kids looking more like my ex - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 16 Old 07-12-2006, 01:02 AM - Thread Starter
 
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everyday!
I am not sure this is the rigth thread.. but i am strugglgin with this, my first four kids are from my first marriage in which my partner was abusive. Now i am happily married and togetehr we have one biological babe.
My love is a wonderfully daddy and he more than makes up for any crap we had to deal with.

My kdis see theri bio dad every weekend and increasingly they are takign on his mannerisms, facial experinces, words sayings.. it is driving me nuts.

I know.. they are differetn people, and my rational mind tells me this is silly but sometimes i feel the anger from 11 years of crap just rushing to the surface adn it affects how i see my babies!!!

I consider my current partner their father, btu they will never look like him, it is breakign my heart on some levels.
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#2 of 16 Old 07-12-2006, 10:03 AM
 
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Hawkfeather - I dont have anything useful to say but just wanted to reach out and say I feel for you.

Blessings,
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#3 of 16 Old 07-12-2006, 02:02 PM
 
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Ooooh, I hear ya too!

I dont have any great "ideas" to help, I'm still struggling with it. I'm sure I always will. But heres a big
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#4 of 16 Old 07-12-2006, 03:20 PM
 
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Why do you consider your current partner their father - do your children feel this way, as well?
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#5 of 16 Old 07-12-2006, 05:40 PM
 
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Hi hawkfeather. I can understand what you mean when you say that you resent the things in your children that remind you of their father who was abusive toward you. I encourage you to let go of that. I have struggled with bits and peices of that in the past myself. I thought enough of my daughters father at one time to have a child with him, and you mentioned that you have 4 children with your ex. I encourage you to only think about the good things that your children might get from your ex. Certainly he must posses some good qualities. And trust that your children will grow up to be intellegent individuals who will cast away any bad habits that you or their father might have passed on to them. If he is abusive why is he still seeing them regularly?

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I consider my current partner their father, btu they will never look like him, it is breakign my heart on some levels.
Please take a moment to look at that statement. Across the board I never encourage this. Your children already have a father who they see every weekend. While you replaced your husband you did not replace their dad. And I am sure that they are very fortunate to have a wonderful step-dad as a bonus parent, but he is not their father. I don't mean to sound judgemental but I am sure that alot of the other parents in the forum would not appreciate their ex invalidating the job they still do as a parent(inspite of the fact that the marriage is over) by replacing them in their minds with their new spouse.

I encourage you to stick around here and continue to ask for advice b/c as a btdt parent I know there is alot of great advice to be given for those who are coming into new situations with blended familys.

Best Wishes
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#6 of 16 Old 07-13-2006, 11:48 AM
 
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if you need to get counseling to help you deal with this so that your kids never ever feel like you are projecting your dislike of your ex on them. I would get in trouble for doing/saying things like my dad and the worst insult my mom could give me was "you look like your dad" or "your dad would always do that" etc. . . nopt that she even meant anything by it but I knew how she felt about my dad. also I know the reason my dad is close to my brother (they hang out weekly) and yet never calls or writes to me is becaue I am the spitting image of my mother at every stage of thier life. He cut me off right about the time I started looking like the girl in thier wedding picrtures. he has seen me once since i was 15.

if left unchecked your children will pick up on it and it will effect them. I can understand why it is irritating but it isnt going anywhere and best not to let it borther you. It is good that you recognize it and are aking an effort to not let it bother you. your kids will benifit.

and I also wanted to comment on the you considering your dh thier father. Maybe you just meant that he loves them as if they were his own and that is all well and good. but please don't introdfuce him as thier father eit unless they ask you to. my mom was adement that my step dad was my new dad and it just pissed me off. I didn't really like my dad at all but I didn't like this guy any more and he certainly wasn't my father. and for better or worse my sperm donor was my dad. i didn't need to replace him. as much grief as it gave me to have a sucky dad he was mine. and that was part of who I was and why and understood that in some deep down inexpressable way as a child. its close rto the surface now even if i still can't articulate it.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#7 of 16 Old 07-13-2006, 12:35 PM
 
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I don't have time to respond at length; I'll try to come back later. I just wanted to let you know that I understand where you're coming from. My eldest child looks just like his father, and in the past 2-3 years has adopted many, many of his father's mannerisms, facial expressions, and ways of speaking. I can be incredibly painful!

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#8 of 16 Old 07-14-2006, 09:11 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kyangel80
Hi hawkfeather. I can understand what you mean when you say that you resent the things in your children that remind you of their father who was abusive toward you. I encourage you to let go of that. I have struggled with bits and peices of that in the past myself. I thought enough of my daughters father at one time to have a child with him, and you mentioned that you have 4 children with your ex. I encourage you to only think about the good things that your children might get from your ex. Certainly he must posses some good qualities. And trust that your children will grow up to be intellegent individuals who will cast away any bad habits that you or their father might have passed on to them. If he is abusive why is he still seeing them regularly?



Please take a moment to look at that statement. Across the board I never encourage this. Your children already have a father who they see every weekend. While you replaced your husband you did not replace their dad. And I am sure that they are very fortunate to have a wonderful step-dad as a bonus parent, but he is not their father. I don't mean to sound judgemental but I am sure that alot of the other parents in the forum would not appreciate their ex invalidating the job they still do as a parent(inspite of the fact that the marriage is over) by replacing them in their minds with their new spouse.

I encourage you to stick around here and continue to ask for advice b/c as a btdt parent I know there is alot of great advice to be given for those who are coming into new situations with blended familys.

Best Wishes

great advice.


jenn, usually a lurker, but trying to become an active poster
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#9 of 16 Old 07-14-2006, 05:04 PM
 
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How old are your kids? My oldest used to look so much like his bio-dad, but now (8yo) looks just like me and the things that used to remind me of my ex, now are just part of ds, and not associated with his missing parent. My youngest ds actually looks A LOT like DP, who is the only father he's ever known, so I don't really have the same issues.

My advise would be to try and see your kids as their own seperate selves, not as an extention of your ex (I know that must be hard when you still see your ex every week) - the truth is, that laugh or smile or whatever is *not* their father's, it's your child's, yk? My eyes are a lot like my mom's, but they are MY EYES, not hers. Would it help to look at things that way?
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#10 of 16 Old 07-14-2006, 07:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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There is some wonderful support here, but i just wanted to add, my post wan't written to my children, it was written to other parents who maybe have some input. Because i seek support to try and work thru the situation, i would hope, already shows I am making a concious effort to feel 'better' about this, rather than have it blow up on my kids.

Counselling after years of abuse is a given, but i was reaching out to see if other relate, and obviously some do.

Being a *father* is more than biological to me. thier bio father without any communication with me (or them) moved away. He does not spend time with them when they are at his house every weekend.. After two years he still does not know thier teachers names at school. He has missed every dentist appt, every play, every important event they have asked him to be included in. But still my partner and I slap on a smile and tell the kids EVERY single weekend that thier dad does love them, I drive the 45 minutes there and back to his house so they can visit him, I come all the way there to pick them up to take them to birthday parties, or get them if they are sick, because he wont take care of them. and than i bring them home where my partner spends entire nigths without sleep rocking children and cleaning puke, to get up early and make breakfast and read to them. He reads to them every night without fail, he goes to every meet the teacher night, he helps with homework.. all the things fathers do.

At what can he not be considered a father to them, and not just some tacked on second to thier birth dad? *i* feel like he is thier father The children do not care much about the word and love both of them, but they turn to my partner.

This migth sounds really deffensive, but really I am trying to explain why *I*feel like my partner is thier father. I didn't go to court and take away rights,. or lessen his visits, it was supposed to be half and half.. he just stopped coming one day..i don't question that he loves them. But my eldest is almost 12, she has turned to me on a number of times and shared that she feels so guilty for not enjoyign her time with him.. every week (still) the kids look forward to seeign him, and every week they come home crushed and turn to my partner and I for support.

I truley hope that anyone here who would be bothered by my coment can also see that how *i* feel is natural reaction to this situation and not a statement abotu step-fathers and fathers, it is about the role yuo personally take on with your children.

They still see him because he insists they still see him. Because depsite having a boring time there I still think it is important to see their dad. and because they feel guilty not going.

My ex was not abuse to them, only me, but there is still an impact on the children. But despite my own feelings i am the one who is trying to remind these kids he loves them, just becasue I seek support for myself to move thru something does not mean i am exposing my kids to my issues, it means i do not want to , so i am trying to move thru it.

So I am just taking this all one day at a time. I think they should see thier dad. But there is no automatic answer here, I can nto say what would be worse, to have a dad who pays them little mind, but still wants them to visit him.. or for the not too,

I was really lookign for support about my issues with them looking like my ex tlakign, remidnign me, which stirs up hard memories for me, which i never want to associate with my own babies.

edited to add: sorry my typing is HORRID.. n.a.k, and i can't even fix it rigth now.. sorry!!
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#11 of 16 Old 07-14-2006, 07:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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my kids that are his are 12, 10, 8 and 6.. (wel they are all almost those ages)

the younger two have always looked like him.. but since they have been raised by my partner they *act* way mroe like my partner.. it is moslty my eldest as she approaches pruberty...more n more looks like and acts like her dad.

I know need to find some techniques in the moment to remind me, becasue it is far from an *all the time* problem.

but when your beautiful daughter makes an exact face at you, that in the past proceeded with a punch, even if not fear it makes me sad.
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#12 of 16 Old 07-14-2006, 08:34 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hawkfeather
but when your beautiful daughter makes an exact face at you, that in the past proceeded with a punch, even if not fear it makes me sad.
This really hit a note with me. I haven't dealt with abuse, so I can't really empathize completely, but I would never presume to judge you for having these feelings (even if they are few and far between). Your reaction seems very natural after everything you describe.
Maybe find something that is uniquely beautiful to you about each of your children and try and focus on that when you have these feelings? When dd makes that face, instead of thinking about your ex, think about what she looked like the first time she rode a bike, or some other memorable time in your life with her.........?

As for the "father" issue - I understand where you're coming from. I refer to my DP as ds2's father, he calls him "daddy" and I encourage that. DP *IS* his father in every sense of the word but biologically. My situation is different because my ex isn't part of our lives, but I understand where you're coming from completely. Just because he missed the conception doesn't change the fact that DP's been his dad when it really counted. Some people will jump all over you for saying that, but I get where you're coming from
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#13 of 16 Old 07-14-2006, 08:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by woobysma
Maybe find something that is uniquely beautiful to you about each of your children and try and focus on that when you have these feelings? When dd makes that face, instead of thinking about your ex,
exactly i should sit down and make an actual list of things in my head for each of them, i guess i am just sad i would need to ya know?
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#14 of 16 Old 07-14-2006, 09:07 PM
 
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It would be sad for me, too. I've had different feelings about my kids and their fathers and had to work very hard to seperate my baggage from my little darlings. It's not their fault that they came into this world the way the did, but I'm so glad they're here
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#15 of 16 Old 07-14-2006, 09:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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yes, people might wonder abtou staygin with an abuser for as long as i did or having more kids.. but whatever.. i wouldn't change anything.
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#16 of 16 Old 07-14-2006, 11:10 PM
 
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Sorry
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