I just can't believe this! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 3 Old 11-20-2006, 04:19 AM - Thread Starter
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I guess I just basically would like to vent here. Sigh. Let me try to give brief background first: I met xh when I was very young, twenty, and just came out of a physically and emotionally abusive relationship that ended in the suicide of my first husband. I should not have been entering into any relationship at that point but he was a shoulder to cry on and when my roommates moved, a place to stay then when I got my own place and he assumed he was moving in, I felt guilty saying no since he had been there for me, so even though I didnt really feel it, there I was in my second serious relationship. I am not blaming him for everything, I made my share of mistakes, starting with leading him to think I was more committed than I was. We broke up twice, once because I cheated, once because he did. Then we ended up pregnant. So we got married and had ds1. And I really tried, I really did. I never wanted a broken family. But...he was exceedingly difficult to live with, like yelling and screaming at me for the dishes being dirty or coming home and expecting me to draw his bath and lay out his clothes for him, as well as cook for him and clean up after him and he would not drive me anywhere and I wasnt allowed to drive his truck, so I walked with the baby to the store everyday to get stuff for dinner. We were both miserable. Why I stayed so long I do not know other than for my son and the fact that I was scared to do anything else. He began using drugs heavily, he locked himself up in the back bedroom, became addicted to porn, ignored our child and was verbally abusive to me. For years I thought it was my fault and I could fix him if only I did what he wanted. I jumped through hoops for this man. Finally realized I couldnt fix him and he had no interest in fixing himself. He would frequenty say how horrible his life was and Id get so mad becuase I thought having me and ds was something a lot of men would love to have in thier lives. Eventually he became physically abusive, shoving mostly but I knew from previous experiance that it would escalate. Still, it wasnt until the night that our then nine year old son tried to intervene and got swung at by his father that I finally left for good. (I had left and gone back several times and yes, at some point I did cheat on him, I know it wasnt right, at the time though I was very messed up and confused and it seemed justified in my mind).

Even after we split, he would show up at my house between the time ds got home from school and me from work and be on my couch when I got home, fall asleep on my couch and not be able to be woken up, then get up in the middle of the night and come into my room to wake me and scream at me about things from the past. I admitted that yes, I was wrong to cheat on him, but he never thought HE was wrong for anything and justified the disrespect, violence, drug use and ignoring our son becuase of me cheating, though that happened AFTER all the rest. I had to get out that town to get away from him, though my son had lived there all his life, gone to the same school, had grandparents and cousins there. So I moved back home, to stay with my mom for awhile. After some therapy and self expolration, I finally started dating again and not putting up with any crap from any man and also being honest (I wasnt going to be able to have any blame for ruining another relationship) and met and married a wonderful man, we had two more children togather and are expecing our third (fourth total) and I am constantly amazed at how great life can be when you just respect each other! I would never cheat on dh because I would be a complete fool to lose this wonderful man who, in four years time, has never so much as raised his voice to me or any of our children. Sure, we sometimes disagree (not much) but you can discuss things respectfully. Who knew?

Anyway, I still can't talk to my xh without drama. Sometimes he calls me to cry on my shoulder as none of his friends or his own brother will speak to him anymore because of the disrespectful way he deals with them. He calls me multiple times a day. Sometimes he calls to yell at me about things that happened ten years ago. I mean, I realize I hurt him, just as he hurt me, but move on already. He has serious mental issues. Im not being mean, I think he needs serious therapy and antidepressants.

Anyway, now his father has been diagnoises with cancer. Inoperable and aggresive. He has lived with his parents since the divorce and he doesnt work. He pays no child support and any school clothes come from his parents. He has now demanded to claim ds on his income tax to get the eic and give it to his parents since theyve helped him so much and now really need the money. I agree he should help them, but he needs to get a job not try and take money that we NEED as we are the ones supporting his child!

Anyway, all that aside, the last two weeks he has been worse than ever and Ive been trying to excuse it because I do know the kind of stress it is to watch a loved one die. But. I have been cussed at, screamed at and had my life theatened multiple times, often over nothing. Example: he kept pushing the date to come get ds for a visit, understanably due to his fathers ever changing condition and hospitalizations. He cancelled on a sat. and moved it to the next week, so I called and made the appointment Id been wanting to make to get the kids pics takens. Later that day he calls and wants ds the next day and I said ok, yes. Then I remembered the apt. and said "oh...oh, nevermind" and he said what?what? so I said "well, I had scheduled an appointment for pictures but it can be moved...." and was about to say its not important compared to ds visiting his grandfather. My ex blew up and started cussing and calling me a selfish b^&* etc. when I hung up on him, he called ds and proceeded to scream at him for an hour and had him in tears. I called later to say, what time to you want to meet and he was so proud of himself and stated how no one thinks of his dad but him and that our son wouldnt even be coming if he hadnt had a fit and made me. So not true. THen he cancelled again. The next day called ds to scream and cuss at him for two hours about homeschooling until again ds was crying. Told him that if he didnt do what he wanted him to and if I wouldnt drive him to visit then he didnt care if he saw him anymore or not.

Ds didnt want to see his dad, but did want to see his grandfather, whom he hadnt seen in over a month at this point. My ex had stated that his father expressed a wish to see me and my other kids as well. Though I am four and half months pregnant and driving sometimes causes me contractions and though ds2 gets extremly carsick, we went. One, because ds wanted to see his grandfather but not be at his dads mercy adn two, so I could see my exfil, in case it was the last chance. So we drive and the three hour trip takes us over six with frequent and long breaks to keep ds2 from throwing up and me from contracting. We leave at nine am and dont make it there until three pm. I stay over there until eight then head to my bestfriends home to spend the night. I am so exhausted that my eyes are drooping by seven thirty. The first night my ex had the grace to stay in his room and away from me. Next morning I oversleep until eleven, missed my ex's call. We all get up, get dressed, go eat lunch with my bestfriend and her kids, then head over. Its nearly three pm again.

Now, my sons cousin was bestfriends with my bestfriends kids and all four kids grew up togather until I moved away and the girls have not seen each other in four years. In large part due to the cousins stepmom not liking my ex, me, my bestfriend, her kids or my son (basically no one). The night before my exmil had mentioned inviting everyone out. The next morning when I called my ex, he said his niece was there (I still think of her as my niece too and she has come and spent time with us in the summers) and ds said we should all go over and my bestfriends kids got excited and I mentioned it and my ex said ok. My exil's said ok. We went over, after lunch.

My bestfriend had to be at work and was going to take the kids when she left and exmil told her "no", she then said her ex was suppose to pick the kids up later but wasnt dependable, my exmil said "if he doesnt come, I will bring them home" I heard this. My ex then began to get very upset and beligerant with me for bringing them there, saying they werent family and were just tiring out his parents etc. even though his dad said he wanted to see them. I called dh during this time and my ex started yelling at me that HE was trying to talk to me while I was on the phone, so I went outside, then my ex brings my kids out and starts talking to them loudly next to the phone, then runs over and starts making kissing sounds into my handset. I was so mad. Fortunatley dh is very secure and knows I love him and knows I hate my ex, though he was a bit pissed about the whole thing. Then my ex gets upset saying this weekend was suppose to be about HIM and he thought HE"d be the one having lunch with me and I was coming there to take his mind off things and help HIM. I calmly stated that no, my intentions were one, to bring ds to visit and two, to vist my exfil myself. Nothing more, nothing less. Then he goes back to being upset about the kids being there saying I was inconsiderate to bring them, even after his mother told him to stop and it was none of his business. I just gathered my things and my kids and got ready to go. Meanwhile, I barely spoke to my exfil because of the drama going on. Around six I was ready to go and said I would take the girls home, my mil told me no. I said, well, I did bring them, you shouldnt have to take them and again she said no, she didnt mind. So I left because my kids had not had a nap and were tired and cranky and it was a long drive home, without ds1 to help me as he had decided to stay. My ex probally guilted him, and I never know when to put my foot down and when to back off cuz ds is old enough to make his own deciisons about his dad. but thats another thread entirely.

So, on my way home, my ex keeps calling me to yell and cuss at me about how selfish and inconsiderate I am and how I didnt come there for his dad because I didnt do anything but distrupt him. At one point he said that his parents didnt give a f^&* if I was there or not and everyone agreed with him that I was selfish and inconsiderate and never should have brought the girls over. Even though I was pretty sure it wasnt true, it made me cry. I mean, here I made this long drive with a carsick baby and against doctors advice because I do still love his parents and to think that they reallythink that about me was just more than I could take. I cried until my son got scared and cried, then I realized the only times my kids hear me cry or scream is when Im on the phone with my ex. So I told him that unless he needs to discuss our son, dont call me at all.

He ended up getting kicked out of his parents for the night because he wouldnt drop it. (How disruptive was he being to his father screaming and cussing about me?) Anyway, I called my exmil to apologize if bringing the girls over was wrong and for coming at all and causing them problems with thier son, as that was so not my intention. My ex told me not to ever come again unless his parents personally invited me and said that they wouldnt because they dont give a ^&* about me and think Im selfish and inconsiderate and are just too nice to say so to my face. HIs story is that they agree with him about me, they just dont agree with how he acts. Also cussed me for not being there early in the morning and for going to eat before coming over. And for not spending the night there in the first place. Guess I should have crawled into his bed? What the hell did he expect?

Anyway, eventually he ended up apologizing saying he didnt know that my bf had offered to take the kids, that his mom knew ahead of time that thier dad might not show up to get them (he didnt) or that I had offered to take them home. I did point out that if he was worried about it being too much on his mom, HE could take them home and solve that. Of course then I got screamed at about how that wasnt his responsibility. My best friend was going to leave work and come get them, because I called her after the first call when my ex said thier dad said he couldnt get a ride, and again my exmil said NO.

He also critized my dh for not coming with us and taking off work, I told him that it was dh's overtime on a saturday that financed the trip so that we COULD come! Because dont think he helped out on gas or food or anything. Oh, ds only brought a change of clothes and since he's now staying forawhile, I said, go buy him some new clothes, he doesnt have any long pants that fit and its getting cold and my ex said no, since he's being homeschooled, what does he need clothes for? WTF? At one point, my ex did yell at me about how he still loved me and how I hurt him so bad that he cant go on with his life etc. etc. What a way to show love, huh? Incidentally, its not all bitterness over the breakup, he was like this when we were togather. I felt like I lived in a warzone and was constantly scared of telling him ANYTHING becuase I never knew what would set him off. I mean ordering pizza could get me screamed adn cussed at until I was in tears, beause I didnt get his favorite topping or something trivial like that, but he could twist it until it was proof of how selfish and inconsiderite i was to him. And Im so afraid thats what he's doing to ds now.

He still does this, he called me one day and asked if I had time to talk and I said yes and for like ten min. I was agreeing with him, yes the other person was wrong etc, then I made an aside comment to my dd to come back, becuase she was wandering off, and he just exploded about how I shouldnt have lied and said I had time and how now he felt worse than ever etc. I told him if ignoring my kids was a requirement, then I will NEVER have time thankyouverymuch.

If his father was not dying, I would have already brought ds home and made my ex go through a lawyer to set up visitation. I cannot take this anymore. I do care about my exil's but I will not be visiting them again for any reason as I cannot take it and will not put my kids through it. I would keep ds1 away from him if I could because I think he's toxic and, just as he use to do to me, he now puts the burden for his happiness squarly on our sons shoulders (If you cared about me, you do x, y and z....and even if you do x, y and z, you didnt do it right or quickly enough or cheerfully enough etc. etc. etc.) and I dont see how my son is equipped to handle this, as it took me ten years to figure out it was bs and his unhappiness wasnt my fault or my responsibilty and I wasnt a horrible person. But legally he is his father and ds would not forgive me if I kept then apart. But what is it doing to HIS mental health? Do you think he's too young to read and understand "Toxic Parents"?

Ok, ds is still down there and this whole thing is not over. I am so drained.

~Me, mama to soapbox boy (1991), photo girl (1997), gadget girl (2003), jungle boy (2005), fan boy (2007) and twirly girl (2011). Twenty five years of tree hugging, breastfeeding, cosleeping, unschooling, craziness!
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#2 of 3 Old 11-20-2006, 03:43 PM
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I hope you are documenting his threats on your life.

If he is as unstable as you say, especially with the threat of his last remaining support system (dad) dying, please understand that the possibility of violence towards you (or your son, as a way to hurt you) has increased dramatically.

I understand you want to be nice since he's going through a terrible time. But the next time he starts harassing phone calls or threatens to assault you, please document it and report it.

Maybe this is standard operating procedure for him (and yes, I do understand that there are people out there who casually talk smack like this and are not really a danger), but the fact is he has extra stressors and threats in his life and if he snaps it's you who will truly pay the cost.

Next time he threatens, I'd do whatever I could to go down and get your son. Better your son be pissed off at you, than dead or hurt. You can just explain that dad is not right mentally right now and you want to protect him, and that you will do whatever you can do with your power to ensure that he has continued contact with grandpa. And if your ex continues to threaten, I'd take your documentation to the police and file a restraining order. Especially given his mental state and the stresses in his life, any cop with half a brain is going to recognize how dangerous that is.
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#3 of 3 Old 11-20-2006, 03:50 PM
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He does not sound mentally stable enough to be around your son. I know you are trying to take into consideration everybody's feelings but your ex isn't. Do what is best for you & your son. Call authorities the next time he does this stuff. Sorry you're going thru all this, good luck & hang in there...

"While Eeyore frets ...and Piglet hesitates...and Rabbit calculates...and Owl pontificates...Pooh just is."
taken from The Tao of Pooh by Benjamin Hoff
 check out my children's room in the library:  Hampton Bays Public Library Children's Room  http://hbaychildroom.blogspot.com/ 
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