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#31 of 45 Old 08-14-2006, 11:28 PM
 
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Post monster ate my huge post!: : : I will write tomorrow as I have to put my little guy to bed.
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#32 of 45 Old 08-14-2006, 11:55 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by momof3sweeties
You mentioned he considers his stepsister as a sister...I'm sure she'll think of him as a brother...yet you don't think of him as one of your kids.
A is his HALF sister, not step sister.
They have the same father.
A & J are related to each other through their father.
J inherited none of my genetics, I didn't create him, I didn't birth him, I didn't raise him, so no, I don't think of him as my child.

Quote:
Originally Posted by 777
It makes it even harder i think when your home is supposed to be where you get relief from the outside world, when you can take a rest from the trials of work or relatives or whatever - and when a lot of the tension and frustration is at home it is like you never get that emotional rest. Just issue after issue of walking on eggshells and always just trying to do the right thing day after day. And wondering if I am doing the right thing.
This describes very well how I feel.
My home has always been my sanctuary.
When J is here, in our very small house, I have no privacy.
I can't get away to breathe and recuperate, especially during those long three weeks.
J adores me and follows me everywhere.
J even has tried following me into the bathroom (he never stops talking).
J doesn't give me any space.
It's so suffocating being confined with someone (a boy) in my own home who doesn't give me my own space.
J's not 2, he should be able to be alone occassionally.

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#33 of 45 Old 08-15-2006, 12:05 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WinterBaby
Your dss sounds remarkably like a nephew of my husband's that came to live with us a short while
who was moderately to severely affected by reactive attachment disorder, or RAD.
And maybe this isn't remotely your dss, but
the inappropriate touching, the lying and manipulation, the violent tantrums, hurting younger children,
and the deepseated feelings of being bad/evil/worthless that no child should possess
really spoke to my experience with my nephew.
And if RAD is what you're dealing with, I truly feel for you, (well outside of hormones!)
because that is sooo hard to deal with and love.
A child that spends so much time not being real with you isn't someone you can really get to love,
But these are crucial years for addressing something like that,
before you get to that explosion that is adolescence.
It sounds like you're really doing great at addressing and dealing with his behavior
I wish you much support.
I have asked professional is J's behavior is normal for a 9 year old boy (since I don't know what NORMAL BOYS are like).
They both say some of his misbehavior is normal, but that most of what he does is not, especially in regards to his lack of social skills.
I have not gone into great detail in regards to J's social and behavioral problems on this board.
What I have shared is just the tip of the iceberg.
As you said, it's very hard to be close to someone who is not real with you.

I am so worried about his approaching adolescence. - J's violence, aggression, lying, manipulative behavior - how bad will that be in a hormonal teenage boy trying to learn how to be a man? That thought terrifies me.

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#34 of 45 Old 08-15-2006, 11:09 PM
 
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I don't want to gripe at my DH because I don't want him to think that I am attacking his child. I just need to vent, so I can hurry up and get over it. Plus, he doesn't get it and never will and neither will you momof3sweeties. You are not a step mom and being a stepdaughter does NOT give you insight into step mothering. I am not sure what your situation is about raising children that aren't your own, but whatever it is it is NOT like being a step mom
You are absolutely right. I don't know what it is like to be a step mom. I just see so many step children having major problems with their new blended families and it is really sad. It is not their fault their parents didn't stick together and then they have to go through such major changes in their lives from a split home to 2 different families to try to live in with different rules and different adults, siblings...it has to be really hard on little kids.

My experience that I had is way too complicated to go into detail with. But I have had experience raising my nieces and I do have some experience with RAD first hand from my niece. Abi's mom: The lying and manipulating that you just mentioned...I can SO relate with my oldest niece who has RAD. I witnessed it countless times. If your dss has it I know where you are coming from and I can totally sympathize with your for not feeling love towards him. RAD children are way different to deal with than normal kids. WAY different. But intervention may be needed or else there will be bigger problems down the road. Also if you slightly suspect he has RAD...watch your little ones closely around him.

The reason I jumped in to this thread is I just couldn't stand to see how a child was being regarded. Even if it is "truth" it is just sad to hear. Ya'll should have a thread to vent on because it seems you need support and understanding. I'm sorry if I offended anyone by standing up for Jonathan.
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#35 of 45 Old 08-15-2006, 11:41 PM
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you know my dh and his ex used to fight a lot about her drug use, stealing, dissappearing for weeks at a time - i think sometimes the kids just got left to the wayside. I think if we are going to be passionate about something, argue - whatever - i am glad that it is over our kids and our familes - because that is just the kind of mothers we are!!
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#36 of 45 Old 08-16-2006, 10:26 AM - Thread Starter
 
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sorry all! i lost my own thread. sheesh.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Abi's Mom
I feel like that, too. My stepson is 9 years old. He is generally a good kid, but so many habits of his (much of which he's learned from his mother) just drive me nuts. She treats him like he's 4 years old, so he doesn't know much about taking care of himself. I've had to teach him the basics because his mother didn't.
2)He lies, about anything and everything.
3) He is a drama queeen for attention, still throws 3 year old type temper tantrums, especially if he doesn't get what he wants.
6) He tries to argue with me about rules, even though I don't argue back, and he's a great actor, used to pouting and putting on a show about how sorry he is (because his mom buys it), but I don't buy it and he knows he can't get away with being conniving and manipulating with me.
When our dd was born, dss had a little difficulty learning how to share, as he had been an only child for 8 years. He was not accustomed to sharing anything. Sometimes dss is helpful and I try to encourage his pride in being an older brother. I point out to him how much my daughter admires and adores him. He seems to like that.
Yes! DH says he thinks his ex and his parents just let him do whatever he wants to (like sitting and playing gamecube all freaking day, even though he needs SERIOUS help w/ reading and comprehension) and that DSS walks all over all of them. He does little, stupid lies or exaggerates things a bit to his dad and then I come over and say what really happened (last night his dad was going to let him stay up past his bedtime to watch a DVD in his room - I pointed out that he was at his very crankiest after he was allowed to stay up past his bedtime before. DSS looked fine, but I heard him sobbing after I left the room). He cries when things aren't going his way and makes up a false reason for it that will evoke sympathy. He also takes almost all of his dad's attention, and I am a bit worried about what happens when our new baby comes -

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#37 of 45 Old 08-16-2006, 10:28 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by momof3sweeties
The reason I jumped in to this thread is I just couldn't stand to see how a child was being regarded. Even if it is "truth" it is just sad to hear. Ya'll should have a thread to vent on because it seems you need support and understanding. I'm sorry if I offended anyone by standing up for Jonathan.
: You didn't offend me. True you may not be a stepmom, but the op has no idea what it is like to be a mom to a 9 year old boy and I do. And, like you, I feel horrible for this little boy.

You are a sweet person momof3sweeties. I should try to be more like you...

Trying to do the right thing with three kids and a hubby. 
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#38 of 45 Old 08-16-2006, 10:34 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Abi's Mom
I have resented being forced to watch him all day for 3 weeks of my husband's summer visitation (while husband is at work), when I was 8 months pregnant. There is a big difference between watching dss him for a weekend than for three straight weeks. I never resented the stepson.
6 weeks here, and I understand. there is a difference. he's a good kid (thank heavens, considering the dna he comes from . . . ; ) and if dh was here for more than 1 week of the 6 weeks, that'd be cool. but 60+ hours a week of just me taking care of DSS when i would rather be lounging on my butt, enjoying my last few months in quiet alone time . . . THAT is a bit upsetting. (plus we have this whole argument about how DSS should have gone to summer camp going on, but next summer it's camp or no visit, so the future is all good)

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#39 of 45 Old 08-16-2006, 10:37 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Abi's Mom
This describes very well how I feel. My home has always been my sanctuary. With ss here, in a very small house, I feel I just can't get away to breathe, have privacy and recuperate, especially during those long three weeks. He adores me, so wants to follow me everywhere, (he even tried following me into the bathroom or wanted to come into my bedroom when dh and I are getting ready for bed), and I'd have to tell him I need my space. It's very confining, being in a small space with someone (a boy) who couldn't respect that I need my own space sometimes.
YES!!!!! i close myself in my room to read a lot. (he does nothing but watch tv anyway)

eta: i have lots of bitterness towards his mom too. for starters, his reading and comprehension skills are horrible. she has him read 20 minutes a day and said he should write 5 lines a day in his journal. DH thought that an hour a day of reading would be much better because he really needs practice (i couldn't agree more) and ex thinks this is extreme and said he should stop writing in his journal. she also says DH spoils him, but she and DH's parents (who hate DH and love ex) spoil him way more. (we also have thousands of dollars worth of debt of hers that he incurred in the divorce settlement, which ticks me off a LOT) she also lets him walk all over her, so he isn't so good at listening. he also doesn't have the best manners (which is way annoying to my pregnant self)

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#40 of 45 Old 08-16-2006, 02:15 PM
 
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i think sometimes the kids just got left to the wayside. I think if we are going to be passionate about something, argue - whatever - i am glad that it is over our kids and our familes - because that is just the kind of mothers we are!!
Exactly.

The Mothers all over MDC are mothers that are truly passionate and into mothering. From taking care of themselves and having a healthy pregnancy, breastfeeding, diapering, parenting ,schooling their children, family dynamics...It is amazing all the intelligent informed mamas out there. Too many times IRL you see moms who don't have a clue, aren't informed and don't really care. MDC moms ROCK!

I couldn't imagine having an ex and stepchildren. I have friends and relatives in blended families and hear of their frustrations. When I married my dh we agreed that if we have some rough times we will work them out. We could have one or two crummy years but over 50 good years. So far we have never had any bad times...I lucked out and have an amazing mate. And to have a good marriage for us it does take work on both ends...a lot of give and take....However...if things were to go to crap and we were to seperate. I would not get involved with anyone seriously while my kids were still kids. I wouldn't want to take any of my time, focus and energy away from them while they were growing up on a relationship and someone else's kids. That's just me though....
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#41 of 45 Old 08-28-2006, 03:25 PM
 
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J's mom has changed his meds again (she's always trying out something different every few months, for the past 3 years).

We'll see how it goes.

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#42 of 45 Old 08-03-2007, 06:48 PM
 
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J turned 10 yrs old in June.
Nothing much has changed in his behavior.
His counselor says he hasn't gotten worse, nor better, he is just more manipulative about it.

J's mom starting fostering girls in July (for the money).

As of June 14, 2007, J began a one month stay in a residential mental health treatment center.
J says he feels abandoned, neglected, forgotten about by his mother.

J is now diagnosed as bipolar.
Sheesh.
So let's see.
He has PTSD
ADHD
Depression
Bipolar

How many labels can his mom give him?
How many meds can she put him on?

:

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#43 of 45 Old 08-05-2007, 12:40 PM
 
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Hmmmm... I'm going to jump in here.

First, I do not think that posters coming into this forum to "stand up for" the stepchildren is particularly helpful. As another poster noted, stepmothers come here to vent and discuss things that are difficult to talk about with their spouses and with their friends/relatives who are not stepparents. I don't really appreciate being told on each thread to "think about the child" and "oh the poor child" and "I think it's sad you don't love your stepchild."

I understand where you are coming from Abi's Mom. I feel the same way you do in many ways. I do not feel that I am obligated to love my stepson. I will never love him like I do my own child(ren). I do not think this is sad. He HAS a mother, and a father. He is not ENTITLED to four parents.

I did not cause the divorce. I was nowhere around when it occurred. It is not my job to "fix" it or to make up for the way his parents may fail him, or the fact that he has no intact family. I don't think this is cold. I think this is fair and realistic.

My son has one mother. It is myjob to be his parent. My responsibility is to him.

Now, this may not be what anyone wants to hear but... I 've been married for 5 years. My stepson is 11. It's gotten harder, not easier. I'm really really dreading the teen years.
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#44 of 45 Old 08-05-2007, 12:41 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Abi's Mom View Post
J turned 10 yrs old in June.
Nothing much has changed in his behavior.
His counselor says he hasn't gotten worse, nor better, he is just more manipulative about it.

J's mom starting fostering girls in July (for the money).

As of June 14, 2007, J began a one month stay in a residential mental health treatment center.
J says he feels abandoned, neglected, forgotten about by his mother.

J is now diagnosed as bipolar.
Sheesh.
So let's see.
He has PTSD
ADHD
Depression
Bipolar

How many labels can his mom give him?
How many meds can she put him on?

:
This is confusing. You know, bipolar, depression, and ADHD can all be confused for each other.
Other than that, It must be very hard


Oh, OP. I would be frustrated if I were you, too. I agree that perhaps in the future you should explain to your DH that you are not comfortable being the primary caretaker for such a long period of time. I think that is a reasonable request.
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#45 of 45 Old 08-05-2007, 05:21 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Selesai View Post
I understand where you are coming from Abi's Mom.
I feel the same way you do in many ways.
I do not feel that I am obligated to love my stepson.
I will never love him like I do my own child(ren).
I do not think this is sad.
He HAS a mother, and a father.
He is not ENTITLED to four parents.
Thank You!


Quote:
Originally Posted by Selesai View Post
I did not cause the divorce.
I was nowhere around when it occurred.
Same here.
My husband and his ex (H) had been separated for over two years prior to their divorce.
H was already living with her boyfriend (L) during the separation.
H married L exactly 30 days after the divorce was finalized.
I didn't even meet my husband until nearly a year after the divorce was finalized.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Selesai View Post
It is not my job to "fix" it or to make up for the way his parents may fail him,
or the fact that he has no intact family.
I don't think this is cold.
I think this is fair and realistic.
Thank you for saying this.
I often feel like it is my job to "fix" J.
His parents have done such an awful job with J.
Thank you for pointing out it really isn't my job at all.
I still do what I can, though.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Selesai View Post
I've been married for 5 years.
My stepson is 11.
It's gotten harder, not easier.
I'm really really dreading the teen years.
Ugh. :
That is what I'm afraid of.
J's violence and aggression has not improved at all the past year.
: I will do whatever is necessary to protect my babes.
I all too frequently fear for their safety when J is around.
I, too, am so dreading the raging hormonal adolescent stage.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Selesai View Post
This is confusing.
You know, bipolar, depression, and ADHD can all be confused for each other.
Yes, I know those 3 can often be confused.
However, I don't understand how H has convinced J's counselors that he has PTSD, though.
Doesn't that apply more to someone who has survived some kind of trauma, ie: abuse, war, life-threatening incident, etc. ?

Unless the PTSD is somehow a result of H's long-term affair.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Selesai View Post
Other than that,
It must be very hard
Thank you for the hugs.
Yes, it's very hard.

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