Thinking about Divorce & Married with his hers and ours - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 9 Old 08-09-2006, 11:23 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I have posted under single parenting because of a situation I am dealing with my son’s father. I was new to the board. And that looked like the right area for my question’s. Now to the issue at hand.

I have been married to my hubby for 11 years. When we got married he had a son that was 18 mths old, and I had a son that was 4. We had two adorable little girls. When I married him, I rushed into it. We both wanted the same things out of life, and I did love him. He seemed to be a great Dad to his son and treated my son fantasicly!

I have had it…. For 11 years I have been the peace maker with his family that is always’s up our butt, his X that has had us in court every year of our marriage. She is horrible to us. But, that is another story. My X has had nothing to do with my son. So my son thinks of my Hubby us his Dad. He is taking a huge interest into Computers, which is what Hubby does. In fact my son is going to school for it.

Now the problem…. When we got married, I was making more money and had my own place. He was in major debt and living with his parent’s. Now for almost 2 years I have been a stay at home Mom, a decision we both made. He loves to rack up the credit cards. I finally turned the check book over to him. He has been fired 7 times in 11 years. And lied to me for two weeks about it once. Money is extremely tight… and he is still spending.

The MAJOR PROBLEM…. My son and Hubby do not get along at all. It has been this way for years…. I back up Hubby, but he yells at me anyway. My son yells back at him to leave me out of it. My son is 15 and loves me dearly. I am so afraid that he is going to hurt my son. He did about 5 years ago…. But has gotten a lot better until recently. Now the girls are aware of what is going on. They want to know why Dad is always yelling at my son or me. He does not think twice about creating a scene in public by yelling at the kids or me. I have asked and demanded him to seek anger management, but he will not do it.

Sorry so long… I am at the breaking point…. I am not the same person I was before I married him. I use to speak my mind, now I hold it in. I am on anti-depresent’s, I can’t drive with out getting nervous. I do not know what to do. HELP!
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#2 of 9 Old 08-09-2006, 01:40 PM
 
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Now let me get this straight, you married a guy who was in massive debt with no interest in getting out, who can't keep a job, and who abuses you son (I'm a little unsure what you were sayng in that part) and he is digging you both in to a hole of debt on one income?

Listen to yourself and leave him! You sound like you are perfectly capapble of handling yourself and your son on your own. Get out before it gets worse (and I have a feeling it will.).
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#3 of 9 Old 08-09-2006, 01:45 PM
 
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I didn't want to read and not post - your situation sounds hard. I had a similar feeling about myself in my relationship with my ex (about being a different person, holding a part of yourself back) - After a few months of being single, I was happily surprized that I started to "find myself" again. It's hard to give people relationship advise online - only you know what's really in your heart. I will say that what you're describing is not a good relationship or one that I would want to raise my kids in, but that's just my initial reaction.

edited to add: OK - ZILLA said what I wanted to say
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#4 of 9 Old 08-09-2006, 01:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I did not know he was in debt when we got married. Hence the rushing into things statement. I having been trying to make this marriage work. My 1st one failed. I would hate to do it again. And what about my girl's.... they deserve a whole family. I see what the boy's go through. It is not fair to the kids.

But, you are right.... it is not getting any better. I can not stand to be around him. I need to get out, I just do not know where to start. Family is going to go crazy, I need a job, we have a house and major bills.

Thanks so much for your input... I just needed an outsider's point of view. Any other input would highly be appericated.

Kat:
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#5 of 9 Old 08-09-2006, 01:53 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zilla
Now let me get this straight, you married a guy who was in massive debt with no interest in getting out, who can't keep a job, and who abuses you son (I'm a little unsure what you were sayng in that part) and he is digging you both in to a hole of debt on one income?

Listen to yourself and leave him! You sound like you are perfectly capapble of handling yourself and your son on your own. Get out before it gets worse (and I have a feeling it will.).
agreed. I know you say he's "gotten better" since he 'hurt' him, but once is far too often. you know that in your heart. and the other things you posted just add to the list of reasons why you should free yourself and your children from this enviroment...
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#6 of 9 Old 08-09-2006, 02:32 PM
 
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Get out, but take your time. Make an exit plan, get a job, a bank account of your own, etc, etc. Start documenting everything now, and keep it in a safe place: the girls birth certificates.
Do you feel that you have done everything you can to make this marriage work? Or is there something more that will leave you thinking "if only?" Because if so, whilst you're making your exit plan, get your "if only's" out of the way so you can leave guilt free.
Be warned, the next 18 years of your life are probably going to consist of him driving you nuts in exactly the same way his ex drives you nuts now. TBH, though, she possibly has a point? It might be interesting for you to have this conversation with her and see what she says.

Helen mum to five and mistress of mess and mayhem, making merry and mischief til the sun goes down.
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#7 of 9 Old 08-09-2006, 02:37 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by flapjack
Get out, but take your time. Make an exit plan, get a job, a bank account of your own, etc, etc. Start documenting everything now, and keep it in a safe place: the girls birth certificates.
Do you feel that you have done everything you can to make this marriage work? Or is there something more that will leave you thinking "if only?" Because if so, whilst you're making your exit plan, get your "if only's" out of the way so you can leave guilt free.
Be warned, the next 18 years of your life are probably going to consist of him driving you nuts in exactly the same way his ex drives you nuts now. TBH, though, she possibly has a point? It might be interesting for you to have this conversation with her and see what she says.
The answer below is NOT insinuating anything abou the OP. Just my personal experience with the whole 'past behavior predicts' type thing

awesome point. I once had to have the whole : BOTH of his ex-wives have been committed to mental institutions. both of them had successful, normal lives and careers before they met him. Do you not see the common denominator here?: conversation with a close friend regarding the guy she was dating... it was hard, especially when she agreed that I had a valid point and married the jackal anyways. :cry.

and yeah, last time I talked to her mom {it's THAT small and big mouthed of a town} she's been prescribed anti-d's and xanax... sad, really
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#8 of 9 Old 08-09-2006, 02:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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In regards to do I think I have done everything to make this marriage work… YES! I have planned on leaving him a few times in the past. But, he always said if I did he would just kill himself. I felt sorry for him. And I was afraid of the fallout with the kids and the extended family. We don’t have s*x, because I do not want it period…. No I am not having an affair! I am just not interested at all.

Wow…. I never had to take and medication until he came alone. Both his X and I are on anti-d's and xanax. I have said that to him before…. All of this is a big reality check!

Thanks for your input….. Kat
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#9 of 9 Old 08-09-2006, 02:49 PM
 
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I understand when you say that your kids deserve a whole family, but they also deserve to have a mother who is happy and can function without having a nervous breakdown. You are their family because the father isn't being good to any of all if he this type of attitude.

Your children need to see how a good marriage work and when to leave a bad one.
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