I lurk here quite a bit, but today I need some input. DH and I are expecting twins soon in addition to the kiddos we already have. I have 4 from my previous marriage and he has one from his. My youngest and his dd are 9 months apart (both girls). My kids have basically been abandoned by their bio father and are very close to DH. Especially my youngest (dd 3 yo). We have made a good amount of headway with the jealousy factor (his 4 yo dd loved to yell in my daughters face that he was her dad and NOT my dds dad). DH had a hard time at first with sharing himself equally between the two, but he has made a HUGE amount of progress. To the point it is basically a non issue now. I have made it a point to thank him and acknowledge his efforts - numerous times.
But there is a new problem. DH has no qualms about disciplining my children at any time. Which is fine with me, as I want us to have an equal relationship in that regards. But he is completely unable to discipline is daughter. We have her every weekend - which is sort of a sore pot with me, as I would like one weekend every once in a while to ourselves, but I guess besides the point here. She REFUSES to listen to me. About anything. Put your shoes away, don't scream at the top of your lungs in the restaurant for no reason, share (a HUGE prob as she is an only child at her moms and is NEVER told no or to share), etc. She will either ignore me like she can't hear me (being less than a foot from me) or look straight at me and openly defy me. When I then ask DH to step in, he will say something like "DD you need to listen to her" and then that's it. No follow up, no getting down on her level and making her comply. What I mean there is if one of my kids defies him to say put their coat away, I will explain the need to listen to DH to them and then have them follow through on what was asked of them - he does not have her follow through - the prob is just dropped.
I have made a point in saying that I understand she is not going to listen to me right now. Do I like it? No. Am I willing to work on it slowly? Yes. But in the meantime I want him to be the enforcer with her then. And he can't. He just can't. He has no ability to say no to her. If I push him into saying no, he will say it, but not follow through on it. So it has no meaning. I don't want to be unreasonable, but I do want his DD to follow the same basic rules as the other kids when she is here. As of late, that has not happened and now I am seeing a difference in how my kids ac when she is around. They notice she gets away with certain things and now they are trying to do the same. The worst part is, DH will correct my kiddos and still not correct his DD. I do love my DSD. I do, but I am 33 wks pregnant wit twins and I don't have the energy to keep fighting this battle right now. What do I do???