Married 1 Month, About to Move Out - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 10 Old 05-11-2006, 03:17 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am the mother of a son, 17, and a daughter, 14. Stepmom to two girls, 14 and 12, and a boy, 9.

My husband and I have been together for four years, married for a month. Two nights ago, his daughter, 14, told him she couldn't stand me, that I drive her nuts, etc.

I thought we had a pretty good relationship by now -- despite her lying, which has been an issue the past couple of years, I had worked hard to earn her trust as a friend, not as a mom.

So after I learned she was feeling negatively toward me, I tried to talk to her calmly in her room, but she was unable to tell me why she disliked me, only that she had felt this way a long time and had neglected to tell her dad before we married because she wanted him to be happy.

Get this -- the whole time I was trying to talk with her, she was paging very deliberately through a photo album of her parents' wedding photos! Hmmm ... wonder what she was trying to tell me ...

Anyway, here's a synopsis of the rest of the night.

1. She won't talk to me. I leave the room. She runs downstairs and out the door, crying hysterically.

2. She takes a walk and calls her mom, who doesn't care for me and is all too happy we're havig drama.

3. She returns. My husband sits with all three kids on the porch and tells them (the 12-year-old relayed this to me later) that if they weren't happy with me, he and I would split up.

4. They return inside and we all try to sit down and talk. The result? She is defiant, saying "maybe" she had said she disliked me but it was none of my business why, and also that she dislikes my daughter, who is also 14 and whom she has known since they were very little. (Why doesn't she like my daughter? She says it's because my daughter is in a "popular clique" and makes her feel insecure.)

5. She speaks disrespectfully toward me, snapping in a very nasty manner, and I tell her to knock it off. My husband then defends her, asking me how I thiink I can talk to his daughter that way.

6. It's past bedtime. The stepkids refuse to sleep in their rooms because I am upstairs and "I have been mean to (stepdaughter)." The 9-year-old boy, usually the sweetest child in the world, says, "Na na na na na na, I hate Lisa."

7. Husband tells me that by going upstairs and confronting his daughter -- and by "mouthing off at her" in the kitchen -- I have done "irreparable damage." He sleeps downstairs with his kids!

Honestly -- I feel as if I have been hit by a train. My daughter witnessed the whole thing and tells me she is behind me, whatever I decide -- that stepdaughter's lying is making her angry, and that she's upset my husband didn't stick up for me. I was on my own for seven years and have no qualms about taking my kids and leaving. Husband says I owe it to all of them to stay and try to work this out.

I feel like suggesting he give my wedding ring to his daughter. I don't mean to imply anything improper, but he acted more as if she was his wife than I was that night.

Any advice? Thanks in advance.
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#2 of 10 Old 05-11-2006, 03:36 PM
 
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I think the problems with a 14yo step-daughter are to be expected (not that it's all okay), but your husband is way out of line. I don't know what to tell you. I wouldn't want to stay either. All I can say is that if he'll agree to marriage counseling, then maybe you could stick around. But if he won't, I don't see how things can get better. He's the main problem, as far as I can see.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
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#3 of 10 Old 05-11-2006, 05:50 PM
 
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OMG, your husband did what???? Oh, geez, that is so wrong on so many levels....

I'd feel like a truck had hit me too.

I agree with the previous poster that the occasional "I hate you, and by the way, my parents sure looked great together at their wedding" is not unheard of from a stepdaughter in the 8-16 age range. Not fun, but not unheard of, and it sounds like you were doing your best to deal.

Empowering one's children to blow apart the family on an immature whim is incredibly unhealthy, though. If your husband was having any misgivings about your relationship, he owed it to you to discuss them with you in private, not put it all out there for the kids to have 'final say' with no notice to you at all.

I agree counselling is in order, if he and you want to work on this. Personally, I'd make it a condition, if he's wanting counselling, that he assemble the kids first and apologize to you in front of them for his stupid comment, explain that it is hard blending a family and that he made a poor judgment call, and that he is committed to the process of coming together and making it work.
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#4 of 10 Old 05-11-2006, 06:29 PM
 
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I don't have much to add to what the pp's said. But I totally agree. SDs can probably be expected to mouth off to Stepmoms occassionally, but your DH was WAAAAAAY out of line.

The only other thing I would add is that if it were me, when I suggested counselling as a condition of working things out, the conversation would be had from my hotel room. But honestly, I'm not even sure I'd give him that option after the things he said and his actions.
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#5 of 10 Old 05-11-2006, 06:44 PM
 
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No advice for you, but a I hope it works out all right!

Miriam , mom to jumpers.gif
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#6 of 10 Old 05-11-2006, 06:59 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by papayapetunia
I think the problems with a 14yo step-daughter are to be expected (not that it's all okay), but your husband is way out of line. I don't know what to tell you. I wouldn't want to stay either. All I can say is that if he'll agree to marriage counseling, then maybe you could stick around. But if he won't, I don't see how things can get better. He's the main problem, as far as I can see.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
couldn't put it better!

My mom's 2nd marriage was ruined due to a grandson that lived with them - i'd def go for counseling or get out. so sorry!!
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#7 of 10 Old 05-12-2006, 04:29 AM
 
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If leaving is an option, I'd take it. What he just did is so, so wrong on so many levels and if he can't see that then he's an idiot. I don't mean file for divorce immediately, necessarily, but I would go.

Helen mum to five and mistress of mess and mayhem, making merry and mischief til the sun goes down.
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#8 of 10 Old 05-12-2006, 05:04 AM
 
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Seriously the child is total disrespectful, and your husband should try to understand by sides and work out a comprise. If he been with you for four years and now have problem with this type of conflict then he should see that its his daughter not adjusting to the marriage. I think the family should seek counseling or guidance from your spiritual leader. Good Luck!!
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#9 of 10 Old 05-12-2006, 06:32 PM
 
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I agree, sd isn't the problem (sounds very normal teenage drama stuff), dh is. Couples counseling immediately.
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#10 of 10 Old 05-12-2006, 08:07 PM
 
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I would leave if my dh did that. She is doing a normal teen age thing. He is encouraging it and so long as he does that this marriage can not be saved. I am sorry!
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