wwyd? inappropriate family involvement - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 13 Old 11-15-2006, 02:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm not sure where to post this but this seemed the best spot for now. My situation is a bit complicated perhaps, so I hope I don't confuse you. In late 2004 my ex (who I was never married to) was arrested in his state by my state for cs arrearage. It wasn't much, but enough for them to be able to cross state lines. He agree to sign off his rights so my DH could do a step parent adoption - which we haven't been able to do yet due to lack of funds - we have to feed 8 kids so it kind of took back burner for now. Anyway, my ex has only met my DD once in her life. She's nearly 14 and he met her when she was six. All I had asked previously of him was that if he was not planning on being involved as much as he could (he was out of state) that he just leave her be until he could be involved as I didn't want her confused and hurt. He decided when she was six that he wanted to be involved and so he came here on his way home from visiting his mother, I live in a state located between he and his mother, so he had to pass right by to get to her place basically. Well....he met DD...made promises of keeping in touch, calling, writing, etc.....and then never followed through. I called him in 2001 to ask him to terminate his rights as he wasn't doing anything and he angrily said no....when he was arrested for non-payment he finally agreed only to save his butt from going to jail again. My mother, who I have never had a good relationship with and who was there the evening (4 hours) that ex was there meeting his daughter for the first time, became adamant that the ex NOT sign off his rights. She decided she liked him (funny, she likes the one man I will never be with again, and hates my husband, figures) and that he is DD's father, blah blah blah, then had the gall to offer to pay me the remaining amount of his CS if he didn't have to agree to sign off his rights. Basically, she bribed me. Because of that and numerous other things she said to me in the same conversation I haven't spoken with her but 3 times, and those were from accidentally answering the phone when she called, and have seen her zero times since Feb. 2005. I recently found out that she and my brother are all cozy with the ex and his mother, that my brother visited ex in Seattle (where he apparently moved with his wife and new daughter), and I'm not very happy about this. I had asked my mother for HIS mother's phone number late 2004/early 2005 and she refused saying she wasn't going to be involved, yet she is all buddy buddy now. I feel this is very inappropriate, and a betrayal to me. She has never met the ex's mother, and only met him once for 4 hours. She used to complain to me that my father's (her second husband who adopted me, mind you) ex wife was involved with his family and she felt it was inappropriate of the ex and disrepectful of his family to allow it....but isn't what she's doing basically the same dang thing?? How would it make any of you feel if a family member did the same thing to you? I don't want to have anything to do with my mom now, even after all the other disrespectful things she's done, this just tops it off for me.
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#2 of 13 Old 11-15-2006, 02:39 PM
 
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that totally sucks. sadly, i have heard of the same thing happening... families are soo messed up sometimes. take care of your DD and kiss your mother good-bye -- you've got better fish to fry. not that you can't grieve, of course, but i am happy that you have your own family from which to derive joy and in which you are welcome and of which you can be proud.
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#3 of 13 Old 11-15-2006, 03:38 PM
 
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Man, I hear you! My mom goes on and on about my ex but refuses to even try to like dh - a man a thousand times better! Sends his new children gifts but forgets my skids, (who live f/t with us). Oh, she's a prize.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Hopefully it helps to know you're not alone.
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#4 of 13 Old 11-15-2006, 09:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks ladies. The ironic thing about this is that she doesn't think my DH should adopt, but her second DH adopted me..."this is different" she claims...how?? DD's father didn't want anything to do with her, and it's a BAD thing that my DH wants to adopt? She's nuts. My DD doesn't want anything to do with her BF - we gave her the option and she said no, he played too many games with her. My mom is also stepchild biased. When my grandfather passed away 3 years ago (I was married a couple of years at that point, and the skids have always lived with us - he had custody when we married) my mother told me - the day g-pa died - that it would be inappropriate for my husband and my step children to attend the funeral as "they aren't part of the family." WTH? Just an example of how she can be. Horrid.
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#5 of 13 Old 11-15-2006, 10:50 PM
 
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Interesting....my dad adopted my 2 older sisters. (mom didnt tell him about them when they married, one day picked them up from wherever and ta-da! heres some more kids) So, he adopted them.
Now, you would think after having experienced that my mom would understand that I refer and treat my s-kids and my kids. Nope. Nada. Likes to even correct me in front of them when I say my dd or ds. (you mean, s-dd or s-ds) Not that any of this is an issue anymore since she's not allowed in my home anymore. (related behaviour)

Whats with them?
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#6 of 13 Old 11-16-2006, 11:35 PM
 
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yeah sounds like she needs to sort out her priorities. you have your priorities in order, your dd first. i would suggest backing away from them, we need postive support systems, not : and : it's really sad when adults play games with children

good luck.
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#7 of 13 Old 11-17-2006, 04:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Shenjall View Post
Interesting....my dad adopted my 2 older sisters. (mom didnt tell him about them when they married, one day picked them up from wherever and ta-da! heres some more kids) So, he adopted them.
Now, you would think having experienced that my mom would understand that I refer and treat my s-kids and my kids. Nope. Nada. Likes to even correct me in front of them. Not that any of this is an issue anymore since she's not allowed in my home anymore. (related behaviour)

Whats with them?
OMGosh this is my mom too! My dad adopted me when I was two, she was also a (horrible) step-mom to his older boys. She's the one reasons my older brothers and my dad's side of the family broke off contact with us after dad died in 91 (I know this as I called one of my brothers and confronted him). She was also adopted as a child, so you'd think she'd have some understanding but she doesn't. She even had the nerve to tell my husband once (over the phone) that he and I needed to get real and come to terms that it is impossible for a step-parent to love their step-child as their own - yet still claims my (adopted) father loved me as one of his....it's a total do as I say not as I do kind of thing. My mother is a control freak and at 35 I am supposed to do as she demands, and it really pisses her off that I don't listen. Sadly, she is manipulating my elderly grandmother (she's 92) and using her as a way to get to me. She knows my grandmother is a weak spot, my grandparents always have been, and it kills me to know she's trying to force my hand through my grandmother. I won't budge tho, as much as it kills me to see my grandmother upset. My mom needs to be held accountable for her behaviour and I don't want her in our lives until she 1) apologizes and 2) changes her behaviour. I suppose I won't see her until my grandmother's funeral, and after that? well I guess it's up to her. Once grandma is gone, I don't have any reason to hold back and I think I'll probably give it to her with both barrels and let her know what I truly think. I'm holding back right now because she runs to my grandmother any time I've "wronged" her and tattles on me- she's always been threatened by my relationship with my grandparents, and I know anything I say to my mother will eventually effect my grandmother because of mother's big mouth.
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#8 of 13 Old 11-17-2006, 07:54 PM
 
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My mom used to be able to use my sis and brother against me. It doesnt work anymore and my mom is feeling the heat. But will she respect my boundaries? No, she sulks about her poor life instead about how horrible her children are to her b/c we wont let her disrespect us and our families.

Like your mom, mine would run to my siblings crying about how "mean" I was. She would try to get her "version" of things to them first so they'd take her side. It used to work too. My sibs would call and yell at me, I'd cry and apologise. (even when I shouldnt have) I compromised myself to keep the family "peace". I hated my sibs being mad at me.

I understand what youre going thru.
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#9 of 13 Old 11-19-2006, 01:17 PM
 
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How awful! I would call he and tell her how you feel and explain that as long as your ex's family is her priority, yours can't be and due to her behavior, she can have no place in your DC life or yours. Just my opinion...
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#10 of 13 Old 11-19-2006, 10:00 PM
 
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: Oye, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this! I know all too well how hurtful this kind of crap can be; my situation is very different, but the feelings are the same. My ILs love DH's ex-wife. Love, love, love her. They talk on the phone together almost everyday, and they have on occasion actively encouraged DH to divorce me! Insane. We've also had the situation of grandparents refusing to acknowledge step-grandkids as part of the family. Just nuts.

All anybody can do in this kind of situation is lay out clear, firm boundaries. Once you do that, the ball is in their court. They can live with your boundaries and have a relationship, or not. In our case, my ILs have chosen not. DH told them that their relationship w/ SS's mom was inappropriate and needed to stop. They refused. We haven't seen them in well over 2 years. DH occasionally talks to them on the phone, but not very often. They still speak to SS's mom almost every day. Their choice. Sucks for all of us, but better than being walked on, as far as I'm concerned.

I hope everything works out well for you, and that you and DH get the adoption soon.

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#11 of 13 Old 11-22-2006, 07:23 AM
 
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when he was arrested for non-payment he finally agreed only to save his butt from going to jail again
I don't understand this part. Agreeing to terminate his paternal rights was used as an offer to keep him from going to jail?

I totally think he should be held responsible for the child support he owes, of course. But pressuring a parent to give up their parental rights because of a legal/financial matter is really wrong, I have to say.
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#12 of 13 Old 11-22-2006, 11:51 AM
 
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I took it to mean that by giving up his rights he didnt owe any money - on his own doing and thought process. But, I could be wrong, its just what I read into it.
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#13 of 13 Old 11-22-2006, 01:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I don't understand this part. Agreeing to terminate his paternal rights was used as an offer to keep him from going to jail?

I totally think he should be held responsible for the child support he owes, of course. But pressuring a parent to give up their parental rights because of a legal/financial matter is really wrong, I have to say.
He chose to give up his rights. He wasn't involved in her life - at all. Why shouldn't she be allowed to have a father, a legal father, that loves her and is there for her? Why should the bio-father keep rights he doesn't care to use, and keep her from having a father? The bio father chose that it was to his best financial interest to agree, no one held a gun to his head. And btw, it wasn't a whole lot of money either, only 8 thousand, so he could have easily paid it off too. He chose what he thought was best for him, and I think what was best for my child since he wasn't involved in her life at all.

*edited to add:* Whether or not folks disagree with it or not, we involved my DD in the entire process and gave her the choice of whether or not she wanted a relationship with her BF or to be adopted by her SF. She chose her SF, without any pressure from us. Her BF played games over the years, telling her he'd call, write, etc and NEVER followed through. He has seen her once in her nearly 14 years of life. The step-parent adoption has not gone through yet, as we have not had the money yet. I have two children that we are planning the adoption for. The second father (who I actually lived with for nearly 2 yrs when he left me during pg) practically did a happy dance when I asked him to terminate, so it's not unusual for a BF to be happy to give up rights to a child he has no interest in. My DD's BF asked if we'd talk to DD about being involved, and I told him I'd find out and get back to him....she said no, but he never once checked back with me about the answer. That was a year and a half ago and I have YET to hear a word from him. He has my email, my phone number and my address so he can contact me/her any time. He's also since moved across the country and I have no clue what his exact address is. Before all the court stuff, he had changed his last name and I couldn't find him for 2 years, but yet he generally knew where we were - still in this state, and he knew where my mom was too (although his mother would contact my mom). Is it still in my DD's best interest to have a BF with parental rights he could care less to use, or have a SF adopt her and give her some measure of emotional security even though it's only a name change, SF is her father in all other aspects. My child's emotional and mental well being is so much more important to me than a measely child support check from a man who doesn't care.
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