father of the year...rant - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 9 Old 10-30-2006, 01:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Our oldest son won a city wide soccer championship yesterday Twas very cool. His team was undefeated, so this was not too much of a surprise. But where was his father?


He asked me a couple of times if his dad was here yet, and threw the biggest fit I have seen after the game. He is almost ten, with add and some other basic self esteem issues. Being on this team has done wonders for his self esteem. Today we have had melt down after melt down this morning... so much so that we are home. I feel like all the good that came from part of a winning team, from being PART of something great was dashed into dust because his father chose not to be a part of it.

Why does his father think that attending things like a championship games, parent teacher conferences and iEP meetings are not something he has to do? Why would he not WANT to do them. Okay PTC are a PITA, especially for a mom that is in the school every week talking to his teachers, but to be able to watch your son EXCELL at a very challenging sport is amazing.

To his credit, my husband has stepped up and done all of these things with him, he takes him to soccer practice, they do "guy" time in the garage, usually making something. As wonderful as his everyday dad is, this poor boy is still looking for the interaction with his father.
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#2 of 9 Old 10-30-2006, 02:11 PM
 
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I'm sorry.

My ex isn't even in the picture. DS1 hasn't seen him since last Christmas Eve, and that was only because my ex showed up at his sister's (ds1's aunt) place for a free meal. DS1 didn't even know he'd be there. Before that, it was New Year's Day. While I'm just as glad to have my ex out of our lives, it's been really hard for ds1 to understand that the dad he had for his first seven years of life chose to simply disappear.

I don't know how long you've been split or anything, but if it helps - ds1 has mostly adjusted to hid dad's crap. He's got a loving, wonderful, engaged stepfather, who takes an interest in his life. As time's gone on, he's begun to understand that dh chose to get involved with us, not just me...that he knew ds1 when we got married, and wanted him as a stepson. It's taken a long time (they hit it off right from the start, though), but ds1 doesn't mourn his dad like he used to. It's never going to go away, but it's something he's learned to live with and more-or-less to accept.

Your poor ds doesn't deserve this crap. I hope he understands, someday, if not now, that this is his father's issue, not his. DS1 doesn't look for interaction with his father, anymore, because he knows he's not going to get it.

Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) ribboncesarean.gif, Emma (5/03) ribboncesarean.gif, Evan (7/05) ribboncesarean.gif, & Jenna (6/09) ribboncesarean.gif
Loving my amazing dh, James & forever missing ribbonpb.gif Aaron Ambrose ribboncesarean.gif (11/07) ribbonpb.gif

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#3 of 9 Old 10-30-2006, 06:01 PM
 
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Oh, mama, that stinks. I'm so sorry for you and yours.

Helen mum to five and mistress of mess and mayhem, making merry and mischief til the sun goes down.
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#4 of 9 Old 11-02-2006, 06:38 PM
 
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i have two dd's by previous marriage and their SD is a lot like what you are describing. maybe even worse. when they were younger they would not hear from him for months, one time he went 17 months. he never attended school programs, ball games, confrences, recitals or any other event that i attended with great pride for my dd's. my oldest dd is 18 her sister is 16. the 18 yo is more resentful of his neglect than the 16 yo. when we ordered graduation invitations and we did a tally of who we would send invitations and senior pictures to i wrote down her father and she scratched him out. i asked her why and she said he would not come any way and he has never done anything to help us growing up so why should i share this with him it is my triumph. i do not speak badly of ex but will not lie for him either when he broke promises i made him tell them or when he did not show up etc.. i always told dd's that it was not them and that it was his lose. i never drew attention to his neglect but they figured out on their own that he had not been a great parent. they also have figured out as older children that he never paid the support that the court ordered. i do not actively pursue this simply because it angers me and i do not need it to provide decent life for dd's but i think my daughter wonders why he never did his part. i have talked with her and told her that she needed to love her father "warts and all" but as an almost grown woman she has her own veiws and i will not tell her they are wrong. i know this is not really incouraging and i am sorry but it is the way it went with mine but on the plus side both dd's are responsible reliable mature wonderful people and neither seem to have any big emotional issues with the whole absent parent thing so maybe your dc will grow out of some of the hurt and realize that it is not his fault that his father is not taking an active interest. i think some people just do not handle parenthood well
also my father was a sort of serogate father in a pinch (father daughter dances, brownie stuff etc..) which i know helped. i would like to send your dc a big hug and hopefully this will pass for him quickly!!
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#5 of 9 Old 11-02-2006, 08:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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He seems fine today, and thanks.

99% of the time I am okay with their biodad stepping out of the picture like he has... It bothers me most when he misses the "big" everyday things, but insists that he has them at Xmas, thanksgiving, and the like. It bothers me that he somehow thinks he is a good daddy to *his* children when he is never with them.... AND I love how he thinks it is my fault that he never sees them, cause I *make* them play sports.


That is I think the worst of the blended/step/divorced parenting... do you let your kids be *normal* kids, playing soccer,basketball,participating in afterschool/weekends activities at the risk of them spending less time with NCP? or do you keep them out of these core, well rounded human activities because the NCP *might* actually keep a visitation schedule that is reasonable.


Since July 1, the children's father has had only 17 overnights.... and that includes the *family* vacation they took with him, and the relatively free time of summer vacation.
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#6 of 9 Old 11-02-2006, 08:52 PM
 
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I'm so sorry, hun. That's despicable.

I don't understand not only how a father would choose not to be involved with his kids, but also, how any woman could marry a man who would just drop his kids like that.

Dh and I can't WAIT until the girls start playing sports, so that we CAN be there every weekend. And yes, we're the NCPs. I get antsy when we have to go a whole week without seeing the girls, and I squeal just as loudly as they do when I pick them up from school after that week, and then we jibber jabber a mile a minute about what happened the week we didn't see each other. I miss them so much my heart aches.

I simply can not fathom why any adult would be alright/want to be in a relationship with another adult who won't even attend his child's soccer game, let alone be there all the time.

I really am just so sorry that your poor baby is going through this.

Sarah - Mama to Vic (1/19/00), Syd (4/06/02) Sam (4/20/06-born at 30wk2d), JackJack (2/14/07) and Charlie (4/30/10)
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#7 of 9 Old 11-02-2006, 08:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I have been driving around allweek with a box in the back of my car...:
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#8 of 9 Old 11-03-2006, 09:52 PM
 
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LMAO. No worries. In fact, why don't you hold off for two weeks and I'll pm you our new address? We're moving the last two weeks of November and will be permanently in our new house on Dec. 1. Saves me from having to move one more box.

Sarah - Mama to Vic (1/19/00), Syd (4/06/02) Sam (4/20/06-born at 30wk2d), JackJack (2/14/07) and Charlie (4/30/10)
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#9 of 9 Old 11-04-2006, 02:16 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Tay!:
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