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Old 10-09-2006, 04:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi I'm new here.. Thought I could use a support board.

Deleted do to parinoa, with privacy...
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Old 10-09-2006, 04:39 PM
 
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Hugs to you momma, sounds like you have been through a lot. You sound like a very patient and understanding person. I think once you get the visitation stuff down with the courts, it should help. But I wouldn't count on it totally. She can still be crazy and you will have to take her back to court etc. Once you have the paperwork done at court though, she will have legal consequences for her actions which could be enough to curb her. She is probably very bitter right now, she probably thought she would have your DH forever and now she is the scourned lover and did not want to play that role. I am by no means defending her. She knew what she was getting into when she decided to date and have a child with a married man (even though you were seperated). I have no sympathy for her, but tons for you. Your feelings right now are very natual and valid. Blended families are hard enough when everyone gets along, let alone when you don't. Hang in there, eventually it has to get better. Come on here and talk to us about stuff, that way you can get things out and you don't have to vent to your DH since that sounds like it puts a strain on ya'll. My DH's ex was crazy until we got married, then luckely she changed 360 after the wedding and things are great. I live in fear of the 360 back to crazy though. I completely relate to you on the boundries and needs thing. We should swap stories sometime. I promise that too will pass in time as things get more situated with your family. Best of luck to you and feel free to pm me about anything!
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Old 10-09-2006, 06:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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had major privacy issues in the past, so probably will allways delete my posts out of habit, well after a couple days anyway, sorry
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Old 10-09-2006, 07:45 PM
 
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Vent away. I feel like my DH talks on the phone to his ex more than me sometimes. He's even her real estate agent right now which gives them even more to talk about. Its gotten better than it used to be. He doesn't mow her lawn anymore. Mow her lawn! I mean seriously! What is with our DHs?

I try to look on the bright side that he's not some deadbeat and if for some horrible reason we divorced I know how well I would be treated and how well our children would be treated.

Right now we are dealing with Christmas. Last year (our first together married) we went over to his ex's house (that they used to share) a few days before christmas and opened presents for eachother and for my dsd. I thought it was a bad idea then, but I went along with it becasue DH thought it would be good for his dd and it kept his ex feeling like she was part of a family. Everything was fine, it was just awckward for me and Dh ened up miserable becasue of all the bad memories from that house and his old marriage and he said he never wanted to do it again. But this year she's already talking about doing it again. I flat refused this time. Its even wierder becasue now DH and I are converting to Judaism and won't be celebrating Christmas in our home so we can't do it at our house instead. We are trying to think of something we can do to stop it without making the ex feel shut out which we are afraid will make her not let us see dsd as often. I just know we are going to end up doing it at her house again. I have told dh that I refuse to start some tradition of doing this at christmas becasue my children won't be celebrating christmas nor are they part of his ex's family. We don't have kids yet, but we will next year g-d willing. Alright, so I got off on a bit of a tangent. But that is my limits being pushed right now.

I don't know if my DH or yours will ever see our selflessness. They are blinded by their children and the love they have for them. That is one thing I have learned that my hisband just doesn't get. He is dsd's dad. I do not have that bond with her the way he does. Things that he thinks are cute that she does can grate on my nerves. I love my dsd so much, but the bond just isn't there. I don't think the dh's can get that becasue they only know the love they have for their children and can't understand the love we have for them. We love them, but it is different. What comes naturally to them is learned for us, hence the selflessness. But they just don't see or get that. Believe me, I've tried to explain it to him.
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Old 10-09-2006, 09:52 PM
 
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Will hopefully respond later.
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Old 10-10-2006, 02:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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another deleted sorry...:
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Old 10-10-2006, 02:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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sphinxie,

Looking forward to it, and thanks for the hugs!!!
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Old 10-10-2006, 04:11 PM
 
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Okay, I'm going to reply as I read.

Your situation sounds like one that can make for a really nice blended family after some time has passed. How long has it been since he & she split up? To gauge how fresh it is for her...

I can relate to your story a tiny bit, not that mine is too much like that, but my DH was separated with his ex for almost ten years when we met. They were still friends, and it made some legal issues easier, and protected her slightly against a lame DP she was with. We had to have the "social/religious" wedding apart from the legal wedding because we all waited til the semi-last minute to get the divorce through, and then beaurocracy held it up in the most dysfunctional way... he was legally single for all of eight days! And meanwhile I refer to her second daughter as our stepdaughter, but she had that daughter with the DP (while legally married to my DH) so there is actually no word for that relationship. Anyway, I absolutely love my blended family, including the ex, so I'm kind of the weirdo on this board.

I would really suggest that you guys get counseling on this issue, right from the beginning. Why wait for it to become hellish? Do it now. When you say to your DH "you're doing too much for her" he may agree but he doesn't take it seriously enough apparently. When a counselor says "you're doing too much for her" he will probably take it more seriously, be a little embarrassed, and if the process takes awhile he will have accountability to an outside figure. Takes the pressure off you! And if you ever start overreacting to something (it's easy to overreact to certain little things when the big thing is the problem, but we focus on the little things instead) the counselor will be able to help you put that back into perspective. And will help you both in other ways as well. If he or she is a good counselor of course. With the reconciliation perhaps you've already done some counseling?

I think you're right that once there is a legal arrangement for visitation she will relax on that, the outside structure is probably needed for everyone's sake.

A vague idea... it might be best for you to make more friendly gestures while your DH makes less. She should know that even more than she's part of the package for you, YOU're part of the package with your DH. It's a different situation than it would be with a new wife. But the timing of this is something you should feel out--might be best to do this after the legal thing is set up.

I would strongly suggest that you let go of the small stuff. And like they say, it's almost all small stuff. You guys will get the legal visitation setup. Then follow that. In the meantime, relax about it. Just be patient. This phase (before the legal visitation setup) will pass and unless it takes a long time, it will just seem like a blip in hindsight, as you watch your SDD grow up. Concentrate on encouraging the legal setup to happen faster. So this is a time where you want to focus on the future, not the present...

You will not need to be selfless in the future. Right now your husband wants to be selfless --but it's not entirely selflessness either, he's got his own reasons. Let him do what he wants as much as possible. Take a deep breath... even if you don't love what he's doing, not being "responsible" for his actions will be a huge load off your shoulders! He is an individual. Let him make mistakes.

Now reading your second post, it sounds like you are feeling jealousy but not saying so. My experience is that, in a lot of cases, jealousy is a real red flag. It doesn't necessarily mean that your first fear is true, but it does mean that something is wrong--somebody is not quite trustworthy or well intentioned, somebody is not quite able to hold up their end of the bargain... maybe they can in some ways but not in others... so again, Get thee to counseling!! Channel all your freakout energy into counseling, not freaking out. You are not helpless or trapped. It's just that some things can be dealt with quickly (finding a counselor) and some things will take time (getting counseling to work, getting proper visitation).

Big s

I would add that a good boundary for you to put down is that if she wants a relationship of some kind with your DH besides bare parenting, it will have to include you. I think that's very fair. I know if my DH's ex didn't like me, and I didn't trust her, it would absolutely not be okay for him to spend as much time as he does over there. (I can be very unjealous, but when I am jealous it's serious--and I've always been right, though not always in the ways I thought I was.) So it wouldn't work to say "You have to like me" but... that might be a condition for your DH to know about, and then for the ex to know or not know as appropriate. It's common sense either way.

It doesn't matter what her stance is. The judge will give you a reasonable visitation arrangement. Just make sure to avoid hostility in the meanwhile so that she doesn't try to tar you both... even if the judges don't believe her it would be a more painful experience. So it's good to maintain as good a relationship as possible until the legal thing is setup, but you don't have to be afraid of her power. She's not the one who will control it, a judge will.

Again, for relationship stresses, be patient in the moment and find a counselor.

The problem is that he's in a stressful situation, and he's not ready to handle your feelings right now. He's trying to do the right thing, and he doesn't have the resources to step back and look clearly at what the right thing is. And he isn't able to listen to you because while you have valuable input, he just perceives that as adding to his stress and responsibilities. He's on autopilot. Make your first goal to get him off autopilot, and be patient.

Maybe it would help to see a limit. When can you reasonably expect to have legal visitation? When can you reasonably expect to have counseling set up? How much longer will you have to do this on your own and be patient with your DH doing things the wrong way because he's overwhelmed and on autopilot?

Take it slow!
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Old 10-10-2006, 04:19 PM
 
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It sounds, flow, like you are very reasonably upset, because your husband is devoting too much to his relationship with his ex. If I were you, I'd be very suspicious of him. How well has he rebuilt trust with you? If he hasn't, and you have all these negative feelings about your own marriage being neglected as he dotes on his ex, would that be acceptable if you saw it in someone else's relationship? If your own daughter was in a relationship like that, how would you feel?
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Old 10-10-2006, 04:58 PM
 
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It is totally alright to be frustrated. My dh talks to his ex mostly about their child, but also about her work stuff like that that she just likes to chat about. I hate it, but it goes with the terretory I guess. I know it feels like her life is more of a demand on him then your life, your family that you have together, but becasue you are going through custody stuff adn dealling with the new baby it is going to be more of a demand right now. If you and your DH can make it through this, you can make it through anything. Its like the saying what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, same with the relationship.

Quote:
I don't see a way out of this at the moment.. What am I suposed to do? Is haveing a blended family like this untill the ex actually gets another partner? Someone else to lean on?
Sometimes I think yes. Once the legal stuff is taken care of it will help a lot, but I know my DHs ex calmed down a lot when she was dating, plus she used us for a free babysitter and we had DH's dd 5+ days a week which was great.

You also spoke in your post about relationship after you get visitation. DSD and I have a great relationship. She knows who her mom is, but she is always happy to see me and loves ot hang out with me. Another thing you said that made me chuckle knowingly was about how the ex does not want you to ever see the child. DH and I started dating once they were seperated and the ex tried to put it in their divorce paperwork that Me in particular cou.ld never be allowed near her DD, like a restaraining order. BTW, I had yet to ever meet dsd at this point. She was really ridicoulous. But just like yours is now, she was very bitter and angry.

The whole thing will take a lot of time. Its been a year and a half of marriage for us and 6 months before that of us engaged and hanging around dsd for us to get to where we are now. It has not been easy, but you forget about the bad stuff and just focus on the good now. I know it will get that way for you. It may take a year or so (I know that's not what you want to hear), but it will get so much better.

I totally agree with sphinxie that it might be best for you to make more friendly gestures while your DH makes less. I have done that with my DH's ex and it helped a lot. She lost something when she lost my DH and I would rather fill that void than him trying to. I have sat on the phone with her while she talks about her recent breakup bored to tears and pretending to be sympathetic, I have sat with her for three hours on a Saturday afternoon planning dsd's b-day party so she doesn't feel so overwhelmed, I have even had dinner with her parents! I always offer to tag along when we drop off or pick up dsd so I can talk to her and my dh doesn't. little things like that have gone a long ways in both the ex feeling better about me being around her DH and me feeling better because I am more in the loop so to speak. I never hear things second hand any more. The ex has told me that she sometimes prefers to talk to me when she needs to arrange visit days for dsd instead of talking to my DH. She says sometimes she just doesn't have the energy to talk to my DH, you know, bad memories or wixhful thinking or whatever. Works for me. The whole situation has come a long ways since the days of trying to make me legally never around my dsd.
Remember to keep you friends close and your enemies closer. Most people thinks is really wierd how "close" we all are, but it works for us. I put "close" like that becasue DH and I really don't like ex, but we all act like we do.
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Old 10-10-2006, 06:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Old 10-10-2006, 06:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Old 10-10-2006, 06:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh my gosh I LOVE it here!!!!!

Zilla you are SUPER helpful to, I feel so much better ladies thank you so much!!!


Thank you again, for your suportive, comforting words, I AM NOT ALONE!!!!!

Didn't want to delet this, thanks so much!!!!
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Old 10-10-2006, 07:24 PM
 
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Awww, I am so glad we could help you!

I can't belive how long its been already with your situation. I think its just different becasue the baby is still young. These two years without visitation set up in the courts has made things so difficult. I am so sure once that is settled she will get over it. Part of her must think as long as she doesn't have the court involved and things stay like they are, she still has a chance at getting your DH back. That is really sad.

I cannot believe what she is telling your child! You should not let her go back ther at all. Once the court stuff is done, there should be something in your paperwork that says none of the parents can say anything bad about any of the other parents including stepparrents. This women is living in her own reality. Whether she likes it or not, you were her childs stepmomma from the moment it was concieved. We have enough problems with the stereotypes out there from Disney, we don't need anymore crud from her. Funny story: After my SIL's kiddo spent some time with me, she told her momma that I couldn't be a stepmom becasue I was too nice. She had only heard of stepmoms on movies like Cinderella. It just goes to show that kids will make up their own minds eventually, and even Disney can't brainwash them

Hugs to you momma, hang in there just a little while longer.
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Old 10-10-2006, 08:54 PM
 
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She sounds like a bad one. Maybe she'll get better some day, who knows. But yeah, sounds smart to not let your kids be around her, at least not unsupervised.

Still... it could be a LOT worse. (Now I'm deleting things for privacy )

Once you get a custody arrangement, the hard part is already over. You will get to hang out with your DSD when she visits the house, regardless of what her biomom wants. Only your DH will have to deal with the ex directly. It will be easier to say no to her and then cut off any tantrum.

It's possible that instead of trying to please her, you guys should think about any possible legal preparations you want to make just in case. Documenting everything, good and bad, always helps.
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Old 10-10-2006, 08:58 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Zilla View Post
Part of her must think as long as she doesn't have the court involved and things stay like they are, she still has a chance at getting your DH back. That is really sad.


And I think that's what's setting off a lot of your intense discomfort with her, which I would call jealousy, but not the kind that's a real fear of losing a partner. A woman knows. (Sometimes.)
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Old 10-11-2006, 01:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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You guys are just so right on, since I've been here I've calmed down alot.. Thanks a bunch!!!

I called him on the way last night and told him that I loved him, that he's a great father and a great person.. He gave a very deep sigh, an said thank you.. It's like he really needed me to acknowledge all the effort he's putting out, instead of just being agrivated because at the moment its takeing him from all of us...

I think you guys were really right, I need to not sweat this moment in time, we are going to get through this, and it's going to be ok...

thank you again..

Well deleted some of it, I'm just so parinoid we had issues with my posts being read on a very old board, since then, I don't like to leave my words and thoughts in cyber space to long...:
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Old 10-11-2006, 04:28 PM
 
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I just wanted to say that I think it is great that you understand her feelings in all of this. That makes it easier on all of you. Even if she's being a bit delusional about everything. You are taking the high road and showing a great deal of maturity and love for your entire family.
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Old 10-11-2006, 05:10 PM
 
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I called him on the way last night and told him that I loved him, that he's a great father and a great person.. He gave a very deep sigh, an said thank you.. It's like he really needed me to acknowledge all the effort he's putting out, instead of just being agrivated because at the moment its takeing him from all of us...
Aw that's so sweet :
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Old 10-11-2006, 06:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hugs to you guys thanks so much!!! Haveing a better day today... thanks to you
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