two kids with one last name, one with another??? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 22 Old 11-29-2006, 07:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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so I have two boys with my last name from my previous marriage. I just recently found out I'm pregnant with my partner's baby. We are not married, but pretty much live together. We don't have any intentions on marrying at the current time, but my concern is this.....

My partner Tom does not want this new baby to have my "ex's last name" as he puts it. He wants the baby to have his last name, but then me and my own child and it's brothers would be different.


We just discussed this slightly today, but no resolution was agreed upon yet.
Any suggestions??
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#2 of 22 Old 11-29-2006, 07:59 PM
 
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When I was growing up, my brother and sister and I shared the same last name, while my mother (who had remarried) and my half-sister (who was the daughter of her new husband) had a different last name.

It was never a big deal. What is bothering you about it exactly? Don't kids normally have the same surname as their actual dad? And yes, I can see why your partner wouldn't want the baby to have your ex's last name.
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#3 of 22 Old 11-29-2006, 08:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by cmd View Post
When I was growing up, my brother and sister and I shared the same last name, while my mother (who had remarried) and my half-sister (who was the daughter of her new husband) had a different last name.

It was never a big deal. What is bothering you about it exactly? Don't kids normally have the same surname as their actual dad? And yes, I can see why your partner wouldn't want the baby to have your ex's last name.

i'm not used to this, and I guess I felt as though I would be losing something with the new baby if we didn't share a name.
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#4 of 22 Old 11-29-2006, 08:11 PM
 
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Hyphenated last name? Wait, that wont work if your last name is your ex's.
I see your dp view as well. Cant say I blame him.

I dont see a problem with kids having different last names. I dont think they would either. Our kids all have different last names. We've got 3 different last names going on! Some are A; some B and some AB. However, the difference for us is that mine and ds last name is my maiden name.

None of the kids have ever questioned why they have differenent surnames. Its just been a given.

Kinda off topic, but a friend of mine kept her name when she got married, and when they had kids, they had only the fathers surname. So, she didnt "match" her kids, but its never been an issue for her. Just fyi.



Just wanted to add I see where you're coming from too.
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#5 of 22 Old 11-30-2006, 12:56 AM
 
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It just happens! Last year I had 20 kids in my homeroom. On parents night I had to match up the parents nametags with the kids names. I realized that 11 of my students had lastnames that were different from at least one of their parents. I just don't think it's that big of deal. Don't let it be. I assume your last name is your ex's?
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#6 of 22 Old 11-30-2006, 02:03 AM
 
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well my kids have two different last names and neither of them shares my last name my dd who will be the odd one out when kurt and i get married has gone back and forth as to how she feels about it but i don't think its any major thing for her. shes almost 7. i saw something somewhere that said that 80% of all kids aged like 6-10 like their names so the odds are in your favor no matter what you decide to do. you've got a while to think about it-and if you still don't know, just pick something, you can always change it,
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#7 of 22 Old 11-30-2006, 02:13 AM
 
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Personally I would not keep my exs last name and I would not name a new child that name either and I can see why you bf would be opposed to this.

The family I grew up in: One brother with one name N, one with my dad's name A, my brother and I were hyphenated D-A but when my parents split at age 7 I used D and Brother used A. Brother with name N started using D and did so throughout high school and legally changed at 18. Dad remarried and new wife took his name (A) and her two kids are a different name L. One brother, a half, has a mother and step father who are I and M. My dh is O, his mom is B. I kept my name and our kids are hypens of D-O. My bothers and I, with all of our different names (and now each married to someone who kept their own name also!), we LOVE each other and cosider ourselfves to be one big family with no attention to halfs, steps, divorce, and names.

My point is, names are different all the time and mean nothing about how people are related. Name the kid whatever you want (in this case I say go with BFs name). The kids have different dads, having different names is pretty standard in that case. My brother and I (one of them) have the same mom and the same dad but different last names! Now that is odd.

Good luck.

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#8 of 22 Old 11-30-2006, 02:15 AM
 
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Another one here with multiple last names.

My Dd has her Bio-dads last name, and my Ds's share their Dads last name, To make matters even more confusing I don't share a name with any of them, as I still use my maiden name!

I really don't see a problem with it. I see it as a reflection of our heritage, which is different for all the members of our family, hence we all have different names, kwim?
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#9 of 22 Old 11-30-2006, 02:36 AM
 
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We have different names too...dd1 and I have my mother's maiden name while dd2 has my husband's. At some point I'd like us all to have the same name but it's not a big deal now.
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#10 of 22 Old 11-30-2006, 12:34 PM
 
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Just a thought, could you use your maiden name for a middle name this time around? This way, you have a name connection.........
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#11 of 22 Old 11-30-2006, 01:07 PM
 
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DS has my last name hyphenated with his bio dad's.
DD has my last name hyphenated with her bio dads
And i have just my last name...so we all have that in common.
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#12 of 22 Old 11-30-2006, 01:23 PM
 
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I don't have any suggestions, but I wanted to let you know that we have *three* different last names in our family of 5 (soon to be six), and it doesn't present any problems for us at all...maybe it's tricky for people who send us christmas cards, though. lol!!

My two children from my first marriage have the last name B****. My husband and his daughter from his first marriage have the last name P****. I kept my maiden name AND took my dh's name, so I'm W*** P****. Our baby will also be W*** P****.

We're all ok with the differences. They're just names--they don't define us as a family, yk?

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#13 of 22 Old 11-30-2006, 02:48 PM
 
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My mother changed her last name back to her maiden name while I still had my father's name and my sister had her father's name, and well my mom had her own name. She was worried about how my sister would think about her not having the same name as my mother and myself, she is 8 now and has never really cared about last names. It gets kinda confusing sometimes but we get it straight after a minute of thought.
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#14 of 22 Old 11-30-2006, 10:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thank you all for the replies. it is nice to know there are so many people out there that are unconventional in their blended-ness.

I have always just wanted the best for my children and I don't want to do (or NOT do) anything that would hurt them or make them feel like an outsider.

I think we're going to stick with daddy's last name and leave it at that for now. We still have 8 months to say for sure.
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#15 of 22 Old 12-01-2006, 01:51 AM
 
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Dh and I have 3 kids between us, each w/ a different last name... my ds4 has his father's last name, dh's dd3 has her mother's last name, and our ds has dh's last name.

No biggie.

We recently bought this thing for our door that has our last names and all of our first names on it... I debated it, being that only 3 of the 5 of us actually have that last name, but ds didn't seem to care.
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#16 of 22 Old 01-16-2007, 09:40 PM
 
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My blended family consists of 5 kids. 2 with my husbands last name, 2 with my ex-husbands last name and the little one is from a different relationship.
So we have 5 kids, 3 last names, and it's no big deal to any of us. If your baby has a different last name as the others, it won't make it less of a sibling will it?
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#17 of 22 Old 01-16-2007, 11:53 PM
 
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Now I am married to my DH, but even if we weren't, he would FREAK if I even suggested a baby of ours to have my ex husband's last name. I know that for a fact. We have 2 last names in our house. My oldest boy has my maiden name. We have actually thought of changing it to my DH's name, but he has no interest in changing his name after 10 years.

Honestly if it is bothering you, because of the whole connection thing you could change your last name back to your maiden name and then give each one of your kids a hyphenated name with the father's last name and your maiden name. That way they would all be connect to both you and to each other.
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#18 of 22 Old 01-17-2007, 12:12 AM
 
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We also have various last names in this house and it really hasn't ever been an issue. It must be common because I've never been questioned on it. Until DH and I got married, when we were just shackin' up we had 3 different last names but when we married, I took his name.

My boys with the different last name don't feel left out or weird or anything. They love their last name (they are of mixed ethnicity and their last name reflects their ethnic heritage) and my younger kids don't think anything of it.

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#19 of 22 Old 01-17-2007, 08:57 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by diobolic_derbygirl View Post
so I have two boys with my last name from my previous marriage. I just recently found out I'm pregnant with my partner's baby. We are not married, but pretty much live together. We don't have any intentions on marrying at the current time, but my concern is this.....

My partner Tom does not want this new baby to have my "ex's last name" as he puts it. He wants the baby to have his last name, but then me and my own child and it's brothers would be different.


We just discussed this slightly today, but no resolution was agreed upon yet.
Any suggestions??
Well, in our family, my three dd's from my first marriage have their fathers last name, my stepkids have my dhs last name and my youngest dd and I have my dh's last name.
None of the kids have ever said anything negative about it.

It did seem a little odd at first not to have the same last name as my other kids, but its not really an issue.

Sometimes its weird when my older kids call me Mrs. (insert exdh's last name) because they dont realize.

We refer to ourselves as the "Dh's last name-Older kids last name" Family

I can understand your bf not wanting his child to have your ex's name.
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#20 of 22 Old 01-20-2007, 10:41 AM
 
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I'm going to be a bit different here in my comment.

Growing up we had three different last names in our family and we KNEW it. This was because my stepdad was a tyrant and he and my mother were the *family* while my brothers and I just lived there, or that's how we felt at least.

I was married and had my daughter, we both had the same last name. Then I split with husband and had my son. I gave him *my* last name (ex husbands). His dad was not happy but we were not married and it was my choice.

So I've been married to DH over a year and a half and I have yet to change my name. I use his last name, but I have not changed it. I think I'm going to wait till we do the step-parent adoption with DS and hyphonate so I'll have both kids last name. My son is very excited about changing his name to his DHs.

I do think that if in the family it's no big deal then it won't be a big deal. But if it is something thats focused on it can be hurtfull. I always knew growing up that I wanted my kids and I to have the same last name so it was VERY important to me, to the point of pissing a few people off... but my sons dad didnt stick around so making the choice for me worked out very well. My ex-husband I don't think he really minded, if he did he never told me.

I've never regretted my choices at all.

Do whatever makes you comfortable.

Mom to DD 14 and DS 12
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#21 of 22 Old 01-20-2007, 04:29 PM
 
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My partner Tom does not want this new baby to have my "ex's last name" as he puts it. He wants the baby to have his last name, but then me and my own child and it's brothers would be different.
Another thing to think about. That feeling you have of wanting to share a name with your child, is the same feeling that a father goes thru.

I hope you can come to an agreement you're all happy with.
Peace.
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#22 of 22 Old 01-21-2007, 08:30 AM
 
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i have my dads last name, my brother has his dads last name, my mom has her ex dh's last name, and my kids would have hyphenated mine and their dads but umm.they dont lol. oh they have the same dad. my1yo has my last name, and this new baby will too unles their dad makes soe major changes, ad soon.and i dont like it, but i dont want to just give them his either...my son, icouldnt, i tried and the lady ripped up the bc application thing and both time i had to do it had mine and only mine already on there (in case ya didnt notice, im not married.) i dunno, its all intereting ya know lol
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