Am I being selfish for being hurt by this??? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 08-01-2006, 08:05 PM - Thread Starter
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Jeff has a son that is 4. We had him Sunday thru Thursday from the time that he was a year old, until he was 2 1/2. Then his son's bio-mom took him to court and had a PFA filed against Jeff for bogus stuff. The judge put the PFA into effect even before we got the paperwork from CPS stating that all the abuse of Hunter was unfounded and the fact that Jeff and Hunter had a wonderful relationship. It almost killed us when they took him away!!

Well, I have 3 children, two of which call Jeff "Daddy". They absoultely adore him, and for the past two years he has been amazing with them. Doing everything that a good dad does. I was so amazed that a man could care so much about kids that weren't biologically his.

Now, we have Hunter again. The PFA was up in the beginning of June, and the custody order went back to the way that it was before where we have him Sun.-Thur. His bio-mother is pissed. She thought that because the PFA had been in effect that she was going to get full custody. Once we showed the court the paperwork from CPS, she didn't have a chance for full-custody. We actually have Hunter more time then she does. We are in the process of taking her to court for contempt, and she has over ten violations against her. There is a very good chance that we may end up with Hunter full time.

But, ever since we have had him back, Jeff hasn't been the same way with the girls. I know that he is excited that we have him back, and he has 19 months of catching up, and reintroducing himself to Hunter as his Daddy, but the girls are hurting. Haylea-Ann asked me the other day "Does Daddy still love me even though Hunter is here now?" It broke my heart, because he is noticably different now.

Should I just wait it out, and see if after the intial excitement wear off a bit, or should I say something to Jeff??? I don't want to sound selfish, or get in the way of him trying to reconnect with his son, but I hate seeing the other kids hurting too.

Christina:~Student mama to Collyn(13), Haylea-Ann (9):, and Natalie (8) , and SO to Jeff.
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#2 of 7 Old 08-01-2006, 09:48 PM
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I'm sorry this is so rough for you, mama.

I would say something. Just gently remind him that your girls really want his attention too. Maybe suggest that he take the girls on "dates" individually. My DH did this with his biogirls when they were feeling left out due to his work schedule, and it worked wonders. They got all dressed up in fancy dress-up dresses and asked me to do their hair, and then picked their favorite restaurant in town to go to with daddy. Our 4yo picked McDonald's They talked about their dates for months afterwards.

I can't imagine how tough a transition this is for all of you. Hang in there! It sounds like you're all doing a great job so far!

Sarah - Mama to Vic (1/19/00), Syd (4/06/02) Sam (4/20/06-born at 30wk2d), JackJack (2/14/07) and Charlie (4/30/10)
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#3 of 7 Old 08-02-2006, 12:24 PM
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Sorry you're going through such a tough time mamma! I think I would definitely say something to your dh. From what you wrote it seems like you understand how much he wants to reconnect and bond with Hunter. Since you're sensitive to this, you should be able to come across as supportive and not selfish at all, not that I think its selfish for you to want your daughters to feel loved and supported!! I would maybe remind him that they need his love and assurance through the transition and point out that everyone needs to feel connected to Hunter since you are a family, especially if he comes to live with you full time.
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#4 of 7 Old 08-02-2006, 03:36 PM
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I think you should say something. From your post, I can tell that you're very understanting about your DH's feelings and needs, and that will come across. Your DH is probably hurting over the long separation and may just need a little conversation with you to remember that it's about the whole family, not just one child.

Good luck, and many to you and DH and Hunter for what you've been through. I wish you all swift healing from this traumatic experience.

I have an urge to get on my soapbox about the family court system, but this isn't the time...


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#5 of 7 Old 08-03-2006, 01:12 AM
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I would have a very gentle conversation with him....Imagine how you would be if you didn't have your child for 19months. Your dh might not even realize in his effort to catch up with his son he left the girls behind.

I would also discuss with your dd's about the emotions your dh are having and he is having a hard time creating balance.

Sit back and come back with creative ways to create a balance with your dh.
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#6 of 7 Old 08-03-2006, 02:23 AM
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He might not even realize he's neglecting them, so just gently tell him that he needs to spend time with the girls as well.
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#7 of 7 Old 08-03-2006, 08:38 PM
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He might not even realize he's neglecting them, so just gently tell him that he needs to spend time with the girls as well.

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