Join Date: May 2006
Location: Urbandale, Iowa
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I am the mother of a son, 17, and a daughter, 14. Stepmom to two girls, 14 and 12, and a boy, 9.
My husband and I have been together for four years, married for a month. Two nights ago, his daughter, 14, told him she couldn't stand me, that I drive her nuts, etc.
I thought we had a pretty good relationship by now -- despite her lying, which has been an issue the past couple of years, I had worked hard to earn her trust as a friend, not as a mom.
So after I learned she was feeling negatively toward me, I tried to talk to her calmly in her room, but she was unable to tell me why she disliked me, only that she had felt this way a long time and had neglected to tell her dad before we married because she wanted him to be happy.
Get this -- the whole time I was trying to talk with her, she was paging very deliberately through a photo album of her parents' wedding photos! Hmmm ... wonder what she was trying to tell me ...
Anyway, here's a synopsis of the rest of the night.
1. She won't talk to me. I leave the room. She runs downstairs and out the door, crying hysterically.
2. She takes a walk and calls her mom, who doesn't care for me and is all too happy we're havig drama.
3. She returns. My husband sits with all three kids on the porch and tells them (the 12-year-old relayed this to me later) that if they weren't happy with me, he and I would split up.
4. They return inside and we all try to sit down and talk. The result? She is defiant, saying "maybe" she had said she disliked me but it was none of my business why, and also that she dislikes my daughter, who is also 14 and whom she has known since they were very little. (Why doesn't she like my daughter? She says it's because my daughter is in a "popular clique" and makes her feel insecure.)
5. She speaks disrespectfully toward me, snapping in a very nasty manner, and I tell her to knock it off. My husband then defends her, asking me how I thiink I can talk to his daughter that way.
6. It's past bedtime. The stepkids refuse to sleep in their rooms because I am upstairs and "I have been mean to (stepdaughter)." The 9-year-old boy, usually the sweetest child in the world, says, "Na na na na na na, I hate Lisa."
7. Husband tells me that by going upstairs and confronting his daughter -- and by "mouthing off at her" in the kitchen -- I have done "irreparable damage." He sleeps downstairs with his kids!
Honestly -- I feel as if I have been hit by a train. My daughter witnessed the whole thing and tells me she is behind me, whatever I decide -- that stepdaughter's lying is making her angry, and that she's upset my husband didn't stick up for me. I was on my own for seven years and have no qualms about taking my kids and leaving. Husband says I owe it to all of them to stay and try to work this out.
I feel like suggesting he give my wedding ring to his daughter. I don't mean to imply anything improper, but he acted more as if she was his wife than I was that night.
Any advice? Thanks in advance.