Disagreement with partner about discipline - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 8 Old 09-22-2006, 05:01 AM - Thread Starter
 
Sharon, RN's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 610
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hey, guys, to make a long story short:

My son is from my previous marriage. I have a wonderful relationship with a great guy now, is great for my ds, positive role model (education, work) who really invests time and energy and money into providing for my ds.

When tempers get short, though, my partner almost always reverts to threatening to spank and has, on a few occasions (less than 5), actually spanked him. (It would be a lie to say I have never done this, but I try really, really hard not to do it. I haven't done it in years.)

When everything is calm, and I explain my views and how I feel, my boyfriend understands and says he sees my point. But if ds starts acting up, when he starts yelling I try to diffuse the situation. But he's often still angry and will defend his actions at that time, usually by saying, "I was raised by very traditional Asians (he's Asian-American) and this is how we do it."

Whenever he says that, I usually blurt out, "Well, I was raised by European-Americans who liked to beat me and I still don't believe in it!"

I'm just afraid that I'm going to end up ending an otherwise great relationship because at times we can't agree on discipline. I don't know what to do. Has anyone else overcome this?

TIA.

Mom, wife, full-time student.  And tired.  DH, DS#1 (9/99) and DS#2 (9/09), and 2 dogs.

Sharon, RN is offline  
#2 of 8 Old 09-22-2006, 05:45 AM
 
flapjack's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: England, easily locatable by Google
Posts: 13,647
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Yes.
I pulled rank and told him that if he ever smacked my son again that I would leave him and report him to the police for child abuse- that it was not his place to decide how my children were disciplined and that by trying to over-rule me like this, it wasn't my child he was disrespecting but me myself. Saying that, though, it wasn't a bluff. I would have ended the relationship over such a big lack of respect.

Helen mum to five and mistress of mess and mayhem, making merry and mischief til the sun goes down.
flapjack is offline  
#3 of 8 Old 09-22-2006, 11:15 AM
 
Zilla's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 202
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Its not a matter of how he was raised or anything like that. It is a matter of him repsecting you as a mother. If you say no, he should respect that decision. It is not his child to discipline and he should leave that to you esp if you are around. If you want to spank you child than that is up to you, but this guy (though you are in a relationship with him) is no the child's parent or any relative for that matter. I am a stepmomma and I do not spank my dsd for that reason, everyone I have met agrees with me. Bottom line, if he is not respecting you as the mother of your child, he is no good for you. You said except for that one thing it is a great relationship. I know I may be stretching it here, but what if it was a scenario like: except for the couple times he hit me its a great relationship. Or: except for the fact he won't let me eat more than 1500 calories a day until I lose 5 lbs its a great relationship. There just shouldn't be these big exceptions. I think it is very wrong that he would use that form of disciplin on you child soley for the reason that it is your child and not his. You need to tell him to stop and if he doesn't, his temper is too bad and you need to leave.
Zilla is offline  
#4 of 8 Old 09-23-2006, 01:38 AM
 
Flor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: California
Posts: 5,279
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Would he spank his own bio kids? And if so, will it be a dealbreaker for you should you decide to go further in the relationship. Also, I'm not sure that things should be getting heated to the point where the stepparent is stepping in and disciplining beyond what the bioparent feels is comfortable. I support my husband, but I am not the one actually handing out the punshiments (much less hitting the child). Everyone differs here, but I feel that stepparents handle the day to day little things like clean your room and the bioparent takes over when there is a serious issue.
Flor is offline  
#5 of 8 Old 09-23-2006, 01:55 AM
 
E.V. Lowi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Santa Barbara
Posts: 2,989
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My dh is also "Asian-American" raised by VERY traditional parents who never laid a finger on him; dh never received a spanking or anything like it in his life. That excuse is complete hogwash. :
Your boyfriend may have been abused by his parents and think this is how all Asians parents are--he needs to get in touch with reality. His beating(sometimes called spanking or other euphemism) of your child or any other, is abuse, plain and simple. A child will NEVER forget it. It destroys any chance at a loving relationship and will eventually destroy your own relationship with your son as well. You should be protecting your son from abuse.
E.V. Lowi is offline  
#6 of 8 Old 09-23-2006, 12:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
Sharon, RN's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 610
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thanks for all your replies... We actually had another discussion re: this topic, and although it started well, he got defensive, etc.

I encouraged him to educate himself (and I'd be happy to supply the info), because at this point there is no future as far as us having children and the next time he so much as laid a finger on my son they would have to pick pieces of him (my bf) off the floor. (That's an exaggeration, but I did explain that it would be over.)

Thanks to all you who reinforced what I already know to be true. I have natural family living here, and I think my ds and I are going to run out and get a GD book for my bf to read as well.

I love him, and I hope it works out, but my ds is most important. Thanks!

Mom, wife, full-time student.  And tired.  DH, DS#1 (9/99) and DS#2 (9/09), and 2 dogs.

Sharon, RN is offline  
#7 of 8 Old 09-24-2006, 12:17 AM
 
Justice2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Making tea
Posts: 2,697
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My husband of almost 5 years has NEVER laid a hand on my daughter from a previous marriage. He does believe in spanking (was raised that way and doesn't see how it has effected his adulthood) and has (even though he trys so very hard not to) spanked our son once or twice - but NEVER has he laid a hand on my daughter.

I think that your decisions were right here. It would be a dealbreaker with me too and if he wasn't working so hard on learning other means of disipline with our son, that would be a dealbreaker for me too.
Justice2 is offline  
#8 of 8 Old 09-26-2006, 04:32 PM
 
Zilla's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 202
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sharon, RN View Post
Thanks for all your replies... We actually had another discussion re: this topic, and although it started well, he got defensive, etc.

I encouraged him to educate himself (and I'd be happy to supply the info), because at this point there is no future as far as us having children and the next time he so much as laid a finger on my son they would have to pick pieces of him (my bf) off the floor. (That's an exaggeration, but I did explain that it would be over.)

Thanks to all you who reinforced what I already know to be true. I have natural family living here, and I think my ds and I are going to run out and get a GD book for my bf to read as well.

I love him, and I hope it works out, but my ds is most important. Thanks!
I am so happy you stood your ground! That takes a lot of courage. I really hope it works out for you guys. Just do what you said about helping him to educate himself and keep standing your ground and everything should be fine.
Zilla is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off