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#1 of 24 Old 10-29-2006, 06:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I need some advice from some of yall...

Here is the story: My husband has a daughter from a previous relationship. The DDs mother is well..not really easy to get along with. She is making everything in mine and my husbands life absolutely miserable. Her and her friends are constantly downing me and my husband and to be honest, it is getting really old. She has denied him to see the DD for his past 2 visits just because he did not show up for some because of work. She acted a little insane that last time we went there to try to get her. Hollering and all that. I am about fed up with this situation.

Has anyone ever dealt with a situation like this? And if so, please offer me some helpful advice.
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#2 of 24 Old 10-29-2006, 07:23 PM
 
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Hmmmmmm.

How long have you been with your husband? How long did you know him before that? Is there any possibility, any possibility at all in the world, that she might have a reason to be angry with him, and for her friends to dislike him?

I'm not saying that any of these things would make it right for her to yell at him, or deny him visits with his dd. But are you so very absolutely sure that the only reason she is denying him visits is because he didn't show up for some visits due to work? And, how did he handle that situation? Did he call and tell the mom and the dd that he wasn't able to come, or did he actually "not show up" for the visits?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that maybe, it's not all her? It rarely is. You know the old saying, "there are two sides to every story"?
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#3 of 24 Old 10-29-2006, 07:48 PM
 
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Hmm, it's interesting that when there's "baby daddy drama" no one thinks to mention that there are 2 sides, they just show support. Indeed, any mention of "another side" is quickly quashed. Saying "Maybe there's a reason nobody likes your husband" really isn't helpful.

But, that is neither here nor there.

Is there a court ordered visitation schedule in place? Does it allow the mother to deny visitation if the father misses certain visits? (This would be highly unusual.) If she is denying the father visitation, she is in contempt. Your husband should go to court and file a complaint for contempt. If the mother is found to be in comtempt, she will often be forced to pay your husband's attorney's fees. Even if you cannot afford an attorney, go to the courthouse, they often have an "Attorney of the Day" who will help fill out the forms, etc.

Even if he didn't show up for visits, the remedy is not to deny future visits. That is contempt of the order, and not a smart thing for the mother to do. Here in Mass., the tides are turning, and that can often make the judge order a change in custody to the other parent.

As for her friends, I don't know how close you live to them, you probably live pretty close if they are making your life difficult, but there isn't anything you can do about their behavior. You can only choose how you react to it. Frankly, anyone who continues to dwell on their ex's behavior and have their friends talk about you really needs to get a life and move on.

Your husband needs to get to court ASAP. If the mother is being difficult during the transfers, see if you can get an order for a third party to be an intermediary.
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#4 of 24 Old 10-29-2006, 09:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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He pays his child support on time, every time. He also calls and lets her know when he will not make it for a visit, and even tells her why he wont make it.

The visitation rights are in writing. They did go to court. But it says no where in those papers that she can deny him visits. They never had a "relationship" just well...you know. She wanted more with him, whereas, he didnt. So she is probably a little bitter about that. So I really feel she will do anything she can to make his life miserable.

I do ignore her and her friends. She is not going to ruin my life.
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#5 of 24 Old 10-30-2006, 07:38 AM
 
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Okay. From what I'm hearing, your dh slept with a woman who believed that he did, or could, love her and that a relationship was on the cards. From that, a child was born. To be honest, if I had a kid in those circumstances it would take a lot for me to believe that the father was anything other than a total cad, in any way capable of committing to my child, and every single time he puts work in front of that kid then he shows- clearly- that he still doesn't get what parenthood is. You simply can't cancel your kids because something- even work- comes up and as a mother I'd expect you to know that. Some of this- maybe even a lot of this- your dh brought upon himself.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't go back to court, but it does mean that you should treat her with gentleness and compassion. The woman has a point.

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#6 of 24 Old 10-30-2006, 10:21 AM
 
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Originally Posted by hairstylist View Post
He pays his child support on time, every time. He also calls and lets her know when he will not make it for a visit, and even tells her why he wont make it.

The visitation rights are in writing. They did go to court. But it says no where in those papers that she can deny him visits. They never had a "relationship" just well...you know. She wanted more with him, whereas, he didnt. So she is probably a little bitter about that. So I really feel she will do anything she can to make his life miserable.

I do ignore her and her friends. She is not going to ruin my life.
If they are in writing, he needs to go to Court ASAP. She is in contempt. She is not allowed to deny him visitation. Yes, she will try to make his life miserable, but the Court can make her life miserable if she continues to deny visitation. Go to Court! This is not a situation where the parties can resolve this between themselves.
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#7 of 24 Old 10-30-2006, 10:46 AM
 
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Okay. From what I'm hearing, your dh slept with a woman who believed that he did, or could, love her and that a relationship was on the cards. From that, a child was born. To be honest, if I had a kid in those circumstances it would take a lot for me to believe that the father was anything other than a total cad, in any way capable of committing to my child, and every single time he puts work in front of that kid then he shows- clearly- that he still doesn't get what parenthood is. You simply can't cancel your kids because something- even work- comes up and as a mother I'd expect you to know that. Some of this- maybe even a lot of this- your dh brought upon himself.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't go back to court, but it does mean that you should treat her with gentleness and compassion. The woman has a point.
How is he a total cad? In real life not working means not paying the bills, which might mean no child support. Not being able to show up on time for visitation isn't always being a cad. He should try his best but at the same time she needs to be understanding if she wants her child support. Many of us mom's had to put work before our children also because there are bills to pay, that doesn't make us horrible. It makes it real life. It also doesn't give her a right to yell and belittle the dad infront of the child. If she is looking out for the child's best intrest she wouldn't be denying visitation this way because she could very well loose the child.

Not all women are "reasonable". We had a guy that brought his dd up to work show her off. Babymama called and heard womens voices. She drove up accused him of everything in the world and tried to take the baby. She then got arrested for assualt because our store cop (we are a police substation and almost always have a police officer in the store). All this is becuase she heard women in the back ground. She knew he was showing their baby off in a middle of a hardware store she lives a stone throw away from.

In the pass many men gave up there rights becuase they didn't want that drama in their kids life. They thought they were doing the right thing by staying away. Times are changing. And people shouldn't assume that the guy is always at fault and bad. You need to research into denying visitation and parent alienation. These are real issues that we need to be aware of to better protect ourselves because this crap has and does happen to women and as more joint custody cases, sole custody goes to men women will have more of these issues. I always want to barf when I hear a woman doesn't have custody and people assume there is something wrong with her becuase she lost custody.....here is no different.

If there is a court order in place then you need to call the police immediately. Even if he isn't paying child support it is illegal for her to withhold visitation.
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#8 of 24 Old 10-30-2006, 01:51 PM
 
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No real advice, other than to get to court soon - if he's following the decree, and she's violating it, hopefully the courts can help. In our area, they encourage you to call the police if you are denied court ordered visitation. Often, the police can "encourage" (not force) the other parent to hand over the child, but if not, they atleast write a report to document the refusal (so it's not a he said-she said thing.)

To the other poster, who (essentially) said that the father was putting work before his child... I'm not certain where you work, but there are times when work *has* to come first... both my dh and my ex-h are military, and there have been countless times where they have both been called in ("recalled") sometimes as early as 4 am, and it has interferred w/ visitation or other plans, and we deal with it. Last Christmas, my ex was called in to turn off an alarm on his way to my house w/ my ds... of course, he was late returning ds to me - ON CHRISTMAS DAY! Did I get po'ed? No... ex didnt' exactly have a choice, ya know? The Christmas before, my dh was called in on Christmas for a water leak... Next year, their jobs will separate us, likely by 1/2 the globe. Does that give me the right to get po'ed, to accuse either of them (dh or ex) of being bad parents, for putting work before parenting?

The way I see it, they do these things because they are both *good* responsible parents. If ex told his boss that he couldn't stay late on a visit day, he could (worse case scenerio) get court-martialed & loose his job, and then he wouldn't be able to pay child support, and ds's way of life would go down the toilet. So... would I rather ex call me to tell me "sorry, I've got to work late, can I call later and work it so I can take ds to the park tomorrow or something?" YES! Far more responsible than skipping out on work.

Our work situation is different than most, of course.

This post hit a nerve with me, sorry. Everybody just needs to think of what's best for the child, and the baby's mama is not doing that. That really sucks, because it's the little one who is suffering.
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#9 of 24 Old 10-30-2006, 02:03 PM
 
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Okay. From what I'm hearing, your dh slept with a woman who believed that he did, or could, love her and that a relationship was on the cards. From that, a child was born. To be honest, if I had a kid in those circumstances it would take a lot for me to believe that the father was anything other than a total cad,
Why?
Years ago, I knew a guy who broke up with his girlfriend. They had a great sex life (she told me all about it), but they weren't compatible and it was not a good relationship. She was also insanely possessive and clingy. After the breakup, she hung around his house all night...sitting on the street corner, throwing rocks at his window...and did her level best to seduce him back into a relationship. They eventually did get back into a "sex only" thing for a while, and he was very clear that that's what it was. When he finally figured out that she wasn't okay with that, despite saying that she was, he broke it off again. She continued to hang around his house, phone him constantly, etc. When he got a new girlfriend, she'd hang around outside the girlfriend's place, and meet him at his truck with pleas to take her back. She left love notes under his windshield wipers. She also eventually got pregnant with a baby that she claimed was his - but wouldn't have paternity tests done.

Okay - that was long. My only point is that I don't think it was very admirable of this guy to get involved in a sex only thing with an ex...but I certainly wouldn't call him a cad, just because she couldn't let go of her belief that great sex meant love everlasting. He didn't lie to her - he didn't mislead her - he wasn't a cad. They just wanted different things.

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#10 of 24 Old 10-30-2006, 03:43 PM
 
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Yeah, I just picked up on that.

My brother (who is in Afghanistan, btw) had a "friend w/ benefits" get pg last yr. She had a son in Feb & refused to do a paternity test. Eventually, the state ordered one (twas positive), and she went to court for support payments and got TONS of money because he's getting combat pay, etc.

Anyway, my brother hasn't even met this child, but sends his cs, calls, writes, etc. He bought him a Britax Marathon carseat ($270) because I said it was the best, an $80 snow suit, etc, and is making sure his son has the best that he can do, even if he can't be there. When he does FINALLY get to go home, supposably next yr (after 15-18 months of being in Afghanistan) he fully wants to be involved in this childs life. He turned down a 150k job to be stay closer to this child.

Just because it wasn't a serious or good relationship, doesn't mean he can't be a seriously good father.
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#11 of 24 Old 10-30-2006, 05:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Okay. From what I'm hearing, your dh slept with a woman who believed that he did, or could, love her and that a relationship was on the cards. From that, a child was born. To be honest, if I had a kid in those circumstances it would take a lot for me to believe that the father was anything other than a total cad, in any way capable of committing to my child, and every single time he puts work in front of that kid then he shows- clearly- that he still doesn't get what parenthood is. You simply can't cancel your kids because something- even work- comes up and as a mother I'd expect you to know that. Some of this- maybe even a lot of this- your dh brought upon himself.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't go back to court, but it does mean that you should treat her with gentleness and compassion. The woman has a point.

Exactly how is he being a cad? Its is either him take off of work to spend time with dd or stay and make money for child support. If he doesnt pay child support, then he could go to jail, lose his license, etc.
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#12 of 24 Old 10-30-2006, 06:10 PM
 
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Two issues:
1) The fact that this woman believed that they were in a relationship. Call it taking advantage, call it what you will, but she wanted a real emotional commitment and he wanted- and got- sex, according to the OP. Cad is one word that you could use for men like that- but yeah, I've had one-night stands and casual relationships where I didn't understand the score or worse, was lied to, and it hurt like hell and I hated them afterwards. Having a child from them would have crippled me emotionally.
And I believe that you do what's necessary to fit your work in around your children. I know the US doesn't have family-friendly legislation yet, but honestly, if you make a commitment to your child that you'll be there at such and such a time, that comes first. If his employer is threatening him with dismissal if he doesn't work overtime or change his shifts at short notice then I'd consult a lawyer, because he may have a case for sexual discrimination.

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#13 of 24 Old 10-30-2006, 06:50 PM
 
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Well, I'll be sure to tell my dh, my ex-h & brother that they should be calling their lawyers to sue the U.S. government (their employer) for sexual discrimination.

Brother should be able to get pretty far. After all, his employer not only kept him from the birth of his 1st born, but has caused him to miss a bunch of visitation. Time & suffering should be phenomenal.

I guess my neighbor who was given 6 weeks after birth to lose all of her baby weight before she was shipped out (to Iraq) when baby was only 2 months old should sue too.

In an ideal world, we'd all have perfect shifts that never varied. Schedules would never change, tires would never go flat, accidents would never happen, and we'd all be on time. But those things happen, and children need to learn to be flexible as much as the rest of us.

On the other hand, ex-h (or wife) was supposed to call me over the weekend to arrange to have extra time tonight for pumpkin carving, trick or treating at grandmas, etc, and he hasn't. With less than 5 hrs to bedtime, THAT is irresponsible.
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#14 of 24 Old 10-30-2006, 11:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I will be sure to tell my DH to tell his boss that he can not work the hours he is scheduled because he has to see his DD. And in the end, when he goes to jail for not being able to pay child support, I will be sure to tell him to sue the government.

And the girl he had the DD with knew from day one that all he wanted was well---sex. And she knew what she was getting herself into. I am not saying it is her fault completely because we all know it takes two to tango. But she should not keep DD from seeing her dad just because she is feeling bitter towards him.

She was fine with everything and never acted this way until I came into the picture and got pregnant. She has no reason to hate me or act the way she does towards me. I have been nothing but nice and mature towards her about the whole situation. I treat her DD like she is my very own when she comes into my home. She didnt like the fact that she was going to have to accept me being in her DDs life. I would call to check on her DD when she was sick and she would tell me that she is none of my business..When I really feel she is since she does come into my home. Know what I mean?
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#15 of 24 Old 10-30-2006, 11:22 PM
 
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1. she cannot refuse visitation. we have actually taken the court papers escorted with an officer to 'pick up' our son. also she may lose some rights when you go back to court and because she is in contempt she could also be held responsible for court costs.

2. if the child is old enough she could be served for custodial interference if she is talking negative about you in front of the child.

3. everything else is tit for tat, ignore it, don't respond to it, don't lower yourself to her standards. she's looking for a reaction, she's looking for attention in the wrong places and she is obviously not happy. until she learns to take responsibiltiy for herself she will blame someone close to her, which is her baby's daddy. pity her.
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#16 of 24 Old 10-31-2006, 12:18 AM
 
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Two issues:
1) The fact that this woman believed that they were in a relationship.
Where did the OP say that? If true, I agree that he was a cad, but I didn't see anywhere that the OP said that's what happened.

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#17 of 24 Old 10-31-2006, 12:24 AM
 
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She has no reason to hate me or act the way she does towards me. I have been nothing but nice and mature towards her about the whole situation. I treat her DD like she is my very own when she comes into my home. She didnt like the fact that she was going to have to accept me being in her DDs life. I would call to check on her DD when she was sick and she would tell me that she is none of my business..When I really feel she is since she does come into my home. Know what I mean?

Your signature belies what you just wrote.... if you really "treat her like she is your very own" then you would be a family of four...


Not to be a bitch... but just wanted to point out the somewhat obvious...
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#18 of 24 Old 10-31-2006, 12:34 AM
 
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Two issues:
1) The fact that this woman believed that they were in a relationship. ..... I've had one-night stands and casual relationships where I didn't understand the score or worse, was lied to, and it hurt like hell and I hated them afterwards. Having a child from them would have crippled me emotionally.
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Where did the OP say that? If true, I agree that he was a cad, but I didn't see anywhere that the OP said that's what happened.
Even if the woman believed they were in a relationship doesn't make the guy a cad. I've known several women who think they're in for happily-ever-after, when the guy they're hearing wedding bells about has been completely up front that that's not where things are headed.

Flapjack, it has certainly gotten pretty obvious that you've had some bad experiences with men in general and exes in particular - but you need to remember that any time you paint an entire group of people with that wide of a brush, you're going to be wrong. Not every bio-dad is a jerk who abadoned his kid for greener pastures. Not every bio-dad is the root of all evil - or even wrong in every instance.
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#19 of 24 Old 10-31-2006, 12:44 AM
 
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Back off of Hellen, this is not an area for personal attacks... which this feels like to me, and I am not Hellen... (flapJack)


She is not painting any one group or another.... The OP stated that she needed advice, and Hellen just mentioned where the "other woman"might be coming from.
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#20 of 24 Old 10-31-2006, 01:49 AM
 
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Your signature belies what you just wrote.... if you really "treat her like she is your very own" then you would be a family of four...


Not to be a bitch... but just wanted to point out the somewhat obvious...
I don't have my stepkids (all five of them) listed in my siggy either. I guess that makes me a bad person too, huh?

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#21 of 24 Old 11-01-2006, 01:51 PM
 
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Holly, I am in a very similar situation. Same state, even. I would be happy to tell you more about it. PM me if you would like to chat about it.

We are constantly denied visits for no other reason than they "have other plans". They continue to "have other plans" because my sdd is "uncomfortable being here" because of our "sinful lifestyle" - translation: we are not christian and they are.:

We're to the point of taking her back to court if she doesn't stop it. Document everything. There is no excuse for denial of visitation. That order is in place because your dh's relationship with the child is just as important as the BM's relationship with your dh's money. Also, the child needs a relationship with her dad just as much as she needs her mom. There's no excuse for that.

I wonder all the time if this will ever change. Sometimes it appears that it will, most of the time not so much. LOL Believe me, I will be counting the minutes for the next 6 years until we're totally free of the BM's bullsh1t.

I don't have my step daughter listed in my signature either.
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#22 of 24 Old 11-01-2006, 01:57 PM
 
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I have a step mom and dad and I hope neither one of them put me in their siggies!
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#23 of 24 Old 11-01-2006, 02:42 PM
 
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Even if the woman believed they were in a relationship doesn't make the guy a cad. I've known several women who think they're in for happily-ever-after, when the guy they're hearing wedding bells about has been completely up front that that's not where things are headed.
Oh, yeah - I've seen that several times, too. I really meant that he was a cad if he deliberately let her think that he was interested in a real relationship when he only wanted sex. My post wasn't clear.

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#24 of 24 Old 11-01-2006, 06:11 PM
 
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This seems like one of those situations were if the parents were married, the action would seem acceptable, and because they're not, he (though happens to she's, too) is horrible. For example, my dad (parents married)used to flake on me all the time (forget to pick me up from school, get caught up at work) and though it was annoying, no one every tried to deny him access to me! Parents get more slack when they are married, and I try to keep this in mind when dealing with exes. (ie, I think, if they were married would this be forgivable?)

Anyway, a couple of times, dh tried to deny the biomom visitation and she showed up with the cops. What recourse do you have if she violates the agreement? It's not up to her to change the visitation agreement, it's up to a judge or you both do it in mediation.
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