Hmm...What to think about this.. - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 14 Old 09-01-2006, 01:00 AM - Thread Starter
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DH has been telling people that DD was concieved when he was on leave and went down to where I was living at the time, and was stripping for a living...

>.> I dont know what to think about that. On one hand I understand how he doesn't want DD to know as of yet she has a different Bio-dad...but on the other...I don't think he wants to admit to people he's really a total softy sweetheart that decided to be a daddy to a great little girl, formerly adopting her and everything...

I really dont know what to think of it...I really dont...
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#2 of 14 Old 09-01-2006, 10:55 AM
 
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I had to read your post a few times to understand the situation...**drinks coffee**..so forgive me if I'm confused.

But I'm curious as to which "people" your husband is telling this to and why. In my personal blended family experience, most people just accept what you tell them and don't require such convoluted explainations as your DH is offering. And the stripper element (whether true or not) is completely irrelevant. Those who start to ask about details are either being nosy or rude and can be put off with a repeated, "She is our daughter."

They might wonder if she is adopted, if her bio-dad is someone they know, or if you two knew each other way back when and had an affair. Who cares? The important thing is that you two acknowledge that she is your daughter and that's all that matters or needs to be discussed.

A simple "she is our daughter" is the truth, is easy to remember, and when/if it comes back to your daughter's ears on the playground won't cause a ruckus like your husband's version might.
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#3 of 14 Old 09-01-2006, 11:06 AM
 
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Dh was in a similar situation and it backfired when the dd ended up looking nothing like the rest of the family, to the point that she thought she was adopted and feeling like the rest of the family was hiding something. Bio-dad wasn't in the picture at all. It really hurt their relationship.

mom to 14yr dd and 4yr dd
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#4 of 14 Old 09-01-2006, 01:27 PM
 
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dh is saying he is your child's father, he met you on leave while you were a stripper and you slept with him? Or that you had an affair on him while he was deployed and you were a stripper?

Either way you are a stripper?

I think it is best to be honest with kids. One of my cousins was raised as if her mother's husband was her father. After her mother and father died she learned that my uncle was actually her father. It was a huge blow and of course her parents were no longer around to talk to about it.
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#5 of 14 Old 09-01-2006, 01:59 PM - Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by MommyMine
dh is saying he is your child's father, he met you on leave while you were a stripper and you slept with him? Or that you had an affair on him while he was deployed and you were a stripper?

Either way you are a stripper?

I think it is best to be honest with kids. One of my cousins was raised as if her mother's husband was her father. After her mother and father died she learned that my uncle was actually her father. It was a huge blow and of course her parents were no longer around to talk to about it.
Well I *used* to be a stripper acctually..

And he's saying that, we've known each other since we were kids (true) Had an off again on again relationship since grade 4 (true) and one time when he was on leave visiting his parents who lived about an hour away from where I used to live and work (true) He came down to visit me (NOT true) and we renewed the flame I ran away from at 19 (We did do the deed when we were both 19...I was fresh out of an abusive relationship though so I ran like stink) and I got pregnant with his kid (NOT true)

The truth:

I was dating a neo-nazi skinhead at the time. Not stripping, I was out of that by then, I was an alcoholic/drug addict self medicating due to PTSD from a rape and all that good stuff. So my anger and hate drew me to a Neo-nazi. Had sex in a drunken stupor, condom broke, pill failed. and voila got pregnant with DD. not very glamourous...Sobered up when I got that second line, but unfortunately had to live with teh Bio-idiot for survival (due to extreme poverty) till DD was 8 weeks old and given the go ahead to fly to live with my parents.

Luckily my sister was living in the area, because one night in a drunken rage the Bio-Idiot whipped a CD at my newborn DD's head. I caught it on the arm. Loaded her in the bucket, took the money out of the hiding place that my mother left for me when she was around during my babymoon "just in case" she said. Well it came to be just in case. Called a cab and my sister from the pay phone while loaded up with a cat carrier, a suitcase, and a baby bucket + Base and left. Mom flew me, DD and my cat out within the week.
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#6 of 14 Old 09-01-2006, 02:10 PM
 
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WOW.

to you mama.

I agree with what the other pps have said... right now DH need not and should not give a long winded explanation and your past as a stripper is irrelevant. All that needs to be said is "she is ours" and it's true... if she is his in his heart (i'm such a softy!).

However, when she is older, she will need to know the truth. Because of this, it is important not to give a big complicated lie/backstory, because then, when she's older, everything she has known as the truth is suddenly a lie. That said, I have no good advice on how to bring the truth up, or when. Only that the simpler the explanation is now, the less explaining and backtracking will have to be done later. The more complicated the lie is now, the more you will have violated her trust when the truth comes out. :
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#7 of 14 Old 09-01-2006, 02:40 PM - Thread Starter
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Yeah it wont go over well

"No your daddy isn't the one who helped make you. The guy who helped make you is a heroin addict living on Grandville st Vancouver."

Heck I dont even know if the bio-idiot is still living to be honest. Last I heard of him he was living out of the Covenant house on Grandville in Vancouver and is a regular visitor to the safe injection sites ifun ya know what I mean.

So he could be dead, in prison, or has completely forgotten about her in a drug induced stupor for all I know (or care)

Heck by the time DD starts asking questions, he very well might be dead by then. Survival rate for heroin addicts who dont recover is a very very low number indeed
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#8 of 14 Old 09-01-2006, 03:37 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pandora114
Yeah it wont go over well

"No your daddy isn't the one who helped make you. The guy who helped make you is a heroin addict living on Grandville st Vancouver."

Heck I dont even know if the bio-idiot is still living to be honest. Last I heard of him he was living out of the Covenant house on Grandville in Vancouver and is a regular visitor to the safe injection sites ifun ya know what I mean.

So he could be dead, in prison, or has completely forgotten about her in a drug induced stupor for all I know (or care)

Heck by the time DD starts asking questions, he very well might be dead by then. Survival rate for heroin addicts who dont recover is a very very low number indeed
wow.
more for you.
that is going to be a very hard thing to explain someday. But you and your DH owe her the truth. While she certainly wouldn't understand it now, he shouldn't compound the problem by weaving a history that will prove a lie later on. No matter how pure his intentions are, when the truth comes out, (and it will, especially since other family members already know) your DD will feel like she can't trust him (and you too, if you do nothing to dispell the myth until the truth comes out). You and DH need to be united on this one.
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#9 of 14 Old 09-01-2006, 04:11 PM
 
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Pandora...I'd talk to your dh. For now, I think it's enough that she knows your dh adopted her, and that he loves her like his own. I'd really have a problem with him spinning stories like the one in your OP.

DS1's dad is also - probably - living on the streets of Vancouver. He may be working under the table (having racked up about $80,000 in debt by taking cash advances on a credit card) somewhere. I don't know. We were married, and I kicked him out when ds1 was seven. So, I obviously didn't have the option of pretending dh was ds1's dad!! I've been totally honest with ds1 all along about his dad's drug use, and some of my bad decisions in that regard, and I'm glad I was. DS1 knows that his dad leaving had nothing to do with him, that his dad's absence is his dad's issue, not some kind of failing in ds1, etc.

Okay - got on a tangent. I just wanted to say that there are some similarities in ds1's situation and your dd's situation, and I have definitely found that being totally upfront (while NOT bad-mouthing his dad...not sure if that's as relevant in your case, as your dd won't have much memory of the guy - I'd still try to avoid it as kids can really internalize the genetic side of it) with ds1 has been the best thing for everyone concerned.

DS1 calls dh "James", not "dad", but he's his dad in every other way. He calls us his parents, and has a totally loving, mutually respectful relationship with dh.

Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) ribboncesarean.gif, Emma (5/03) ribboncesarean.gif, Evan (7/05) ribboncesarean.gif, & Jenna (6/09) ribboncesarean.gif
Loving my amazing dh, James & forever missing ribbonpb.gif Aaron Ambrose ribboncesarean.gif (11/07) ribbonpb.gif

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#10 of 14 Old 09-01-2006, 09:20 PM
 
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WOW - I thought I was the only one in this situation. I met DP when ds2 was 10 months' old. DP's the only dad he's ever known and will remain that way for as long as I can see (we've discussed this with bio-D, who's not in our lives anymore). We've decided to be honest with him when it comes up, but focus on the fact that while DP didn't help *make* him, he's still his dad in all the ways that really count. Any time you can avoid deep-dark family secrets, it's best to be honest.
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#11 of 14 Old 09-01-2006, 10:00 PM
 
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Our situation is somewhat similar. My DS was concieved when I was a stripper. I met my husband when DS was 4 months old, married him when DS was a year old. Bio dad didn't meet DS till he was 11 months old. Obviously DS is too young to have asked about these things, but I know it will come up considering the age difference between myself and bio dad and the fact that bio dad is still in the business. We never tell anyone the "details". Our good friends and family know, but otherwise, others are oblivious and neither of us want to get into a long, complicated and somewhat taboo story.
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#12 of 14 Old 09-02-2006, 02:28 PM
 
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okay.. pardon my ignorance here.. but if your partner is fabricating a story.. why not make is a happier one?.. Your actual story is sad.. but the one your dh is sharing isn't all that happy either- sure there is a romantic element in there- but I am a bit unsure of what his intentions are? If he wanted to create the illusion he had made your dd than why does you being a stripper work in there? Do you mind him telling people that? Some people would some wouldn't.

does he want yer dd to think this is true.. or other people?
I tend to think truth about our roots is very important in our lives. Not all stories are very happy about the conception of our children- but one day your dd might find out or need to know your dh is not her bio-dad and than she may be very hurt that she was lied to? It is a hard one though who knows what would be worse for her- although a lot of kids grow up knowing they wer *chosen* by thier father's with great love and devotion.

At the same time.. Does anyone even need a story? your together.. he is there i see no need to explain yourselves to anyone kwim?

A lot of aspect's of your story are true in my life as well..and while i have things in my life i might not be proud of- It is all part of a process for me.
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#13 of 14 Old 09-06-2006, 11:01 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hawkfeather
okay.. pardon my ignorance here.. but if your partner is fabricating a story.. why not make is a happier one?.. Your actual story is sad.. but the one your dh is sharing isn't all that happy either- sure there is a romantic element in there- but I am a bit unsure of what his intentions are? If he wanted to create the illusion he had made your dd than why does you being a stripper work in there? Do you mind him telling people that? Some people would some wouldn't.
Being a former stripper myself, I have found that guys I date LOVE to give out that bit of info (I even had a former boss give that info--in the mortgage industry: : ) Why? I am just taking a guess here but, so many guys WANT to date/take home/etc strippers...and most of them do not have that opportunity. When they do *land* a dancing girl, they kind of 'one-up' their friends w/ that info, kwim? Even my guy, God Bless Him, has the 'I'm in love with a stripper' song as my ring on his cell phone...sorry to be OT...

As far as your situation, ita w/ pp that there should be NO long drawn out explanations for where dd came from at this time...and when the time comes, you decide as a couple what/how much info to give....there are some things kids don't need to know...I'm not saying lie to dd...just don't give every gory detail until she is an adult...and try not to bad mouth the biodad too much (it will backfire on you)...if you show empathy for biodads sad situation/lifestyle dd may be more inclined to accept your parenting choices....Maybe ask your partner to give a little less when he tells people about your family...take care, c

ps...feel free to pm me about any of this...we have more than a couple things in common...

True Love is here....to stay!
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#14 of 14 Old 09-09-2006, 02:15 PM
 
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My dad met my mom when my sister was 2 or so. Her biodad was never in the picture (some looser hippie transient). My Dad was always my sister's dad (she is closer to my dad now than either me or my brother - both his biokids).

We and she always knew that she was 2 when our mom and dad met and married. They never had "the conversation" because it was just a known and easy fact and not secret or shameful or serious fact.

At 20 she talked briefly of tracking down her biodad, but she never did because it wasn't important enough to her to go through the trouble/money. We have no ideas where he is or if he is alive. He knew my mom was pregnant when he hitchhiked out of town, but my mom didn't think it any kind of problem that he left; she didn't expect him to stay or be involved. I wonder if this is why the story was no big deal in my house - my mom wasn't hurt or angry or anything about my sister's biodad. She felt nothing towards him and her brief time with him.

I don't think there is anything "bad" about your story. Sounds kinda run-of-the-mill to me. So I don't understand why it wouldn't go over well? I wonder if you still have unresolved feelings (anger, frustration with yourself) about her biodad that is making her parentage a bigger deal in your head than it is?
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