If you buy for one buy for ALL ugh! - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
Old 12-07-2006, 12:24 PM
 
kittn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: In a perpetual letdown
Posts: 1,367
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
How terrible. I swear I would beat the woman. my MIL is fantastic to my older boys (she even watched them when I had the baby) but a few of the family on DH's side has been stupid. It got to the point where DH told them either it's all or nothing and nothing includes not seeing ANY of us (dh included) just the threat was enough.

Annemarie ~catholic mom of 8 -4 boys (19-16-10-7).Emma)2 girls (3 and 1)Someone new due in April too!An yes I Blog @ You Leave me breadless blog
kittn is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 12-07-2006, 01:50 PM
 
Shenjall's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Canada!
Posts: 3,764
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Omg, the cake thing! I had to give my mom "jobs" to do whenever she was over for dinners/occasions 'cause when it came time for serving, she'd be right there pushing people out of the way to get the biggest best peice of anything for ds. Didnt matter whos bday or anthing it was, her "baby" had to have the best - also didnt matter if others went without.

Oy. They're only kids, why do some people feel so threatened by them?
Shenjall is offline  
Old 12-07-2006, 04:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
mama2toomany's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: MN
Posts: 3,206
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
When we talk to her about it she always says things like

"I didn't do it intentionally"

and we say ... umm yes you did and thats why we have a problem with it, you are intentionally leaving out some of our kids"

My aunt went through a favoring phaze with my dd.... my aunt is 45 and never had children or a partner... and when she first saw my dd all these mothering instincts came out of her and she was sooo in love with my dd... the other kids totally picked up on it.. But once I mentioned it she said "omg your right!" and she has been very very careful now to include everyone"

Wish MIL was the same way...

Loving Dh, Mama x 4, Surrogate mother to 5. A born 2003, M and R girl/girl twins 2006, S and C boy/girl twins born 2010. Processing/healing.
mama2toomany is offline  
Old 12-07-2006, 05:57 PM
 
KentuckyDoulaMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: little red house in a small town
Posts: 1,061
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Good for you for taking the actions you did!

I'm in a very similar situation. We have a "his, mine and ours" family.
EXCEPT that the one that gets left out is our youngest dd, MIL's blood grandchild.

Infuriates me.
KentuckyDoulaMama is offline  
Old 12-07-2006, 06:03 PM
 
KentuckyDoulaMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: little red house in a small town
Posts: 1,061
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by mama2toomany View Post
Oh my dh has told her... He called her and said that the GC was on the way back when she asked why he said

"because you didn't include all of my kids mom, I have 4 kids and I only saw a gift for 2 of them"

and she started crying that he was being unfair... He stayed calm and said

"Mom, you can't make me feel guilty for sticking up for my children. I will call you later if you would like to talk rationally"

my dh is so yummy sometimes

Oh man! What I wouldnt' give if my dh just once, just once, stood up for me/kids to his mother. But he's too much of a manipulated mama's boy.

You're a lucky woman!
KentuckyDoulaMama is offline  
Old 12-07-2006, 07:06 PM
 
kdtmom2be's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 3,677
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by mama2toomany View Post
............ dh says its better to "punish her for it, rather than keep the bitter feelings I have over it quiet and do the peace keeper thing with her. otherwise it will never end.

I'm really glad to hear that your DH is supportive of you in your decision to go against his mother. She sounds like a royal cow.

My mother thinks of my step-kids as a part of her family... not exactly as a grandparent, she is happy with them calling her whatever they are comfortable with (also 10&7) but undeniably an equal part of our family, regardless of how many hours they spend with us. Thank goodness!! And my MIL thinks of my BIL's step-daughter as one of her grandkids too. I'm glad there are some sane people in the world. It's just not right to punish children for things that they have no control over, i.e. the blood-relations in their family!!!

Mom to Kayleigh (05/07) Jacob (05/09) and Ned decluttering 615/2010
kdtmom2be is offline  
Old 12-07-2006, 07:12 PM
 
AngelBee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: New Brighton, MN
Posts: 19,261
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would seriously cut off communication with her.

Your dh needs to steo up to the plate and set her straight!!! Like NOW!!!

Dominick is 7 and is not bio dh's. Dh has been in his life since 13 months. Dh's family treats him NO different then our other 3 children. If they did, we would not see them...period!

EDITTED TO ADD: I did not read the other posts yet....just the OP sp I apologize if there is an update. It just is an issue very close to my heart and I take your MIL actions personally.

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

AngelBee is offline  
Old 12-07-2006, 07:22 PM
 
AngelBee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: New Brighton, MN
Posts: 19,261
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kirsten View Post
Unreal. But sadly common in that generation I think. Not all of course! But my MIL (almost 82) thinks that her brother-in-law - who lovingly nursed his wife (MIL's sister) through years of chemo before she died - isn't her family anymore because her sister is dead. Never calls him; doesn't invite him to any holiday meals unless I make her. Makes me nuts.

My parents died when I was a kid. Dh only has his mom (his dad passed away before we had kids). So my kids have one biological grandparent. But my best friend's parents are their chosen grandparents. They are the most amazing people!!! They have two kids together (my best friend is one of them). They have a dd who is biologically his. They have me who is no relation to them - their ds1 brought me home one day, and I never left.

So they have seven grandkids. Three who are biologically his (dd's), three who aren't any blood relation (mine), and one who is fully biologically theirs. You would never know there was any difference from the way they talk about them or treat them. That is how it SHOULD be.... I explained it to my kids that some family you get and some you choose. We chose very, very well.

I am so glad your dh agrees with you. I think your MIL is just a mess. What is her reasoning for being so hateful - when you discuss it with her?
That is beautiful! :

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

AngelBee is offline  
Old 12-07-2006, 07:24 PM
 
AngelBee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: New Brighton, MN
Posts: 19,261
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by mammakerry View Post
My parents have been great about my DsD, but that may be because they know what her bio-parents have done to her. I have custody of DsD, although I am no longer with her dad, because he's an abusive alcoholic. My parents have been paying for my laywer so I could fight for custody of DD, and they even changed their will so DD is included. The only thing they've done that excludes her slightly is say that they can't babysit her at different times, but that's also because DD has special needs which include some really crazy behaviors.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this! : The first year DD was here my grandmother tried excluding her, but I told her it wasn't ok. After that she's been great.
You are my hero! :

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

AngelBee is offline  
Old 12-07-2006, 08:14 PM
 
Imvishta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 439
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I am buying myself this book for Christmas: Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting over Narcissistic Parents by Nina W. Brown (See reviews on Amazon)

Your MIL is horribly narcissistic! In a round-about way she sounds like my own mother, who gave me tons of gifts, yet would allow my step-relatives to ignore me even when it involved annual Christmas parties where I'd have to watch my step-cousins opening gifts from my mother and her (now ex) husband, while I received none from the parents/families of most of them. It never mattered how much money my mother spent on gifts for me, which were always just expensive things she liked and not the one or two simple things I'd requested. The real gift would have been standing up for me as a person who mattered. She never did, and on Christmas Day 2001 (I was 35) I finally realized that she would never change, I walked out and have never spoken to her again. I could go on with this, but just don't want to right now...

I think it's great that your DH stands up for you. And, I agree with the other poster who said he should be the one to handle this problem as it could make you look like the one preventing her biological grand-children from getting her gifts. People like that have an amazing way of turning you into the bad guy. And, what you've said about her other behavior (i.e. the cake) is just cruel. And, it's all so disrespectful of all of you, not just the children.

Now, here's a question... DH has two nephews from one brother. They live in Arizona. While he got to know his nephews while living in that area, he now lives all the way across the country. I think he had met his new step-niece and step-nephew once, if that, before this summer when we visited and I met them for the first time. We kind of hardly exist for them, I think. They are all teenagers.

DH has always sent his nephews about $20 each in a card for both their birthdays and Christmas, and continued after our marriage. He sent these to their home with their mother, not the home where the step-niece and step-nephew live. I did say I thought we should sent to the step-children, as well. But, he doesn't want to get anything started. Even though we send Christmas gifts to each family as a whole (i.e. food items) that particular BIL and family do not send anything to us, nor does his ex-wife, nor anything for our birthdays (no cards or phone calls) not even a card for DS's first birthday. (They did send a gift for his birth; although DH's nephews' mother did not, despite the fact that DH has always done for her children.) Should we start something new with everyone by starting to send to the step-niece and step-nephew? By starting something I mean, then it's kind of implied that the BIL and SIL should be sending something to us on birthdays and Christmas, etc. In that regard I'm thinking let's just don't. What do you all think?

Oh, and if we ever did visit at Christmas and celebrate with them we would certainly buy them gifts in the same way we would buy a gift for someone who invited us to their birthday party when otherwise we would not have done so. They are very nice kids. We just have so many family problems already I just kind of agree about not getting involved with any more family members to any extent more than we must. Does that make sense?
Imvishta is offline  
Old 12-07-2006, 09:16 PM
 
Shenjall's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Canada!
Posts: 3,764
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Okay, lemme get this straight.

Bil, lets call him Bill, has 2 boys that live with their mother. Bill is remarried and now stepdad to 2 kids (boy and girl) which I assume he lives with, right?

If I'm right, this is my take on it. First, any gifts to the brothers children should be given to brother to give to them, (b/c he's the tie that binds so to speak)
And I would say yes, giving gifts to the new sneice and snephew should happen as well. They are now part of the family, whether you know them well or not. I think it would be a very nice gesture, and a great way to reach out to the new members of your family. If you dont want to start the whole bil/sil gift giving, just let them know that. We made that decision with dh brothers/wives. Cards only for each other at bdays/xmas but kids get gifts.
Hope that helps!
Shenjall is offline  
Old 12-07-2006, 09:44 PM
 
Imvishta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 439
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shenjall View Post
Okay, lemme get this straight.

Bil, lets call him Bill, has 2 boys that live with their mother. Bill is remarried and now stepdad to 2 kids (boy and girl) which I assume he lives with, right?

If I'm right, this is my take on it. First, any gifts to the brothers children should be given to brother to give to them, (b/c he's the tie that binds so to speak)
And I would say yes, giving gifts to the new sneice and snephew should happen as well. They are now part of the family, whether you know them well or not. I think it would be a very nice gesture, and a great way to reach out to the new members of your family. If you dont want to start the whole bil/sil gift giving, just let them know that. We made that decision with dh brothers/wives. Cards only for each other at bdays/xmas but kids get gifts.
Hope that helps!
You got the first part (paragraph) right. But, we don't send actual wrapped gifts. We send a small gift of cash in a card to the boys at the home where they live with their mother, the BIL's ex-wife. (And, he's only recently remarried.)

I do think it would be a nice gesture, but since I posted earlier I asked DH and he says he's not even sure he ever met them before this summer. It's like we're not even related. Let me add that when we sent flowers for my in-laws 50th anniversary (then went at the end of the summer to Arizona, as did some other family, to celebrate) and sent MIL a combo gift of a box of chocolates and a coursage for Mother's Day (just a small gesture, which no one else in the family does) she said to DH, "Well, I hope she doesn't expect this from me!" I never thought about her sending me a gift, but, now that I think about it, a card might have been nice. Really, he should have never told me that, but I thought, "What a b----!" No wonder no one else sends her anything! So, my point is that the whole family is kind of weird about the gift giving anyway.

Oh, I just re-read the part about the tie that bind that you wrote. I suppose it's because he's pretty unreliable in general (at the moment his oldest son won't even go to his house) and my DH was just sending cards with cash anyway. Unless the ex-wife was preventing the boys from a gift of any kind I don't see why it couldn't be sent to that home. But, just from all that we've just written, see how "complicated" it can get?
Imvishta is offline  
Old 12-07-2006, 10:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
mama2toomany's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: MN
Posts: 3,206
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shenjall View Post
Okay, lemme get this straight.

Bil, lets call him Bill, has 2 boys that live with their mother. Bill is remarried and now stepdad to 2 kids (boy and girl) which I assume he lives with, right?

If I'm right, this is my take on it. First, any gifts to the brothers children should be given to brother to give to them, (b/c he's the tie that binds so to speak)
And I would say yes, giving gifts to the new sneice and snephew should happen as well. They are now part of the family, whether you know them well or not. I think it would be a very nice gesture, and a great way to reach out to the new members of your family. If you dont want to start the whole bil/sil gift giving, just let them know that. We made that decision with dh brothers/wives. Cards only for each other at bdays/xmas but kids get gifts.
Hope that helps!
Yeah That. Its important to make the kids feel apart of the family... I would say if its not possible to send a gift to everyone or make everyone feel included then just send a birthday card to each or everyone gets the same... kwim?

Loving Dh, Mama x 4, Surrogate mother to 5. A born 2003, M and R girl/girl twins 2006, S and C boy/girl twins born 2010. Processing/healing.
mama2toomany is offline  
Old 12-07-2006, 10:08 PM
 
Shenjall's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Canada!
Posts: 3,764
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Oh yeah, I see how complicated it can be.

If sending the gift directly to the boys(I know its cash, but its still a gift) works for you and dh, then more power to ya! I just remember a family member sending gifts for dh kids (before they moved in) to their moms and he felt slighted. Like, he didnt matter anymore.

Thats strange about the gift thing. However, I admit my bil wife gets a little freaked out like that. "well, what do I do now, does she expect something? what should I do?". Man, its a cup of coffee! (jk)

Anyhow, you dont feel related yet - but you are. I just see it as these are his kids now, and if you give to his other kids, then you should give to all of his kids. I dont think the relationship entirely matters at this point. I have a nephew I've seen maybe 2x in his life (he's almost 4) and honestly dont feel any bond at all with him, but he's still my nephew, yk?

But hey, its just my opinion.
Shenjall is offline  
Old 12-07-2006, 11:56 PM
 
Imvishta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 439
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shenjall View Post
Oh yeah, I see how complicated it can be.

If sending the gift directly to the boys(I know its cash, but its still a gift) works for you and dh, then more power to ya! I just remember a family member sending gifts for dh kids (before they moved in) to their moms and he felt slighted. Like, he didnt matter anymore.

Thats strange about the gift thing. However, I admit my bil wife gets a little freaked out like that. "well, what do I do now, does she expect something? what should I do?". Man, its a cup of coffee! (jk)

Anyhow, you dont feel related yet - but you are. I just see it as these are his kids now, and if you give to his other kids, then you should give to all of his kids. I dont think the relationship entirely matters at this point. I have a nephew I've seen maybe 2x in his life (he's almost 4) and honestly dont feel any bond at all with him, but he's still my nephew, yk?

But hey, its just my opinion.

I think it really does get complicated with divorce/remarriage because there are so many feelings that can be hurt and for so many different reasons. So, about not starting anything... if you don't count their marriages to each other more than once, between my father, mother and current step-mother they have at least 9 marriages! So, I've become a little apathetic toward some marriages (said BIL and SIL have 4). People have really come and gone in my life, and I'm just tired of it all.

Oh, I started another thread about the Mother's Day incident. Just wondering what other's experiences are with gift expectations for that holiday.

DH and I will discuss step-niece/nephew again.
Imvishta is offline  
Old 12-11-2006, 01:02 AM
 
UptownZoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: In the monkey cage...
Posts: 2,208
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
: : OMG, this is so my life! I have two kids; DH has one kid; we have one kid together. DH's son (SS) is the light of my IL's lives. They seriously, absolutely do not get it that we are a family, all of us together, with four children. (We have shared custody of all three older kids.) They think they can just dote on SS, kind of notice our "together" son, and basically ignore my two. Ummm, no! We've been through all of that: outrageous gifts for SS, and nothing (or junk) for the others; IL's wanting to fly SS to visit them a coupla times a year, but never coming to see the rest of the kids, etc.

Just to vent, DH and I don't allow video games. The kids play some on the computer, but we don't want a playstation or gameboys or any of those things. It just doesn't fit with our lifestyle, and a couple of the kids tend to get obsessed. IL's got it in their heads that SS HAD to have a gameboy (this, after we fought for months over a PS2 that they sent and we didn't want). I mean, it was crazy. FIL accused me of being neglectful because all 3 of our older kids didn't have one and at least he could "save" SS from that. We refused. DH was great, just said no, we don't want it, you'll have to think of something else. So the IL's sent it to SS's mom's house. Poor DH! He had to practically threaten total estrangement to get them to understand how fundamentally wrong that was!

Ummm...geez. Sorry to hijack with my own vent! Just know you're totally not alone, and you're so right to stick up for yourselves and ALL of your kids. Kudos to you and to your DH. Egad, since I became part of a blended family, I dread the holidays in a whole new way, ya' know? Too many agendas. Ever just wish you could take your DH and your kiddos (all of them) and run away to live life anonymously? No ex's, no ILs, none of it? Of course, that would be bad, because we need our families and our kids need their other parents, but it's so exhausting sometimes.

computergeek2.gif

UptownZoo is offline  
Old 12-11-2006, 03:07 PM
 
Jilian's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Posts: 12,040
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
You are swesome for sticking up for your family, and so is your DH!

When I was younger I went through the same thing with my step-dad's mother. We would get together with my step-dad's children from a previous marriage on Christmas day every year and hid mother would come in with LOADS of presents for his other 3 kids and barely anything (dollar store crap) at all for my sister and I. My step-dad and my mom talked to her about it many times and she still continued to do it so we stopped going to see her. It was pretty hurtful and I'm glad my parents stuck up for me.

Zen doula-mama to my spirited DS1 (2/03), my CHD (TAPVR) warrior DS2 (6/07) & a gentle baby girl (8/09)
Jilian is offline  
Old 12-11-2006, 07:25 PM
 
*caitlinsmom*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 430
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by uptownzoo;6731628 Egad, since I became part of a blended family, I dread the holidays in a whole new way, ya' know? Too many agendas. Ever just wish you could take your DH and your kiddos (all of them) and run away to live life anonymously? No ex's, no ILs, none of it? Of course, that would be bad, because we need our families and our kids need their other parents, but it's so [I
exhausting[/I] sometimes.
yes. I too dred the holidays now. I have told DH that I want to just dissappear for the entire holiday season to a little cabin on a beach. spend the holiday season walking along the cold, windswept beach, collecting shells, blissfully unaware of the whole holiday/blended family agenda.

Still trying to talk him into it.
*caitlinsmom* is offline  
Old 12-11-2006, 11:53 PM
 
bczmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 434
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I really admit to having mixed feelings about some of this. My parents do gifts for DSS and even for the ex's new baby with her husband, but they don't really do them because of their relationship with DSS (bc they don't really have a grandparenting style relationship with him) -- they do it to be kind and, quite frankly, to make my life easier.

But the idea that what they do for my DS must "match" what they do for DSS is one I have some issue with. My parents have started to set aside money at birthday and christmas for DS for college -- they aren't doing that for DSS and I don't think they should be expected to. They've spend about $30 on the ex's new baby, $60 on DSS and $250 (plus college $) for DS. The way christmas-time is divided up, my parents will be able to give DS his gifts without flaunting them in front of DSS, which I really think is a key problem. My parents have also been updating their will (my dad unfortunately is ill) and have been very clear that they don't want their estate (or family things -- grandpa's violin, grt-grt grandpa's civil war saber, etc.) to go anywhere other than me and DS -- I think that's fair too.
bczmama is offline  
Old 12-12-2006, 12:24 AM
 
Momma Aimee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: deep in South Texas and ready to go home
Posts: 9,304
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
they don't want their estate (or family things -- grandpa's violin, grt-grt grandpa's civil war saber, etc.) to go anywhere other than me and DS -- I think that's fair too.
I am not sure I do feel that is ok....special stuff (a music instument) should, of course, be left to who will love it most....but other than that -- family is family.

Evey family has to say what is best for them with step -kids --espcailly considering who other family the child has -- but if anyone marries a person with a child, they marry that child too -- all equal.

JMO

A

Aimee + Scott = Theodore Roosevelt (11/05) and 23 months later Charles Abraham (10/07)....praying for a little sister; the search starts May 2014
Momma Aimee is offline  
Old 12-12-2006, 12:46 AM
 
Shenjall's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Canada!
Posts: 3,764
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My mil gave my ds (not her bio grandchild) her mothers rosary. I cant tell you how much it melted my heart. Not to mention the look on his face when she told him who it belonged to and that she was waiting to give it to one of her grandchildren. He was the perfect family member to get it, I'm glad she didnt let lack of blood stand in the way.
Shenjall is offline  
Old 12-12-2006, 01:07 AM
 
bczmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 434
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
"-- but if anyone marries a person with a child, they marry that child too -- all equal."

I am not DSS' mother. There are a number of choices, decisions and courses of action that my DH and his ex reach together about DSS because they are his parents. I am supportive of those, and try only to step in where the issue will negatively impact either me or my DS. However, I do not have all the rights of being DSS' mother, and therefore I don't feel I have all the responsibilities either.

DSS has his own maternal grandparents, his own maternal family history & stories, his own maternal family heirlooms. My step-grandmother raised my mom from the age of three, but when she died, the pre-civil war sharpshooting medals and diary of life on a frontier fort, family bible, antique photo album (resembling none of us), and the stories my mom knew about them were given back by my mom to the cousins whose family name was in the bible, who resembled the pictures in the photo album -- no matter how fascinating the items were and no matter how well we would have taken care of them.
bczmama is offline  
Old 12-12-2006, 06:40 PM
 
Laggie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Vancouver
Posts: 3,033
Mentioned: 3 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Obviously this is a touchy topic that we all relate to!

In regards to the OP - I think it sounds like the nasty MIL probably did think you would divide the gifts up equally (more or less) between all of your boys. So she figured it was okay to put what SHE wanted to on the card and let you "make it right." That way she could be nasty to you, but still allow you to divide the gifts the way you want.

I think that's probably why she sent a gift card this time. But for some reason couldn't quite bring herself to be nice and address it to all the kids.

Not that that makes it any better. It sounds like your MIL is so stubborn she can't back down. I imagine you are both still angry after last year. Maybe you could try speaking with her instead of sending things in the mail? It's a lot harder to stay angry when you are talking to a real person.

I'm not saying that she is right... just that I think more of an effort should be made to resolve this without escalating the argument. Could your husband have called MIL and said "Mom, I notice you only addressed the gift card to two kids... I'm assuming that was a mistake? Would you like us to use it to buy gifts for all the kids, or send it back to you?"

I dunno, maybe I'm being too nice... but where family and friends are concerned, I always try to assume the best of intentions, even when things seem very very bad. A spoonful of sugar and all that.

Finally pregnant with #1 and #2! Due September 9th, 2014 
   
Laggie is offline  
 
User Tag List

Thread Tools


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off