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#1 of 17 Old 10-21-2006, 07:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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well, first off, I'm looking for help or advice or something I've tried every approach. I've been with my girlfriend for 7 months, she has two boys 4 and 8 months. I've know her for a few years now and she knows my ex-wife through mutual friends who no longer have contact. I have two girls 5 and 15. My relationship with my ex-wife is very minimal, however she accuses me of talking to her "alot". My ex and I get along (kinda as good as possible). Her oldest son's dad is nowhere to be found and her baby's dad is a complete idiot. who harrasses her and takes her to court every two weeks (oh and loses) but he's trying to break her financially. Now to the issue
I talked to my ex twice on monday for 30 seconds(literally) and a 12 min call on tues wich consisted of a 8 min conversation with my daughter. she accuses me of talking to her to much. and she also says I'm still in love with her OK whatever. now my oldest daughter who is not paternally mine who I've raised and lives with me has a cell phone which her mom (my ex calls regularly) my girlfriend thinks it's to check up on me. she thinks every call from or to my ex is about her. every conversation my daughter has with her mother is to find out about us. she's delusional. I cannot convince her otherwise. how can I fix this? also My mother offered to pay for the whole group of us consisting of 8 people in our clan to come back to illinois for a little prechristmas. my g/f declines because my ex will call her daughter to see what we are doing? Am I retarded for being with her still? she cannot really be this ridicoulus can she? I love my kids!!!!! I love my girlfriend! but if she can't cope with the fact that my ex and I are both active parents and we discuss our children (not our old sex life) what can I do. I've tried every approach and when I try to say something to my G/F she tells me to stop she doesn't want to discuss it now (or ever). and she also says I don't have to explain. Now my thoughts are if I tell her everything she should believe me but I'm lost and don't know what to do. I mean I pretty much am dad to her oldest boy now and I'm the only one who can ever get her 8 month old to go to sleep. I get up with him in the middle of the night so she can sleep and she tells me that I'm still cheating with my ex. but I do so much for her how can she honestly think that? HELP
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#2 of 17 Old 10-21-2006, 07:37 PM
 
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I have no good news for you. If it were me, I'd be out of there. Her irrational fears and unstable emotional behavior regarding your X are probably NOT going to get better. I cant imagine how difficult it would be to leave the kids, but first and foremost you have to consider the well-being of your family. You guys have only been together SEVEN MONTHS...thats hardly any time at all, and this is how she acts...its probably going to get WORSE *not* better as time goes by. I'm so sorry.

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#3 of 17 Old 10-21-2006, 08:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My biggest concern is my oldest daughter, the 15 yr old who you would think was 25 by looking or talking to her. she's not stupid she sees my G/F doing this stuff no matter how quite. I reassure her (my duaghter) that she will always be 1st and that no G/F will ever come between us. But how can my G/F actually think that a Good coparenting team between two ex's is cheating. She has to be delusional. I don't understand??????
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#4 of 17 Old 10-21-2006, 10:30 PM
 
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Have your broached the subject of couples therapy? That could tell so much about the dynamics of your relationship and coule be very helpful to both of you. If that is not an option, then perhaps being in a relationship with this woman is not the right thing for you at this time. You are the only one who can really make that decision and determine what you are willing to do to see just how 'real' the relationship is.

You really need to meditate on what is the best decision for you to make. It's hard to make any co-parenting relationship work and it's very difficult when you have to respect the traditions of another family under your own roof. IF she's that insecure now, could you imagine what would happen if the realtionship progressed?
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#5 of 17 Old 10-21-2006, 10:51 PM
 
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I have agree with a pp -- there is no good new here. I know you told your DD that she would always be first, but your actions are saying something else.

Unfortunately, your GF is very insecure, which is why she is saying these things. She doesn't understand because a good coparenting relationship is unknown to her.

If you really feel you must work it out with her, you might try sitting her down and calmly and clearly tell her exactly what you have told us. You are then going to have to set boundries for her. But if you set the boundries, be prepared to cut ties with her if she oversteps them. Most of the times, people with these personalities types don't change easily. Usually it takes drastice measures to help them overcome their severe insecurities.

Good luck!
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#6 of 17 Old 10-21-2006, 10:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I guess what I already thought was gonna be the only thing I'd hear. I tried to say counseling and she went nutz. My daughter sees me staying true to my word when it comes to our relationship. She knows she comes first. it's just that I'm so attached to her boys it's gonna literally kick me in the arse to do that. her oldest has no dad and He needs someone but mom's gotta chill.
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#7 of 17 Old 10-21-2006, 11:01 PM
 
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Most of time when a person is accusing you of cheating it because someone in their past have hurt them, ( I hate to say it) but maybe she cheated on you or someone else and thinking it final coming back to hunt you. I ws staying with my b/f who is the father of my dd, and he accused me of cheating and come to found it was him. But just ask her why she so emotional brothered, especially if you and ex have almost no contact with each other.
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#8 of 17 Old 10-22-2006, 02:04 AM
 
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Counseling just for you sounds like it could be appropriate...

It sounds like she has a serious jealousy problem, and is not really able or motivated to deal with her problem. In other words it sounds like she isn't trying to deal with it and to do so wouldn't even occur to her. Is this going to get better? It doesn't sound likely, and it could get much worse. I have heard some awful stories from friends that began that way. I was once with a jealous partner who liked to play the morality card and it was just awful. Also, being with people who are not in the "reality based community" is crazy-making. I don't know for a fact that it won't get better, but personally I wouldn't expect it.

What comes across in these posts is that you are mainly staying with her because you've become a father figure to her kids. It sounds like you have a lot of fathering instinct and that's wonderful... but carefully consider your choices, because the longer you stay the more attachment there will be with the kids. And be honest with yourself in every way possible. You cannot change her. You cannot fix this. It really doesn't matter if what she's doing is wrong and irrational, this is who she is in this lifetime, at this point in time. You don't have the power to change her and you don't have the responsibility over her either.

Good luck.
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#9 of 17 Old 10-22-2006, 04:06 PM
 
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I can tell you, I was like that in the beginning of my relationship with my SO, this was a man who looked at this woman for the first time and said Iw ill marry her, they did 6months later, had one child together and she had one previous. My SO has been a dad to this boy since he was 3 and now is 12. Their son together is 8. She cheated on him, they act NOW like they are REALLY GOOD FRIENDS and I felt the same as your ex and here is why I think I was like that in the beginning.

1.My Ex and I do not have a relationship anywhere close to that, we can not talk without screaming at one another, it is getting better but still not good.
2. Insecurities of a new relationship.
and the fact of how passionate he felt about her and him, it is something I always wanted for me and that other person.
Once I got over my issues, with alot of talks with Him and her I feel MUCH better.
If she is not willing to work this out, and see the big picture, then I dont know how you can stay together, she has to be willing to talk to you and open up and trust you, I think it sounds like TRUST Is a huge issue.

Hang in there and Good luck!
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#10 of 17 Old 10-24-2006, 12:09 PM
 
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Just a couple of thoughts here...it seems like it might be more of an issue than just your girlfriend. You said your ex-wife also has the impression that you talk to her a lot. So that means two of them. Maybe it doesn't seem like a lot to you, maybe in reality it ISN'T a lot, but also, maybe there is something that gives people an uncomfortable feel. Or maybe your ex-wife still has some feelings for you, your girlfriend senses that, and is responding to a fear that she has that you will put your coparenting above your new relationship.

What if you try to cut back? Wait until your ex-wife calls you, just let her do the communicating?

I've never had a bit of jealousy in me, but when I see it in others I realize it's a very complex feeling. There's fear, envy, desire, caring, a lot of emotions all rolled into one. If your relationship other than this is good, maybe you can get through it if you are sympathetic to her feelings. Part of being an understanding partner is, to some degree I believe, helping another person grow and heal and become a better person. A lot of that has to do with listening...maybe instead of trying to sit her down and tell her what you think, mabe you could just sit down and let her tell you completely how she feels? Or talk about what trust means to you in a relationship?
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#11 of 17 Old 10-25-2006, 06:52 AM
 
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I would just like to point out that your girlfriend wouldn't be so upset about it if she didn't REALLY really love you and really fear losing you.

Maybe she should sign up with an account here so she can ask other mom's questions; or get herself a blog where she can vent.

She's also free to PM me on here; I also deal with very strong jealousy issues and (fortunately for me) my S/O does too; and therefore understands where I'm coming from, and I also can relate to him. Believe it or not, it actually helps us be able to talk things out because we have an understanding and respect in that department. I have some ideas that have worked for us that I can share with you and her both.

Remember, if you love eachother, you can weather anything! Good luck!

WARNING: The comments and opinions expressed above do not necessarily reflect those of the community in which I reside; or those of the internet parenting network.
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#12 of 17 Old 10-25-2006, 06:41 PM
 
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sorry pal, as the girlfriend of a divorced dad who tries hard to be a big part of his kids lives, if she can't handle you talking you your ex without getting paranoid about it then she has issues that YOU can't help her with. Either she needs to get help or you need to give her the boot. That probably sounds a little insensitive, but that's just my opinion. You can't change people, and you can't fall in love with who you wish they were.

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#13 of 17 Old 10-25-2006, 10:48 PM
 
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Yes, unfortunately, jealously and insecurity is her issue and no matter what you do it will never be enough to convince her that you aren't going anywhere. She has to feel comfortable enough with herself so she can trust. It has to come from within.
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#14 of 17 Old 10-25-2006, 11:40 PM
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Daddy, you might not like this opinion, but IMHO, you're far better off ditching this woman.

For one thing -- again IMHO -- she is relentlessly self-centered and selfish. A more mature person would understand that the needs of your children come first to you, and chiefly important to your children is their mother. Just because she made a lousy choice in her babydaddy and now no longer has a civil relationship with her child's father is not a GOOD thing, KWIM? Your willingness to put aside whatever ill-feeling and bitterness might remain between you and your children's mother is a mark of a mature person who puts his kids first, and frankly, the fact that she not only doesn't appreciate that but condemns you for it is a BAD sign.

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she's delusional. I cannot convince her otherwise. how can I fix this?
Come down from your white steed, Sir Lancelot. Not everyone can be rescued; not everyone can be fixed.
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also My mother offered to pay for the whole group of us consisting of 8 people in our clan to come back to illinois for a little prechristmas. my g/f declines because my ex will call her daughter to see what we are doing? Am I retarded for being with her still?
No, but my guess is that you're a Fixit Guy -- if there's a problem, you fix it. If there's a broken pipe, you fix it. If there's a broken woman, you fix her.

Your impulses are admirable and kind, but the fact of the matter is that not everyone can be fixed. If you yourself as an independent agent were to be in this relationship, it would be a destructive emotional black hole, yes, but it would be YOUR destrutive emotional black hole. However, you have your children to consider. Do they deserve to be around this babymamadrama? Do you want either one of your girls to have this woman -- and her behavior -- as a role model shaping they way they treat men later? Is she mom material? If so, then it strikes me that there's very little reason to be dating this woman at all, really, and her behavior (directly or indirectly) could harm your girls. She's trying to drive a wedge between two kids and their mother and that is WRONG.
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she cannot really be this ridicoulus can she?
Ummm...she already WAS "this ridiculous," so the answer is "yes."
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I love my kids!!!!! I love my girlfriend! but if she can't cope with the fact that my ex and I are both active parents and we discuss our children (not our old sex life) what can I do.
Leave.
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I've tried every approach and when I try to say something to my G/F she tells me to stop she doesn't want to discuss it now (or ever). and she also says I don't have to explain. Now my thoughts are if I tell her everything she should believe me but I'm lost and don't know what to do.
Leave.
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I mean I pretty much am dad to her oldest boy now and I'm the only one who can ever get her 8 month old to go to sleep. I get up with him in the middle of the night so she can sleep and she tells me that I'm still cheating with my ex. but I do so much for her how can she honestly think that? HELP

I'm sorry. I know what I'm going to say will incur the wrath of a number of people here, but that's why I think that dating someone and trying to blend families is something I think people go about far too casually. IMHO, the two adults should date for a LONG time before the kids ever meet the other partner -- and by "a long time," I seriously mean about a year. You have your kids to protect, she may have hers to protect, and you can't go yanking kids' emotions this way and that until you're sure both of you are in it for the long haul.

Just my .02. P.S., I think you deserve better.
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#15 of 17 Old 10-26-2006, 02:15 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Meg Murry. View Post
....you might not like this opinion, but IMHO, you're far better off ditching this woman....Leave....I think you deserve better.
I think it's pretty bold of you to say these kinds of thing Meg!! I understand where you're coming from with the other points; but you don't know her AT ALL and there's always more to the story than is told.

You're telling someone that you don't even KNOW flat out to leave someone else that you don't even know!!

Everyone has faults; but obviously she's not THAT bad, or he wouldn't be with her still; nor would he be in conflict over it.

"Daddy" is really just looking for some solutions so he can help calm his woman's fears and anxieties and live happily ever after...not looking for a stranger to tell him to ditch her!

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#16 of 17 Old 10-26-2006, 04:04 PM
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Originally Posted by Blu Razzberri View Post
I think it's pretty bold of you to say these kinds of thing Meg!! I understand where you're coming from with the other points; but you don't know her AT ALL and there's always more to the story than is told.

You're telling someone that you don't even KNOW flat out to leave someone else that you don't even know!!

Everyone has faults; but obviously she's not THAT bad, or he wouldn't be with her still; nor would he be in conflict over it.

"Daddy" is really just looking for some solutions so he can help calm his woman's fears and anxieties and live happily ever after...not looking for a stranger to tell him to ditch her!
Let me point out the absolutely obvious: everyone on this message board gives opinions to and about people they don't know. People on this specific thread have made judgments quite similar to mine, specifically the following:

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If it were me, I'd be out of there. Her irrational fears and unstable emotional behavior regarding your X are probably NOT going to get better.
and

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if she can't handle you talking you your ex without getting paranoid about it then she has issues that YOU can't help her with. Either she needs to get help or you need to give her the boot. That probably sounds a little insensitive, but that's just my opinion.
Secondly, he is looking for "advice," as he stated in his OP. Mine was to leave her.

Also, another completely obvious thing: Sure, there's always more to the story. However, the OP is telling us the facts he feels are most relevant to give the "advice" he seeks, and evidently speaking for myself, I believe since HE knows far more of the facts than anyone here does, including you, that he's in the best position to decide what facts we need.

Moreover, you don't know me and you don't know what I do or do not know. Correct? So, frankly, rather than treating me as your special target today, why don't we merely disagree silently and leave it at that?
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#17 of 17 Old 10-30-2006, 04:49 AM
 
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: (Meg Murry) When it comes to your previous posts (both to the OP, and to me); I have to say: I've never been so taken aback by someone's forcible rudeness on these boards before! I'll be forthcoming in saying it's uncomfortable! People don't come here to have your opinion crammed down their throat, and to me; that's what it seems that you're trying to do. If I were the girlfriend in question; I would be VERY offended; and I'm sure if you put yourself into a situation where another person was being so forcibly negative about you, you'd feel the same way.

I'm not in this for a battle; but I don't think your comments are fair to her or her family. So, in response to your response to what you obviously feel is an attack on you....


Quote:
...he is looking for "advice," as he stated in his OP. Mine was to leave her.
He is looking for advice, yes, but obviously advice for how he can make his girlfriend more comfortable. Since you like to point out the obvious: clearly he's looking for ways to make this work out, because if he just wanted to leave her, he would have done that already. Correct?

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...rather than treating me as your special target today...
: interesting you should say this 'today', when 'yesterday' you said

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...I know what I'm going to say will incur the wrath of a number of people here...
and yet, the first person who disagree's with you, you jump all over it! :

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...People on this specific thread have made judgments quite similar to mine...
Similar yes, but with distinct differences. Let's see; other people's replies:

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"she has issues that YOU can't help her with. Either she needs to get help or you need to give her the boot." and "You are then going to have to set boundries for her...be prepared to cut ties with her if she oversteps them." and "If it were me, I'd be out of there"
the quotes from others suggest possible solutions and explain what they'd do in his shoes; but YOURS....

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"Come down from your white steed, Sir Lancelot. Not everyone can be rescued" and "you're far better off ditching this woman" and "she is relentlessly self-centered and selfish."
are very pushy and rather RUDE (especially towards the girlfriend; but, surprisingly towards 'daddy' too!). I'm gathering from the heated way you said "you don't know me and you don't know what I do or do not know." I'm assuming that you likely know these people personally, and it seems as though you have an emotional investment...which could be why you missed my point in the first place: strangers should not put their opinion out there so forcibly and rudely; especially since you could be pushing to end something that's not as bad as it's made to seem.

If you know them, why not just talk to 'daddy' personally instead

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