My Stepdaughter left me - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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Old 10-18-2006, 11:46 AM
 
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Sounds to me like a cry for help. She's embarrassed and feels bad for what she did to you. She's mad at herself so she's taking it out on you. KWIM? Teenagers get all their emotions backwards and upside down sometime.

I don't think you should have hung up on her like that or yelled at her. I know it's hard but you should apolgize to her and explain to her why our reacted that emtionally. She may not understand at first, it may take a while but she'sll figure it out someday.

why else would she call your phone? She's trying to connect with you but she doesn't have the emtional stability to or the skills to mend the rift or make that connection- it has to be up to you.

I would fight for her. Go back to court, bring her home against her will and continue to fight for her. If she wants to live with bio-mom at 18, then let her.
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Old 10-19-2006, 03:34 PM
 
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Originally Posted by 2crazykids View Post
Sounds to me like a cry for help. She's embarrassed and feels bad for what she did to you. She's mad at herself so she's taking it out on you. KWIM? Teenagers get all their emotions backwards and upside down sometime.

I don't think you should have hung up on her like that or yelled at her. I know it's hard but you should apolgize to her and explain to her why our reacted that emtionally. She may not understand at first, it may take a while but she'sll figure it out someday.

why else would she call your phone? She's trying to connect with you but she doesn't have the emtional stability to or the skills to mend the rift or make that connection- it has to be up to you.

I would fight for her.
: I agree!!

It would be very easy for bio-mom to make her feel uncomfortable calling you mommy, even if bio-mom didn't do anything overt. Just the emotional weakness of bio-mom can make your sd feel she needs to protect her, and since she probably sees you as being a rock in her life, she may just be hoping you will be able to roll with this for a while until things can get sorted out. My instinct is that it is very important for you to continue to be that rock. Your siggy has a statement of unconditional love, now you have to live that even when it is so hard. Hang in there, mama! I also believe that truly unconditional love is harder to achieve with stepchildren than with bio-children. More work, but very necessary!
Someday your sd will come back out of this dark timeand be so grateful you are still there for her. I think she is very confused! Just find ways to support her natural desire to have a meaningful relationship with her bio-mom. And you can be honest with her (in a calm manner) about how all of this has been making you feel.
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Old 10-19-2006, 03:52 PM
 
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Originally Posted by 2crazykids View Post
Sounds to me like a cry for help. She's embarrassed and feels bad for what she did to you. She's mad at herself so she's taking it out on you. KWIM? Teenagers get all their emotions backwards and upside down sometime.

I don't think you should have hung up on her like that or yelled at her. I know it's hard but you should apolgize to her and explain to her why our reacted that emtionally. She may not understand at first, it may take a while but she'sll figure it out someday.

why else would she call your phone? She's trying to connect with you but she doesn't have the emtional stability to or the skills to mend the rift or make that connection- it has to be up to you.
I agree. I understand your feelings, but being the adult you need to be the bigger person and talk to her. Explain that you are sorry you acted that way. Your feelings were hurt when she called your by your name and would like her to call you mom as has always done. Let her know you were wrong and you are sorry. Then open it up for communication. You called to talk to your dad, is there anything wrong. Is there anything I can help you with?

12 isn't an easy age. Girls often start calling parents by 1st names then (maybe her friends are, maybe she calls her bio mom by her 1st name?)

This isn't easy. You have been on emotional roller costar.

I think the daughter has to come home at least for a while to work out her emotions. Can an arrangement for a visits home be made? This is a place to start. When she does come home you might want to enlist 3rd party impartial help such as a family counselor to help guide you and keep communication focused. Even if DD doesn't come home can help you work out some of these issues. Because of the possible diagnosis of DD I think this could be very helpful. Learning how to deal with childhood bi-polar could be very benefitical to your whole family. I think a family meeting about the subject would be a good plan too. (maybe parents alone, then one with the child.)


Best of luck.
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Old 10-19-2006, 06:20 PM
 
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Oh my gosh! I think that's the first time someone agreed with me on MDC! Yikes!

How are things going? Update?
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Old 10-19-2006, 08:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh gosh, I had posted a reply yesterday but for some reason it didn't go through.

I'm going to take everyones advice and talk to her. I'm going to let her know how this all has hurted me. I just don't know how to do it. I'm an emotional reck right now. Just typing this reply, I'm in tears. How do I talk to her without the tears?? I don't want to guilt her into coming back home. I want her to come home because she wants to.

I'm even at the point to where I don't care if she never apologizes to me. As long as she says "Mom, I want to come home." That'll be enough apology for me.

I really do want to talk to her because I've always told her that the only way to let a person know how you feel is by talking. If someone has hurt you, you have to tell them how their actions has hurt you or it'll probably just continue.

I don't want it to continue (the hurt, the pain) I want it to stop and I want to move on.

I'm so tired of crying all the time. The only times I cry is when dh is at work. That way by the time he gets off, I would fine. If dh knew I cry as much as I do, he would drive right down there and bring her home. But that's not what I want. If she wants to come home, I want her to do it on her own. Her biomom has always guilted her into doing things, and I don't want to be like that.

I THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH FOR GIVING ME A PLACE TO COME TO TALK, TYPE, VENT, AND CRY. I KNOW I DON'T KNOW ANY OF YOU, BUT I LOVE YOU ALL FOR ALL OF YOU ADVICE YOU'VE GIVEN TO ME. BELIEVE ME, I'M GOING TO COME THROUGH THIS. I WILL, I HAVE TO FOR MY OWN SANITY.
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Old 10-19-2006, 10:00 PM
 
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I suggested that YOU apologize to HER for yelling at her and hanging up the phone on her. And I think you should do so ASAP!

You want to build up trust with her and while she's taking baby steps to even call you (albeit she's not calling you "mommy" anymore) you are thrashing back at her with all your rage and hurt. She has no IDEA why you (supposedly loving her unconditionally) are raging at her. Don't you know it's her job to rage at you only? She's the teenager remember? Remember the world revolves around them...right?

I am sorry if I sound harsh but I think you are making a lot of assumptions about her when youi know very little of what is actually happening to her at her bio-moms house. Clearly, she's hurting, her mother is probably making her feel like shit. Someone has to cut her a break and deal with all her emotional emoting and that person is YOU! B/c of the whole unconditional love thing remember? Not the other way around. Telling her how YOU feel is not going to make things better. Eventually maybe, but not now.. She cannot process it and if she's indeed "bi-polar" then she really is just hanging on by a thread. CUT HER SOME SLACK! You will be her HERO if you can be the one who will stick with her through thick and thin!

Good Luck, be strong.
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Old 11-23-2006, 01:29 AM
 
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Can I suggest that she's pushing your boundaries to see how much you love her. Yes, there is the part that she gets to run the show but she also is old enough to know that it isn't good for her.

She's twelve, and she's pushing you to see how far she can. She knows the family dynamic and she's using it expertly.

Do you love me enough to assure I do the right thing even when I don't want to?

Go get her. Ignore the whining fits. A twelve year old is not fit to decide if they should be supervised, eat well, exercise, and go to school.

Get some outside help from a counsellor of some sort to help you assess if this is just a twelve year old or if she's got health issues you need to deal with.

Being twelve, she's doing this to you because she DOES love you as her Mom. Who else do kids do such terrible things to just to discover themselves??!?
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Old 12-27-2006, 03:51 PM
 
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Istillloveher, do you have an update? How is it going?
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Old 12-28-2006, 04:04 PM
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Call her.

Tell her that you love her, you miss her, and that YOU'RE SORRY that you screamed at her and hung up on her. Tell her that you're upset, and that sometimes even grown ups act in an inappropriate manner. Tell her WHY you're upset (you don't call me mommy any more, but I miss you so much there's a hole in my heart- I couldn't love you any more if I had given birth to you) but tell her in such a way that you're not guilting her. You're just telling her that her actions have a consequence that she may not have foreseen.

Ask her if you can come and visit her, and take her to lunch. And then do it. Send her flowers, a small token of your love for her. Send her something that you see in a store that "gosh, just reminded me so much of you that I had to send it." Let her know that you love her unconditionally, but that you're struggling with this. That her happiness and well being are so so so important to you.

Keep the lines open. She's 12, conflicted, confused, and is feeling a whole lot of emotions right now that she probably can't deal with. You won't help her deal with them by hanging up on her. But by being there for her, in whatever capacity she needs you to, is being the parent that you are.
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