Please help...I dont know if i can handle anymore. - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 61 Old 07-31-2006, 06:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ok, with this post I may seem like I am babling on, if so, I'm sorry.

There are alot of things going on here lately that I just would like someone to talk to about. Some things I just don't understand. Maybe someone else who is in my shoes can help me (if there is anyone else).

Ok, my husband and I have been together for over a year, and recently got married in June. He has two children from a previous marriage, the daughter is 12 and the boy is 5. I have been trying SOOOOOO hard to get along with the daughter, but it just seems WAY TOO IMPOSIBLE, and just when I think I'm getting the hang of it, something happens. I think it may be that she is too much like her mother. Her mom is getting $500.00 a month for child support, most of it is just for the daughter. It really bugs me that when she comes to spend time with us, she is always yelling "money money money", something WE don't have because of her mom. The sad thing is, her mom isn't using it for the kids! This happens alot, and I'm not sure there is anything I can do about it. But honestly, she is SUCH an unfit mother, she is trying so bad to be a friend to her kids, that she forgets to be a mom.

She allowed her kids to go outside to the neighbors house and ride on a 4 wheeler, UNSUPERVISED. When it got out of hand the girl jumped off, leaving the 5 year old on by himself and ran into a building. Luckily, no one got hurt. But it could have been worse! When she was asked why she wasnt watching them, she said, she just had other things to do.

When my husband was getting his divorce, he did the simple divorce and filed it at the courthouse. All he put in it was, joint custody. THATS ALL. When she recieved the papers, she told him that she wasnt signing that because she didnt agree to any of it. (fortunatley she didn't have to be there and sign them) all she had to do was contest it with what she wanted. She wanted $8,000.00 a piece for each child to put in HER bank account, under HER name for them for college. She wanted my husband to pay for half of everything for the kids, medical bills, school supplies, school clothes (keep in mind she is getting child support for this). SHE JUST WANTS MONEY!!! My husband mentioned to her that she is getting child support for the children and she said, "no thats for me". This bugs me.

She never has the children on the weekend, cause she goes out and partys with her friends. I mean, I don't mind at all to keep them, but I would also like a weekend every now and then, is that too much to ask, and also, I think if I loved my kids, I would want to spend some time with them on the weekends too, especially when they are in school and I didnt get to see them that much during the week.

Does any of this make any sense to you? I just need help understanding things, and is there anything I or my husband can do? We are barely making it, and she is living it to the fullest. It just doesnt seem fair to me. Maybe I just need to be in your prayers.

I'm getting fed up with everything. I love my husband to DEATH, and I knew what I was getting when I married him, but its all getting to me. We have a 3 month old to raise too.

Im sorry, maybe im just over reacting... someone please help.


thanks,
Kristen
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#2 of 61 Old 07-31-2006, 07:24 PM
 
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Just wanted to offer hugs mama...I don't have any advice....

However, the child support *should* be for the child but often not, it doesn't get used for it...BUT, the money IS for the children...Alimony would be for her but she's not getting that....

It doesn't help that alot of kids these days are very material and into such things and she is prolly getting it from her mom that she doesnt have the money to get things so go ask your dad for them and you don't have the money bc you've given it to her for support....I don't know...I'm not qualified to know what is what in that instance it's just crappy that you have to go through it.

DH's ex and him were never married, together for 10 years but never married and he doesn't pay child support (she didnt want it, he offered, she said no) but pays for everything for dd except medical as it's cheaper for her to be on her step father's insurance these days. (his ex best friend)....they have a shared parenting order through the courts that was simple to file and that's it....

It's not fair......and it blows that its like that...

I am dealing with my SD right now (6.5yo) who is exactly her mother's daughter and I won't go into it here, there are threads about it though...LOL....and how OUR DD together is getting lost in the shuffle when her step sister is here.....(by him and the 6yo)......

I hope someone has something better to offer ya than I can right now....but couldn't read without offering hugs hugs hugs
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#3 of 61 Old 07-31-2006, 09:16 PM
 
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Originally Posted by sklsnyder
Ok, my husband and I have been together for over a year, and recently got married in June. He has two children from a previous marriage, the daughter is 12 and the boy is 5. I have been trying SOOOOOO hard to get along with the daughter, but it just seems WAY TOO IMPOSIBLE, and just when I think I'm getting the hang of it, something happens.
s Try to remember, Mama, that some of that just might be the age. 12 is a hard age.


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Originally Posted by sklsnyder
It really bugs me that when she comes to spend time with us, she is always yelling "money money money", something WE don't have because of her mom.
Try to remember that it's not because of her mom that you are out that $500/month, per se, but because she and your dh have children together. I know it's easy to view it differently, but $500/month is not a lot when it comes to the children's actual needs. (Now, that doesn't mean that that is what it's actually being used for, I understand...but $500/month doesn't go very far when you're raising kids - as I'm sure you know with a youngster to raise as well!)


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Originally Posted by sklsnyder
She never has the children on the weekend, cause she goes out and partys with her friends. I mean, I don't mind at all to keep them, but I would also like a weekend every now and then, is that too much to ask, and also, I think if I loved my kids, I would want to spend some time with them on the weekends too, especially when they are in school and I didnt get to see them that much during the week.
I'm sure you don't want to be the bad guy, but you can say "no, we have plans this weekend" - even if the plans are relaxing around the house with the baby and your hubby.

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Originally Posted by sklsnyder
Does any of this make any sense to you? I just need help understanding things, and is there anything I or my husband can do? We are barely making it, and she is living it to the fullest. It just doesnt seem fair to me. Maybe I just need to be in your prayers.
It does make sense and I can definitely appreciate your frustration. I suspect that Child Support is a sore subject for lots of folks - and even more so when you're barely making it (does your state allow for modifications to accommodate the fact that you & dh have another child?)...but try to remember that the children are likely, as the pp wrote, either repeating what they've been suggested to do (just ask Dad)...or are just products of a very materialistic world. I know my kids are always wanting things that floor me - they KNOW we're not made of money...but their friends all have...(fill in the blank). It's the world we live in, I'm afraid. Try not to take any of it to heart - or you could help dsd come up with a plan for how SHE will afford what she wants.

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Originally Posted by sklsnyder
I'm getting fed up with everything. I love my husband to DEATH, and I knew what I was getting when I married him, but its all getting to me. We have a 3 month old to raise too.

Im sorry, maybe im just over reacting... someone please help..
I don't know that I'm any help - but I think your feelings are very valid...and I think with time you will be more comfortable with the crazy world of "blended families." Good luck - and hang in there!

Mrs. S - Crunchy child of The King, Wife to my best friend, and Mama to my many blessings.

 
 
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#4 of 61 Old 07-31-2006, 09:49 PM
 
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some things for you to consider:
get the cs calculator for your state and figure out what standard cs should be for your family. If it is more or equal to what you pay you can consider seeking a reduction for the time you spend with the skids as generally Every weekend is greater than most parenting plans assume.

Consider that if they were your kids and if your ex was willing to let you have them EVERY weekend you might WANT them every weekend. I know it seems like a curse but to me it sounds like a blessing.

Do everything in your power to stop thinking about how much money you send her or what she does with it. It isn't your money. It isn't your buisness and thinking about it will only make you nuts with no positive effect. Instead focus on what you do have and what you can do about sd's materialism. It is OK to say no. In fact if you want a child to understand the value of money she MUST hear no so get to doing that. And just figure that you have 20% (most cs is about 20% of income for one child) less income than your dh's paycheck says. It is really hard to have less than your peers but it is what it is. what she does with the money really isn't your buisness unless the kid's needs are not being met- in which case your recourse is to document that and seek custody.

not much is harder than a 12 sd. But it will get better. just keep on keeping on

hang on, it will get better Oh and hire a babysitter at least once a month for a date for you and your dh!
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#5 of 61 Old 08-01-2006, 12:06 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by MrsSurplus
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I'm sure you don't want to be the bad guy, but you can say "no, we have plans this weekend" - even if the plans are relaxing around the house with the baby and your hubby.
But If we say no, then, i'd STILL feel bad, cause the kids would still not end up with their mother, where they need to be every once in awhile IMO, They would end up staying with someone else. I know I may seem like I make no sense.. I'm sorry


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Originally Posted by MrsSurplus
It does make sense and I can definitely appreciate your frustration. I suspect that Child Support is a sore subject for lots of folks - and even more so when you're barely making it (does your state allow for modifications to accommodate the fact that you & dh have another child?)...but try to remember that the children are likely, as the pp wrote, either repeating what they've been suggested to do (just ask Dad)...or are just products of a very materialistic world. I know my kids are always wanting things that floor me - they KNOW we're not made of money...but their friends all have...(fill in the blank). It's the world we live in, I'm afraid. Try not to take any of it to heart - or you could help dsd come up with a plan for how SHE will afford what she wants.
I'm sure he could get it lowered, there is a law about equal childcare, or something.. I'm not sure what it'd be called. but anyway, he really needs to go to child support and get it lowered, i'm SURE he can.. but it's just the means of getting there, he either works 12pm-10pm or 7am-6pm, and we live an hour away from his work, and the county in which he'd have to go to for the right DSS. I don't know, sometimes I just feel like he doesn't care too much either.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsSurplus
I don't know that I'm any help - but I think your feelings are very valid...and I think with time you will be more comfortable with the crazy world of "blended families." Good luck - and hang in there!
Thank you so much though for your thoughts and your help... I just needed someone to talk to... Someone who had maybe been through this, or knows what I'm going through.
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#6 of 61 Old 08-01-2006, 04:50 AM
 
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If you have the children 2/7, then you have shared care and could probably get the child support reduced. Another thing that occurred to me is that you (dh) could also tell her mom that it's important to you that dsd has an allowance now that she's nearly a teenager, and so give some of the money to her directly.
Fundamentally though, money can be a deal-breaker for kids. I'm sure one of the reasons my ex is having such difficulty with my eldest is because at the minute Alex is obsessed by cash.

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#7 of 61 Old 08-03-2006, 05:59 PM
 
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As far as you saying that your husband may not care that much that is a little true, we live in a society that has allowed women to take the children and hold them over the heads of their fathers. Usually financially. Fortunately we are in a time where Equal/Shared custody, input, and contributions are seen to be best for the children (under normal circumstances not neglect abuse etc) The biggest th ing here is that Fathers have got to step up and excercise their rights. I'm in a VERY similar boat. I'm sorry your dealing with this but your best bet is to have it changed and put it in writing ( the visition schedual AND finances.)
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#8 of 61 Old 08-03-2006, 06:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, the reason he is only paying $500, is because we kept and still are keeping a calender of when we keep the kids. They were going to make him pay over $600 and then he had the calender, so it got dropped. I think because I pitched a fit, he is FINALLY going to go tomorrow and try to get it lowered. THANK GOD! I hope it works out though, and it's in the divorce papers that they have joint custody.

Thanks,
Kristen
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#9 of 61 Old 08-05-2006, 01:57 AM
 
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Hmm. I want to be supportive here, as far as issues of the kids but I really get frustrated when step-parents complain about the CS. The thing about CS is that it goes to a portion of all household expenses, and to specific items for the children. $500/month is not a lot, in my opinion. I don't know your circumstances, but I was a step-mom once too. My XH had another child who he did nto see, but who he paid CS for since birth. I used to resent the monies that he paid to the mom. I used to say the same things. The thing is that I was WRONG. I was uninformed and just plain wrong. The mother may have had her issues, and she may have used the CS monies to get her hair done, etc. But, she was the custodial parent without any help from him. Her standard of living was kept above poverty, because of CS. My XH had a home, car, plenty of food, clothing, etc. His kid was entitled to the same things. Now, I am single parent and doing it all alone too. He hasn't seen DS in 15 months. I feel that whatever monies come into our household, benefit my son. I am sure my XH's new woman complains about the CS too. But, you just don't know until you have been there.
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#10 of 61 Old 08-05-2006, 07:58 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hmm. I want to be supportive here, as far as issues of the kids but I really get frustrated when step-parents complain about the CS. The thing about CS is that it goes to a portion of all household expenses, and to specific items for the children. $500/month is not a lot, in my opinion. I don't know your circumstances, but I was a step-mom once too. My XH had another child who he did nto see, but who he paid CS for since birth. I used to resent the monies that he paid to the mom. I used to say the same things. The thing is that I was WRONG. I was uninformed and just plain wrong. The mother may have had her issues, and she may have used the CS monies to get her hair done, etc. But, she was the custodial parent without any help from him. Her standard of living was kept above poverty, because of CS. My XH had a home, car, plenty of food, clothing, etc. His kid was entitled to the same things. Now, I am single parent and doing it all alone too. He hasn't seen DS in 15 months. I feel that whatever monies come into our household, benefit my son. I am sure my XH's new woman complains about the CS too. But, you just don't know until you have been there.
I may not know until I have been there.. that's correct, and ya know, I wouldnt mind as much if she saw her kids more than twice a week! We are going WITHOUT! We barley have any food in the house, we keep just enough, mostly the ramen noodles because they are cheaper. My husband works about 45 miles away from where we live, and very rarely do we have the money for gas... It's not fun to ask for giveouts.. But we usually have to get help from our parents just to get back and forth from work. We're married and live on our own, should we really have to do that? DSS wont help us, because they go by what we Gross and not what we bring home. We don't have that wonderful of clothes, but we're making it work, and it's such a shame that his work clothes keep getting more ragady all the time and he has to dress professional, and we don't have the money to buy any new ones.

So maybe you think I may not have any right to complain... but I don't think we should have to live like this considering he does see the kids, and alot more than she does. The daughter is very rarley with her, always with either of the grandparents, and not just during the summer! Her mom don't want her to come out here, so of course, she listens... But she does come out here some, unfortunatley not as much as her daddy would like, but thats no fault of his own. So maybe instead of paying her child support, he could just pay it to who ever is keeping the kids? I would like that a WHOLE LOT BETTER!
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#11 of 61 Old 08-05-2006, 12:53 PM
 
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Sklsnydr-

What other financial choices have you made?

Cs is usually about 20% of gross- THAT shouldn't put you in the poor house eating only ramen. Now trust me I have had to live quite lean- I am a sahm to three kids two of whom are babies. My husband would be able to support us in fine style if not for cs...but he has cs. That is just how it is. CS went up shortly before our first son was born and I returned home. WOW that sucked!

I had to use cloth diapers and wash them myself...I had to serve my husband raman and beans and rice...but this was OUR choice.

We had debt and with our debt load and cs well that is why we didn't have much cash each month.

Cs is only 20% of your problem. Quit tilting at windmills and fix yor real problems- the ones you CAN fix!

And quit looking at her kids and who is watching them- that just makes you nuts. If you really want to find out what having no money is go for custody! I assure you it costs more than $500 a month to raise kids!
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#12 of 61 Old 08-05-2006, 02:30 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MommyMine
If you really want to find out what having no money is go for custody! I assure you it costs more than $500 a month to raise kids!
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Originally Posted by annarbor931
I want to be supportive here, as far as issues of the kids but I really get frustrated when step-parents complain about the CS. The thing about CS is that it goes to a portion of all household expenses, and to specific items for the children.
ITA w/ MM & AA. CS is not just for buying food & clothes and paying for sports - it's to help with all the cost associated with kids: increased utilities, bigger house, more gas driving them around. I assure you, $500 doesn't go very far. When I was getting CS, it was $750/mo for one child. I see you're in NC & I know there are areas there that are fairly cheap to live in. Here, $500 barely pays for an extra bedroom.

I would focus less on the $$ and more on the things in your own life that you have control over. Otherwise, you're just making yourself miserable.
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#13 of 61 Old 08-06-2006, 12:35 PM
 
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I know how hard it is, mama. We're paying $1000/month for my two DSDs, and have a new baby in the house and another one on the way. It's tough making ends meet, but cinching the belt has helped somewhat. We don't go out to eat, or to movies, buy in bulk as much as possible, will CD (as soon as the disposables we got before DD was born are gone!) and I'm hoping to be able to make my own babyfood when the time comes.

And, biomom keeps asking for more money. I know how it feels to pick up your SKs and see them in brand new clothes, or new shoes all the time, or with new, expensive toys, and know you can't provide those things for them yourself. It's kind of heartbreaking, really.

I had to learn a long time ago to stop worrying about the money going out, and start worrying about the money coming in. Instead of being angry that she was spending all of that money on unnecessary items (really, does a 4 year old NEED 13 pairs of shoes?) I started to get creative with how to stretch the money we DO have, and to just let it go. DH's XW is incredibly materialistic, and that's not going to change. We just have to do the best with what we have.

Most states have websites with free activities for families and kids, if that's possible. Also, setting aside even $20/wk is a huge help. If you think about it, after a year, you've saved $1000. It may not seem like much, but $20 will get ice cream for a family of four, so you can treat the kids. And I agree with the allowance idea. My girls do chores around the house for money, because they want to. Then every few months we cash out the piggie banks and they get to go to Toys R Us and pick something.

Hang in there, mama. This too shall pass.

Sarah - Mama to Vic (1/19/00), Syd (4/06/02) Sam (4/20/06-born at 30wk2d), JackJack (2/14/07) and Charlie (4/30/10)
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#14 of 61 Old 08-06-2006, 01:01 PM
 
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what a difficult situation for you.

does your state not have child care guidelines? i am a mother that receives child support. it is very difficult to set aside the money *just* for the kids. while it may look like i'm not spending my money specifically on the kids - i am. like a pp said, household expenses are often paid by the money, as are groceries, gas along with other bills etc.
you cannot change the fact that your dh has children with someone else. $500/mth is really not very much when it comes to 2 children.
for your own piece of mind it would help you to let that go ... you can't change it. please think of the difference it is making in the lives of your dh's children. it is for their benefit. and even tho the dd is not handling it well and is being rude about it, 12 is a difficult age. she may be struggling with the whole situation herself and may not have the support and guidance she needs to cope with those feelings.

as to the mom and her partying and parenting, it will only drive YOU crazy to think about it. you too can live life to the fullest, it is an attitude and not at all about money it is not your responsibility to worry about those things. you and your dh can love those children to the best of your ability and just forget about the rest. it will make it so much easier for you.

you will get your week-ends. they will come. maybe not now ... but eventually kids do leave home

i wish you all the best.

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#15 of 61 Old 08-11-2006, 03:53 AM
 
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Originally Posted by annarbor931
Hmm. I want to be supportive here, as far as issues of the kids but I really get frustrated when step-parents complain about the CS. The thing about CS is that it goes to a portion of all household expenses, and to specific items for the children. $500/month is not a lot, in my opinion. But, she was the custodial parent without any help from him. Her standard of living was kept above poverty, because of CS. My XH had a home, car, plenty of food, clothing, etc. His kid was entitled to the same things. Now, I am single parent and doing it all alone too. He hasn't seen DS in 15 months. I feel that whatever monies come into our household, benefit my son. I am sure my XH's new woman complains about the CS too. But, you just don't know until you have been there.
I have to share a different perspective on CS.
I am a step-parent and I am complaining.
I hope my story doesn't frustrate you.
My husband was paying $132 a month when he divorced. We met, got married, got pregnant, he got a new job making more to support our new family. His ex saw him driving my van, which I bought before we met, so she said to him, you are making more money and I want it. So she got it.
In Alaska, CS is 20% of gross income, so he had his increased to $584 a month. Huge dent in our budget. Plus, she wanted it back-charged to last July, even though the increase was approved this January. By spring, she got what she wanted, which put my husband in arrears of nearly $6000.
We had to use my credit card to pay off these new arrears. Which means, we're still paying it off.
She also filed bankruptcy. All their bills became my husband's bills. Collection agencies were after him. We used another credit card to pay off $6000 of bills they had jointly accrued during their marriage. But she doesn't have to worry, cause she filed bankruptcy.
We're still paying off that credit card, too.
She failed to report all her income in the year 2000 (when they were still married), and since she filed bankruptcy, the IRS went after my husband for what she owed. They yanked his entire tax refund this year and say he still owes IRS $1000 for her unreported income. We can't pay that cause we have no available credit left.
We hardly get by paying minimums on credit cards, car loan and $1800 a year in car insurance (it's expensive living in Alaska), have almost no food in the house, haven't had meat in two weeks, we're on WIC, which gives us milk, eggs, cheese, cereal and peanut butter. We buy bread at an outlet bakery. We don't splurge on luxuries, don't go out, don't have cable, don't have a cell phone, nothing...(in case someone's wondering, I'm using a free AOL trial for this internet I'm using right now.) We shop at salvation army (we have to buy clothes and toys for stepson cause his mom won't let him bring anything to our house). We live in a trailer which I bought last year (with an advance from a credit card, fixed at 2.9% interest).
We are expecting our second daughter any day now. Alaska gives no break on CS no matter how many more kids we have.
My husband sees son 3 weekends a month, 3 weeks straight in July, one week for Christmas break. Ex won't allow more visitation because if she did, he'd have him enough nights to qualify for joint custody and then she'd get no child support.
Husband has to provide medical insurance coverage for his son, even though it would be cheaper through her husband's work, until his son is 18 years old or until he's 21 if he chooses to attend college.
She's been married 3 years to a working man. She quit her job 8 months ago because she didn't like one of the girls she worked with ... boohoo hoo. Her employment history is staying at a job from 2 weeks to 6 months tops. She's just lazy.
She, her husband, and son moved in with her parents. So she won't have to pay rent or utilities. She (rather her husband, since she earns no money) only pays a portion of the grocery bill. They live in a big house with a large yard.
She owns two cars and a truck.
She is no struggling, single mama. She is not living at or anywhere near poverty. She has no bills, she doesn't work, her son is 9 years old so is in school all day, she is supported by her husband and collects $584 a month in CS which she spends on herself. There are no household expenses! Yet she lives in a big house and drives a nice car.
This is so not fair

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#16 of 61 Old 08-11-2006, 04:13 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Abi's Mom
We met, got married, got pregnant, he got a new job making more to support our new family.
For what it's worth, 90% of my problems with my ex can be described with this sentence. If a man is not financially responsible to his firstborn children, it feels like a slap in the face when he steps up and does the right thing for the second family. More so if the elder children do not also benefit from his increased responsibility. And it's a purely emotional response, because you are being told that someone else's kids are worth working hard for but your own aren't, and that hurts a mama.

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#17 of 61 Old 08-11-2006, 03:09 PM
 
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Originally Posted by flapjack
For what it's worth, 90% of my problems with my ex can be described with this sentence. If a man is not financially responsible to his firstborn children, it feels like a slap in the face when he steps up and does the right thing for the second family. More so if the elder children do not also benefit from his increased responsibility. And it's a purely emotional response, because you are being told that someone else's kids are worth working hard for but your own aren't, and that hurts a mama.
I wish you'd have read the whole thing. His first child has the good life, anything he wants, more than we could ever dream of having. We are the ones who go without. He was financially responsible for his first child, even though his ex had already remarried and was getting money from her new husband. He was working hard full time, although not making as much back then, since he'd just got out of the Army, and he was paying child support, and visiting his son regularly.
I don't see how you got what you did out of my post. How do you think he was not financially responsible for his first child? even when paying a lower child support, which was 20% of his income back then, he also bought his son toys, winter clothes, etc. because the ex didn't spend any of the child support on their son. He probably gave her more money out of pocket at that time than he was paying for CS. I just don't get how you jump to the conclusion that he wasn't being a responsible father just because he got remarried, had another child on the way, and he knew that with more kids, he'd need to make more money (plus the job opportunity just about fell into his lap at the time.)

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#18 of 61 Old 08-11-2006, 03:40 PM
 
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FlapJack,

You are so very right.

My ex is now fighting to lower our children's child support because the 1300 a month will "bankrupt" him. He is claiming that his new wife's four children are a major expenses and that because their dad's do not pay child support, that HIS children's child support should be lowered. This man makes over 100K a year.

So he wants to pay less because HER children are more important. He left us because he fell in love with HER. Bitter, yup, now especially since we will be fighting all of this AGAIN. It is just a huge slap in the face, and now, his children are old enough to understand what he is doing.


When I married my ex, he had a good job, a career even. Since our divorce, he has lied about what he makes, to me, the state, even his attorney. His income has almost doubled. When I finally went back to the state and had them pull his official income, everyone was floored. Two judges have said that the 1300 plus 80% of unpaid medical is fair and just. He is now taking it to the original Judge and trying to change the decree. He even has the balls to ask for HIS attorney's fees.


This man and his wife make well over 150K a year, my husband and I make just over 50K, and yet we do much more with our money.

Child support is for the children. If you break down our budget, divide it by 5, my former spouse's children consume nearly half of our income. Mortgage, utilities, transportation costs (they go to an immersion school and we self transport) food, clothing, activities, (club soccer and riding lessons)

The money is not yours it is the child's right.

The money is not mine,it is my children's right, they deserve to live the life they would have if their father did the right thing volentarily.
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#19 of 61 Old 08-11-2006, 03:50 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Abi's Mom
y.
I just don't get how you jump to the conclusion that he wasn't being a responsible father just because he got remarried, had another child on the way, and he knew that with more kids, he'd need to make more money (plus the job opportunity just about fell into his lap at the time.)

It was not a far jump, the state decided he was not being a responsible father, hence the back support order. IF he was a responsible father, he would have gone to the state himself, declared his new income and had the support adjusted accordingly.
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#20 of 61 Old 08-11-2006, 03:57 PM
 
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FlapJack,
You are so very right.
My ex is now fighting to lower our children's child support because the 1300 a month will "bankrupt" him. He is claiming that his new wife's four children are a major expenses and that because their dad's do not pay child support, that HIS children's child support should be lowered. This man makes over 100K a year.
I can see why you're so bitter: Your experience is different than my husband's ex. Since your ex's new wife's kids aren't his and their own dads don't pay child support, your ex thinks he shouldn't have to. I agree that is messed up. CS is 20% of gross income.

[quote]His income has almost doubled.[quote]
His bills have doubled, too, maybe even more I'm sure. But I still think he should pay his 20% in CS.

[quote]This man and his wife make well over 150K a year, my husband and I make just over 50K, and yet we do much more with our money.[quote]
I can't even imagine making $50,000, much less $100,000 a year. As far as I'm concerned, you and your ex are in a financial class far out of my reach. But I also think people spend way too much on bigger houses. They make more money, they want more stuff. Then they owe more money. It's a vicious cycle.

[quote]The money is not yours it is the child's right. [quote]
I never thought as his CS as mine. I know it's for his son. I just wish my kids could get 20% of his income for their care as well. My daughter does not receive $584 of anything each month. If you take our utilities, food and rent and divide by 3 it's only $178. All the rest of our money is going to pay off his ex's debt. Why does my husband's ex feel she doesn't have to pay for her own kid. My husband donates his fair share, always has, and then some, yet she sits on her ***, doesn't work, has no bills, and expects her ex to FULLY support a child it took BOTH of them to create. How does she not have any responsibility in this child's life?

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#21 of 61 Old 08-11-2006, 03:59 PM
 
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Originally Posted by annarbor931
Hmm. I want to be supportive here, as far as issues of the kids but I really get frustrated when step-parents complain about the CS. The thing about CS is that it goes to a portion of all household expenses, and to specific items for the children. $500/month is not a lot, in my opinion. I don't know your circumstances, but I was a step-mom once too. My XH had another child who he did nto see, but who he paid CS for since birth. I used to resent the monies that he paid to the mom. I used to say the same things. The thing is that I was WRONG. I was uninformed and just plain wrong. The mother may have had her issues, and she may have used the CS monies to get her hair done, etc. But, she was the custodial parent without any help from him. Her standard of living was kept above poverty, because of CS. My XH had a home, car, plenty of food, clothing, etc. His kid was entitled to the same things. Now, I am single parent and doing it all alone too. He hasn't seen DS in 15 months. I feel that whatever monies come into our household, benefit my son. I am sure my XH's new woman complains about the CS too. But, you just don't know until you have been there.
ITA
if she lived alone she could live in a one bedroom not a multiple bedroom house (which costs more) a bigger house takes more money to heat and electric-are you taking this into consideration? so the money is not just for her it is to help pay for the standard of living for all of them.
On raising her-if the mom treats her child more like a friend than a her child, maybe that is what you should do too,just wash your hands of the responsiblitiy of "raising" her. be the friend. you are not her mother, you should not have to worry about raising her. let some of the burden slide off your shoulders. it may take time for the child to adjust to this but I can assure you it will get better. You seem like a caring mother (you are trying to figure out your feelings) and i think you are taking this all too personally. You knew he had children before he met you and he is taking responsiblity for them. I would have no respect for my dh if he didn't. Try to look at it form their point of view.. good luck mama
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#22 of 61 Old 08-11-2006, 04:02 PM
 
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Originally Posted by boobybunny
It was not a far jump, the state decided he was not being a responsible father, hence the back support order. IF he was a responsible father, he would have gone to the state himself, declared his new income and had the support adjusted accordingly.

My husband did not fail to report his new income. His ex-wife beat him to reporting his income by maybe a week, because the court my husband has to go to is in another city, the city his ex lives in.
No, the state didn't decide he was being an irresponsible father. It took the court that long to make the decision. And after all those months went by before they decided how much 20% was, arrears had been accrued.

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#23 of 61 Old 08-12-2006, 03:09 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I just dont see how it is right that she is bringing home over $600 every two weeks from her job plus gets $500 a month in child support, and my husband is making $535 every two weeks, and we have his son more than her, PLUS we have a child together. Regardless of what anyone says, it is hard, and it's not right! Why should we live in poverty just so she can have the cs for her own use, and not her kids?? I mean, if she wanted alamony she should have asked for that instead of cs, then i may have not cared, but to use her kids for money, I dont get it..

When the divorce papers were in the works, she wanted my husband to pay for half of everything for the kids... medical expenses, clothes, and such.. ISN'T THIS WHY SHE IS GETTING CS??

She wanted him to put $6,000 for each kid in a bank account for the kids for college.. but she wanted it right now and in her name..

She wanted it in the divorce papers that SHE would claim both kids on the taxes...

WHAT DOES IT SOUND LIKE SHE WANTS??? AND NOT for the kids cause they aren't with her hardly...

anyway.. ill quit rambling!
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#24 of 61 Old 08-12-2006, 02:01 PM
 
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Typically the custodial parent gets to claim the children, unless the custodial parent signs that right away.

Also, all uninsured medical costs are usually split between the parents at the same rate of the income. So let's say your husband only makes 40% of the income, he would only have to pay 40 % of the medical costs.

Basic clothing, medical up to 250 dollars a year is generally considered part of child support. Some divorce decrees specify that the "back to school" clothing is a shared expense.

College accounts are usually part of the process. My children are part of a family trust, and as such we did not do the college account. Where I made my mistake was not being able to "see" the trust once a year to make sure it was/is being handled correctly. Usually they go into whoever's name made the deposits, a grand parent or a trusted neutral party

She can also ask for and receive up to 6% of his yearly gross salary, for as long as they were married or living together, for retirement. As can he.

If she is making 1200 a month, that is far from the good life. Also, have you taken in the fact that she might have childcare expenses? He is expected to pay for half of childcare.
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#25 of 61 Old 08-12-2006, 03:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by boobybunny
Typically the custodial parent gets to claim the children, unless the custodial parent signs that right away.
They have joint custody, it's in the divorce papers.

Quote:
Originally Posted by boobybunny
Also, all uninsured medical costs are usually split between the parents at the same rate of the income. So let's say your husband only makes 40% of the income, he would only have to pay 40 % of the medical costs.
He is paying for the childrens insurance.


Quote:
Originally Posted by boobybunny
If she is making 1200 a month, that is far from the good life. Also, have you taken in the fact that she might have childcare expenses? He is expected to pay for half of childcare.
1200 a month plus 500, and all that is coming into our house is 535 every two weeks.. so yeah, she is doing pretty good, and NO she does NOT have childcare expenses.. She does not pay the kids grandparents to keep them so she can go out and party like she is 18.
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#26 of 61 Old 08-12-2006, 05:34 PM
 
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Joint custody has nothing to do with who has PHYSICAL custody of the child, and the tax credit.


Often if the NCP has the ability to provide insurance through their employment they MUST do that. IE I have remarried, my husband has health insurance available to his step children, we must provide it. My children's father is court mandated to provide insurance for the children.

I highly suggest you look at your states child support calculator.


Also, she is WORKING, earning an income, If you were working outside the home, your income would would not be counted in the childsupport issue, just as her new husband's is not. Your husband's first obligation is to his first child. If that child's situation is really as dire as you say, maybe a court date is warranted.

As much as I admire moms that stay home, and I think it is a shame that not all can, there are some instances where maybe one should work outside the home or for pay. Your husband needs to put his first family first. It is not that child's fault that mom and dad could not make it work. Your husband chose to have a second family, with limited assets and income, and a substancial economic obligation to his first family.

I am sorry that your situation is tough, that money is tight and your housing situation is less than stellar. It is a situation that the two of you created and must now find a way out of. Venting on this or any web board is a great way to start finding solutions, seeing other sides, and just in general making your life better.

There has been some good advice in this thread, suggestions and ideas for a better future for your family.
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#27 of 61 Old 08-13-2006, 08:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by boobybunny
Your husband needs to put his first family first. It is not that child's fault that mom and dad could not make it work. Your husband chose to have a second family, with limited assets and income, and a substancial economic obligation to his first family.
Are you serious?? He should put his first family first?? All his children should come FIRST! Even if he had 11 kids from 5 different people (which he doesnt). That just makes no sense! He has an obligation to all his children and should have EQUAL care!
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#28 of 61 Old 08-13-2006, 09:14 PM
 
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Are you serious?? He should put his first family first?? All his children should come FIRST! Even if he had 11 kids from 5 different people (which he doesnt). That just makes no sense! He has an obligation to all his children and should have EQUAL care!
: Totally Agree with you sklsnyder.

: It sounds almost like boobybunny thinks since she met the man first, she, and her children are always more important. :
Just because I met dh later on in life (10 years later), and therefore our children were born 2nd and 3rd, doesn't make them rank 2nd and 3rd in his life. All his kids are important to dh. And yes, that means I think it would be fair if all his children could be provided for equally, although the fact is his first gets far better care financially.

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#29 of 61 Old 08-13-2006, 10:17 PM
 
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It is not the first wife and the first family's fault that the husband made an emotional and financial commitment to them, and then broke it.

You knew going into it that he had this prior commitment and as such made your own beds. You are right, EVERY child deserves to be supported in a decent manner. Is it fair to you and your child that the first family has more money? No! It also is not fair that your husband is not a day to day daddy in his first child's life, but is one in yours. Who do you think is really getting the shaft here? It certainly is not your child.



And YES, I do think that the first children are more important. They did not choose this life, I certainly did not have children with my husband, thinking that he would walk out on them. (every other week at best is not a daddy) His income will support them in the manner they would have been supported if he had not walked. IF he chooses to have another child, (and they are pregnant) that child will end up less of an "income" but more of his daily care.

We will end up going round and round on this issue, as the two of you refuse to see the bed that you made as being fair.

I understand where you have a problem with it, you think you and your child are not getting what you deserve. But the person to blame is not the first family.
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#30 of 61 Old 08-13-2006, 10:26 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Abi's Mom
... He was financially responsible for his first child, even though his ex had already remarried and was getting money from her new husband.
That the child's mother remarried and received financial support from her new husband is completely irrelevant to your husband's financial responsibility towards his child. It wouldn't matter if he was Donald Trump. If the new husband wants to help support his stepchild(ren), that's wonderful of him, but he's not legally obligated to. That obligation lies soley with the child's parents.


This is a touchy subject for me. My father was a world-class CS-evader through two families. When he took up with the woman who became my stepmom, he completely abandoned us financially. It all fell to my mother to support us. We went to bed hungry in a roach-infested trailer, while he took the kids he had with his new wife to Disneyland. But he couldn't afford to give my mom any CS, doncha know? Later on, when my mom remarried, to a very loving man who did keep a safe roof over my sister and brother's heads, my dad's argument was that she didn't "need" the money from him anymore (including the thousands in back CS he owed) because SD was paying the bills. My dad owed so much money in CS that he is STILL paying off that debt to my mom, and I am 29 years old. He's getting garnished now, but it's still going to take years. He calls me up and tries to poor-mouth, but I hang up on him.

The funny thing is, the kids he serially abandoned all have great relationships with each other. My mom and ex-stepmom even get along well (my mom once took in all of ESM's little ones when my dad's lack of CS led to them getting evicted from their house.) But none of us want much to do with him. My only consolation, I guess, is that old age is gonna be mighty lonely for him.
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