HI, I'm new here and looking for any input, support, unbiased opinion. I have a 5 year old son. 2 years ago I met a wonderful man who has a beautiful 5 year old daughter. He lived about 30 miles away so on the weekends and on my days off I would stay at his house. After about 6 months of dating I introduced him to my son. Everything was wonderful. The background with FSD's mother: she is absolutely horrible. Examples: she would never see her, say she was on her way to pick her up and arrive 1-6 hours late, she doesn't feed her, left her home alone forcing her to go to the neighbor's house for food and to sleep, has been caught shoplifting, leaves her alone in stores, would not take her to school when she kept her overnight, kidnapped her for 10 days and returned her with bronchitis and had not taken her to the doctor or given her medicine, lived in 8 different places in 4 years, got 5 different pets and consistently lies to her about them being in training school when really she's gotten rid of them. I could go on forever.
My son and I moved in with them about 6 months ago and I finally persuaded my bf to go for custody, we won and her mother is allowed to see her 4 hours a week and every other weekend. Because I had to relocate and left my job my bf suggested that I take some time off of work to be with the kids, of course, I graciously accepted. The last 6 months have been hell. FSD's behavior is absolutely unbearable. She lies CONSTANTLY. I can look right at her while she is doing something she shouldn't and she will lie and say she isnt' doing anything. She is constantly in trouble at school, refuses to do homework or even eat for me. Even if I give her cake or candy she will literally take an hour to eat it just to spite me. She will not play with my son only being rude to him. She screams at me, throws temper tantrums when I ask her to do the smallest things. She also has a problem with hygiene. When she would go to the bathroom she refused to wipe, after explaining why it was so important she finally began to, only to throw the toilet paper on the floor. After begging and pleading she not do that I began to find it hidden throughout the house.
My bf commutes and works long hours, so I am alone with both kids from breakfast until bedtime. When he comes home and I try to explain what is going on without bursting into tears he accuses me of hating FSD and says there is nothing he can do about it. I have tried, what I feel, to be everything in the book. I began with timeouts, taking away toys, going to bed early, no snacks. Didn't fase her in the slightest. I tried kindness, explaining, pleading, doesn't care. I got a sticker board 4 months ago to reward her for positive behavior, once it's full she gets a toy. Still, she doesn't even try. Her behavior is the same when her father is home and he ignores it. I expect a lot from my son and he is very well behaved, but recently it has taken a toll on him and he's trying to get away with things and has begun lying to me.
Leaving my support system 30 miles away I tried asking his family for advice, their suggestions are to let her do whatever she wants and that I'm too hard on her. My problem is I love her and want to see her become a well rounded person, I can only imagine how she will grow up if she's never taught there are consequences for negative behavior. I have begged my bf to get her counseling, but like everyone in the family he refuses to see there are terrible emotional issues going on with her. I feel like the whole problem is my fault. I love my bf and fsd so much, but don't want to live my whole life feeling isolated, unsupported, and completely responsible for everything that goes on. I can't be her mother and father. I must do what's best for my son and is that to subject him to her behavior and by being completely ignored by bf? Sorry, so long. I'm so depressed and feel so alone. Any help would be appreciated more than I could ever express!!!