New baby in the noncustodial mom's house - Mothering Forums

 
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#1 of 5 Old 03-30-2006, 04:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Maybe a little different than the other thread (where I said everything would be fine!). Dss lives with us about 5 days a week, is at his mom's every other weekend and Tuesdays. He has been in dad's custody since he was 3 (he's 11 now). His mom lives here now but previously lived far away. Ok, so 2.5 year ago we had a baby, and ds seemed to adjust fine. A year ago, his mom had a baby and he seemed to adjust fine. Now, his mom just had another baby and he seems really pissed. He has missed 3 visitations now, and the time he went, she said they just argued the whole time. He just doesn't want to go over there. When she calls, he does ask about the baby, but he doesn't want to go and he's been really grumpy at our house too. He seemed fine during her pregnancy, but the day I took him to see the baby in the hospital is when it all seemed to go down hill. It has only been 2 weeks, but I am struggling to find ways to help him, or help dh help him. I am trying to see it from his perspective as I see it (annoyed/confused that the mom who didn't raise him is now raising two other kids?), but on the other hand, I think, lots of kids have siblings what's the deal here? He seems totally unwilling to talk about it, just says he's fine.
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#2 of 5 Old 03-31-2006, 05:36 AM
 
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Have you tried talking to him about what he thinks families should be like? Alex was fantastic with Skye up until he found out that his daddy is having another baby: at that point, sibling rivalry hit with a vengeance (to be precise, it hit his brother, the furniture, and everything else imaginable.) It turns out that he thinks he should be part of a typical nuclear family with 2 children, 2 parents (he can handle them being divorced, or even the stepparents) but the idea of being part of a blended family with 5 children in total just got a bit overwhelming for him.
I have no idea how he's going to respond to the idea that we might want a few more babies...

Helen mum to five and mistress of mess and mayhem, making merry and mischief til the sun goes down.
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#3 of 5 Old 03-31-2006, 11:45 AM
 
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I think he is eleven now and eleven feels differently about new sibs than 7 does. He is a boy and boys aren't terribly fond of babies. I think as the CSM you should just back off and let it ride. Let him work this out and just stay open. If he comes to talk to you great but don't push him. Let him work it out. I am sure he would have loyalty issues coming to you or his dad to complain about his mom so you might not be the best folks for him to talk to about this anyways.
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#4 of 5 Old 03-31-2006, 12:37 PM
 
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It might just be his age too.
I knwo when my older son hit 11, he went through the same transformation regarding visitation.
He always used to go, no problem and then all of sudden, he was getting an attitude about going , challenging his dad and just being miserable about going at all.
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#5 of 5 Old 03-31-2006, 09:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I agree he does have loyalty issues about coming to us about it, which is terrible because who else does he have?

He has changed towards visitation in general I guess. He and his mom argue now, but he hasn't not gone on visitation since he was like 6 so it was surprising to me that he has skipped two weekends with her and a Tuesday. Everyone's letting him do his thing.

One issue I think is that he is 11 and has chores and responsibilties at both houses, which are slowing filling up with babies. In some ways I love the age difference but it's hard that he has 3 brothers under 2.5 who don't have to take out hte trash, or walk the dog, and throw tantrums, and sleep in the parents bed, etc.
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