For any custodial Smoms, what changed when you had a baby... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 8 Old 06-25-2006, 07:51 PM - Thread Starter
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My skids live with us full time and have since they were 3 and 9 months.

When my SD was 4, she went to her mothers, and told her that SD was going to be a 'big sister'. What she MEANT was "aunt".... very different meanings, but to her a baby was a baby...

Her mother sent us a sarcastic "Many congratulations on your pregnancy. I am pregnant too..."

Which was highly amusing to us, since we weren't. She then told SD that I must of had an abortion because I didnt have the baby....

Needless to say it's been interesting. Now that we ARE planning on TTC this year... I am not sure how she will take it. She has a much better relationship with us, and she's told SD she doesnt want ANY more kids.

I dont think we are going to tell SD we are pregnant until after the first trimester anyways... or SS for that matter...because we dont want their mother to freak out, and we dont want to tell them they cant tell her.

Should we tell her ourselves before the kids tell her? Frankly it's been a great year for us, but a rather hard one for her. We finaly got married, had a big wedding, then we bought DH the truck he's always wanted, AND bought a house. She still lives with her mother, and her new husband and her daughter in a 3 bedroom rental...and now she has to pay child she isnt thinking happy thoughts toward us and while she's been friendly I dont want to jinx it, or push her into a corner where she gets unhappy.

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#2 of 8 Old 06-26-2006, 10:31 AM
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I became custodial step-mom and bio-mom about the same time. I was extremely overwhelmed because I went from zero to two in one jump!! I think for you, bringing in another child at this point will be pretty much the same as a traiditional situation, especially if your relationships with your step-kids are pretty good now.

As for spreading the news of pregnancy... I would tell your step-kids while they are with you and then tell their mother BEFORE the kids have a chance to. I know that when my step-son brings home news from his mom that I feel she should have told us directly, I get pretty frustrated. I don't think it's the children's responsibility to pass on that information, especially if you know it may make their mom upset. When my step-son tells me something that is going on at his moms (or that she wants us to do) that really ticks me off, I really have to fight off the anger! I hate that he sees my reaction (even just the shock in my face!). I'm also never sure if he got the story right! I think his mom does this because she doesn't have the guts to approach us about whatever it is directly. She'll wait for my husband to bring up the subject. I personally find direct, open conversation the best policy.

Good luck!
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#3 of 8 Old 06-26-2006, 11:44 AM
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I also recommend what Jenna said. Tell the kids when they're with you so SHE doesn't have a chance to steal your thunder. Then tell her before they have a chance to. That way if it does cause her pain she has the chance to get her compusure before she has to deal with the children's excitement.

Not quite the same thing, but my kids' mom will send messages through them and that just drives me crazy. They shouldn't be ever put in the middle like that.
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#4 of 8 Old 06-27-2006, 04:20 PM - Thread Starter
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I agree...

I guess we will have to figure out how to tell her, we've got email or phone is pretty much all the communicating we do.
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#5 of 8 Old 07-13-2006, 11:57 AM
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I'm a f/t step mom of my Dh's three from two previous marriages (third times a charm as they say, lol) from pretty much the get-go (we now have 8 kids, his hers and ours). The oldest just recently moved in with us last Sept. but the other two I've had since we got married over 5 years ago. I personally don't see why it's the BM's business if you're pregnant or not. Granted, I know the kids will go to her place and tell her, but if it were me I wouldn't talk to her before the kids did. It's not as though it's pertinent to her daily life, and if she has a hard time dealing with it, so be it. I guess I'm not the best when it comes to BM' DH's have both been a couple winners....the second one (the most insecure) died of a cocaine overdose a year and a half I still have a sour taste. We never told her when we were expecting, and knew it would drive her nuts when she found out because we had the life she wanted (house, new cars, blah blah), but imo it wasn't her life and it wasn't her business unless the skids decided to share with her.
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#6 of 8 Old 07-22-2006, 08:29 PM
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I too became custodial step-mom and bio-mom at the same time (same month) like JennaIL and I totally agree with her on preping the kids.

When we found out I was pregnant, we told dss right away and he was thrilled. We asked him if he wanted to tell his mom or if he wanted us to tell her. He wanted to tell her and it went pretty well, but that was on one of her good mood days.

That's the way we usually deal with things like that. We ask him what he would prefer so that he feels like he has some part and control in the situation and how it is presented.
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#7 of 8 Old 08-01-2006, 03:07 AM
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You do need to tell her before the kids do, it will just be better comming from you. I do give you a word of caution however, when this happened to me, we told the biomom and she disapeared for a while, but she has never been stable. When she reappeared, she said that she couldn't come around us because it made her too sad because she had lost a baby in that time period. This woman was not suppose to be able to have anymore kids and the mc happend about the time my baby was born so I don't think it happened. Biomoms that don't have cust of kids will do some strange stuff so just make sure that you inform the kids on whats going on and keep communication open.


Tiffany wife of 11 yrs to Karl:, DSD Ariel (16) DSS Kaleb (13) DD Jessika (5) twins Drake and Olivia (2) :and our sweet suprise, Lola (11mo):: two angels Sammy(03/06) and Alex (07/06)
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#8 of 8 Old 08-17-2006, 01:49 AM
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My SS came to live with us when he was 3 1/2 and has little to do with his BM so this may not be helpful. DH and I had a 2yo DS together when SS came to live with us and he was a VERY angry child, especially when BM had another baby. SS stated he HATED babies and so when we FINALLY got pregnant again I dreaded telling SS. He was THRILLED!! Having #3 has really cemented our family together. SS got over his anger and when he learned that BM had another baby, a DD this time he could care less. He has never met his brother & sister on his mom's side, and probably never will, and could care less.

Anyways, SS was the one who told BM, and she's pretended to care, and honestly, I only cared about how the pregnancy would effect SS and not BM, I have no control over her. Don't stress it, worry more about making sure your SKs feel involved with the pregnancy and baby. Make sure they know that you having a bio-child will not mean you will love them any less.

Good luck to you! Hope I made sense, its B2S eve and I am excited!!

Heather: Mama to my amazing boys A-14.5, C-13, & M-5.5, and my sweet girl S-2.5 and introducing our little surprise Liam Michael, born 12/28!
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