Need some advice for my nephew... - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 8 Old 12-04-2006, 05:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi,

I'm hoping you all can help me as I am just really sad and upset at what is going on with my nephew....

My brother and his girlfriend got pregnant and my brother died before my nephew was born. He was 21. So the girlfriend, D, had my nephew, N, and stayed with my mother up until she moved in with her boyfriend, J, when N was 2. J has a daughter from a previous relationship and he gets custody on whatever his weekends/two days off are. Recently that has been Tuesday and Wednesday. D and J had a baby in August together, a girl, and J was kind of disappointed that he doesn't "have a boy of his own" but D got her tubes tied so that pretty much ends that....

Anyway, they have these funky work schedules and D agreed to let my mother/family take care of my nephew N during the week (Tuesday night to Sunday morning) that she is working in order to have him still be able to go to his preschool. They work 3 pm to 12 am and take the babe to another lady who does night time care, but my nephew has been really sensetive and they agreed to not move him/make things work if they could.

Okay, the point. My nephew is really not included and his mother D has been more and more kind of abandoning him to my family to take care of and I am really worried as he gets older (he is 3 now) it is going to have an effect on him. Examples, their car is too small to fit all 3 kids when they go places. For thanksgiving, they were going to the husband J's father's. The solution was to have my nephew stay home with his mother and not have thanksgiving and J take "his" kids to his father's. Another example, yesterday was D's only day off this week. She wanted to "spend time with her son". Usually she picks him up on Sunday at ~10 or 11. Yesterday she got busy cleaning his room so she didn't come until after 7 pm.

Sorry this got so long but I just really want to be able to do something to ensure my nephew doesn't feel abandoned. I know it is not going to be perfect but why does my nephew always have to the the left over child? My brother had a really tough time growing up and I just want to try to make sure my nephew doesn't have the same issues. Of course it may be that if the mother and father don't want to do anything there really is nothing that I can do but any advice would be greatly appreciated....

Ange. Mama to boys. Yup. All Boys. All Intact. A bunch of other NFL, crunchy credentials too.
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#2 of 8 Old 12-04-2006, 08:27 PM
 
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Maybe you and your mom will end up being most of the family this boy really has. Can you step up more for him? I have learned that you can not control those around you, just yourself.
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#3 of 8 Old 12-04-2006, 09:09 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Paddington View Post
Hi,

Okay, the point. My nephew is really not included and his mother D has been more and more kind of abandoning him to my family to take care of and I am really worried as he gets older (he is 3 now) it is going to have an effect on him. Examples, their car is too small to fit all 3 kids when they go places. For thanksgiving, they were going to the husband J's father's. The solution was to have my nephew stay home with his mother and not have thanksgiving and J take "his" kids to his father's. Another example, yesterday was D's only day off this week. She wanted to "spend time with her son". Usually she picks him up on Sunday at ~10 or 11. Yesterday she got busy cleaning his room so she didn't come until after 7 pm.
From what you've written, it sounds like J is doing what she can in her situation. I think it's wonderful that she keeps your family as such a big part of N's life. And as far as Tgiving went, she stayed home with N. I originally thought you were going to say they sent N to your mom's house and the rest of the family went somewhere else. And I know that I've been know to get caught up in a task and time got past me! Taking care of an infant and a toddler and working 2nd shift is probably exhausting. The situation is not ideal but we all deal with the hand we've been dealt. She's probably doing what she thinks is best. Her DH doesn't sound like the most caring or supportive person involved (maybe I'm way wrong *I hope* but that's what I get from your example).

You obviously care a great deal for your nephew and IMO, the best way to help him is to help his mother. I'm sure you offer to take him during the day on outings and such with your kids so mom can catch up on cleaning or other chores. That would help your nephew feel special and loved as well as allowing mom to get things done without feeling like she's "dumping" her child on his gparents.

I hope this situation works out to be a happy one for the boy.
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#4 of 8 Old 12-05-2006, 01:40 AM - Thread Starter
 
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sunflowers~no, her dh is not very supportive. and the situation you laid out actually almost happened. my nephew's mother actually had to work on tgiving and we were going to have him come spend it with my family, mother and sister. but at the last minute, her husband's daughter's mother had a fit and demanded to spend the holiday with her child. Which made room for my nephew to go with his mother, stepfather and sister.

we will of course keep trying to help him and support him and make him feel as loved as possible, i guess i am just hoping that he doesn't feel like his mother abadoned him....

another example; my nephew mother had a c-section when she had her daughter. she was in the hospital for 5 days. her husband and his daughter were at the hospital every day. my nephew got to see his mother once in the 5 days for about 10 minutes.

i just really don't like seeing him being brushed aside by his mother. even HER mother (my nephew's other grandmother) has noticed it and she says she is going to have a talk with my nephew's mother. I guess I can just hope that works....:

Thanks for letting me "talk" about it over here....

Ange. Mama to boys. Yup. All Boys. All Intact. A bunch of other NFL, crunchy credentials too.
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#5 of 8 Old 12-05-2006, 12:59 PM
 
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Hi Angelique!
I agree the best thing to do first would be for someone (whomever would be received best) to talk with D about how N is treated, and about how J treats him. Hopefully the situation could be resolved at that level.
I think it's great that you and your mother get to spend so much time with him, but short of either of you essentially having custody of him (which I doubt would happen since otherwise D seems like a decent parent and courts always favor bios anyway) it doesn't seem that there is much you can do. This is really about how D and J treat N.
So, that kind of stinks.
Hopefully talking to her will result in good things.
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#6 of 8 Old 12-05-2006, 04:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hey Jessica, Yeah, I hope the talk helps... For now, it is just obvious that D is favoring her child with her new husband over N.... I guess we never considered how the family would blend, you know? But she was 22 when she had N, so we knew she wasn't going to never get married or be with anyone else...

It seems different to me for his first child versus her first child, only because his first has a mother here on earth, where as my nephew only has a father in heaven. And though we all want to ensure that he knows my brother, he still needs the guidance of a parent here, and when J says things like "I want a son of my own" it's makes it hard. We actually all wished a girl on them because we didn't want things to be worse for my nephew and b/c J insisted that if HE had a son, he would circ him. :

Ange. Mama to boys. Yup. All Boys. All Intact. A bunch of other NFL, crunchy credentials too.
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#7 of 8 Old 12-05-2006, 06:20 PM
 
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I don't usually post here, but I hope you and your family can make this child feel well loved and wanted and useful to you. From what you've said so far I think you are his best hope and his mom may not be in a very good marriage, but she may feel stuck.
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#8 of 8 Old 12-06-2006, 12:23 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by pranamama View Post
I don't usually post here, but I hope you and your family can make this child feel well loved and wanted and useful to you. From what you've said so far I think you are his best hope and his mom may not be in a very good marriage, but she may feel stuck.
Thank you. I really hope we are enough for him... Around the end of her pregnancy they were actually fighting constantly and the D word was mentioned more than once, but they are in church counseling now and trying to work it out. I guess I am just sick of N getting caught in bad situations. He will spend time with my family and be great and then he goes back home and comes back hitting and acting out... :

Ange. Mama to boys. Yup. All Boys. All Intact. A bunch of other NFL, crunchy credentials too.
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