My husband has been in my daughter's life since she was two, and we have her 5 or more nights a week, (her dad has her two nights or sometimes less.) We all get along pretty well, and I was never married to dd's father, and we never went to court to arrange custody or anything. DD is close with her father, but closer with my husband. She considers my husband to be one of three of her parents, and has for years.
So what if I die? Obviously my husband can't adopt her when her father is in the picture, right? Would he have any rights to her? He is definitely the more responsible parent, and although her dad/my ex is a good guy...he is also the "fun guy" who never really thinks about his parenting choices. I let a lot slide because I know he only has her a few days a week, and b/c my parents were at eachother's throats w/ their divorce and I don't want that for my daughter.
I would always want her dad to be in her life and it wouldn't be about taking anything away from him, but just ensuring my daughter would also continue to be parented by my husband. Is this impossible?
so fast forward mom dies when boy is 12 and him and step -dad do what needs to be done to get on with thier lives. I am not sure how it happened but bio dad pops back into his life and insists boy comes and lives with himl. It was absolutely heartbreaking. tearful appeals from both step dad (who has lost his wife and now his son) and the boy. The courts awarded custody to the dad. They absolutely hated to do it (and the judge didn't mince words about how he felt about it) but legally his hands were tied. i wish I remembered how it ended. I think the boy ended up going back to his step dad when he was 14 and his bio dad gave in finally.
but yeah step parents have no rights as far as I know and I think to some extent it sucks but it could also make things crazy for kids. imagine visitation with parents and step parents divorced
but if you and your xh have an amicable relationship and everyone gets along it might be worth it to talk about it. perhaps there is an arrangement that can be made.
The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it. We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.
Part of me thinks that my ex would be relieved if my husband could at least keep dd half the week, because I think he feels like being a parent cramps his social life...but that is with the circumstances now. He is single and dating a lot. We all get along suprisingly well right now, and as much as I hope my ex settles down with a great woman, (because it will probably make life more consistent for our dd,) I am also very nervous because a fourth person could really change the dynamic between all of us.
I think I will try to have a serious conversation w/ my ex about it, and see if there is anyway we can have some sort of agreement legally documented.
Like others have said, my understanding is stepparents get zero rights. Kinda like we get zero credit for cleaning up puke and sitting in carpool lanes and all that other stuff simply because we didn't give birth to this particular child. It sucks, but thats what we take on as stepparents. Forgive me, I've been a little bitter about this today since DSD is sick and I've been using my vacation days to take off work since the bio parents can't do it and I don't get even a awknowledgement from the biomom (should I be surprised?). But enough about me.
The only way your DH could adopt your DD is if DDs bio-father gave up all parental rights to the child and then your DH went through the formal adoption process. Since this is probably doubtful the biodad would do this, you're probably out of luck. You could try to arrange in both your will and the biodad's will that your DH would have some sort of parental rights to the child, but I have a feeling that even if it was clearly outlined by the best of lawyers, all the biodad would have to do is change his mind and your DH is out of luck, and this is assuming he would go for that idea in the first place. It breaks my heart to think that if anything was to happen to my DH, I would lose my entire family since I have no biochildren of my own. Hopefully it is something none of us will never have to deal with. BTW, it is not at all weird to think about it so soon after your wedding, I did the same thing.
Autistic pagan mama with five kiddos on the spectrum, learning through living life.
Although I think that pps are probably right about the rights of step-parents, I have always wondered about a will. If the wishes of the mother (bio-parent) were spelled out in her will, would that make any difference?
The children are in a special language school, have many more opportunities where we live, vs. where my x does. The have friends and family, a sibling and a father that has lived with them longer than bio did. We have a decent case of "continuation of life" if the unfortunate happens to me. While I know it will be a hard battle, I hope that we will prevail.
Of course, at 5'10", 360lbs, smoking and a history of heart disease, it is more likely that my x will pass before I will. :