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#1 of 14 Old 09-15-2006, 01:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I've married a man that doesn't want to face the music, he'd rather leave his children alone and not fight for them and just send the money than fight for his right to see and parent them. Maybe he really is just a weak little boy and not the loving father I thought I'd married
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#2 of 14 Old 09-15-2006, 02:05 PM
 
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I don't know what's happened, but you're in my thoughts tonight. Take care of yourself, mama.

Helen mum to five and mistress of mess and mayhem, making merry and mischief til the sun goes down.
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#3 of 14 Old 09-15-2006, 02:10 PM
 
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hugs,

I had that happen with my children's father. I swore I would never have children with a man that could leave them, I promised myself that my family would be a forever one. Only to find out that my friend of 20 years was a lying cheap sob. He has not only left his children, but is not willing to pay what the state says he owes.

Not all men are like this, I have the honor to now be married to a man that not only puts his child's needs above his own, but the two children he chose to father needs as well.

He also could just be feeling overwhelmed, stressed and weary of the fight. I know I was/am. I have thought to myself so many times that MY life would be easier and better if I just sent the children to their father to raise. Then my husband steps in, calmly and rationally reminds me that the children are better off here.


So hugs Ms Megan, you are not alone in this strange life of a blended family.
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#4 of 14 Old 09-15-2006, 02:40 PM
 
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I am sorry for what you are feeling. I think that BoobyBunny is right that it could just be the feeling overwhelmed. Both my husband and I have been to the point of feeling that way as well. It is amazing how difficult an ex can make a situation - to the point of making you want to just give up and walk.

Blended families can be so challenging and yet so rewarding. We have worked at this for 8 years and are finally reaching a level place (both with the kids and for the most part with the ex's...though with three teenage girls one never knows what tomorrow may bring: .).... here is a hug and please, I also agree with boobybunny in that it is important to know that you are not alone in the feelings and stresses related to be a blended family.
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#5 of 14 Old 09-15-2006, 03:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I've wanted my dh to fight for his children he has three from two previous relationships (thank god they weren't marriages). He has decided it's too much trouble.
He wont fight anymore. We just started in May haven't even been to the first actually hearing in front of the judge but he's decided that appts, mediation, classes and reporting various parts of his life along with drug tests are all too stressful and invasive and that he doesn't want to do it anymore.

I think he's weak and selfish.
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#6 of 14 Old 09-15-2006, 03:50 PM
 
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I can understand that. I have like that too. But I know DD1 is better off with me. After all what kind of parent tells their child that the only way that they will get braces or the other benefits that his other children(one of which is a stepchild) Is if she moves in with him and DSM(Who quit frequently tells her how bad of a mom I am) Not to mention they actually tried to convince her that "Your mom doesn't have the money to take care of you", and how would they know. Or "Your mother needs to quit buying you such cheap shampoos" Oh yes and my favorite. SM told DD" We pay your mother childsupport so it's her responsibility(DD asked if they would take her to get her hair cut because they were already going). And when DD's DF is confronted with it his response was "You know how DD exagerates things, SM would never say that." Ok so you think DD's a liar? I mean if you want your child to have certain things or oppertunities you should offer it to them no matter where they live.
Sorry just a little annoyed.

Talk to him and find out what he is feeling.
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#7 of 14 Old 09-15-2006, 04:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I would be the step mom. He thinks the children will turn against their mother and believe it's Her fault that he couldn't see them and see that she has lied to them and since it's just a matter of time 6+yrs it's not worth fighting over. I think his children will grow up and feel like they weren't worth the effort even though we are in a position to offer them many more opportunities than there mother is. (We are open to offering them without custody however we aren't even allowed to speak to the children right now)
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#8 of 14 Old 09-15-2006, 04:28 PM
 
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My husband is about to have to go to Montana from Arkansas to go to a hearing concerning visitation for his child. The mother lives in Montana with the child. She has cut off all contact with my husband. She only allows my husband to call his son at her mother's house and even then she has him on speaker phone. Their child is only 5 years old. Sometimes he doesn't feel like talking on the phone. My husband has told them not to scold the child or force the child to talk to him but he hears them in the background scolding him for not talking. My husband just tells his child that it's okay and he doesn't have to talk if he doesn't want to. His ex moved to Montana with the child 3 years ago. She has refused visitation and refuses to agree to a parenting plan because my husband wants her to pay half of the cost for an airline ticket since she was the one who moved away. She also doesn't want my husband to have the ability to take his child out of the state of Montana. How is he supposed to have his 6 weeks of visitation int he summer if he can't bring his child back here? He can't take that much time off work. No one could. My husband paid child support before an order was issued and continues to. His ex never worked while they were married and is currently unemployed and cohabitating with the child present. I've tried to talk to the ex and let her know me since I'll be a part of her child's life but she refuses to speak to me. I'm at my wits end. We only want what is best for the child which according to the judge is a loving and meaningful relationship with both parents. My husband's ex just won't let this happen. I have no idea what to do and am nervous about going to court. Have any of you been faced with this?
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#9 of 14 Old 09-15-2006, 05:13 PM
 
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I just wish that parents were able to put aside the past and do what is best for the children. I would have no problem with sharing custody 50/50 but I have to draw the line when important thing are seriously overlooked. Like education, encouragement, living in a stable environment and consistency. You just don't call your children degrading names or keep them home from school as a babysitter when a younger sibling is sick. You don't tell your kid it's their problem if their teeth rot out because they don't brush them, you make them brush them. That they do their homework, bathe, etc..... And I am sorry but every book and article I have read tells you that you don't just sit back and let your children come to you for things. You ask questions, make inquiries and when they hit preteen-teen years you butt into there lives so they always know you are there. That's how they know that we love them. My DD1 knows that I will love her no matter what. That my love has
NO conditions. I may not always approve of what she does but I will always be there for her with open arms and no "I told you so"s. That is how it should be with all parents including anyone who has a significant influence on a child's life. My problem has been going on for 14 years.
It is a shame that you are not able to take a more active role in you Sc's life. You obviously care about them, and want to be there for them. I really hope things work out.
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#10 of 14 Old 09-15-2006, 07:12 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Illyana
My husband is about to have to go to Montana from Arkansas to go to a hearing concerning visitation for his child. The mother lives in Montana with the child. She has cut off all contact with my husband. She only allows my husband to call his son at her mother's house and even then she has him on speaker phone. Their child is only 5 years old. Sometimes he doesn't feel like talking on the phone. My husband has told them not to scold the child or force the child to talk to him but he hears them in the background scolding him for not talking. My husband just tells his child that it's okay and he doesn't have to talk if he doesn't want to. His ex moved to Montana with the child 3 years ago. She has refused visitation and refuses to agree to a parenting plan because my husband wants her to pay half of the cost for an airline ticket since she was the one who moved away. She also doesn't want my husband to have the ability to take his child out of the state of Montana. How is he supposed to have his 6 weeks of visitation int he summer if he can't bring his child back here? He can't take that much time off work. No one could. My husband paid child support before an order was issued and continues to. His ex never worked while they were married and is currently unemployed and cohabitating with the child present. I've tried to talk to the ex and let her know me since I'll be a part of her child's life but she refuses to speak to me. I'm at my wits end. We only want what is best for the child which according to the judge is a loving and meaningful relationship with both parents. My husband's ex just won't let this happen. I have no idea what to do and am nervous about going to court. Have any of you been faced with this?
Have you been to a lawyer? All the things you've described are ridicules, and your request are resonable, so go to court.


To the OP. I'm sorry. I don't know what to say, other than I hope it's better tomorrow.
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#11 of 14 Old 09-15-2006, 07:20 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MeganW
I would be the step mom. He thinks the children will turn against their mother and believe it's Her fault that he couldn't see them and see that she has lied to them and since it's just a matter of time 6+yrs it's not worth fighting over. I think his children will grow up and feel like they weren't worth the effort even though we are in a position to offer them many more opportunities than there mother is. (We are open to offering them without custody however we aren't even allowed to speak to the children right now)
I don't know enough about the situation to really comment. I don't think that a man feeling that way necessarily shows that he's weak and selfish - there is a lot that's really off-putting about court battles and staying engaged in a big long fight with the other parent. Yes they would benefit from getting to know their dad, but there is certainly a cost-benefit to be weighed.

How long have you all been together? I know I was much more gung-ho, fight-every-step-of-the-way-for-your-kids for the first stretch. Fighting might be the best idea in your case, or not.
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#12 of 14 Old 09-16-2006, 10:17 AM
 
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I agree with mammastar2. It can be really easy to sit back and judge your husband's actions/or inaction. From your signature line it looks as if you two are recently married. I was in a similar situation when I married and I often felt my DH wasn't doing enough to see his kid. My aunt actually gave me a tongue lashing about it though. I had married him knowing the situation and now I was sitting back in judgement on him for not changing it to my liking. If his behaviour was that unacceptable to me now, I shouldn't have married him.

Now let me say I love my husband beyond belief and don't regret marrying him one bit. But my aunt's words made me realize that MY frustration with the situation was a problem of my own creation. I chose to enter into this situation and quite honestly, it is DH's responsiblity and perogative to handle it as he sees fit.

As time went on, I could see more clearly and have more compassion on how the situation had become so convoluted in the first place. There are still times that I get frustrated, but I find that when I've got the urge to pick on him, I'm actually just avoiding what I should be doing.
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#13 of 14 Old 09-16-2006, 03:26 PM
 
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OP, I don't want to put words in your mouth, so excuse me if I am wrong about any of this. If I recall the OP 's original post, she at first felt that her dh was choosing the right path in not fighting for his kids. He was going to wait until they were older, then they could choose to know him. We MDC mamas convinced her that her husband should establish a relationship now and that the kids would probably feel rejected that he hadn't chose to know them sooner. Now she thinks we are right, and theres a bunch a post telling her to ease up on the guy! I guess we just really don't know everything. It would be hard for me not to judge the guy. It seems that when you got into the marriage you understood that the situation was X, but as you get to know more, it seems more likeY, so eventhough you married him with knowledge, you can change your view of the situation. It would be hard for me not to judge and think, if those were children we had together, would you be that kind of dad to them? I guess I would offer to support him in whatever way he needed like paperwork, calling lawyers and all the other little details that can overwealm. It still has to come from him. What is he afraid of?
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#14 of 14 Old 09-20-2006, 04:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My DH is afraid of disrupting the GREAT life we have together with our daughter to fight for 3 children he doesn't really know and that he doesn't feel he has a whole lot of chance getting anywhere with anyhow. So he has decided to stop this and not pursue the children. He will pay his cs and leave them be and I will work on staying OUT of it. It's very hard for me to accept that something is not my concern.

I did know about the situation before we got married and him taking care of it was an agreement we made before we got married.

We obviously have different opinions about taking care of things and that is what I need to accept. It has very little to do with these children. Although I do feel very sorry for the situation they are in.
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