Please help my sons father be a daddy - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 6 Old 04-13-2006, 01:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
Eather's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 117
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I am a single mom of a 14 month old my sons father is recently wanting to play a role in his life. I don't think he is a horrible person but I do think he needs some help learning what to do. I can't get him to do anything for the baby. Like changing diapers,feeding, playing, clothing, etc. He literally shakes and get very clumbsy when he is around him I know he is a nervous wreck around the baby I have tried so hard to make him comfortable, but I think this is a problem he might not be able to overcome. That being said i'm sure other dads have gone thru things like this and I would just like any suggestion or thoughts on the subject. Also I would like to get him involved with some support groups or family groups that are AP friendly so the he can see that it's not just me that breastfeeds and co-sleeps etc. His family is very mainstream when it comes to things like that. He says he understands and agrees with the way I have been raising our son but I think it would be good for him to hear it form other parents as well and not feel like were gonna raise a freak child because I'm not doing thing the way his mother did. If anyone knows of any good links or has suggestions please let me know.
Eather is offline  
#2 of 6 Old 04-13-2006, 06:32 PM
 
MommyMine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 689
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have no suggestions but I think that most men are nervous at first and the only thing for it is what you had- trial by fire. Leave him with his kid for a short time and let him do it. If you really are afraid maybe suggest he be with someone you know who can help him but remember any help will quickly become a crutch if he isn't forced to do it himself.

Men are so good at just passing off work...this stuff isn't "hard" but it is intese and the only way to learn is to do.

No suggestions for the attachment parenting. I think you have a lifetime of co-parenting so I think you should tell him your thoughts but be open to his. He may have different parenting ideas and his are just as valid as yours. you are both parents.

Research shows that dad's bring a different perspective that is good for kids so be open to his different ideas.
MommyMine is offline  
#3 of 6 Old 04-13-2006, 08:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
Eather's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 117
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have given him time alone, and when I come back the baby is soaking wet and hasn't been fed and is usually upset. I do like the idea of him being around someone other than me to help him but he says he wants to just be alone with him which I understand and I also think that he would use it as a crutch because he is still doing that with me too. What I don't understand is why he can't figure out that when a baby cries at this age they usually need something fairly basic. I can't understand why he cant just take care of those simple needs.
Also I would love for him to have some parenting input whatever it may be, he just doesn't really have any input and hasn't educated himself about any of this, he has said to me that he agrees with the way I have done things so far that is why I asked about any tips about that specifically. As I said before he has just recently made an effort to come and see him. So that is why I am trying to find anything that might help him- A. learn to communicate with me and B. start learning how to take care of his child like a real man. I tried to get him to go to a co-parenting class with me but couldn't get him there either. I think sending him some insightful links would be a good start, It is like watching a 14 yr old boy trying to take care of a baby and he is 30 by the way. I was hoping someone might have some good suggestions on support groups etc. and not just try to analize me for what I have or havn't done. If I didn't think he had a valuable role in my sons life I wouldn't have posted this, but thanks so much.
Eather is offline  
#4 of 6 Old 04-13-2006, 08:49 PM
 
MommyMine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 689
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
my guess is unless he asked for the advice that will go over like a lead balloon.

It will get better. More time will get him better.

What does he say when you point out she is hungry and wet?

One other thing, consider his total number of hours he has had to learn what to do and how much your daughter has changed in between visits. It is frusterating that they arn't as good as us but if they see them only EOW for two hours, well after a month they only have four hours of experience where as we have a months! And next month the kid is totally different so they will always be behind the curve.
MommyMine is offline  
#5 of 6 Old 04-13-2006, 10:32 PM
 
Kindermama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: she's only happy in the Son
Posts: 2,629
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
I have given him time alone, and when I come back the baby is soaking wet and hasn't been fed and is usually upset.
honestly, I wouldn't leave my baby alone with anyone who did meet my baby's basic needs. Babysitter, grandma, daddy....I don't care who it is. If they can't change a diaper, feed a baby and comfort him/her, then they shouldn't be left alone with the baby.

Since he is making an effort to visit, I would just stick with visits where you are within reach....different room or different floor of the house. Also, he should watch you and your son interact and watch how you meet his needs so that he can learn how to do it himself. It doesn't take long to learn how to change a diaper, feed a baby and comfort a baby. Local hospitals might have new parenting classes geared more towards parents of newborns but he's gotta start somewhere.

Consciously mothering 3 girls and 2 boys
Kindermama is offline  
#6 of 6 Old 04-24-2006, 11:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
Eather's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 117
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I really appreciate all the positive suggestions. I agree, I don't think leaving a one year old baby alone with anyone that can't change a diaper after 6 months is a good idea. I am trying to stay positive and think his visits are doing some good but when my son crys the whole time he is there it is heartbreaking for one and really makes me wonder why this guy can't soothe him for just a few minutes, without running to get me or standing next to me with him crying to see if I will handle it.
Eather is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off