the boys say they don't want to go..... - Mothering Forums

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Old 04-26-2006, 10:08 AM - Thread Starter
 
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hi all...new to this forum. My boys are 8 and 11 aNd just recently both have said they do NOT want to visit their dad for weekends anymore. This is the lowdown.....dad lives grandma. Grandma is one of the coldest, most physically and emotionally distant people I have ever had the unfortunate instance to meet. She does not hug, or tell people she loves them.....or anything positive .....she is a cold fish. Over the five years the boys have been spending weekends with their dad.....the problem has escalated. The other problem is that dad is a bully, he is a control freak and he is also a mamas boy. Its a rough situation , and alot of his behavior is why
WE are no longer together. He is verbally abusive and downright mean. The boys hate visiting. The younger one cries before hand sometimes and the older has started becomeing very beligerent , I believe because he doesn't want to go. I have witnessed first hand , grandmas behavior. She doesn't smile at them when they arrive....not a nice word to say. I am really tired of it...they are my children and I feel like I must protect them. Please give me some advice...I want to tell their dad they do NOT want to visit at grandmas anymore...but my boys are afraid for me to tell him that. I am at a loss.
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Old 04-26-2006, 02:26 PM
 
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send them. You have a legal obligation to do so.

If you think they are ready to say this to their dad in court then take him to court to try to change the custody agreement.

Consider however that I did this same routine and begged not to visit my dad as a kid. I loved him and needed him so bad it hurt me to pieces but I begged to not see him because I was worried about how my mom was doing without me. My mom laughs becuase she says she loved her time off- but as a kid it was inconcivable to me that my mom could survive without me.
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Old 04-26-2006, 02:38 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MommyMine
send them. You have a legal obligation to do so.

If you think they are ready to say this to their dad in court then take him to court to try to change the custody agreement.

Consider however that I did this same routine and begged not to visit my dad as a kid. I loved him and needed him so bad it hurt me to pieces but I begged to not see him because I was worried about how my mom was doing without me. My mom laughs becuase she says she loved her time off- but as a kid it was inconcivable to me that my mom could survive without me.
Maybe that is the case, but if he's verbally abusive, it could be the case that the children are tired of dealing with it. When they start getting upset about going again, sit down with them and ask, "Why do you guys not want to visit your dad?" And see where their answers go. In their answers, you can perhaps see if it's a "mama can't make it without us around" or it's of the "he calls us names and treats us badly" kind of deal.

Good luck, mama!
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Old 04-26-2006, 02:45 PM
 
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: Definitely talk to them and get an idea of why they don't want to go - and then go from there. Does their dad push for visitation? Would it be a battle to have them stop seeing him at Grandma's? If not, I'd let an 11 yo & and 8yo decide for themselves if they feel it's not a good environment. I know the courts wait until about 12years to let a child decide (I think) - but I'd trust my 8yo to make up his mind and wouldn't make him go somewhere he didn't want to go.
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Old 04-27-2006, 10:45 AM - Thread Starter
 
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the oldest is more verbal about not wanting to go.....the younger just seems upset and a bit fearful.
ds 11 yo, says grandma is mean....she yells at them all the time and she is never happy about anything. He says dad yells alot too....although he is not specific about what. He has started requesting to spend part of his weekend alotted to dad , with his friend at his house...which his dad is allowing. This leaves ds 8 yo all by himself. Their are NO toys for them....there is nothing for them to do! They are not allowed their OWN tv time...or anything.....I am so frustrated and my heart aches when i have to let them leave.
Dad definitely WANTS his visitation. YES, getting vistitation away from grandmas would be next toimpossible, since he lives with her. I have tried to talk to ex dh....but he is not the most reasonable......

luckily...this weekend will not be at grandmas.....ex dh has a friend in the country who they are visiting....but there again.....I think they pick on the boys collectively there , as well. ds 11 yo, has mentioned it a few times......I just don't know how i can protect them from mean behaviors from others that they love and try to trust.....I feel powerless to keep them safe and loved.
It upsets me soooo much when they are gone.....i feel high levels of anxiety wondering if they are being hassled or taken care of lovingly......please, please.....tell me what you would do?
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Old 04-27-2006, 01:29 PM
 
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Yk, when I first read the title and started reading your post, I was gonna say send them anyway and go into detail about how children really want to visit but say they don't for a host of reasons. But I trust my gut and my gut says that your boys are uncomfortable at their dads and my heart goes out. That said, it is your obligation to send them, and you said that their dad wants to see them. So here is what I am convinced you need to start to do. You need to communicate for them to your ex. Now I know that alot of ex's don't want to hear that the children don't want to visit b/c they think that the parent with physical custody is just trying to be a PITA. But what you should do is communicate to your ex privately first what the boys are saying. You need to let him know straight up that your intention is not for them to not visit, rather to treat them as people who deserve to be heard and respected. Let him know that if he has issue's with you he can address them the same way. At least this way if he feels that the boys are not portraying him accurately he can think about what might be bothering them and try to help them. It might shock him to know they are saying they don't want to visit? You should bring it up to him. If the boys tell you he bullies them about it, then you go back to him and address that issue and let him know that you will not tolerate that type of behavior towards them. Then you remind him that your eldest is almost old enough to "decide for himself" and that you really don't want him to stop seeing his dad and would like to work this out before something drastic happens. I think that will open up his eyes a little more if he thinks about how your oldest might be able to go into court and tell a Judge that his dad bullies him and that his grandma doesn't act like she wants him around. It is your duty to be a voice for your children. Don't be afraid to bring this up. I know it has been uncomfortable for me to bring things up to my ex for my almost 7 yo daughter who unfortunately lives with him. But the more I do, the better things get. I'll tell you that at first he was not too receptive, but I persisted and now he knows that I won't give in or give up when something is bothering our daughter and he has conceded to address issues when they arise instead of trying that I don't have to listen to you, were not married, she lives with me, I'm the boss of her crap. Good luck.
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Old 04-27-2006, 02:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thank you so much for your words.....they make alot of sense....I know I have to talk to my ex, I really am still intimidated by him and all that old stuff comes up whenever I have to broach something difficult.
I know he would be really hurt if ds 11yo decides he doesn't want to visit anymore when he is legally able.....so maybe he will listen.
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Old 05-08-2006, 07:43 PM
 
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Send them while you fight the legalities........buy your kids GameBoys for dad's house that way they have something to do and keep out of "trouble" there. You can limit their Gamaboy useage for your house.
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Old 05-08-2006, 10:53 PM
 
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talk to them about why they don't want to go and see if there is any way of residing it.

my two sons are from my previous marriage. We split up when I was pregnant with my 2nd son because he met someone else. My 3 1/2 yr old has only been going for visitations with his dad for about 5 months now since he moved closer and he's been pulling the last 3-4 times that he does not want to go. He actually has no reason to my knowlege other than him just not wanting to leave me. I heard they all go through that at one point. Not saying that your kids don't have any reason to.. it could be the things you said or it could be a phase as well.

If they truly don't pull out of it talk to them about rather they are ready to say that in court.. explain to them that you have a legal agreement that they have to go unless they themselves choose other wise.

Good luck!
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