Please, I need help with some questions I have. - Mothering Forums

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Old 08-15-2006, 04:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi Everyone I just typed a long message and for some reason it didn't post :

Anyway, I will try to sum up what it said....

I am a mom to two boys, ages 7 and 3 and a step mom to two kids SD-9 and SS-6. We are a fairly new blended family. We've all been living together almost a year. I have the best family in the whole world but like many of you I come here seeking wisdom & others experiences as step parents & step children, so that I can in turn, learn all angles of "step parenting" so my wonderful husband and I can make the best decisions possible to raise our four wonderful kids.

Both my husband and I come from "broken" homes. It feels so weird calling it that since my family was more "whole" when it was technically "broken" then when it was "whole". : Got all that? haha I had/have the best stepfather in the whole world. Was he perfect for me because I am a girl? I often times think I should model my step parenting skills after him-since I think he was so great, but I am a step "mother" and so my role varies a bit differently. Now my husband can model after him, I think -but then his step children are both boys, and so does that mean he needs to be different? Everyone will agree you treat boys differently then girls, right? I'm so confused.

Sorry for rambling .... So my first real question (I have many!) is in your families- who does the discipline? Do you discipline your "own" or do you disciple each others? There is a fine line there but I haven't quite figured it out yet. What is too much and what is not enough? I don't want my children or his to think they can get away with murder because they "recognize" that we are "to discipline" our own and I don't want it to appear as if I am running to him "tattling" on what they have done.

Thanks in advance for your advice. We truly appreciate it!
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Old 08-15-2006, 08:30 PM
 
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Sorry for rambling .... So my first real question (I have many!) is in your families- who does the discipline? Do you discipline your "own" or do you disciple each others? There is a fine line there but I haven't quite figured it out yet. What is too much and what is not enough? I don't want my children or his to think they can get away with murder because they "recognize" that we are "to discipline" our own and I don't want it to appear as if I am running to him "tattling" on what they have done.

Thanks in advance for your advice. We truly appreciate it!
Been there.. It is difficult in the begining. When me and my husband first moved in together, we had his son most of the time, he is 5, I ran to him 'tattling', just because I didn't want him to hate me, also, when I did try to tell him to stop, or calm down and so on.. he just simply wouldn't listen to me. My husband actually talked to him, and told him that he does need to listen to me because I am a part of his family now, he is doing much better and now I'm not afraid to discipline him. He is my step son and he lives with us, he just has to listen to both of us.

Just have your husband talk to his kids, and you talk to yours. Let them know that they need to listen to you and your husband. They may not feel comfortable with it now, but as time goes on, they will accept it!

I have just recently gotten use to "disciplining" his 12 year old daughter. It was and still is hard. I just don't want her to hate me and so forth. But I feel if I make her listen and do it in a resonable manner, she will respect me more.

As for what is too much and what is too little, you and your dh should come to an agreement. Usually when I get my husbands son to behave, I start counting.. lol, but he is 5 and will eventually wait to see what comes next! But it works for now I also threaten to take away games, toys, even use timeout it usually works. Most of the time I don't have to act on it. But see it's not being too harsh and they will see that you mean buisness.

Hope this helps, I'm not sure, maybe it doesn't even make any sense??? lol.. I'm sorry. But Good Luck!!!

Kristen
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Old 08-15-2006, 08:38 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Born2BaMom
Sorry for rambling .... So my first real question (I have many!) is in your families- who does the discipline? Do you discipline your "own" or do you disciple each others? There is a fine line there but I haven't quite figured it out yet. What is too much and what is not enough? I don't want my children or his to think they can get away with murder because they "recognize" that we are "to discipline" our own and I don't want it to appear as if I am running to him "tattling" on what they have done.

Thanks in advance for your advice. We truly appreciate it!
When our oldest girls (my DSDs) started calling me "mommy", I started taking a more proactive stance on discipline. They were only three and 18 months when we met, so there wasn't much to do, and three years later, they consider me a parent and listen to me (or not!) as such. Usually if something happens, I'll talk to the girls about it, and just let DH know what happened and how the situation was handled. And honestly, if it's a big enough deal, we talk to biomom about it too and let her know how we handled the situation (or vice versa if something happens while they're at her home). It works well for us. They consider me a parent, and I act as such. Nothing more sever than a timeout, and the girls are getting old enough (DSD1 is 6 1/2 now) that they can choose their consequence for major indescretions like fighting, or lying to one of us. Generally speaking, their chosen discipline is to miss out on TV or to not get to watch a movie before bed on the weekend.

All in all, our house is fairly laid back at the moment. I'm sure in 5 or 6 years as DSD1 enters the dreaded teenagedom it will get more intense, but for now fairly gentle discipline from all parties works best.

Sarah - Mama to Vic (1/19/00), Syd (4/06/02) Sam (4/20/06-born at 30wk2d), JackJack (2/14/07) and Charlie (4/30/10)
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Old 08-16-2006, 11:15 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you so much for your replies. It's so nice to finally have found someone to talk to over this kind of stuff.

My next question is: my s who is 7 and my dh's s who is almost 7 are playing together good one minute and the next they are smacking each other in the head, picking at each other, fighting and saying they wished each other were dead (yeah, we finally put our foot down on that one and said their mouths were getting washed out with soap if we heard that again- because that is worse than cursing in my opinion). Our boys were friends before we were together though. They were 3 when they met and became friends. So my question is ... is this typical behavior of brothers, or am I doing something wrong? My s is VERY possessive over me. I do love my stepchildren but at times I feel my s resents me for it & then I feel guilty. Guilty because I love his kids and guilty because I am "slighting" my son...

Any thoughts on this?
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Old 08-17-2006, 12:20 AM
 
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Thank you so much for your replies. It's so nice to finally have found someone to talk to over this kind of stuff.

My next question is: my s who is 7 and my dh's s who is almost 7 are playing together good one minute and the next they are smacking each other in the head, picking at each other, fighting and saying they wished each other were dead (yeah, we finally put our foot down on that one and said their mouths were getting washed out with soap if we heard that again- because that is worse than cursing in my opinion). Our boys were friends before we were together though. They were 3 when they met and became friends. So my question is ... is this typical behavior of brothers, or am I doing something wrong? My s is VERY possessive over me. I do love my stepchildren but at times I feel my s resents me for it & then I feel guilty. Guilty because I love his kids and guilty because I am "slighting" my son...

Any thoughts on this?
I think it is very typical behavior!!! I remember me and my brothers fought all the time.. they dont really know any better that saying that would be terribly wrong though.. but I do like your idea of washing their mouths out with soap! My mom actually did that to me when i was younger! (THEY WILL LISTEN! LOL). I really hope I'm SOMEWHAT of a help.

Take care,
Kristen
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