Help....I'm so frustrated!!! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 5 Old 06-16-2006, 02:47 PM - Thread Starter
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Well, it's that time of year again where we (my husband and I) get my husband's daughter for the summer. We live in MO and she lives in MS. Having her for the summer is a challenge in itself. She is a sweet girl, yet she is definitely not being raised the way my husband and I raise our two kids. She can be very obnoxious and loud and just doesn't have a whole lot of manners. Part of this is due to her acting out her emotions about how she feels about no longer having her daddy at home with her, which I completely understand. My husband and I have only been married 3 years. He was extremely close to his daughter, who is 11. Also, I NEVER talk to her on the phone when she calls, which is almost every day and I NEVER talk to her mother; although, on occasion when we do talk she is very cordial. My husband and her are also very cordial, so there are no problems there.

There is another huge situation that I just can't seem to get over and that is the child support issue. We pay the bio mom $500 per month which is a struggle every month for us. When they initially divorced and decided on child support, they both lived in Texas and even though it was a court order, they agreed on their own how much my husband would pay. The court system didn't set the amount. We are also responsible for carrying his daughter on our insurance. I hope someone can shed some light on this whole child support thing because this seems so unfair. My husband only makes about $40,000/year, I stay at home with our two children and the bio mom, I would guess, makes $35,000-$40,000/year. I have asked my husband to pursue getting the amount adjusted but it would take money to hire a lawyer and we just don't have it. On top of that, bio mom and stepdaughter now live in Mississippi and we are Missouri. Nobody is even in Texas! So, we would have to hire a Mississippi lawyer since that is where his daughter lives now. Yea, right! More money, not to mention we are not in MS! I don't think my husband really wants to do it anyway. He has so much guilt for leaving his daughter that he doesn't want to rock the boat or ever ask his ex-wife for anything.

The other thing I can't understand and that irks me is when the daughter comes to stay with us for the summer we are still sending bio mom the $500 a month. Of course, we are also incurring more expenses having the daughter with us as well. We also pay for her to fly here. We just dished out $300 for her plane ticket, ONE WAY! No wonder why we are always broke.

I hope someone can give me some advice. I am at my wits end. I feel so angry and bitter, which I know is not good. Is anybody else out there in a similiar situation.

Thanks for listening!

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#2 of 5 Old 06-16-2006, 06:31 PM
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i would suggest calling the attorney general of your state and asking them if you should file a change with them or with texas or with MS. the attorney general if a free service, sooo its better than nothing. and i would also say that- having done this myself with DSS's biomom- develope a relationship with biomom-hard as it is-. i would suggest the book "step-wives" really good advice there. i discuss any issues with child support with bio mom myself, which is alot cheaper for everyone. if you could make her understnad your situation she might be more receptive- it helps to already be on a speaking / somewhat friendly basis already though.

mdcblog5.gif   Liz mama to DS 10, DSS 9, DD 6, DS 3, DD 2 , Aquila- dec 19th 2009 died at my homebirth, and....welcome Willow born 9-16-10 (9 weeks early)  nut.gif
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#3 of 5 Old 06-16-2006, 06:42 PM
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We pay the same amount for timeperiods when they're with us, even if it's a whole month or more - the usual rationale is that child support also goes towards shelter, utilities, and so on, which the custodial parent pays whether or not the kid is there. Of course, we also pay for those things at our end when they're not with us, to have room for them when they're here, but I think it's normally done that way at least around here.
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#4 of 5 Old 06-16-2006, 07:22 PM
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In Virginia, there is a formula set by the courts to determine child support. There is no need to hire a lawyer, you just go to the courthouse and ask them to recalulate based on a circumstance change. Moving would probably be one. Here it is based on the number of days bio mom and dad have the child, income, and expenses paid by each parent (such as health insur, school, etc) For the record, my ex doesn't even pay me $500 for two children! But, he does pay med insurance and medical expenses... During the summer he gets them for 6 weeks, and still pays support during that time, but the amount of days figures up into the yearly breakdown, so it equals up I think. It is a stupid complicated thing sometimes...He had another baby and my support was lowered because he incurred another expense...If I have another child, his support will be raised, because I have incurred another expense...makes no sense! Anyway, I am not sure how it works in every state, but that is VA's way of doing things. Go talk to the Juvenile courts in your city, they may be able to help without the use of a lawyer.
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#5 of 5 Old 06-19-2006, 12:42 AM
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you can search online for Mississippi CS and find a calculator that will help you do the math to see if you are paying a reasonable cs.

However it doesn't sound unreasonable at first blush given those figures, generally cs is 20% of the ncp's income. That would be about $666 per month.

It is standard to pay at least 50% of the uncovered medical costs and often the ncp carries the child on their insurance though out of state sometimes they increase cs so the child can have an instate medical insurance provider for ease.

Usually both pay 50% of childcare as well- if she works and there is childcare and you don't currently pay that would be a huge reason to NOT go back to court.

CS is usally figured as a lump sum and divided over the term of 12m so that it is paid even when skids are custodial for extended periods and a ld parent usually has much less total time than a eowe parent even though you have that long block so you could end up paying MORE since you have her less time if you poke that one. We are ld and we pay cs while we have the skids.

I know that cs is a huge hardship if you are a sahm and you have subsequent children with your dh but it is what it is.

I have found that not thinking about the money as ever being"your" money is best. Just dont' think about it. Honestly- there is no solution adn doing a calculator might help you to see that going to court wouldn't help you much. Then you can just tell yourself to forget it whenever the topic comes up.

i still see red when I think about cs so I just make sure I never think about it.
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