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#1 of 5 Old 10-05-2006, 09:38 PM - Thread Starter
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Everything is going great, something pops up.

I married DH when DSD (Caitlyn) was 3.5 yo. Ive been involved in her life since she was 8 months old. DH and Caitlyns bio mom were never married or really dating...Caitlyn came from a brief "relationship". No real feelings were involved as DH was used to get back at a cheating boyfriend. The only reason DH found out about Caitlyn was because bio mom needed paternity for insurance purposes.

There has never once been a problem between any of us. All of the paternity and child support hearings were very cordial and DH has always paid on time and even offered her more $$ if she ever needed it.

A little more mom and Caitlyn both live with bio moms parents. I have nothing against this, but it does affect Caitlyn and it affects us. Why? Because the courts still see bio mom as the one who puts the roof over her head and food in her belly. Bio mom doesnt pay any bills when it comes to the living situation. Her response to why she wants to keep living there is, "Why move out? Yes, I can very much afford it, but why? I have no bills, no curfew, a babysitter if I need it and I can keep myself in a nice car and keep Caitlyn in the lifestyle shes used to." The lifestyle is going shopping weekly, getting what she wants when she wants it (she actually told me, "snap snap! I want that" when she saw a commercial when she was here.

Okay, heres the thing. If there are any step moms or dads from Michigan, we need some help. Nobody at the FOC will answer our questions in anything but vague answers.

We took Caitlyn to the dentist for the first time ever last summer because her gums were bleeding. Shes 8 years old. I talked to her mom about taking her, she agreed to get her in ASAP and sent us her dental card. We made sure the dentist accepted the insurance and went forward. She has a mouth full of cavities and one exposed root so we made the next appt. Bio mom called and said, "CANCEL IT!" Her ins. wasnt accepting it because she didnt have a primary care dentist set up for her. So I did. 2 months later, half a tooth breaks off in her pudding. We took Caitlyn back 2 weeks early so she could go to the dentist near her mom. Mom cancelled the appt because she didnt think she really needed to go.

Now, the bill from the original dentist was sent to her so she pmd me the other day saying, "Sorry...Im not paying it. No one has any proof that I authorized you to take her. I didnt make the appt." She did give us the card which says she knew we were taking her, but thats beside the point. Now we are stuck with the bill.

Im more than mad. I was more than willing to pay half, but for her to just say, "Nope. Not paying any of it. Its up to you since you made the appt." is just rediculous, I think.

What about you? Does all of this seem even the slightest bit unreasonable?

Sorry this is so long, but I wanted to make sure I got it all in.
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#2 of 5 Old 10-05-2006, 10:08 PM
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I think:

- It is not your business that the bio-mama lives with her parents. I'd step away from that one. If Caitlyn acts spoiled at your house, you can teach her your values.

- She should pay half the damn dentist bill. If you have a court order, it should have a stipulation about extra expenses... usually it's that both parents pay according to income. If the child needs dental treatment, it is not okay for the mother to not pay because she didn't "authorize" it.

Sorry you're having so much difficulty with the bio-mother.
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#3 of 5 Old 10-05-2006, 10:09 PM
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It does seem unreasonable that she seems unwilling to get proper healthcare for her daughter.

My DSDs are under my husband's medical insurance. Therefore, I make all appointments for them, and take them to the appointments, letting biomom know of course, and doing my best to schedule appointments for outside of school time. It is our responsibility, as the girls are covered under our insurance. Biomom has a copy of our insurance card in case something happens while they're with her, but for the most part, we're responsible. After every checkup (with ped, dentist, whatever) I send biomom a detailed e-mail with everything the docs said, things to watch out for, etc., and she asks any questions. It works for us.

Biomom has insurance, correct? If she does, then I'd have to say that unfortunately there's really not a lot you can do except try and convince her that taking your DSD to routine checkups is important, especially with her teeth at her age. Aside from that, I really don't know what control you have over the situation, especially since your DH and biomom never had a "formal" agreement, KWIM?

I'm sorry, I can only imagine how frustrating this is for you to deal with!!


Sarah - Mama to Vic (1/19/00), Syd (4/06/02) Sam (4/20/06-born at 30wk2d), JackJack (2/14/07) and Charlie (4/30/10)
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#4 of 5 Old 10-06-2006, 12:44 PM
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Is the bill in her name? If yes, then she's the one who is hurt (credit wise) if it's not paid. How would it affect you? Our court order has nothing about extra expenses. We pay them all.
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#5 of 5 Old 10-07-2006, 10:19 AM - Thread Starter
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As for stepping away from them living with her moms parents, we have for 8 years. We cant help but think about that when we are told that she doesnt have $ to pay for something when she makes more than we do and doesnt have anything but a car payment while we have all of the "normal" household (we own/have a mortgage) bills. We dont say anything to bio mom or Caitlyn about it, though.

We have asked every year at open enrollment if bio mom wants us to add Caitlyn to our insurance. She always declines saying we dont need to do that. This is the first problem weve had with the set-up so, no matter what she thinks, we are adding her this year. If, God forbid, an emergency should arise while shes here, I dont want her to not help us with it, we would go bankrupt. We have tried to tell her about the importance of regular dental checkups, but it hasnt helped. She cancelled the appt she made to get her fillings done because "Caitlyn didnt want to go". That makes me angry. If she has cavities, they NEED to be filled or at least carefully monitored.

Because my husband is her parent down here, he was the one to authorize her dental cleaning when her gums were bleeding. That was the first cleaning shes ever had. So, the insurance was in her name, but the bill was ultimately in his name, set to her address because she was placed under DH's records.

If Caitlyn acts spoiled at your house, you can teach her your values.
. All summer we went rounds with this. Shes at the age where she doesnt understand why she can go shopping for clothes/toys every weekend with her mom, but not here. Bottom line, we cant afford to. My son suffered because of all the talks we had about proper behavior. It was a circle that never ended. Her head is not with her heart right now. She knows at her moms, she gets what she wants whether it be because she asks or because she throws a tantrum in the middle of the store. She wants to be here because she has stability and family (no daycare), but she cant stand that she isnt getting weekly shopping sprees.

Im more worried about her future than her current behavior. She doesnt understand how this will affect her later in life and I dont expect her to.
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