Abusing the stepkids - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 11 Old 05-22-2006, 11:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi, this is a long story so beware.

I know a women and have been close with her for over a year. This women lets call her A is a step mom to three kids. I made friends with her and found out that like my own mother she was raising three stepkids fulltime. It was cool for me to see that, I was the youngest of five kids my eldest siblings were my half siblings. So A and I made fast friends she had kids my childrens ages and we got together often. I found out that HER eldest daughter was her husbands stepchild and their youngest was the only one they shared.I started seeing issues with her stepkids. They would try to talk to their stepmom and she would yell and be very harsh with them sometimes sending them to their rooms for the whole day.

The children at the begining were 16, 12 and 11 the youngest being a girl. The two parents had both of their ex's gone for good, A's ex left and her husbands ex was a drug addict and not allowed to see the kids. A demanded that her husband treat her child as his own but has confided in me how she hates her step kids and wishes they weren't around so they could afford to have more children from her own womb.

I have been quiet, I respected her right to react to her situation untill a little while ago. I watched the eldest son move fromt he house because he was told time and again how he wasn't allowed to use their tv or computer and was treated like a border. He saw A have her younger brother in the house and be allowed to use the computer he saw A pay her brothers phone bills while this 16 year old had to buy his own laundry soap. I understood his leaving.

Then came the second son, he was told that he was horrible and she hated to have him in the room. He was sent to restbit care because she said she couldn't be around him full time without going nuts. She has PPD so restbit was given. He is now in Fostercare and she has said she will not have him back in her home because he isn't her child and she doesn't have to put up with his antics. I stayed quiet as she complained and try to support her trying to sneak in some of my own opinions.

Then came the little girl. The little girl is told daily that no one wants to be her friend. she is told her teachers call her stepmom and tell her how bad the little girl is. I have children in the same school and we all love this little girl. The little girl is verbaly abused in my mind, she is torn down daily behind her fathers back. We were at dinner one night and she told her daughter she wasn't allowed to go to the washroom! The little 11 year old had taken the younger kids tot he bathroom for us as we ate and so later when the 11 year old said she has to pee her stepmom yelled and threw a fit about how she should have gone when she took the younger kids. The little girl had to sit with her full bladder for half an hour as her stepmom just glarred at her and told her about how not going when the kids went showed how she was manipulative and sneaky*HUH?*Her father has little knowedge of what is happening.


So I did something drastic. I called the husband and asked him what he wanted me to do. I told him I was upset by what I saw and was ready to walk away from the relationship but was conflicted because he and I HAD been bestfriends. he asked me to call his wife and talk to her because he too had been upset on how things were going. He told me that he was being told that he was wrong by his wife and her family and needed someone to share their feelings to help his daughter. So I called her. I was calm and tried to be understanding I even told her how I had felt unwanted as a child and how it effected me. she told me I was projecting my past onto her and her children are not at all like me as a kid. This women lost it and told me I didn't understand. I was told that the children deserved the harshness and more. She said that she didn't marry the kids and owed them nothing. I tried to reason with her and tell her how no child can be called bad they all need a chance to grow. I also said how when you marry a man with children if you find you can't be around his children then you leave the man in my mind and not drive the children fromt he home. I was hung up on. Needless to say the friendship is over . I am left shocked that anyone could feel this way towards a child.

Our babysitter is friends with the little girl and when she found out I had talked to A about her actions she confided in my what the little girl had told her. the little girl told her friend that she was told daily that the baby isn't as much her sister as she is A's other daughters sister. She is told that she is bad like her mom and other vile things.

I called DCFS. It was nasty but I felt I had no choice because A is set in her mind that these children are bad and won't give them a chance. I asked that they go and talk to the girl soon because A was planning on homeschooling the girl and that meant the little girl couldn't confide in teachers or anyone she will be cut off for any kindness.

I come from a blended family and I have two children from a previous relationship that my husband has taken in as his own. This whole thing to me seems grose. What are your thoughts? Was I right to call and I not understanding this? My thoughts are if you marry someone with kids you HAVE to give the children the same amount of kindness you give the ones from your own body. I am getting emails and IM telling me how she feels I have issues and how I shouldn't attack people when I don't understand what they are going through. I didn't mean for my words to be an attack but rather a point of view from a friend and someone who does understand a bit about being a kid in a blended family and a kid that was disliked by my parents. It hurts me that she is saying this, I meant well and I thought talking to her about my feelings honored our friendship rather then just leaving her quietly and calling DCFS.I know this is her PPD but her words are nasty seeing as her and I have been so close for so long.
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#2 of 11 Old 05-23-2006, 03:04 AM
 
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yes.
I have a friend who called social services on a mutual friend, and the decision divided the community for some time. Expect the backlash to run and run- but you did the right thing.

Helen mum to five and mistress of mess and mayhem, making merry and mischief til the sun goes down.
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#3 of 11 Old 05-23-2006, 11:32 AM
 
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I think the world has evil parents. There are evil bio parents and evil step parents. You are describing everyone's worst nightmare of an evil parent and evil stepparent (since dad is allowing this to happen to his kids!)

I am surprised you could be friends with her for this long.

I doubt cps will do anything but this is horrible.
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#4 of 11 Old 05-23-2006, 03:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for your replies.

I got a call this morning from the family's worker(they have one since the boy was giving into care). She went and ment with the little girl in her school so her step mom wasn't around to pressure her. She is going to call me back and let me know what happened and she wants more information from me also.

I am not trying to be mean so I don't want the kids taken away or anything. I have see my friend slip farther and farther into this black hole treating her step kids worse each day and she needs help. I hope that at least the little boy in care feels better knowing it isn't him thats wrong and the little girl will have a chance of getting kindness. I hope that they get at least that. As for the dad maybe he will see that his wife isn't right in her treatment of the children, and work to protect them.
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#5 of 11 Old 05-24-2006, 07:00 PM
 
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I think you did the right thing. Their are certain situations where DCFS intervention is warranted. This is one of them.

Bethany, crunchy Christian mom to Destiny (11) Deanna (9), and Ethan (2)

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#6 of 11 Old 05-25-2006, 09:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I talked to DCFS again and I was told that they had talked to the little girl and are sure she is being abused. I was asked more questions concerning the other kids, asking if A was this way to her bio Children. I told them that she was very wonderfull with her kids it was just her step kids. I was assured that actions would be taken to insure the childrens safety. They told me that they were going to the house that evening(tuesday). I can't be given information on the phone about what they are doing because I am not family so thats all I know.

I hope they get my exfriend some major counciling to help her.
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#7 of 11 Old 05-25-2006, 09:21 PM
 
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i think you did the right thing and i appluad you for it!!!!!!

Punk, hippy, mama to 4 amazing kiddos, Boy#1 (18), TheGirl (13), Boy#2 (11- PBD) and Boy#3 (6)
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#8 of 11 Old 05-26-2006, 05:33 PM
 
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I had to call CPS on a friend once, and it hurts and it's hard to do, but you did the right thing. Once you've exhausted all your resources as a friend (and you did), it's really your only option. I hope and pray that these kids get everything they need to be safe and to heal.

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#9 of 11 Old 08-13-2006, 04:46 AM
 
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ive been a member awhile.. but only read . was wondering if you had any updates? hoping everything turned out ok in the end
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#10 of 11 Old 08-14-2006, 12:07 AM
 
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I realise I'm a little behind as this happened a few months ago, BUT:

Don't feel bad, you did the right thing. My step-father was almost exactly like that to me, I moved out when I was 16 because I couldn't take it anymore. I remember having a convo while he was in the room once just before I moved out of home, and I was talking to my Mother about how when I was older I wanted to adopt at least one child from overseas somewhere (Like India or Africa) to give them a chance, and he said that I wouldn't love them because they weren't my own and it just wansn't the same. (He was also violent and yelled a lot so most of this was him blowing his top) and I just said that to me it wouldn't matter - to which he just yelled more, I never understood how people saw "blood" relation as such a big thing but him saying that made me understand why he was so unpleasant to me all the time.

I agree with what you say about if you marry someone or are partners with them you should treat their children the way you would treat your own, no child deserves unkindness, just a chance to grow like you said. Sadly not everyone sees it that way.

Would love to hear an update.
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#11 of 11 Old 08-15-2006, 04:30 PM
 
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I'm new -just read all this! How so very sad... she could have been such a positive influence. Amazing how people can treat children so terrible!

I love all my children! I love them all differently because they are different & my two step children are part of my husband & if I didn't accept them- that would mean I didn't accept him fully & what kind of marriage is that... I'm so thankful after reading this he loves mine as much as I love his.
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