DS rebelling against DP - HELP! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 5 Old 06-30-2006, 09:17 PM - Thread Starter
 
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A little background:
DS is 3.5 yrs, I've been seperated from his dad since he was 15 mos. I've been dating DP for a year and a half now (and were friends prior to dating so he knew DS before we dated) and DS has always loved him. DP has lived with us for over a year now. In the past few weeks DS seems to be getting more and more jealous of DP. Nothing has really changed so I wonder if it is age-related. I can't help thinking of Freud and the Oedipus complex

DS and I get a whole entire day alone together each week, so he does get one-on-one time with me at least each week. He is in daycare 4 days a week 6 hours each day. He also spends 2.5 days a week with his dad.

I'm just not sure what to do. I love my DP but it breaks my heart that my DS is having a hard time suddenly. What can I do to help them both?? DP loves DS too, and DS's behavior is really breaking his heart.

Help!

Zen doula-mama to my spirited DS1 (2/03), my CHD (TAPVR) warrior DS2 (6/07) & a gentle baby girl (8/09)
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#2 of 5 Old 07-01-2006, 10:45 AM
 
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Maybe he's feeling safe enough with your DP to try to start testing the boundries, and make sure that your DP will love him no matter what.

It might also be age related. Kids in non-step families go through phases of only wanting mom, and then switching and only wanting dad.

It must be hard for all of you, to have to go through this. Can DS talk about it at all, what he's feeling? Would have DP and DS go on an outing together help?
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#3 of 5 Old 07-01-2006, 05:50 PM
 
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It is so typical that this happens. When step parents are new they are fun and cool and exciting. Once it is clear (often the marriage) that they are forever the kids turn. In time they will get it together again but they will have to work it out.

In the meantime there are some things you can do to help:
Don't let your child split you from your spouse. Alone time is fine but don't let that become the norm and don't let your child come between you- they will try and it is tempting but it won't help you all blend.

Don't let your child disrespect your spouse. They can feel however they want but they can't act however they want.

Do support your spouse in front of your child- if you feel your spouse needs some correcting or fine tuning do that privately with them and don't let your kid know.

Do consider if the child is feeling pressured to relate to the step as a parent in place of the bio parent and if so reassure the child and your spouse that you intend for them to form a STEP parent relationship and that bio parent is still the "father or mother" and that they can love two men or women in their lives without it hurting the other person. Do encourage keeping titles such as mom or dad for the bio only (esp where the bio is invovled as in your case) and finding a new name for the step.
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#4 of 5 Old 07-01-2006, 06:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for the advice! DS does call DP by name and we never suggest DS calling him dad - DS has a dad and I don't even intend to replace him. DP takes more of a "friend" role in DS's life. Today they played outside together alone for a while and it went really well, but when I cam out DS's jealousy returned a little. If DP ever hugs me in front of DS, DS will run right over and squeeze his way in the middle so DS can hug me instead.

I had a talk with DS last night and told him that DP is going to be in our lives for a long time and that it doesn't make me love DS any less. I reminded DS how much I love him and that my love for him isn't going to change. I hope DS is able to work through this and go back to being happy with DP.

Zen doula-mama to my spirited DS1 (2/03), my CHD (TAPVR) warrior DS2 (6/07) & a gentle baby girl (8/09)
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#5 of 5 Old 07-01-2006, 08:04 PM
 
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When I first met my bf his daughter was 10. If she was up visiting and he called me on the phone, she would always start talking to him and need his help with something. I would just take deep breaths and remember that this was hard on her. Once when we were all at my apt. and he was hugging me goodbye, she was trying to zip her jacket and started yelling "stuck, stuck! dad I need your help, I'm stuck." He told her he was saying goodbye to me and he'd help her in a second. We both knew she was yelling stuck because she couldn't yell "This feels weird to see my dad hug a woman!" After that, she head out to the car first while we said goodbye.

That was really good advice by mommymine; I hope things get back to being better soon.
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