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#1 of 39 Old 08-21-2006, 11:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hello everyone!! I'm new here. I don't have a question or anything. I just wanted to get my feelings out.

A little background on me. My dh and i met when I was 13 and he was 17. We were together for 2 years when my family and I moved away. We would see each other off and on because we had the same mutual friends.

We were together off and on for a while because he lived in one Borough and I lived in another(NYC)and i didn't really care for the long distance relationship thing.

Fast forward to 1994 when we got back together. He had a child from a previous relationship and I had 2 kids from a previous relationship. At the time his child was 9 months old. My kids were 2 and 1.

From the day we got back together I've been helping him with his daughter as well as he helping me with my kids.

We got married and we were raising our children together as siblings. No step this or step that. Just brothers and sisters.

I'm not going to bad mouth her mom but let's just say all she did was give birth to her. My dh and his family help him take care of the child until I came along.

You guys, I really loved this child so much. I did everything for her that a mother is supposed to do for her child. She was treated no different in my house. When my kids got, so did she. This child was my gift from heaven as far as I was concerned. She and I had the perfect relationship for a very long time.

When this child would go with her mom on the weekend and she would get sick. The child would cry to come home to me so I can take care of her. I would kick her father out of the bed just so she can sleep me. There has been so many nights where I would just sit and watch this child sleep. I love her so much.

Ok here's the problem, She left to go visit with her mom for the summer. She was due back this month on the 24 for school at the end of the month.

I call to check on her and her mom tells me that the child don't want to come back. She claims that the child told her that she had too much to do around the house and she wasn't happy.

I could not believe my ears. Now before she told me this her mother was already complaining about how the child was lazy and she didn't want to do any chores. So that's why I was shocked. I told her mother the same way she's acting with you, is how she acts here with us. Her mother gets all dramatic and just totally pissing me off.

This is a women who did nothing for this child except give birth to her. When I got her she was so behind her her shots to the point where I had to make 2 trips just to get all her shots in. I remember this woman calling me @ 1am asking how do I know when the child is having an asthma attack. She knew nothing about this child.

The only reason why she wants this child with her is because the child might be bipolar and the child will be able to get SSI for her. I know this because when i spoke to her I asked her how the child was doing and she was telling me that the child was acting out. Then she goes on to say "You know she can get SSI"? I know the child can get it. But that was not her father's and mine priority. We just wanted to get her help. This wasn't about money for us. We just wanted to know why she was acting out.

I haven't spoken to child in weeks. I'm so upset and sad all at the same time.

There is more to the story, but my fingers are hurting me right now. Please feel free to ask any questions. I will be happy to answer them. I just needed a place to vent and this place seems like the right place to do it.
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#2 of 39 Old 08-21-2006, 11:56 PM
 
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that totally sucks.

how does her dad feel?

what is the official custody arrangement?

the girl is 11 or 12? is that right? Does her mom have the right to make this descision?

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#3 of 39 Old 08-22-2006, 12:10 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by lilyka


that totally sucks.

how does her dad feel?

what is the official custody arrangement?

the girl is 11 or 12? is that right? Does her mom have the right to make this descision?
Her dads hates that she's there just like I do.
They have joing custody, but dh has physical custody.She's to only have her only on the weekends, but we've been nice enough to let her have her for the summer.
Yes she's 12. No her mom don't have the right to make that choice. But if she's saying she's not happy here, what are we to do?? Don't get me wrong, we were about to take this back to court, but dh said that she(the daughter)need to know that the grass is not always greener on the other side. The child wants to be where she can run things, don't have to be held responsible for her actions and just all around do whatever it is she wants to do. She feels that we're to firm when it comes to her education. She feels that we should except any grades she brings home as long as she passes.

At her mom house, we know she's not going to do well in school. That's one of the reason we got her in the first place. The child was going to get held over in the 1st grade because her mother was to lazy to take her to school. Now she's with her mom we don't know what's going to happen, but we know it's not going to be good.
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#4 of 39 Old 08-22-2006, 04:23 AM
 
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Have you actually spoken to your (step) daughter? Or just her mother?

Is it possible the mother is lying?
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#5 of 39 Old 08-22-2006, 11:46 AM
 
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Please make sure you speak to your daughter and tell her exactly how much you love her, miss her and need her to come home. You have no idea what she's really feeling or what her other mother is telling her in the absence of real conversation. And I'd just plain go get her. Assume that naturally she'll come home with you - you're her parents and that's where she lives. It may be easier to show her in person how incredibly important it is to you that she come back home. When you don't show up, the other mother can tell your daughter whatever she likes and not be contradicted. But the last thing I'd do is just let her go. To me, it sends a strong message to a child that you don't care enough to fight over it.
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#6 of 39 Old 08-22-2006, 12:40 PM
 
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in a situation like this, I would bring my child home for 6 months to a year and then let them decide. (although honestly I think 12 is a little young to make such a big descision) after they have been back in the "real world" for a bit and away from the other persons influance. if her mom is unfit her mom is unfit. it doesn't matter what either of them want. it is up to your husband to be the "bad guy" and protect his daughter.

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#7 of 39 Old 08-22-2006, 12:51 PM
 
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Talk to your daughter, her mother might told her that you and your dh dont wont her anymore and whatever else and telling you lies. So clarify everything but not before the girl mother she might get scared and go alone with her mother said.


Good luck....
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#8 of 39 Old 08-22-2006, 01:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JustJamie
Have you actually spoken to your (step) daughter? Or just her mother?

Is it possible the mother is lying?
I wish she was lying. I really do. But I did speak to the child and she told me she wants to stay.
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#9 of 39 Old 08-22-2006, 01:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by WinterBaby
Please make sure you speak to your daughter and tell her exactly how much you love her, miss her and need her to come home. You have no idea what she's really feeling or what her other mother is telling her in the absence of real conversation. And I'd just plain go get her. Assume that naturally she'll come home with you - you're her parents and that's where she lives. It may be easier to show her in person how incredibly important it is to you that she come back home. When you don't show up, the other mother can tell your daughter whatever she likes and not be contradicted. But the last thing I'd do is just let her go. To me, it sends a strong message to a child that you don't care enough to fight over it.
You're right!! I do need to speak to her. I do need to tell her how much I love her and miss her. It's so hard to do because these are the things her mom has been doing to her for years. Throwing guilt trips on her. Telling her things like "Oh you don't love me that's why you don't want to be with me"?

I know her mother can and do tell her things. That's how she got her to stay with her. Dh and I are tired of the "tug of war". We want her home, but we are not the parents that she wants. Not saying that she don't love us because she do. She knows she has our love. But the love she's looking for is the love of her mother. So she feels that the only way to get that love is to just be there with her mother.

I don't want to speak to her right now because her mother listens in on her phone calls. So what I'll do is send her weekly cards telling her how much I love her and miss her.
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#10 of 39 Old 08-22-2006, 01:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyka
in a situation like this, I would bring my child home for 6 months to a year and then let them decide. (although honestly I think 12 is a little young to make such a big descision) after they have been back in the "real world" for a bit and away from the other persons influance. if her mom is unfit her mom is unfit. it doesn't matter what either of them want. it is up to your husband to be the "bad guy" and protect his daughter.
You're so right!!
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#11 of 39 Old 08-22-2006, 03:25 PM
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I see in my husband just how painful this experience must be for you and your dh. We were married when the kids were teenagers so the bond for me was not as strong, but the pain i see my husband go thru and the dissapointment I feel when the oldest left to his moms is hard. My dh goes thru a similiar situation - mom has been in and out of their lives since the first of three boys was born - rehab after rehab, selfishness after selfishness my dh has had full custody their whole life. When the middle son was 11 or 12 yrs old (me and my dh were dating at the time), he wanted to live with the mom - he as well wanted his mom to love him and i think felt just being around her would help that. well my husband decided to allow it even if he felt the boy might get hurt - so that he could know first hand and not just thru us that his home was with his dad. Sure enough a few months later he was back at home - more the wiser, still loves his mom, but he is almost 15 now and has never been back with his mom nor will he. He understands more deeply the sacrifices we make for him since this experience. Once we were married about 18mths ago - well 6 mths into it - the oldest- 16 yrs old, decided he wanted to live with his mom. When me and my husband got married there was a blend of families which i am sure was hard on the teen, but my husband refuses to validate anything this boy tries to throw at him. As well as letting him know about loyalty, he basically left his family for an easier time, hurt a lot of people, he does tell the teen that he loves him deeply, there is always a room available when he chooses to come up, but my dh does not validate or baby him thru this. The mom as well throws guilt trips on the kids, even goes so far as to confuse them that are marriage is not biblical, etc.. The 16 yr old is old enough to make his bed and lay in it. It has been a year now that he has been gone. we still pray everyday that he will be ok thru this and it wont turn him into a selfish person. His mom loves to let him rule the roost - no authority, can do what he wants, no responsibility. I hope when he is older and gets married and times are hard he is man enough to be a man.
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#12 of 39 Old 08-22-2006, 09:36 PM
 
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I just wanted to add that I will pray for your situation. I hope that your dsd will see that just because it may be "easier" there that is not necessarily good for her. Good luck.
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#13 of 39 Old 08-22-2006, 11:33 PM
 
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I am so sorry. I wish I knew you so I could just hug you!! This post really hit home for me. I have had my stepdaughter Maddie since she was 9 months old and her brother since he was 3. She is my princess, my little girl and I don't know what I would do. I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. This has always been a fear of mine. I was fortunate enough that my husband's ex signed over her rights and I was able to adopt both kids over 2 years ago now. She has just recently contacted us and decided she now wants to be a part of their lives. I still fear them wanting to live with her because of the seemingly "fun" lifestyle of sex, drugs and rock and roll she lives.

Kids are so impressionable and who knows what the biomom has said to your DD. This is why I will not allow my son to be alone with his biomom, because I know she will tell him things that are just awful about DH and I, she's done it before. I have more pull though, because I am the legal mother. You need to fight this, HARD. Show her how much she means to her and that YOU ARE HER MOTHER. Let her know that no matter what, she always has a place in your home, even if she decides to go with the biomom in the end.

I am weeping for you this evening and I hope you get your girl back soon

Sara
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#14 of 39 Old 08-22-2006, 11:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I would like to think everyone for kind words. I really need them right now. Dh spoke to the child today, and he asked her did her mom buy her the school supplies, and new clothes she was telling us she was getting for the child. DSD said no!! Her mom haven't bought her any school clothes or supplies.

This woman is such a deadbeat!! I love this child everyone!! This child has been my baby since she came into my life at 9 months old!! I just hope after a few months she'll see that being with her mom was the wrong choice for her. It just hurts my soul how this woman have this child begging her for her love. I'll keep you guys posted on the situation. Again THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR KIND WORDS AND PRAYERS
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#15 of 39 Old 08-22-2006, 11:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by workingon4
I am so sorry. I wish I knew you so I could just hug you!! This post really hit home for me. I have had my stepdaughter Maddie since she was 9 months old and her brother since he was 3. She is my princess, my little girl and I don't know what I would do. I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. This has always been a fear of mine. I was fortunate enough that my husband's ex signed over her rights and I was able to adopt both kids over 2 years ago now. She has just recently contacted us and decided she now wants to be a part of their lives. I still fear them wanting to live with her because of the seemingly "fun" lifestyle of sex, drugs and rock and roll she lives.

Kids are so impressionable and who knows what the biomom has said to your DD. This is why I will not allow my son to be alone with his biomom, because I know she will tell him things that are just awful about DH and I, she's done it before. I have more pull though, because I am the legal mother. You need to fight this, HARD. Show her how much she means to her and that YOU ARE HER MOTHER. Let her know that no matter what, she always has a place in your home, even if she decides to go with the biomom in the end.

I am weeping for you this evening and I hope you get your girl back soon

Sara
Your post has really hit me. I'm in so much pain right now. As much as I try to hide it, I just can't!! I miss her sooooo much. I've always been scared that she would leave me. But I always felt that if I gave her what her mom wasn't giving her(love, affection, attention etc)she would never leave me. I know for a fact her bio mom is telling her things. I believe that with everything I am. This woman has done that before.

There was talk between dh and I about me adopting the child. But nothing came of it because I felt that the only reason she wanted me to adopt her was because she was really furious with her mom. Their relationship is so toxic!! I want her back but she has to want to come back on her own. I'm really hoping after the end of this year she'll really see that she was better off with us.

Thank you for your kind words!!
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#16 of 39 Old 08-23-2006, 12:19 AM
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you may agree or disagree with this, but i would not make her stay at her moms any more comfortable. What I mean is buying things, clothes, etc...My dh mom feels so sad that the oldest is gone that she overdoes her act a little. For his birthday she got him an ipod and what was weird is the 2 boys that we have here at home got a shirt and a ball? Anyway i know everyone will agree that she needs to be reminded how much she is loved and missed, but i wouldnt buy her things.
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#17 of 39 Old 08-23-2006, 01:58 AM
 
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My sister, well step but she's my sister regardless, went through a simular situation. Her father wanted nothing to do with her. Absolutely nothing for years. My father is the one that has always been there for her. Yet when her bio father showed an interest she clung to it for dear life. He'd always denied her in every way and the one time he showed interest it meant the world to her. Luckily it didn't take her long to realize what a worthless sob he was and she cut him off completely. It was a tense time for the entire family but she soon came to realize that there's a difference between a father and a dad. Her father may have helped create her but her dad was the one she wanted when she was recovering from surgery and her dad is the one that will be there to walk her down the aisle.

I know it hurts and it will take time but she'll come to realize where she truely belongs. Maybe school starting will be just what she needs. She's used to you guys buying everything she needs and if her mother doesn't it might open her eyes a bit.
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#18 of 39 Old 08-23-2006, 02:01 AM
 
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I would have to agree with 777. When I first met DH, the ex thought she wanted 50/50 joint custody. DH thought that meant he supplied her with all the formula (yuck) and he thought he had to pack them clothes for 2 weeks every time they went over there. I put a stop to it. I told him no she wants them 50% of the time, she needs to have a wardrobe for them, she needs to buy formula to keep there...just like we have to do for the other 50% of the time. He stopped, without warning. We dropped them off with nothing but the clothes they had on for a 2 week stay. SHE FREAKED. Started screaming and yelling and asking how she was supposed to do it without everything he was "supposed" to give her. He told her "exactly like we do it, go get a job and BUY it". Well 2 weeks turned into 5 days and then she didn't want joint custody any more when she realized I was the one her ex had to decide things with, not her and I wasn't going to make it easy. Every other weekend then QUICKLY turned into never again...a month after we got married we never saw her again. We made it hard and she cracked when she realized how hard being a parent really was when you are left to your own defenses. I don't know if you can do this (emotionally of course not physically) but think of it as not punishing your DD, but showing her biomom what being a mother really is...and how much effort it really does take.

I am still thinking of you this evening. I am sorry, my heart hurts for you and my eyes well up every time I open this thread. I will be praying for your family and for your little girl!!!
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#19 of 39 Old 08-23-2006, 02:31 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Workingon4,777, and Angela
You guys are so right!! I had wanted to put this in my first post but I was afraid about how you guys might take it. I didn't want you guys to take it the wrong way. But dh and I decided that we wasn't going to contibute anything for dd. It's not a punishment for dd, but if her mom after all these years want to "take care of her" then she'll have to do it without our help. Since she was 9 months I helped dh take care of dd in every way a parent is supposed to take care of a child. Bio mom didn't give us anything but a few dollars every few years because as she puts it"I'm struggling so I can't help out the way I should". Now bio mom has no other choice.

After dh told bio mom that we wasn't going to contibute anything for dd because we took care of her without her help for all this time, bio mom tells him she understands and she won't ask for anything. I know she won't ask for anything because before long my baby will be back home where she supposed to be.

Dh told me today he had spoken to dd, and she told him that she misses me. He told her to call me but she's afraid to because she thinks I hate her. I told dh that every week I'll send her a card or a special poem letting her know no matter what she'll always be my baby, and I'll always love her.

Thank all of you guys for your support and advice!!
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#20 of 39 Old 08-23-2006, 03:01 PM
 
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I think the card or note idea is a good one but be warned, she may or may not get them. Bio could withhold them from her as further proof that you don't care. Why can't you make arrangements to go visit her for the day? Take her out away from bio and have a heart to heart with her.
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#21 of 39 Old 08-23-2006, 08:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I think the card or note idea is a good one but be warned, she may or may not get them. Bio could withhold them from her as further proof that you don't care. Why can't you make arrangements to go visit her for the day? Take her out away from bio and have a heart to heart with her.
You're right!! I have thought about bio mom doing something like that, so what I did was make arrangements with dh's niece who lives around the corner from the bio mom to take any mail I send to her over to the child herself.

The niece told me she would do that, and sit right there while dd reads them so that way I know dd got the mail.

The reason why I can't go see her is because we live in PA and they live in NY. So I can't visit for a day. I also have 5 other children at home with the youngest ones being 3 year old twins.
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#22 of 39 Old 08-23-2006, 09:48 PM
 
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What I'm about to say may not make me very popular, but I feel it important enough to take the risk.

Your daughter needs you. Please find some way to get to NY and visit your girl for the day. Your 3 yo's will cope in the care of another loved-one for the day, but your daughter may never recover if left to her other-mother's devices for too long.

If you know that her other-mother listens in on your phone conversations, you better believe that your daughter knows it too, and whatever she's saying to you is likely just to pacify this other woman after the guilt trip she's been giving your dd. In other words, don't believe anything that's been said to you in these phone conversations.

In my opinion, the fact that your daughter is afraid to call you suggests that she's also being lied to and you need to step in as soon as possible.

While you sound like you've done everything in your power to be a mother to her, the loss of her first mother may very well follow her for the rest of her life. Children can sometimes blame themselves and may suffer with many insecurities as a result. This may make it that much more difficult for her to stand up to her other-mother, or even to be honest with herself.

I hope you will find some way to see her in person. I really believe that she needs to see you and you need to really see her to know what is going on. best of luck.
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#23 of 39 Old 08-24-2006, 02:28 AM
 
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Even if she does choose to stay with the mother you and DH are still allowed access and custodial rights, so it sounds like you need to get that sorted out if she is staying with her Bio-Mom so you and DH can see her, and get a chance to talk to her. You are the parents she has known and BM can't cut her off from that legally or morally. Sorry this has happened and I hope you can get to talk to her on her own soon. Can she go to your nieces house and you call her there when BM is not there? The listening in thing sucks, it truly does. What a sad situation for you all.

Who stole my signature!
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#24 of 39 Old 08-28-2006, 08:48 PM
 
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The more I hear, the more I think you need to just get in the car and go get her. Good luck
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#25 of 39 Old 08-31-2006, 01:53 AM
 
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I was this child when I was her age. Please make sure you reach out to her in a non-confrontational manner. I know you says she wants to stay with her bio-mom but really at her age she truly doesn't understand what she wants. If her mother is truly the way you describe your daughter will NOT get the care she needs. I can understand your DH's intentions for wanting her to understand the grass isn't always greener on the other side but if you let her just go she will definitely feel rejected by you both. If I were you I would take this to court as it needs to be handled as such. Your DH has every right to go and pick her up. It may take her a bit of time to "adjust" to being back home but in the long run she will understand that you loved her very much and only wanted what was best for her. s to you mama for having to feel this pain.

Nic, loving mama to 5 with a SURPRISE 6th on the way.

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#26 of 39 Old 09-11-2006, 07:36 PM
 
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Go get her. DH has custody so he needs to just make arrangements to visit with. She is unlikely to jump out of a moving car. So go get her.
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#27 of 39 Old 10-17-2006, 06:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hey guys it's been a while since I posted here. I've been really going through some things and just trying to get my life back together.

Here's a little update on what's been going on.

All of last month my sd has been calling her father crying all the time. I asked dh why is she crying so much if that's where she wants to be? He told me because she misses us.

I told dh it's more then that. I told dh the next time he talks to her, make sure her biomom was not around and just ask sd do she wants to come back home? So dh called and asked sd is she sure about staying with her biomom and she wasn't she is more than welcomed to come back home. Sd told dh she just want us to be happy for her. Happy with the choice that she made. I told dh well if she wants us to be happy then why in the hell she keeps calling here crying all the time? It's really hard to be happy for a person when they're always in tears.

Fastforward to last week. I'm sitting at my desk doing some work when my cellphones rings. At first I didn't reconize the number, but after the second ring I realized who it was. It was Sd calling. Mind you all I haven't spoken to Sd in a while so I decided to try to get over my hurt and anger, and just ask her how she doing and try to put things back together right?? WRONG!!

I answered my cell and guess what this kid said to me (real name) is daddy there? I could not believe that this kid called me by my name!! This child has never called me by my name. It's always been "mommy" Well not always because she did have a pet name for me so she called me by my pet name for the first few years but after that it was always mommy.

I was so hurt that she did that to me. It was like 12 years didn't matter to her anymore. It was like I was never in her life to begin with. I was so angry with her that I just screamed "No he's not here"!! and hung up on her. I was so hurt and angry I just cried and cried and cried. I called dh at work and told him what happened. He couldn't believe it either. Dh told me that when he speaks to her she always asked how's mommy doing? What's mommy doing? So for her to now call me by my name, he was shocked!!

Dh said, "Well maybe she didn't know if she should call you mommy"? I told him well if that was the case then she shouldn't had called my phone. If she's looking for you then why call my phone? You have a phone. I also told him before she said anything she could've just came out and asked me if it was okay to still call me mommy?

I don't know guys, I'm just so freak'in hurt right now. I told him that I was done with her. She twisted that knife so far into my back that it'll never come out.

Oh before I go, she stills calls asking can we by her things. Wtf!! You made you're choice now you have to live with it. We raised her for 12 years without her biomoms' help. Her biomom didn't care if we had food, shelter, or clothing for this kid when we had her. There's no way we're going to help her biomom do anything.

Thank you guys for all your kind words.
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#28 of 39 Old 10-17-2006, 08:00 PM
 
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Could the reason she called you by name was that her bio mom was close? Maybe she wanted to talk to you, but couldnt with bio mom, so she 'staged' a call to you really wanting to talk to you?

Sorry you are going through this
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#29 of 39 Old 10-17-2006, 08:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by smlwieber View Post
Could the reason she called you by name was that her bio mom was close? Maybe she wanted to talk to you, but couldnt with bio mom, so she 'staged' a call to you really wanting to talk to you?

Sorry you are going through this
I don't know. Her biomom knows that she calls me mommy so it's not like it's a secret or anything. But now that she back with her biomom, anything is possible. For all I know her biomom could've told her to stop calling me mommy. I don't know. I just know that I'm hurting like I've never hurted before in my life.
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#30 of 39 Old 10-18-2006, 10:33 AM
 
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Everything youve said has saddened me so much. My sd's bio mom has full custody, we just have visitation rights. This needs to be changed and has needed to be for years. When she was born, dh was in college full time and working 2 full time jobs so to get a schedule for the courts was near impossible...they worked it out on their own and everything was fine.

Now we get her every summer, weekends, Christmas/Spring/Winter/Thanksgiving break. Every summer, she cries her eyes out when she leaves because she wants to stay, but she cant. In MI, unless her mom agrees, she cant make the decision until shes 13. I know, though, that she would want to go back to her mom within a few weeks.

I was really hoping that would be the case with you...that she would want to go back HOME after the schedule from school and other activities was normal.

Im so sad that she wouldnt call you mommy. I really think her bio mom is influencing her tremendously. I dont know what you could do other than talk to your family lawyer, but this is such a critical time in your sd's life. This will affect her adult life.

Ill give you hugs and thoughts, okay? Take care.
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