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#1 of 40 Old 12-03-2006, 05:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So, this is becoming sort of a pattern I guess and it really gets under my skin.

When my three dd's are with their father and stepmother, out and about, almost everytime they go through a fast food drive-through and they get their children food but tell my children they can eat whatever leftovers are in the fridge when they get home.

It happened a bunch on their camping trip too. There were 4 day old PB&J's in the cooler, they all were out together, their kids got fast food, mine were told to eat the old PB&J's.

Am I overreacting if this really p*sses me off?
And how do I explain this away to my kids?
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#2 of 40 Old 12-03-2006, 05:59 PM
 
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No, it is not acceptable... I would be miffed also.
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#3 of 40 Old 12-03-2006, 06:00 PM
 
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that is really odd. have you told them before that you dont want your kids to eat fast food? maybe they think they are abiding by your wishes and not feeding it to them? i am trying to give them the benefit of the doubt here. i cant imagine any other reason for it.
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#4 of 40 Old 12-03-2006, 06:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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that is really odd. have you told them before that you dont want your kids to eat fast food? maybe they think they are abiding by your wishes and not feeding it to them? i am trying to give them the benefit of the doubt here. i cant imagine any other reason for it.
Its just because their stepmother is a b*tch, my exdh does whatever she says and she resents my kids and the money that is spent on them - you know, that child support that the state steals from his check...which BTW, is a 12 year old child support order, so grossly out of date.

Basically a Cinderella type thing x's 3 going on with my dd's.

I just dont know what to tell them to ease their feelings when they get treated like this.
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#5 of 40 Old 12-03-2006, 06:04 PM
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That would be enough to make me keep the kids home. That's really mean.

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#6 of 40 Old 12-03-2006, 06:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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That would be enough to make me keep the kids home. That's really mean.
I so wish I could.
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#7 of 40 Old 12-03-2006, 06:07 PM
 
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If they don't have a reason to think that you don't let your kids eat fast food, then yes, it's extremely upsetting and rude!

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#8 of 40 Old 12-03-2006, 06:07 PM
 
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Woah...yeah I'd be pissed.
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#9 of 40 Old 12-03-2006, 06:08 PM
 
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Overreacting? How on earth could you possibly think that you're overreacting? That's an incredibly mean way to treat kids, and your ex needs to grow a spine, and stop allowing this crap. If his wife resents spending money on his kids so much, then her kids can have the PB&J, as well. Giving her kids a treat (although fast food doesn't qualify, imo ) while depriving your children is a nasty way to behave.

We took my nephew on vacation with us this year - he got treated exactly the same way as ds1 - visited the same attractions, got the same treats, etc. Doing anything else would have been vile.

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#10 of 40 Old 12-03-2006, 06:09 PM
 
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If they don't have a reason to think that you don't let your kids eat fast food, then yes, it's extremely upsetting and rude!
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#11 of 40 Old 12-03-2006, 06:09 PM
 
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Not only would that upset me I would raise a little hell! Not in front of the kids of course.
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#12 of 40 Old 12-03-2006, 06:13 PM
 
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Can you imagine how hurt those dc's are!! I would be very upset if my child was treated this way by anyone much less my ex-dh. I would ask children how they feel about it and if it bothers them ask ex to explain why they are treated this way by him. Maybe if he knows it is bothering them he will be more attentive to their feelings?
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#13 of 40 Old 12-03-2006, 06:14 PM
 
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No you are not overreacting. I'm not sure how anyone could be so hurtful to children.
Stepmom knew he had kids when they got married now they both need to step up and be adults.

Can you point out how hurtful their behavoir is to you're dear children?
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#14 of 40 Old 12-03-2006, 06:16 PM
 
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Originally Posted by KentuckyDoulaMama View Post
Am I overreacting if this really p*sses me off?
And how do I explain this away to my kids?
No your not overreacting thats just not on if they buy for their children then they should also buy for yours and your exdh's children or not buy for any its not fair to leeve them out imo

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#15 of 40 Old 12-03-2006, 06:17 PM
 
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You need to clear this up with the Ex!
It really is very odd and insulting to your kids not to feed them whatever the rest of the family is eating including fast food. All kids that age love the idea of fast food and the little gifts.
I think it is your responsibility as the Mom to clarify the food and treats issue with their father. Tell him clearly that they are to eat; drink, and snack and share in whatever fast food or other food and activities are going on with the other kids. You want your kids included and offered all this type of food others are eating even if it goes against your regular diet beliefs!

I cared for my friend's son and she is a ridged raw foods and vegan mama. So is her six -year-old son. I was taking the kids to the zoo and she told me clearly that he could eat whatever he wants or asks for that the other kids are eating. I was shocked but she wants him to feel included. The first thing he asked for when we got to the zoo was a hot dog from the food vendor cart and an ice cream.

I do not eat like that, but the kid loved this stuff when he was not with his mom!
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#16 of 40 Old 12-03-2006, 06:20 PM
 
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This is a very sad situation and I can't imagine how it makes your dd's feel . I would definately follow-up on it with your x. It's totally unacceptable.

Happy Mommy to one amazing girl (6y) and one sweet boy (2y), and wife to DH since 7/03 : :
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#17 of 40 Old 12-03-2006, 06:23 PM
 
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That is just plain awful. I would be on the phone w/ my ex right away. Your children should not be treated as second class to your ex's other children. I would not treat a stranger like that, nevermind my own flesh and blood. What is wrong w/ that man?
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#18 of 40 Old 12-03-2006, 06:24 PM
 
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and personally, I don't know if I would feed ANYONE a four day old pb&j sandwich! that's just gross.
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#19 of 40 Old 12-03-2006, 06:25 PM
 
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: this happened to me as a child... everyone had a really good dinner.. step mom, dad, and step moms kids... Me and my brother got mac n cheese or a cold sandwich.. On purpose... there was plenty for everyone but we where not allowed to eat with them.. we even had a separate table for us.

Its not cool and it will mess up your kids royally. You should nip it in the bud now! This is a form of abuse. and its just going to get worse.. In all ways.. Its this today and tomorrow they will have to use the exs kids cold dirty bath water... trust me. Its sick and not right and its mental abuse.

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#20 of 40 Old 12-03-2006, 06:30 PM
 
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Uhm, yeah that would upset me! Just reading that upsets me. I can't fathom anyone doing that to children. Is it just to remind them they are different and not the same as her kids? Is she paying for it all and doesn't feel that she needs to pay for your kids? I can't even understand that rationale at all. I can't wrap my mind around it. Wow. I would say something. I don't know how. I would probably even send cash with them just so they could have some happy meals too. I know you shouldn't have to at all! How sad.
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#21 of 40 Old 12-03-2006, 06:31 PM
 
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and personally, I don't know if I would feed ANYONE a four day old pb&j sandwich! that's just gross.
: :Puke
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#22 of 40 Old 12-03-2006, 06:48 PM
 
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That is so, so sad. Have you challenged your ex over the way he's treating them?
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#23 of 40 Old 12-03-2006, 07:19 PM
 
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Ugh. As a stepmom, I can't FATHOM treating my girls that way. How horribly can one behave, really? And I totally agree with the pp who stated that your x needs to grow a backbone (or anatomy farther south ) and stand up to his wife. That's just gross.

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#24 of 40 Old 12-03-2006, 07:24 PM
 
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Do not allow your children to be treated in this way! This is abusive! This is bad! How dare she think she can do this and get away with it. Ick. Maybe some court ordered counseling would do the trick.
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#25 of 40 Old 12-03-2006, 07:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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That is so, so sad. Have you challenged your ex over the way he's treating them?
Yes. Many times, as this is not the only issue.

Ex is extremely defensive about his wife. Sometimes it takes me quite a while to figure out the way I'm going to approach him when I have a problem...how to word it just right, ect...the moment it becomes clear that it is a complaint that has to do with his wife, he BLOWS up big time, flies off the handle, screams at me, says off the wall things, hangs up on me.

I used to try to get the girls to approach their dad when he was alone to bring up a problem they had with the stepmother and EVERY single time they are told things like "how dare they talk bad about his wife" and get yelled at.

My sensitive 11yo walks on egg shells at their house, her older sisters have commented that she doesnt do anything wrong ever because she is afraid to rock the boa, I guess.

But yeah...their stepmother is totally one of those people who are all sugar and sweet on the outside yet does these underhanded, meanspirited things that are subtle.

So, the girls know they can't bring up any problems they may have to their father because they'll get shamed and yelled at and he always defends her anyhow.

Here's another classic example....two of my dd's are vegetarian and have been for 1 & 3 years now. She rarely makes sure there are proper, balanced meals for them while they are there. Or just makes sure there is bagged lettuce in the fridge and then she can claim there is food for them...who wants salad all the time?
Not too long ago my 15yo dd went with stepmother & half siblings to stepmothers parents home in a different town....when dd got home she was starving and told me that there was nothing, nothing she could eat. These people know she is a vegetarian. But they are all big hunters and think its wrong, ect...
I was mad that stepmother didnt make sure my dd ate all day long. I called ex and told him about it, he asked his wife and she said that there was plenty there that could have been eaten by vegetarians and rattled off some things. My dd told me it was a 100% lie, that she was making it up. So, then dd gets "spoken to" the next time she went down to her fathers by him for causing trouble.

I dont know what to do about it and it makes me so mad I start shaking and get sooo enraged.
I hate that I have to send my children there.
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#26 of 40 Old 12-03-2006, 07:38 PM
 
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My stepmother did this kind of stuff to my sister when she was little. I was older and already in college. If she is doing this, I would bet she is also being abusive in other ways. My stepmother was very verbally abusive. My mom took my dad back to court to revisit his visitation rights. My sister talked to the judge and he order counseling for everyone (me included). Eventually the counseling revealed that my stepmother was very unstable and visitation was limited to a few hours while being monitored by a third party.

If your ex can't stand up to her, then I think that you should take action.
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#27 of 40 Old 12-03-2006, 07:38 PM
 
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But yeah...their stepmother is totally one of those people who are all sugar and sweet on the outside yet does these underhanded, meanspirited things that are subtle.
This isn't subtle. This is just plain, obvious nastiness. The fact that your ex won't address it with her is also nasty. He's basically telling your kids that she counts, and they don't. What a....UA violation (take your pick - could be talking about your ex or his wife).

I take it that he has court ordered visitation? Is there any way this can be brought back up to the courts? I know it's hard to say what the legal definition of this behaviour is, but it's definitely emotionally abusive.

My god...sometimes, I get so used to dh and his family that I forget how wonderful they are to ds1. This kind of story makes my stomach turn.

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#28 of 40 Old 12-03-2006, 07:41 PM
 
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Take it to court, mama. I know that's the LAST thing you want to do...to make the situation more acrimonious, but this is disgusting, and as StormBride said, emotionally abusive. Your ex and his wife have no right to treat anyone, especially children, in this way.

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#29 of 40 Old 12-03-2006, 08:22 PM
 
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Can you make sure they have money of their own so they can buy whatever they want? Maybe this won't work, but I thought maybe they could just somehow take matters into their own hands. Or, pack them food in their suitcase and let the eat it over there. It it just so mean of their father and SM. I am so so sorry.
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#30 of 40 Old 12-04-2006, 10:52 AM
 
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Can you make sure they have money of their own so they can buy whatever they want?
This could just make matters worse. I'd be willing to be that the stepmom would take the $ and then the girls would be doubly in trouble.
To the OP, please go to court to revisit his visitation rights/schedule. Your children are being abused on the visits and that needs to stop right now. Unless it's written into the court order, I'd stop sending the kids on any extra trips w dad/stepmom until this has played out. Follow the visitation order to the letter, if the order says 5pm Fri to 5 pm Sunday, you make sure that they are there on time and picked up on time, no exceptions. The judge won't like it if you've been messing with the visitation.
I would also contact a DV advocate in your area and see what resources they have. While your XH and his wife may not be hitting your children, withholding food is a serious form of abuse. Perhaps someone may have some more resources for you.

I am so sorry that your girls are going through this.
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