Separation Anxiety for moms when kids are on visitation - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 6 Old 06-10-2006, 10:40 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My Ex and I are both teachers and live 3 hours apart. During the summer, he gets our twin boys for 6 weeks and 9 weekends...despite the way I understood the aggreement to be when we signed it. I dread the summers and find myself nearly going into depression when they are gone. I feel as a part of me is missing and it kills me. Anyone ever tried to change the visitation to be more equal? I was working summer school when the agreement was made, but now am staying home, so that during the weeks they were with me, (3) I could spend all that time with them. I hate court and ex will never reason without it. Any advice on what one should do?
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#2 of 6 Old 06-10-2006, 11:45 PM
 
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I don't have a solution for you. My boyfriend get his daughter on holidays and 7 weeks during the summer. She lives about 1500 miles away. He feels like a part of him is missing so much of the time, and it is. He often becomes very depressed at the end of the summer visit. It breaks my heart to see him in such pain.
I think the only thing you can do is try to keep busy, call the boys every day, and be sad when you need to. If you are wanting to change visitation, first consider whether it is to benefit the boys, or to make yourself feel better (which is understandable, of course!) but the courts usually don't change visitation unless there is a substantial change in circumstances. If they boys are with you the majority of the year, and just with your husband for 6 weeks in the summer, the judge is not likely to make a change just to even things out for the summer.
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#3 of 6 Old 06-11-2006, 09:04 PM
 
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I think you should consider that your ex might feel the same way most of the year and that your kids certainly deserve time with both parents.

Visitation is for your kids. I understand how you feel but this isn't about you- it is about them and their needs and they need their dad too.

can you find something to do? Maybe a hobby or take up some activity that can only be done without kids to make this time special for you too? You deserve a treat.

I am a sahm but I try like crazy to keep a piece of "me" because my kids will leave (the oldest is about to drive so I see that as coming soon now!) and I will be left with just me. I don't want to be a cloying mom who needs her adult kids to still be there for me.

Start thinking about what you could get excited about.
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#4 of 6 Old 06-11-2006, 09:14 PM
 
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i'm facing a similar situation. at the moment, the kids only see their dad every few months for a weekend.

once my ex gets into a more permanent situation, i expect (and i hope) that they will go and stay with him for much of the summer and on holidays. being away from my kids even for a few hours gives me anxiety, but it is just something i will have to face for the sake of my kids. i suggest you find something to fill your time, and just make sure you allow yourself to feel sad when you miss your kids. divorce blows, it's not what any of us actually want for our kids, but the best we can do is make the best of it.
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#5 of 6 Old 06-12-2006, 09:43 AM
 
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I agree with the pp who said that while she sympathizes visitation is for the children and that your ex may be feeling the same way. My ex and I agreed on an every other week visitation during the summer. I wanted it that way because our daughter was very young and I thought it was important for her to not go for long periods without seeing one of us. He said that he didn't think he could emotionally handle long periods(he always thinks of himself ). I totally understand how you feel though. This is one of the sad realities of divorce that I never really thought about. I just assumed my child would never be away from me for more than a weekend for some reason. Anyway my ex decided that he wanted to go by the scheduled visitation and not our agreement of every other week. He said it was because he is remarried and his wife has 3 chilren who visit according to schedule and it would be easiest for him to keep them on the same pattern. Once again, thinking of himself. Our daughter is 7 now and when I questioned him as to rather or not he had discussed it with her before making the decision he said no and that she would be fine. The way our schedule is, she is with us for 16 days then it switches and then back again for 16 days and then we switch again. You can always try mediatiation or just let your ex know how your feeling. Maybe he can use it as an opportunity to discuss how he may be feeling the same way during the year and you can reach a new agreement that meets everyone's needs better. I have found that often my ex and I were going through the same emotions and when one of us said how we felt the other was feeling the same way and we could use it as an opportunity to meet "our" needs instead of going by some court imposed schedule or agreement. Everything isn't always black and white. Another suggestion would be to ask your ex if you can drive to where he lives every other weekend and have a visit for a couple hours with your boys. Go out to eat or something. Surely he wouldn't object to that.
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#6 of 6 Old 06-12-2006, 01:11 PM
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Well I read one of your posts earlier and I know you believe in God and when I get anxiety about my dd my husband once told me that she is ultimately Gods child - let him take care of her and do what is best. Sometimes things happen for a reason - may seem hard sometimes, but in the long run may be for the best. Now do I have to share custody with an ex? No. My dd bio-father hasnt seen her since she was 6 - she is 10 now. So would I probably feel the same way - absolutely. Trust God and he will bring that peace you are wanting.
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