If you buy for one buy for ALL ugh! - Mothering Forums
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Blended and Step Family Parenting > If you buy for one buy for ALL ugh!
mama2toomany's Avatar mama2toomany 05:32 PM 12-06-2006
So being the beautiful blended family we are holidays get frustrating

My Lovely MIL (that was me being snarky)

is coming for Christmas ...

my dd and my dh's son are my MIL's true blood grandkids. I have 2 other boys from my first marriage.

So Last year I wigged out royally because MIL sent a HUGE box full of gifts...

9 gifts where all wrapped for Christian (dss) and 1 small present for dd (1 at the time)

my sons 8 and 6 at the time got nada... nothing not one gift from her.

I didn't tell them and sent all the presents back to MIL with a note that says that I am sure she forgot to pack gifts for my boys and I would love for her to add them to the package so we could all open them together.

She sent them BACK again. with no changes made so all the gifts got donated to toys for tots.

I sent out a huge email to all my family (but it was just really intended for her) saying that we are a blended family and none of the kids are less of a part of this. I explained that my kids had worked hard on her gift and they ARE her grandkids. I really thought she understood this. I didn't say you MUST get them a gift. I just said that If she did not buy one gift for all the kids and keep it at an even number of gifts for everyone then please just send one holiday card with your name in it. We don't want gifts unless everyone gets one... (the kids that is)

Did I get through to her? Nope... I just got a christmas card in the mail addressed to my dd and dss with a target gift card in it for 200.00

So it went back in the mail... and if she sends it back again some FIN is going to get it because I have had it up to my ears with this women not including my kids in things... they are 9 (almost 10) and 7.... they know whats going on here. she doesn't send them a birthday card and she never forgets the other kids. She is there only other grandparent besides my mom like it or not. And my mom includes everyone... she just sends a card with everyones name on it. I wish she would just stop it and make things happier for everyone here...

MIL is getting coal if she sends that GC back... without changing the card and names on it.

alegna's Avatar alegna 06:02 PM 12-06-2006
That's awful to you.

How can people be so pointedly MEAN?

HollyBearsMom's Avatar HollyBearsMom 06:05 PM 12-06-2006
Talk about toxic! I am so sorry you have to deal with this.
neetling's Avatar neetling 06:14 PM 12-06-2006
That's just heartbreaking that she can be cruel to CHILDREN! I'd cut her off completely if she wont stop behaviour like this.
Hey Mama!'s Avatar Hey Mama! 06:15 PM 12-06-2006
I'm sorry she is being such a ua violation! i would have just spent the gift card equally amoungst all the children and then sent her a lovely email or letter explaining what each child got.
laohaire's Avatar laohaire 06:25 PM 12-06-2006
mama2toomany's Avatar mama2toomany 06:26 PM 12-06-2006
See I almost did that last year... divide the presents up between the boys... But they never even knew that the gift came... and my dh told me not to. He said if I do it this year I will have to do it every year and my point and our family values and respect will never be shown to his mother. The boys are not suffering because I don't let them know this has happened. So I choose to handle it this way because maybe she will get the hint if I keep sending things back... if not she will continue to disrespect my kids in these ways and they will never know because I keep switching things... dh says its better to "punish her for it, rather than keep the bitter feelings I have over it quiet and do the peace keeper thing with her. otherwise it will never end.

Maybe once she really gets it she will understand better that yeah it hurts to have your gifts mailed back but it hurts even worse to not be loved by one of your last remaining grandparents/////kwim? Did that make sense?
grypx831's Avatar grypx831 06:48 PM 12-06-2006
That's heartbreaking
TanyaS's Avatar TanyaS 07:16 PM 12-06-2006
I think your dh should return the gift with a note explaining that his stepchildren are a part of his family, and it's disrespectful to him for her to pointedly ignore the other children after you have already conveyed your parental wishes once.
aywilkes's Avatar aywilkes 10:30 PM 12-06-2006
Originally Posted by mama2toomany View Post
I didn't tell them and sent all the presents back to MIL with a note that says that I am sure she forgot to pack gifts for my boys and I would love for her to add them to the package so we could all open them together.

She sent them BACK again. with no changes made so all the gifts got donated to toys for tots.
You are the WOMAN!!! It sucks to have her act like that. How does she interact with your boys when they are around her?
taradt's Avatar taradt 10:39 PM 12-06-2006
That was my Grandmother. She was the only grandmother I knew (my parents got together when I was under 2 years old). The years I got things I always knew it was for "show" not because she cared. My parents tried to hide it but kids are pretty smart.

toxic, evil people like that can't and won't change. I would cut her out of all your lives, none of your children need that.

philomom's Avatar philomom 10:47 PM 12-06-2006
Grr! I know a woman like this. If cutting cake she would cut much bigger pieces for her "real" grandkids than the others.

I would always cut cake into equal size chunks even if I had to get a ruler to help.

This is much worse than cake.
bczmama's Avatar bczmama 11:17 PM 12-06-2006
I agree with an earlier poster's advice to let your DH handle the relationship with his mother. Strategically, as a stepmother, I wouldn't put myself in a situation where I was preventing a present from reaching my stepchild -- that can too easily be twisted into something its not.
Clarinet's Avatar Clarinet 11:19 PM 12-06-2006
I'm glad your husband agrees with you but I also think he should be the one to contact his mother and tell her his stepchildren are his family and she needs to treat them equally.

My brother and his girlfriend have been together more than three years now and my mother doesn't acknowledge her two kids' birthdays. She does get them Christmas presents and they are always nice and appropriate for them but she does it out of obligation because she doesn't want them to feel bad, not because she considers them family. I try to reason with her about the birthdays and I still think that behaviour is crappy.
bobica's Avatar bobica 11:21 PM 12-06-2006
ditto- i would have dh deal with her. that's just so mean!
Momma Aimee's Avatar Momma Aimee 11:26 PM 12-06-2006
I'm sorry she is being such a ua violation! i would have just spent the gift card equally amoungst all the children and then sent her a lovely email or letter explaining what each child got.
I would spend the gift card equally on all the kids -- or a big gift for the family

tehn have each child write a thank you note -- specifically thanksing HER for what THEY got -- your two are old enough to do this really well -- and mail the thanks you notes together. then she will get the point -- the only way any kid gets gift, is if they all do.

dos she know the gifdts last year went to TFT -- if not -- tell her.

---------- I agree --- it sounds liek DH supports you -- HE needs to tell him mom that your kids are his family too.

sehbub's Avatar sehbub 11:44 PM 12-06-2006
Ugh. I am so sorry. I can't imagine what i would do if my parents acted that way towards DDs1&2 (technically my stepdaughters). It was one of my biggest fears though, at least while my mother was on unstable meds...long story.

Will your DH talk to her? Will she care if it's coming from him?
mama2toomany's Avatar mama2toomany 12:24 AM 12-07-2006
Oh my dh has told her... He called her and said that the GC was on the way back when she asked why he said

"because you didn't include all of my kids mom, I have 4 kids and I only saw a gift for 2 of them"

and she started crying that he was being unfair... He stayed calm and said

"Mom, you can't make me feel guilty for sticking up for my children. I will call you later if you would like to talk rationally"

my dh is so yummy sometimes
boobjuice's Avatar boobjuice 01:13 AM 12-07-2006
Shame on grandma! good for you! perhaps you could purchase psychology books on blended families or self help books with the GC and give them to her.

if you're christian, get her a bible and highlight some scripture for her.

what a sin and what a shame.
Momma Aimee's Avatar Momma Aimee 01:27 AM 12-07-2006
i don;'t get it

My MIL has one step-grandkid -- my neice. DN has been faimly since she was 3 (and "dating family" since she was not yet 2) she is not 14.....our DS is next yongest....when MIL was here I busted her she said -- to my son "it has been a long time since i had a grandbaby, my last gradnbaby is now 18" I said "B is only 14 grandma" -- slam.


I don't get it -- family is family. My son has 2 non'blood grandma's who I'd choose over MIL in a second.

I am soooooooooooo glad that your DH did that -- I am proud of hima nd don't even know him

Shenjall's Avatar Shenjall 01:36 AM 12-07-2006
I hear ya. I've got a thread around here about my "mother" doing this. We've gone the cut out route. She just wont learn. I hope your mil does.

There are good people out there - my ex mil refers to herself as "grammy" to my skids. She even took one of them (with my ds, her bio gson) to a movie and pool for the day!

Your dh is yummy from all the vaginalizing you've done.
mama2toomany's Avatar mama2toomany 02:43 AM 12-07-2006
LOL i told him you said that and he chuckled.

MIL is very sweet to the boys in person... until something comes up like the cake thing in a PP..

My daughter had a pony cake last year for her first birthday and MIL was here and she asked dss witch peice he wanted first... I said well its dds birthday lets pick out a nice one for her and we can all get a peice we think is the best.

So When it was my oldests turn to pick out a peice he wanted one with a flower but she gave him the HORSES ASS instead... and laughed about it..

I kicked her out that day. And told her she had to tell my son she was sorry... and she did.. and promised it would never happen again... but ugh!

I am really tempted at times to just cut her out of the loop. But the mushy side of me won't let me for my dh's sake. His family is painfully small.. he doesn't have aunts,uncles or cousins or anything there are a total of 8 people in his family including me and our children... so I just want to keep everyone calm... and the not so mushy b*tch part of me loves telling her off...

I just tell myself
"she can't live forever"
Flor's Avatar Flor 03:51 AM 12-07-2006
YOU are awesome. I don't get it. How is it so hard to go shopping and buy toys for kids? What';s more fun than that? Why not just enjoy it? Why isn't she just happy to have a whole BUNCH of grandkids?

Well, a FIN will really enjoy themselves some target this year!
hipumpkins's Avatar hipumpkins 04:01 AM 12-07-2006
Your MIL sucks..but your DH ROCKS!!!!
mama2toomany's Avatar mama2toomany 05:34 AM 12-07-2006
Originally Posted by hipumpkins View Post
Your MIL sucks..but your DH ROCKS!!!!

Kirsten's Avatar Kirsten 06:26 AM 12-07-2006
Unreal. But sadly common in that generation I think. Not all of course! But my MIL (almost 82) thinks that her brother-in-law - who lovingly nursed his wife (MIL's sister) through years of chemo before she died - isn't her family anymore because her sister is dead. Never calls him; doesn't invite him to any holiday meals unless I make her. Makes me nuts.

My parents died when I was a kid. Dh only has his mom (his dad passed away before we had kids). So my kids have one biological grandparent. But my best friend's parents are their chosen grandparents. They are the most amazing people!!! They have two kids together (my best friend is one of them). They have a dd who is biologically his. They have me who is no relation to them - their ds1 brought me home one day, and I never left.

So they have seven grandkids. Three who are biologically his (dd's), three who aren't any blood relation (mine), and one who is fully biologically theirs. You would never know there was any difference from the way they talk about them or treat them. That is how it SHOULD be.... I explained it to my kids that some family you get and some you choose. We chose very, very well.

I am so glad your dh agrees with you. I think your MIL is just a mess. What is her reasoning for being so hateful - when you discuss it with her?
TinkerBelle's Avatar TinkerBelle 10:47 AM 12-07-2006
I may have issues with my inlaws, but this is one area where I have to give them big kudos.

My husband is the youngest of 12 kids. Yes. 12. Anyhoo, there have been a few who have remarried and had step kids, you know, the whole route. My MIL makes sure those children are treated as she treats her bio grandkids. She even makes lists to make sure she doesn't forget birthdays and has always included them in Christmas, as it should be.

Now, if my MIL, who has over 30 grandkids, greatgrands and stepgrands, can do it, why can't others?

I would absolutely pitch the fit of the century if my mother or MIL acted like that.
Strong Mama's Avatar Strong Mama 10:58 AM 12-07-2006
My grandmother is the sweetest woman in the world. She buys for EVERYONE, yep. even though my mom(her STEP DAUGHTER) has been divorced from my dad for over 20years, she still buys my dad stuff and takes us all out to dinner AND gives us $50 each, including my new hubby who she has only met a few times. She always always includes everyone equally.
Haydee's Avatar Haydee 11:15 AM 12-07-2006
My parents have been great about my DsD, but that may be because they know what her bio-parents have done to her. I have custody of DsD, although I am no longer with her dad, because he's an abusive alcoholic. My parents have been paying for my laywer so I could fight for custody of DD, and they even changed their will so DD is included. The only thing they've done that excludes her slightly is say that they can't babysit her at different times, but that's also because DD has special needs which include some really crazy behaviors.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this! : The first year DD was here my grandmother tried excluding her, but I told her it wasn't ok. After that she's been great.
jenmk's Avatar jenmk 11:45 AM 12-07-2006
You and your DH rock!! Sorry to hear MIL is such a stick. Yikes.
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