So it begins again, she goes back to her mom's... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 14 Old 07-25-2006, 11:13 AM - Thread Starter
 
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he falls apart, I get so sad and afraid and needy, and then there is a huge fight and we break up. This is what happened last year at this time and I am not going to let it happen this year.

She goes back to her mother's on Sat., and I can already feel the strings stretching. I let my feelings get hurt over a stupid thing, and I just feel like he doesn't have the energy to care about me right now. I recognized what I was doing and was able to see that it wasn't about a trip with me that he didn't want to go on, it was about the fact that his life is falling apart right now. I know I need to be the one that he can lean on now.

I know that I need to be there for him, and give him the space he needs to be sad and angry. I also wish I felt more like my feelings matter. This time is so sad for me too, I love her and I hate when she goes back after being here for 7 weeks. It just feels like there is a desert, and when she comes it's like a huge rain and all the flowers bloom and then she goes and the world dries up. He is so much more alive when she is here, and our little family feels so whole, and like it has a purpose. But I will not let it fall apart this year. Because I can't do that anymore.

This sucks. For every single person who has to see their kid, or a kid they love, go back to their other house, and for every single kid who feels torn between two places - this just sucks. :
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#2 of 14 Old 07-25-2006, 01:30 PM
 
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Wow, Mama. I am so sorry for your pain. Would making plans for future visits/correspondence/etc... ease anything?

Mrs. S - Crunchy child of The King, Wife to my best friend, and Mama to my many blessings.

 
 
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#3 of 14 Old 07-25-2006, 01:46 PM
 
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Just want to give you a hug and a btdt. Transitions can be really difficult, and it sounds like your dh/partner is overwhelmed with feelings of loss when his dd leaves. This is understandable, but there are things he can learn to do to help him understand and modulate his emotions a bit, if you think it's called for. Therapy can be really helpful for this-- and I speak with experience and empathy as the partner that needs to be strong. It's hard for everyone. :
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#4 of 14 Old 07-25-2006, 04:47 PM
 
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Big hugs. I don't know if it makes any difference, but your post about your shopping expedition really helped take the edge off my boys absence from home. You helped. Thanks.

Helen mum to five and mistress of mess and mayhem, making merry and mischief til the sun goes down.
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#5 of 14 Old 07-25-2006, 05:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you so much for the hugs and support, mamas. It really makes a difference. And thanks, flapjack, for saying that my other post helped you get through your rough time.

I guess I should be happy that I am sad - since it means that I love her. I would much rather be sad when she goes than sad when she comes here.

And yes, I think both DP and his daughter would be helped by some counseling. I think he knows that too, but I think he's afraid that too much would come up and it would be difficult. He's been to txp in the past, so he knows it can help. Those things take time, sometimes.

Thanks again.
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#6 of 14 Old 07-27-2006, 04:31 PM
 
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Poor mama. You're right, it sucks, there's no other way to describe it.
I'm in the exact same boat. I never thought I could fall in love with that three year old kid so quickly, but I did. This Saturday he goes back to his mom after spending the summer with us, and I can't imagine how my fiance and I will deal with it. Him especially. When Gavin went away for a week to visit his grandparents earlier this summer, my ordinarily happy-go-lucky partner flipped into the worst mood I have ever seen him in. He warned me ahead of time that this weekend will be even worse. I feel so blessed that this great little boy has come into my life, along with his equally wonderful daddy, but it makes it that much more painful that we can't all be together.
I don't know what we can do, besides give them space to be sad and angry, and recognize that the issue has nothing to do with us, and everything to do with the fact that they terribly, achingly miss their children.
Is there any chance you and your partner could relocate to be closer to her? I think that's the only true solution.
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#7 of 14 Old 07-27-2006, 04:39 PM
 
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I'm sorry you guys have to go thru this.
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#8 of 14 Old 07-27-2006, 05:03 PM
 
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Ours goes back next week. Mom usually cuts all contact for a while after an access period, blech. Know how you guys feel!
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#9 of 14 Old 07-27-2006, 05:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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freestar, It is so hard to navigate the transitions. At least your DP recognizes it and can say that this weekend will suck. The relocation thing would never happen. DP's entire family is up here, and I think that moving away from his support network would be very difficult for him. And I think that even if he lived closer, he would be afraid to challenge the custody even to get weekends or something. Her mom kidnapped her when she was 5 from here and took her down south, so she might just do the same thing if he moved down there. I think when the mom first took DSD, DP mentioned that he was going to move down there and she said "I'll just claim that you are stalking me...", so he never did.

mamastar2, that stinks about losing contact. How old is the little one? DSD is 13, but when she was younger her mom wouldn't even call after the plane trip to say "Hey, our daughter made it here safely."

thanks Shenjall

I just imagine all the airplanes fillled with little kids being shuttled back to their other parent. Strangely, DSD sat next to a girl over Christmas who takes the same flight to visit her mom every other weekend, the girl was only 9 or 10, but was obviously a seasoned travelor. I can't imagine that to be healthy either...
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#10 of 14 Old 07-27-2006, 05:43 PM
 
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Oh, wow, that's really hard. Reading your other posts, it looks like you have a good relationship with dsd--maybe you can remind your boyfriend that missing her is hard on both of you, and you can sort of go through it together? Who knows, maybe she'll decide that she wants to come live with you.
DP and his ex have very consciouly remained on good terms, which makes it all a million times easier. I've met her once and chatted with her on the phone a few times, and I'm so glad she's sane.
Yesterday Gavin looked up at me with his big brown eyes and said out of the blue, "I love you. Will you be my stepmommy?" and my heart just melted. Beyond the fact that I didn't know kids talked like that outside cheesy movies, it made me so happy that he's accepted me as his family and so sad that he's leaving.
You're right, I bet the airplanes will be full of kids sadly shuttling home to one parent after a summer with the other.
Right now we're all trying to agree on a single city (or at least state) to live in. I hope it works.
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#11 of 14 Old 07-27-2006, 05:50 PM
 
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PM'ing you.
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#12 of 14 Old 07-28-2006, 10:48 PM
 
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thinking about you over the weekend....all the best.
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#13 of 14 Old 08-07-2006, 06:40 PM
 
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I'm sorry chica, I went through that too. For me it took some time, but eventually it got better. Give it some time and trust your instincts.
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#14 of 14 Old 08-07-2006, 07:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So far everything is ok. She went home last weekend. Her dad went out with some friends that night (he doesn't drink) to distract him, as he put it, and I saw him the next day. Since then things have been as usual, while last year at this time we had gotten into a huge fight and stopped speaking for about while, and didn't see each other for 6 weeks. I guess we are just in a better, stronger place this year.

I hope everyone else's transitions went well.
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