My stepkid says I shouldn't have babies - Mothering Forums

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Old 08-08-2006, 12:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Here is a little background: My stepkiddo is 6 and an only child and very comfortable being there. I have been married to her Dad for over a year and in stepkiddos life for a year prior to our marriage. She is very well adjusted and used to everything long before now. Her mom and I have a great relationship and we are pretty much the fantasy step/divorced family. My stepkiddo is also a little spoiled since both my husband and I and his ex-wife are comfortable financially.

Now, hubby and I have been talking and we have decided to start trying to have children of our own (he's always wanted a lot of kids) next summer. We are waiting that long because I am training for an Ironman right now and that doesn't mix with being preggo. My race is next June, so that is why we picked July. Becasue I know my stepkiddo is happy being an only child I have been trying to talk to her about me and her daddy having children. She just keeps telling me that she thinks that its a "bad idea". I can't get much more out of her than that.

Does anyone have any experience with this type of situation? Stepkiddo has no say in when we have babies, regardless of stepkiddos opinion on the matter we will start trying to concoeve next July. I just want her to be comfortable with it. I already have fears of her trying to "hide the baby" or doing something else that could hurt the baby once it is born if her attitude doesn't change. My hubby would just tell me these fears are irrational, bu tit doesn't really matter because I still have them.
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Old 08-08-2006, 02:45 PM
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I have a 14 year old step son at home that doesnt want me and my husband to have kids. you would think by that age he would be a little bit more independant and wouldnt necessarily care. The other two have gone back and forth, but at this point in the game they are open to it. Kids just dont typically like change. You are probbaly going to hear "nos" up until the point you are pregnant. Once you are - just reassure the positive aspects - a friend to play with, would she rather have a sister or brother, she can teach sister /brother things she has learned. Give her a special role in this change so she doesnt feel displaced.
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Old 08-08-2006, 07:37 PM
 
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I would also guess it's not as much a "stepkiddo" thing as it is a "kiddo" thing. Obviously, dynamics are different in blended families, but the reality is lots of kids aren't interested in siblings if given the choice. In fact, most of us adults are ambivalent about having children from time to time. DH and I became pregnant quite unexpectedly and I really worried about how the kids would take it (biologically my kids from a previous marriage) - and they have been great. Had I asked them about it ahead of time, I'm sure they would have had mixed emotions...as I would have as well. Perhaps the thing to do is not talk about it so much in advance. After all, she'll have about 8 months to prepare her mind for it after you find out next year anyway.

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Old 08-09-2006, 11:38 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks ya'll! I think you are right and I need to focus on this as an only child issue and not as an step child issue.
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Old 08-10-2006, 12:17 AM
 
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My dss didn't want us to have kids, he was perfectly happy being the prince both her and at his mom's house. Well, we had one and she had two more, so he has a bunch of brothers that he loves. He wouldn't have chosen it, especially since he didn't have one already. He didn't want to share. Now he can't imagine not having siblings. I think it is normal only child fear of being replaced, set aside, ignored, etc.
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Old 08-10-2006, 01:26 PM
 
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My dss is 6 years old as well... and he continually asks me for a younger brother! So, he is the exact opposite. However, he has it pretty good at our house, especially since he is the only child and center of our attention. I know it will be an adjustment when we do have another baby. Just because he thinks it's a good idea now, doesn't mean it will be that way when the baby arrives.

I read in a book called "Simple Pleasures" that the best thing to do with an only child that is about to become a big brother or big sister, is to designate something special that you do for her/him, ie: bake her her favorite cookies. Then make it a routine. Since babies receive a lot of attention, it's good to put some focus on the other child as well. Hope this helps!
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Old 08-10-2006, 02:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks flor and mrsbigsky. Me and Juju do a lot of stuff together now, we have lots of stuff that she calls "our things" becasue her bio mom and her dad don't do them. That sure won't stop. I'll make it a point to make special time for them. I know she'll always be an only child at her mom's house, maybe that will help her. (her mom got preggers by "mistake" with my stepkiddo. She loves her daughter, but I know she doesn't want any more kids.)
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Old 08-14-2006, 11:18 PM
 
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I'm not sure older kids are especially any more mature over these things. My teenaged sd who's been living with us 6 months now told us several times as we were discussing the timing of a new baby that our family was big enough (with her and dd,) and that we shouldn't have more kids. I initially let it slide, but when it was repeated whenever the subject came up, I had to corner her to say that me and her father were the ones to decide how many children we were going to have, not her. When I did become pregnant (earlier than planned,) she was the opposite of congratulatory. Since I stand a fairly significant chance of losing this baby as I approach the 3rd trimester, I felt a need to be upfront with her and tell her she needed to at least pretend to be on board with the baby thing, because if I lose the baby and think for a minute she's happy about it, it'll destroy whatever relationship we've managed to build. On the whole though, I think it's common for kids to feel threatened by a new addition - loss of attention, not feeling as special or whatever. I wouldn't fear harm coming to the baby so much. I had a friend who hid his baby sister behind the television. She remained entirely unharmed by this event, and it sent a clear message that perhaps he needed a bit of extra attention, lol. I'm a bit stymied on how to work with a teen over these issues though. Mine seems as equally dismayed by all the attention she feels *I* will get during preganacy as having a new addition.
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Old 08-17-2006, 06:37 PM
 
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zilla,
BTDT. My DDS is 11.5.
when I came into his life, he was five. Until my DD was born last year, he was the only child in the middle of four doting adults, all of whom get along pretty well.
When we first started talking about more kids, DDS was 7. he didn't like the idea at the time. However, as time went on, it grew on him, to the point that Christmas 2004, he said he wanted a little brother for Christmas!
I got PG in Feb 50. DD was born Oct. 05. He loves her to pieces! Now he wants to know when we will have that little brother he asked for!
Just give it time, once it's a foregone conclusion that there will be new baby, your DSC will probably change his mind.
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Old 08-18-2006, 11:32 AM
 
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The birth of my dd was the start of an awful downwards spiral on the relationship with my 2dsd. They were 9&10 and their mom just had a baby 4m earlier and the oldest just had a half-sibling born right before as well.
I was and still am afraid to leave dd alone with her 2dsd. I never had "proof" before, but now dd is reporting some really nasty things the 2dsd tell her. Overall, lots of anger issues with the 2dsd, oldest is in counseling for anger issues.
Dh and I are debating more dc and I don't think they will take it well. We only see them for 2 weeks in the summer but I still think they won't be happy about it. dd is begging for a sibling.

mom to 14yr dd and 4yr dd
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Old 08-18-2006, 02:28 PM
 
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what kid (old enough to get what a loss of time and money) wants a sibling?

I think it is a mistake for parents (of any kind) to ask kid's permission or involve them in the choice to have kids. This is an adult decision.

Talk to her about what is great about sibs but don't ask her for permission or discuss that you will be trying or anything. Just be vauge.

My skids ask us if we will have more and I just say "we will see" and I let it go. I mean some kids aren't planned so no matter what you have in mind...you never know.

It isn't her choice. and I feel this for step kids or bio kids. Just don't involve them in this.
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Old 08-18-2006, 04:59 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MommyMine
what kid (old enough to get what a loss of time and money) wants a sibling?

I think it is a mistake for parents (of any kind) to ask kid's permission or involve them in the choice to have kids. This is an adult decision.

Talk to her about what is great about sibs but don't ask her for permission or discuss that you will be trying or anything. Just be vauge.

My skids ask us if we will have more and I just say "we will see" and I let it go. I mean some kids aren't planned so no matter what you have in mind...you never know.

It isn't her choice. and I feel this for step kids or bio kids. Just don't involve them in this.
Exactly!
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Old 08-18-2006, 06:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MommyMine
what kid (old enough to get what a loss of time and money) wants a sibling?

I think it is a mistake for parents (of any kind) to ask kid's permission or involve them in the choice to have kids. This is an adult decision.

Talk to her about what is great about sibs but don't ask her for permission or discuss that you will be trying or anything. Just be vauge.

My skids ask us if we will have more and I just say "we will see" and I let it go. I mean some kids aren't planned so no matter what you have in mind...you never know.

It isn't her choice. and I feel this for step kids or bio kids. Just don't involve them in this.

I am not asking my stepkids permission for anything. Like I said in the beginning DH and I decided to start having kids, My step has nothing to do with the decision whatsoever. I am going to try to get pregnant when I want whether she likes it or not. That said, I love my SD very much and I want her to be happy. I want to help her work through the issues she has now, before I am pregnant and hormonal and all that stuff. I want her to be happy about a sibling and not feel like she is going to be forgotten or whaever kids feel when they get a new sibling.


Thanks to everyone else with your different stories. I really appreciate your sharing. You have all given me more to think about. My husband and I have been talking about having a baby in front of her and she is not protesting anymore, its like she realizes that it is going to happen and no pouty face will make us change our minds. So things are getting better with her attitude about the whole thing.
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Old 08-19-2006, 04:42 PM
 
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When my dad and stepmom had "their" kids, my older brother and I were afraid that our stepmom and our dad would like those kids better than us.

Our parents divorced when I was 18 months old. They had been separated for over a year prior to the divorce, and both were in relationships with other people. So my brother and I always had our stepmom in our lives, for as long as either of us could remember. But, that didn't change the fact that we were afraid that once she had *her* kids, she wouldn't love *us* anymore.

So maybe that's what your stepkiddo is worried about.
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Old 08-26-2006, 10:30 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zilla
I am not asking my stepkids permission for anything. Like I said in the beginning DH and I decided to start having kids, My step has nothing to do with the decision whatsoever. I am going to try to get pregnant when I want whether she likes it or not. That said, I love my SD very much and I want her to be happy. I want to help her work through the issues she has now, before I am pregnant and hormonal and all that stuff. I want her to be happy about a sibling and not feel like she is going to be forgotten or whaever kids feel when they get a new sibling.
Right, but to the child, it may seem like you are asking permission depending on how you ask. "What do you think of daddy and I having a baby" can often send the message that you are asking for thier opinion or permission and can lead to "well I SAID I didn't want a brother/sister!!". I think a better way to approach it is "We're going to have a baby, so you're going to have a little brother or sister, how do you feel about that?" and then work from there. If you can do that before you're pregnant, as you were trying to do, then you can catch any negativity and try to find a reassuring answer for the kids without the hormones interfering. If it is afterwards, and if it is step kids, then I highly recommend having DH talk to his kids about it without you around and THEN have a family discussion about it.

Mom to Kayleigh (05/07) Jacob (05/09) and Ned decluttering 615/2010
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