got her name changed to our last name, but I will feel better knowing that if something happened to me, he couldn't come and tear her out of the life she knows, you know?

I totally digressed. Sorry. Anyway, I probably didn't help much, but know that you are not alone.
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#5 of 6 Old 04-05-2006, 08:06 PM
 
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Papaya - I your dds' names
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#6 of 6 Old 04-05-2006, 08:15 PM
 
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Thanks!
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