More Visitaion/Custody - Page 4 - Mothering Forums

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#91 of 101 Old 11-15-2006, 06:22 PM
 
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I pray my DS never has a step-mom who treats me (by calling me names) or him with such utter disdain. I feel sorry for that kid an all counts. I feel sorry for the OP, who has no business being a step-parent. It takes a special person to love and accept a kid that is not your own, and I hope all of our children are lucky enough to find that one day.
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#92 of 101 Old 11-15-2006, 06:34 PM
 
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Alot of people hate their ex's. Alot of people hate their friends ex's.

My sis boyfriend cheated on her. I will call him every name in the book after she tells me the horrible things he did to her. B/c I love and am loyal to my sis. Should I not? Am I a horrible person for doing so? Thats exactly what happens in a relationship! You meet someone, they tell you about their bad ex you say, omg, you poor thing that girl/guy was a jerk! Can anyone see the parallel? Why does being a biomom exclude you from being hated? I can only imagine what my ex has told his wife. I'm sure she hates me. I'm sure she calls me sooo many nasty things to her friends, family maybe even online. But she doesnt say it to my kid or to me, so really, I dont care. Man, if she wasnt loyal like that to her dh frankly, I'd be worried. I'm not so full of myself that I demand that she love me. Goodness.

I'm just sooo confused how op coming on a online board to vent and get frustrations out means she shouldnt be a step parent?

Really, unless you walked a mile, heck, even 2 feet in ANYONES shoes, stop judging! Or is it okay to only judge stepmoms? Right, I guess here it is. :

Man, remember how annoying it was when you're pregnant and have really bad morning sickness and you're complaining and some moron always has the nerve to say, "well, you're the one who wanted to have a baby!" So, please, its the same thing telling someone to stop griping about the difficulties living in a blended family - "well, you married a man with kids".......
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#93 of 101 Old 11-15-2006, 06:39 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by *caitlinsmom* View Post
Let me tell you, the non custodial parent who pays CS is getting off easy!
I definately disagree. The custodial parent gets to see their cute faces each night before bed, gets to see their everyday growth, gets to see how excited they are when they get out of school, comfort them when they have nightmares, build a closer relationship because they have more time with the child... especially in my case where my step child lives states away. No amount of money on Earth is worth missing all of that. Not to mention all of the other horrible things the non custodial parent has to go through which I posted in an earlier post on page 4.
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#94 of 101 Old 11-15-2006, 06:44 PM
 
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You don't like the idea of this child interloping in your ideal, fantasy-la la land of the happy little "family of 3". It comes out loud and clear in your posts. I am not saying it to be mean. I would probably not like it, either, which is why I married a single man with no ex and no children. You should be more selective on who you marry if you don't want the baggage of SKs and Exes.If his pay doesn't support you and pay his child support, I suppose you better find a way to help support your family. I am not saying your child doesn't deserve a SAHP, but if you cannot do it, you cannot do it. Maybe it isn't right that the BioM isn't working, but neither are you. Why is his child any less worthy of a SAHP than yours is?

I really, really hope you change your mind about some things before it is YOU some other woman is griping about someday, or before that child realizes your resentment.

Bolding mine:
So you admit that theres baggage with ex's and skids? You admit its difficult. Personally, I dont see the happy family of 3 clearly in her posts. I see a frustrated woman who's having a hard time deal. People jumping on her only make her get her back up more. Do I agree with everything she's said? No. Or done? No. But its hard and she's right, support her and help her to be an awesome sparent. Putting her down (especially from people who really have no idea-not attacking you personally) doesnt help.
Like I asked her, do you (general you) want to be right, or do you want this situation to get better?

In these situations everyone thinks they "know" about the other side. NC get off easy; bmom is money hungry; when really its not black and white like that, is it? Many, many shades of grey.
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#95 of 101 Old 11-15-2006, 08:05 PM
 
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Bolding mine:
So you admit that theres baggage with ex's and skids? You admit its difficult. Personally, I dont see the happy family of 3 clearly in her posts. I see a frustrated woman who's having a hard time deal. People jumping on her only make her get her back up more. Do I agree with everything she's said? No. Or done? No. But its hard and she's right, support her and help her to be an awesome sparent. Putting her down (especially from people who really have no idea-not attacking you personally) doesnt help.
Like I asked her, do you (general you) want to be right, or do you want this situation to get better?

In these situations everyone thinks they "know" about the other side. NC get off easy; bmom is money hungry; when really its not black and white like that, is it? Many, many shades of grey.

Okay, I am not a Step Mom. But, I had a step mom who resented the heck out of me and my bro and sis. It sucks rocks, big time. My Stepfather, on the other hand, was wonderful. (He has been dead about 9 yrs) But, he had a very young daughter (me and my sibs were all grown by then~she was a late in life child for SD) who sometimes drove Mom nuts. But, mom never ever said a thing about it and made sure the child was taken care of, along with StepDad.

I am sorry to have "attacked" the OP. But, I don't think this situation will get any better, unless the OP decides to let go of some of the more petty things, like paying for the child's food, and just get on with it. Otherwise, this kid is going to sense the resentment. She did not ask to be born. It just burns me when I see someone asking if the Biomom should pay for the child's food at her house. It just rubbed me the wrong way.
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#96 of 101 Old 11-15-2006, 08:24 PM
 
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Hairstylist, just because some people don't agree with you, doesn't mean we haven't been there. I probably could have written your post 5 years ago. But I got over the anger. Those who are telling you that aren't in fairytale land, they made a decision to not live with anger, to not be petty and make a happy life for their families. You just sound like a new stepmom like many of us sounded years ago. This ex bugs you, but she will ALWAYS be there. Even after the child is 18. My dad's exwife is still around, 30 years after my parents married because now my dad, my mom and his exwife and her new hubbie and all GRANDPARENTS. Do you want to still be angry with her when you are grandmother to your stepdaughter's children???

The woman does not always get money or custody. Plenty of women on this board are custodial stepmoms. Our dhs have custody. Why doesn't your dh have more? We were never in the situation because my dh demanded 50% custody or more from the day they broke up. Go to court and get more custody/vistation. Just do it.
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#97 of 101 Old 11-15-2006, 08:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Today my dh called to let her know that he would be by to get dsd at 6:00, since it is Wednesday and his day to get her. Even though she know its his day, she gets angry when he just shows up without a phone call. She told him that dsd was sick that she had to take her to the doctor on Monday and to the ER last night. So he asked her "arent you supposed to let me know when you take her to the doctor and to the emergency room?" She replied with, "No its not my responsibility. You should call to check on your daughter more often." Once again, it is written that either parent consult with the childs health, meaning when dsd is sick etc. He could still get dsd since it is his day but he is not going to for the simple fact that she is "sick". But I feel like she could at least call and say I am taking olivia to the er, you can come up there if you would like because she is sick. He may want to be there at the hospital to check on her and see what is going on. Know what I mean?

Some of you will reply with, "its not her responsibility to call and let him know" but when its pretty late at night, why would he just call out of the blue to check on her?
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#98 of 101 Old 11-15-2006, 08:48 PM
 
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Yeah, that's irresponsible of her. Of course she should tell him. She's withholding information to annoy you both. Why not schedule a mediation session or talk to a lawyer?
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#99 of 101 Old 11-15-2006, 09:08 PM
 
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It sounds irresponsible all around.

I know that I *try* to tell my former spouse what is going on with the kids. Sometimes it is late, sometimes I am tired and overwhelmed, sometimes he does not pick up the phone. SOMETIMES, I have been so overwhelmed with all the drama, that I just don't have the energy to "clue him in," especially if it means we will just end up in another fight.

What I do know, is that when I finally learned to let the small shit slide, I learned that it is all small shit. I am so much happier now that I DON"T expect my former spouse to pay what he should, or do what he should..I end up being pleasantly shocked when he does do the right thing.
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#100 of 101 Old 11-15-2006, 09:26 PM
 
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Originally Posted by hairstylist View Post
She told him that dsd was sick that she had to take her to the doctor on Monday and to the ER last night. So he asked her "arent you supposed to let me know when you take her to the doctor and to the emergency room?" She replied with, "No its not my responsibility. You should call to check on your daughter more often." Once again, it is written that either parent consult with the childs health, meaning when dsd is sick etc.
She is certainly being difficult in this matter. I, personally, do not call my dd's father when she is sick or when I take her to the doctor. I don't do it because of his response to my calls and "updates" in the past. He is just not interested in her day-to-day health. His actual words. I do call him when we head to the ER but each time he just wants me to call him and let him know what happens- like if she gets admitted or not. Even when she's been admitted he hasn't come to visit her. I still call and let him know. I assume your DH would go to the ER to see his dd (or he has in the past?) so BM should have called to tell him. She should've called him anyway.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hairstylist View Post
He could still get dsd since it is his day but he is not going to for the simple fact that she is "sick". But I feel like she could at least call and say I am taking olivia to the er, you can come up there if you would like because she is sick. He may want to be there at the hospital to check on her and see what is going on. Know what I mean?

Some of you will reply with, "its not her responsibility to call and let him know" but when its pretty late at night, why would he just call out of the blue to check on her?
Well, it IS her responsibility to let him know when his dd is receiving emergency care. DD is in her care and it's her responsibility to let the other parent know. Period. If dd were in DH's care and she required a trip to the ER your DH would be responsible to call her.

I really try to approach my X with the mentality of always acting in the manner that I would hope to be treated in the same situation. I'm not always successful but each time I try a little harder and get a little better. It's hard to keep the child in front when emotions are running high but it is always our ultimate goal, right? Something that all of us in a blended situation should think about more often.
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#101 of 101 Old 11-15-2006, 09:58 PM
 
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We may not have it all together, but together we have it all
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