I have a 10 yr old dd fro ma previous relationship. Her dad and I no longer talk and she doesnt live with me full time. Her dad moved out of state about 5 yrs ago. She has been living with his parents since she was about 6 or 7. Not for any bad reasons ..I just fell on seriously hard time a and could not provide for her so they stepped in and offereed her a stable home ..How could I refuse. So she has been there ever since and thriving...she is here every weekend, and occastionaly I see her after school...and most of the summer....
Last week DP was in the hospital (kidney stones) Me and the kids went to visit him and of course the nurse always butts in...
He told me when we had left she came back in and commented about how beautiful the baby is. He then said he asked her what about his other DD.(meaning mine)..he said she said ..oh of course she is soo beautiful, and she looks just like you. Funny thing is she really does look just like him. Its somewhat creepy
anyway...I sorta felt weird about him insinuating that she is his. I really cant be sure why. I always hoped that some day he would think of her as his own,
which is why I feel weird feeling like I do. We have only been together for 3 yrs. so it seams a bit to early for him to be letting on he is her father.
I also dont want him to dismiss her father. I think its nice that he wants people to think that she is his, but for me I havent really gotten that far, nor have I discussed any of this with my DD. Im not sure if she would want people to think he is her dad either. Her dad is very much in her life regardless of where he lives. I didnt really tell him how I felt about it only because he seamed so pleased with himself, and I didnt want to cut him down , but I did ask why he didnt just say his step daughter, in a round about non attacking sort of way. Thankfully it sort of went over his head..(like I said I didnt want him to feel cut down)
I have told him before I dont want him to be her father, (persay)she has a father, and I dont want him to parent. The fact that shes 10 and has myself, her father, and her grandparents parenting her she doesnt need anyone else. Also I dont want it to end up with her rebelling on him.
I know families deal with this sort of thing all the time. but its very new to me.
It not a huge deal for me and Im not freaking out about it.
I guess I just needed to let this go somewhere....
any thoughts ..suggestions on how to deal with this within myself. I know how to deal with it wit hhim I just need to come to a conclusion and confort level about what I want his role to be with her. I know he is also very enthusaitic about finding a bigger home and making a place just for her in it. So he sees us as a 4 person family not a 3, which is great!!
hmm...lots of thoughts going around in my head.....forgive me if they dont make a whole lot of sense....
I know for me, when dh came into the picture, I was uncomfortable "sharing" my son with him. I hated having to share him with his bio dad, so sharing him with someone else was difficult for me. It took me a while to see that dh parenting him also meant another parent to love ds. That ds could only benefit from having 3 loving parents instead of 2.
What else? come on brain....
You say 3 years is too early for him to take on a "father" role - maybe its not too early for him? Or maybe not too early for your dd either?
What do you want his role to be? Step-father? Friend? Concerned 3rd party?
I guess the bigger question to ask is where do you see your relationship going? If he's here for good, is step-dad too much to ask?
I'm not implying or judging or anything, just asking some questions I've asked myself in the past.
all the best,
I would say when he is feeling better just talk to him.
I certainly wouldn't say 3 years is to early for him to be feeling attatched to her. but how he expresses that attatchment is something worth discussion.
The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it. We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.
I was sort of in a weird mood when I wrote this thread..and sort of forgot about it with the boards being closed and all..LOL.
He is still sort of figureing out this parenting thing with his own child and often gets flustered about most things. For now I think its best he stays the "favorite uncle role", which he has been. He does show his careing side to her so she feels welcomed here and makes her feel like he cares for her and such.
I guess it was just weird cause it was the first time I had seen him express that she was his child to people outside of our family unit.