Blended Family not working so well - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 11 Old 11-30-2006, 03:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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: I have a 3 YOD and Partner has an 8 YOS. When I am around, his son has nothing to do with me unless he needs something from me he cant get from his DAD. He asks his Dad everything, and me nothing. I guess it is bothersome since I feel like I dont exsist when they are home and together.

And my 3 year old is becoming not very loving or I guess even nice to my partner. We all live together in a house now and not an apartment, I thought it would make it better.
She will tell him she doesnt want him, and totally has changed the loving fun side she used to be with him. I dont get it. What could it be, he HARDLY will discipline her, so I am not sure what the deal is and he definitly isnt mean or harmful to her in anyway at all.

Any suggestions would help me out as it drives me crazy!
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#2 of 11 Old 11-30-2006, 03:34 PM
 
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How long have you been together? I don't think it's surprising or alarming that your children both prefer their own parents. The eight-year-old, especially, is going to be acutely aware that his father is his FATHER and you are the person his father has married -- that's a strong relationship, but you are not his mother and he's not going to immediately treat you as though you were.

If the kids are not being rude or badly behaved, why not honor their feelings and let the relationships develop over time? If your daughter does not want to interact with your partner, respect that and let her be. How is her relationship with her father? Maybe she feels that she is betraying him if she is affectionate to your fiance.

To me, real trouble in a blended family would be the children hurting each other, or being openly hostile toward the adults. It sounds like things are working relatively well for you, really!
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#3 of 11 Old 11-30-2006, 04:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi! We have been together about a year. She has always been good with him, always loving and wanting to play. NOw, that isnt the case, she will tell him NOT TO TALK, just openly rude. I want to curb this but also let ker know I am here for her if she is sad or mad or whatever the case may be. I dont want to disregard her feelings.

Her and the 8 year old, well lets say she loves to play with him and he doesnt. Understandable but a bit heart breaking for me. She gets lonely!
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#4 of 11 Old 11-30-2006, 05:07 PM
 
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Yeah, I think the age difference does make that understandable, but sad for her.

I think you can reasonably enforce good manners from your daughter to your partner, but I wouldn't push her to play with him or accept him as a caregiver if she's resisting.
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#5 of 11 Old 11-30-2006, 05:25 PM
 
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Originally Posted by STBSM View Post
Hi! We have been together about a year. She has always been good with him, always loving and wanting to play. NOw, that isnt the case, she will tell him NOT TO TALK, just openly rude. I want to curb this but also let ker know I am here for her if she is sad or mad or whatever the case may be. I dont want to disregard her feelings.

Her and the 8 year old, well lets say she loves to play with him and he doesnt. Understandable but a bit heart breaking for me. She gets lonely!
She's mimicking the 8yo behaviour and trying it out on your partner. 8yo does it to you, 3 yo sees it, sees that it works, your partner doesn't address it, the behaviour upsets her, so she processes it and her upset with the 8yo'd treatment of her and does it to your partner since that is obvioulsy how it works. To her view. Only she more likely to verbalize her views being less aware of the social barriers to some phrases.
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#6 of 11 Old 11-30-2006, 05:43 PM
 
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what Demeter said: : and not to mention that this sounds like really typical 3 yo behaviour. really.

from 2 years old on, it's rough. and every year gets worse.

hang in there mama. things will smooth out.
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#7 of 11 Old 12-02-2006, 11:00 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks Girls,
I sure hope so, I have been pushing her to interact with him, I wont do that anymore. The funny thing is, when I am home, is when she acts like this. When I am gone and it is the two of them and I call to talk to them, she is happy as can be and he says she is a complete angel. WTH??

So, I think it is me, not sure how to fix it though??
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#8 of 11 Old 12-02-2006, 04:32 PM
 
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Thanks Girls,
I sure hope so, I have been pushing her to interact with him, I wont do that anymore. The funny thing is, when I am home, is when she acts like this. When I am gone and it is the two of them and I call to talk to them, she is happy as can be and he says she is a complete angel. WTH??

So, I think it is me, not sure how to fix it though??
Actually, that sounds like a 3 yo treating him like her biological father! Ds looooooves his daddy til I get home. It is changing a bit, but kids have a favorite. I find that ds is good for one of us, but when we are together he is a little bratty. I think he doesn't like to share. He likes the one on one time together. When daddy comes home, suddenly I'm up hugging daddy and chatiig about our day. . . I have to be careful to transition him. I have a 3 yo and an 11 yo dss. I have the same heartbreak. Ds ALWAYS wants to play with his big bro, the 11 yo does NOT always want to play with ds. I think that is an age thing. In a blended family it seems like we interpret EVERYTHING to be about stepissues, but in many cases, a biofamily would have the same issues. I try to find activities they love to do together. They love to play tag and hide and seek. It drives me INSANE: to have them running after each other in the house, but since it is one of the only things they both actually enjoy doing together, I let it go. I also let them watch movies together that I wouldn't normally let the 3 yo watch (like Spiderman cartoon and Sponge Bob) because they like to do that together. They also like this game where little ds pushes big dss on the trike-- through the house at top speed! Yikes.
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#9 of 11 Old 12-02-2006, 04:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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FLOR,
Thanks for the response, I know you are right about the sibling issue, I guess it is hard for me. I love that she loves them both dearly and they love her back, I just wish she wouldnt act like that when I am home, it drives me banannas. I dont know how to make it better! We just moved to a house with LOTS of room and thier own space, I am praying that will all help all olf us! Thanks and have a HAPPY HOLIDAY!!
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#10 of 11 Old 12-03-2006, 01:22 PM
 
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My DH and I have been together for 6 yrs and I have a DD from a prev relationship. He has a DS from a prev W and we have a 9mo DD together. DH has been Daddy to my DD for a long time.(She ''adopted'' him about a year into the relationship.) We have had all these issues and more, along with the jealosy and fighting that every family has. This does sound ''normal'' to me, since I also know other couples that have gone thru these things, too. Other than just letting things progress as they will, perhaps a family meeting once a month to air problems or progress would help. Just a suggestion!:
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#11 of 11 Old 12-03-2006, 04:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks Tat, I think that might be a good idea! I like it! Im glad I am not the only one and this is kinda normal behaviour!!
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