Why so non-chalant? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 10-24-2006, 08:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I have two amazing stepdaughters who have been a part of my life since they were 3 and 18 months, respectively. They call me mommy, they tell strangers they're my kids, and their biomom acknowledges me as a third parent to them, even going so far as to tell their teachers that I'm their "second" mom.

Ok, so that's the background to explain that obviously I would go to bat for my kids on anything, and move heaven and earth to do what I need to for them.

DD1 was born with an umbilical hernia. DH and biomom were told that if it hadn't healed on its own by the time she was 5, it needed to be surgically corrected. She will be 7 in January, and in talking to DD3's ped today, he suggested I take DD1 to a pediatric surgeon to get a consult and then have her operation done.

I e-mailed biomom to let her know what the ped said and to ask if she wanted me to go ahead and schedule a consult (one of the only hospitals with a ped surg. team is 120 miles from biomom, but I have to take DD3 there to see her specialists and could take both girls without a problem) or if she just wanted me to pass on the phone number of the surgery department so that she could call and schedule. I told her I was more than happy to take her, but didn't want to step on any toes by assuming that I was to be responsible for scheduling her surgery. I mean, it is surgery, after all. Also, I knew that biomom sometimes has trouble getting time off work, but I'm a SAHM, so my schedule is significantly more flexible. I asked her to please send me DD1's school schedule so that I could try and schedule her consult/surgery for her winter break, because I know biomom doesn't want the girls to be pulled out of school for any reason.

Her response was:
"B (my DH) said he would take care of this a while ago. I'll let you know when her breaks are from school for scheduling."

What? I mean, I understand it's technically DH's resposibility, since the kiddos are covered under his insurance, but I assumed she'd at least want to be involved, considering this is her child we're talking about.

Our relationship has been so much better of late, that this is really kinda mind-boggling. She just seems so blase about the whole thing, KWIM? Like she doesn't really care when I schedule this appointment, and is perfectly happy to have me handle all of it on my own. It just struck me as strange, because I know I would want to be kept in the loop (at the very least) if she was handling this, you know?

Maybe this is just the meanderings of a tired pregnant lady.

Sarah - Mama to Vic (1/19/00), Syd (4/06/02) Sam (4/20/06-born at 30wk2d), JackJack (2/14/07) and Charlie (4/30/10)
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#2 of 7 Old 10-25-2006, 01:50 AM
 
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I dunno, sometimes people are just weird? Maybe she's worn out and forgot that this was important...
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#3 of 7 Old 10-25-2006, 06:57 AM
 
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Maybe she just trusts you to take care of it and knows that you have the time to do so.

Kudos to you and biomom for having such an amazing relationship! You should team up and write a book on how to do it from each of your perspectives!!

WARNING: The comments and opinions expressed above do not necessarily reflect those of the community in which I reside; or those of the internet parenting network.
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#4 of 7 Old 10-25-2006, 09:14 AM
 
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To me, scheduling an appointment isn't the serious part, the surgeon's recommendation and actual surgery are. I didn't see anything strange about how she responded...but maybe I'm missing something?
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#5 of 7 Old 10-25-2006, 06:31 PM
 
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I agree Jster. If the relationship is as good as it seems to be, then she is obviously trusting you to make the appointment and keep her informed of what happens and when the surgery is. You asked if it was ok, she said she thought it was already taken care of, you asked when the school breaks were, she said that she'd let you know. Seems pretty simple and polite to me!

Mom to Kayleigh (05/07) Jacob (05/09) and Ned decluttering 615/2010
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#6 of 7 Old 10-25-2006, 06:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I guess I'm just surprised that she shows no interest in being there for the surgical consult. Yes, I'm thrilled that she trusts me enough to handle this situation and take charge of DD1's medical care. I was just a bit put-off that she doesn't care if she's involved in the whole process.

Sounds like you all think this is nothing, so I'll forget about it and just be glad I get to make decisions for our daughter.

Sarah - Mama to Vic (1/19/00), Syd (4/06/02) Sam (4/20/06-born at 30wk2d), JackJack (2/14/07) and Charlie (4/30/10)
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#7 of 7 Old 10-26-2006, 12:06 AM
 
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I'm with you on the apathy you're getting from BM. Maybe it has something to do with our experiences concerning the doctors, specialists and the medical community? I know when my dd had surgeries, I called her BF panicked and expected him to drop everthing to be there for her but he didn't. I was actually shocked.

Mabe BM doesn't understand the risks and seriousness of any surgery and views this as just another proceedure? Anyway, I'm glad you'll be with your SD. You're probably the best 'qualified' to take her- and she'll appreciate your love and support.
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