Not sure how to feel - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 07-15-2006, 09:50 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Tad background...
I have a 10 yr old dd fro ma previous relationship. Her dad and I no longer talk and she doesnt live with me full time. Her dad moved out of state about 5 yrs ago. She has been living with his parents since she was about 6 or 7. Not for any bad reasons ..I just fell on seriously hard time a and could not provide for her so they stepped in and offereed her a stable home ..How could I refuse. So she has been there ever since and thriving...she is here every weekend, and occastionaly I see her after school...and most of the summer....

Ok ....anyhow...
Last week DP was in the hospital (kidney stones) Me and the kids went to visit him and of course the nurse always butts in...
He told me when we had left she came back in and commented about how beautiful the baby is. He then said he asked her what about his other DD.(meaning mine)..he said she said ..oh of course she is soo beautiful, and she looks just like you. Funny thing is she really does look just like him. Its somewhat creepy
anyway...I sorta felt weird about him insinuating that she is his. I really cant be sure why. I always hoped that some day he would think of her as his own,
which is why I feel weird feeling like I do. We have only been together for 3 yrs. so it seams a bit to early for him to be letting on he is her father.
I also dont want him to dismiss her father. I think its nice that he wants people to think that she is his, but for me I havent really gotten that far, nor have I discussed any of this with my DD. Im not sure if she would want people to think he is her dad either. Her dad is very much in her life regardless of where he lives. I didnt really tell him how I felt about it only because he seamed so pleased with himself, and I didnt want to cut him down , but I did ask why he didnt just say his step daughter, in a round about non attacking sort of way. Thankfully it sort of went over his head..(like I said I didnt want him to feel cut down)

I have told him before I dont want him to be her father, (persay)she has a father, and I dont want him to parent. The fact that shes 10 and has myself, her father, and her grandparents parenting her she doesnt need anyone else. Also I dont want it to end up with her rebelling on him.


I know families deal with this sort of thing all the time. but its very new to me.
It not a huge deal for me and Im not freaking out about it.
I guess I just needed to let this go somewhere....
any thoughts ..suggestions on how to deal with this within myself. I know how to deal with it wit hhim I just need to come to a conclusion and confort level about what I want his role to be with her. I know he is also very enthusaitic about finding a bigger home and making a place just for her in it. So he sees us as a 4 person family not a 3, which is great!!
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#2 of 7 Old 07-19-2006, 10:17 PM
 
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I can see this is difficult for you.

hmm...lots of thoughts going around in my head.....forgive me if they dont make a whole lot of sense....

I know for me, when dh came into the picture, I was uncomfortable "sharing" my son with him. I hated having to share him with his bio dad, so sharing him with someone else was difficult for me. It took me a while to see that dh parenting him also meant another parent to love ds. That ds could only benefit from having 3 loving parents instead of 2.

What else? come on brain....

You say 3 years is too early for him to take on a "father" role - maybe its not too early for him? Or maybe not too early for your dd either?

What do you want his role to be? Step-father? Friend? Concerned 3rd party?
I guess the bigger question to ask is where do you see your relationship going? If he's here for good, is step-dad too much to ask?

I'm not implying or judging or anything, just asking some questions I've asked myself in the past.

all the best,
laura
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#3 of 7 Old 07-19-2006, 10:42 PM
 
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also he was pretty sick. maybe he just didn't feel like giving the whole long story to the nurse. I know I have claimed other people kids just so I don't have to give the whole low down of whose tehy are and why we have them.

I would say when he is feeling better just talk to him.

I certainly wouldn't say 3 years is to early for him to be feeling attatched to her. but how he expresses that attatchment is something worth discussion.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#4 of 7 Old 07-20-2006, 03:05 AM
 
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For me, I don't explain anything to people who aren't important to me. If the cashier says, "Would your son like a sticker?" I feel no need to say, "He's my STEPson," since that wasn't her point. Only with people I'm going to see again would a bother to clarify. Strangers used to tell dss that he looked like me, too. We'd just smile at each other, our secret. I agree that you have to decide where it's going. It sounds like you don't want him to be the stepdad, just your partner. I think my stepson expects me to parent him, though not to the degree his dad does. Maybe your dd should be included in the talking, of what she expects, what he expects, etc. She could rebel against him, or be hurt that he didn't step up and parent her.
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#5 of 7 Old 07-20-2006, 03:45 AM
 
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My dh refers to my boys as his sons, though he doesn't have parenal responsibility

Helen mum to five and mistress of mess and mayhem, making merry and mischief til the sun goes down.
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#6 of 7 Old 07-20-2006, 09:18 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I think for right now while we are still figureing out how our household is working I dont want him parenting her in terms of punishment and things like that.
I was sort of in a weird mood when I wrote this thread..and sort of forgot about it with the boards being closed and all..LOL.
He is still sort of figureing out this parenting thing with his own child and often gets flustered about most things. For now I think its best he stays the "favorite uncle role", which he has been. He does show his careing side to her so she feels welcomed here and makes her feel like he cares for her and such.
I guess it was just weird cause it was the first time I had seen him express that she was his child to people outside of our family unit.
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#7 of 7 Old 07-20-2006, 02:23 PM
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Not trying to discount your feelings at all! If your DD has her bio-dad in her life (grandparents are great but fathers mean something different to little girls) than I can understand where you are coming from. I have a 10 yr old dd and married my husband 1.5 yrs ago. She does not have a whole lot of contact with her bio-dad so it was my desire for my husband to make my dd his own. She desires it as well. She has asked him if she can call him dad, she prays about getting closer to him and i have felt sad that it hasnt happened faster. He has said that getting close to her takes time, but hey 4 yrs later? i included dating time so thats probably not an accurate time frame. I think I would be on cloud nine if my husband was claiming her as his own. as far as discipline I do the bulk of it with my daughter, but he will step in when he feels he needs to (i trust him whichis important) - if he has caught her in a lie or doing something unsafe, etc.. Then he will basically use that "father" tone and firmness. My husband is such a good man and since I didnt have a father when I was growing up i just feel that it is sooo important that little girls have that day to day with a father so they dont try to find it in other places and that includes the day to day bad times and good times - just makes the relationship stronger.
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