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Old 12-11-2006, 11:19 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Shenjall View Post
Quick question about the gift situation, do you and the ex discuss what gifts you are getting before an event? Is that how she finds out then buys them first?
We only discuss the gifts we are buying for the kids themselves first. She found out about the other thing in a purely accidental way: The kids were here when I finally found it and SS went home and told her. We don't bother to tell her things that are for the family like the year we got a zoo membership or the games we keep here so there is something other than TV to occupy everyone while they are here. Most of the time it's a non-issue because we cannot afford much by way of gifts anyway and don't even bother to try to keep up w/ her.

The situation really does suck, especially since I've known DH's kids for a year longer than I've known DH. We had an awful time before DH decided to let it go.
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Old 12-11-2006, 12:05 PM
 
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I have read thru the first 3 pages and just had to get this out cause I wasn't sure it had been said.

The good and positive thing seems to be that the kids are going to get to see their other side of the family!! The visitations seem sporadic to non-existant, but even if she was just sending them for gifts, this is the time to take advantage of getting to see them!! They play with their little sister and see for themselves what you guys are like. No telling what they are told, but maybe seeing you guys will leave them with a good impression.

It is difficult. I remember my dad telling me once that he couldn't afford to help me with braces bc he couldn't afford it since his kids with his new wife had them already. Yeah, I am sure it would be tight, but I will never forget that it clearly told me that I was not as important.

He was the only dad I had and I couldn't help what happened. Instead I grew up w/out a dad 'cause I would rather not have a dad than be hurt. I know it isn't your place to take their dad's responsibility, but the kids need to see some kindness and your daughter is their sister.

I hope you guys can enjoy getting to see them and maybe they will enjoy being around you guys. They are getting old enuf to tell their mom they might like to be around you all more and who knows. Maybe nothing will change, but maybe it will.

I'm a single working mom of 3 wonderful kiddos. 

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Old 12-11-2006, 12:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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OT again, I have thought about this, too. I generally spend a little more on dss than on ds, just because dss is a preteen and his stuff costs more, though ds probably has more presents. . . but dss also goes to another Christmas at his mom's house. Same with allowance. We were giving him 8 dollars a week (32 month) then his mom started giving him 40 a month. . what the heck does a 10 yo need with 72 dollars a month???

If it were me, I'd probably spend the 400 dollars on your dd, and 100 on the stepkids (it is just one night that you see them). 50 bucks each should be a big, exciting present each. Like a big Lego set or something. Will they be there when your dd opens all her presents? In that case, maybe more. .

I just keep thinking of them going home thinking, "Remember the time our dad bought us nothing and the other girl got all this stuff" or "Remember when we got 10 dollar gift cards and other girl got a million presents?" It seems like an image that would stick with an adolescent for a long time. It would be seen as proof of something.

I think any kid, even one who doesn't have a relationship with a parent, wants to believe that they are really special to that parent even if they act like they don't care.

The children will not be around when dd opens her gifts. Also they never come to our home so unless they see her with something at their grandfathers they have no idea what she has.
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Old 12-11-2006, 01:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Shenjall, many people believe that and it causes no end of issues. Personally, we do not buy gifts for people who only show up at gift time. That means that my extended family (2 sets of parents, aunts, grandparents, etc) do not buy for my skids. They have not seen them in years and before that the only time they showed up was at holidays and birthdays. DH and I make sure to take some of whatever our holiday budget is and get the other kids something. He's not real motivated after the fiasco last year when we put several gift cards into one huge family gift and the BM went and bought the same thing for SS so he had it *all for himself* and didn't have to share. So this year they are each getting one gift and their stockings. We don't have much to begin with and it was very hurtful b/c we know BM wasn't planning to buy that until after we did. (And we got it the week before Christmas so it was purely to show us up.) There will also be a few 'family gifts' of games and such.

To the OP, I'd do whatever you were planning to do for t hem. It seems as if there are several other factors in play here other than just the holiday presents issue. My DH was one to want to spend $$$ on his older children until he realized how much of a hardship that puts on our family. Especially when the BM was playing all her games and refusing to allow visitation and accuaing me of abuse that could have lost us the littles. Things are better now that we no longer play any of her games. Have you considered counseling with your DH to have some neutral ground to discuss the children? We had to use a mediator as well as some sessions with a therapist to clear our issues up.
This falls right in with a bit of an update.....
DH got a call the other night from the childrens uncle (they are close friends) he wanted him to come by. He got there and his kids were there. The kids asked for dd etc I did not go the next morning as requested. This am on his way out the door DH says DSD is really a mess, she's lying and carrying on, she said you cussed her out, when he dug she couldn't give details, he told her she needed to stop lying and that is what is keeping them apart. He told me he doesn't want to go to his fathers.
These children are old enough to potentially cause a problem in our household. What if she doesn't like something on xmas eve and decides to go home again and say I did something to her? I'd like to show these children that they are loved, at the same time I have little tiny kids to worry about and I feel like deep down that staying away is best for me and my children. Their mother will take every opportunity to make our life more difficult, I don't feel I should give the kids or their mother any chance to do that. If they aren't around me and prue they can't make up stories about what went on.
I was starting to feel I was being childish as I haven't seen or talked to them and maybe they are growing up missing their dad and realizing things are always what they seem. After all this I feel like I just need to trust my instincts because things are obviously worse.
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Old 12-11-2006, 01:27 PM
 
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Although I agree with most of what is being said (that you should absolutley buys gifts for your step children) I did just want to add something. I don't think you are a horrible person for feeling the way you do. I am a step mom, and me and my husband struggle with the gift buying every year (not just on Chrsitmas but throughout the year) for his son. His mother places no value on ANYTHING, and when we buy him things, they end up lost, missing, broken, or in the trash.

I think it's easy to make judements when you don't know the whole story. There are always 2 sides, and I think it's unfair to always make the mother out to be the saint and the father to be a good for nothing.
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Old 12-11-2006, 01:43 PM
 
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Man, it sounds tough.

One of my dss used to make up stuff about me too - I called him this or that, I made him do this or that, etc. But since we were hearing it from his mom we figure it was blown up a little for effect. Things always change as they go thru different people, yk?
Since he was just a kid, we also figured he was having some loyalty issues. He and I got along great - which is why it was such a surprise to hear that he was saying this stuff, but thats exactly why he was saying it. He liked me but felt he was disloyal to his mom. I would bet any amount of money thats what happening in this case. Not to mention, when a child misses their parent and they're upset about it, they never blame the parent, they'll blame anyone or anything else they can. They wont allow themselves to be mad at them for some reason. So, while in kid world, the reason they dont see their dad (and do miss him) is all your fault, but in adult world the reason is really the fault of his mom and dad. But they'll never see it that way since kids hate to find fault in their parents. YK?

I say you should also buy a box of chocolates for them and their mom. A small gesture like that will show them alot. It might actually put them at ease around you. Dont take what they say personally, they're just kids trying to muddle thru adult messes.

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I think it's unfair to always make the mother out to be the saint and the father to be a good for nothing.
I agree!
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Old 12-11-2006, 01:57 PM
 
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Just this week we were informed that 2 of DH's children from a previous relationship will be coming to dinner on Xmas eve at FIL's house. I said I'm not buying gifts. DH is upset. How do I handle this? their mother has full custody dh pays her cs I think it's more than enough I feel that the kids are just being sent so they can get gifts. No one see's them any other time during the year or hears from her unless she wants something.

Last time we went for xmas the kids took one look at me and said mom said she isn't supposed to be here.

What do I say if the kids repeat this sentiment this year? Last xmas we weren't married, this year we are.

BTW dh is a sahd. I've already budgeted for xmas and they weren't in it. I can't afford to add them now unless I take away from other people who I love and know and see throughout the year.


Haven't read the responses yet, so forgive me if I'm repeating. I understand your issues. First you are angry that you are being informed of what's happening, instead of taking part in the decision-making process. Second, you're frustrated that you earn the money and then send some to the mother, which you may then feel is not being spent appropriately. Third, you don't have a relationship with the kids and perhaps do not like them or feel resentful.

I don't know how old they are, but they are kids. I think it's wrong of you to deny your DH the ability to buy his children gifts (within reason, as with every gift you give this season). I earn the $ and DH is the SAHD. He already feels strange sometimes that he doesn't have any money of his "own." (as he says, whereas I believe it is all our money) You are really disrespecting him and marginalizing him at this point.
Of course, you planned in advance. And it's a little unfair for a wrench to be thrown into the works because your DH couldn't get it together sooner. But I think you should just suck it up this year, and next year, make him decide in advance if he's giving gifts so you can budget. Then, if he changes his mind after you've warned him it's too late, he can rescue the money from elsewhere in the budget.

eta: child support does not include gifts from you.
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Old 12-11-2006, 02:07 PM
 
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Maybe it might be best if your DH started taking visits with SKs somewhere other than your home? Without you and the little around. It sounds like his kids are crying out for his attention and he really does have some time to make up for, YK? Maybe a trip to the park, a movie, the zoo?

I just can't see how shutting his kids out of his life will have a positive effect for them. He really does need to step in a be a parent (baby steps for now) or step out of their life until they decide to develop some sort of relationship with him. If he is not willing to put forth the effort, I agree with you that there is nothing more you can do. It's a rock and a hard place you're in, mammma

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Not to mention, when a child misses their parent and they're upset about it, they never blame the parent, they'll blame anyone or anything else they can. They wont allow themselves to be mad at them for some reason. So, while in kid world, the reason they dont see their dad (and do miss him) is all your fault, but in adult world the reason is really the fault of his mom and dad. But they'll never see it that way since kids hate to find fault in their parents. YK?
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Old 12-11-2006, 02:20 PM
 
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Ok, I read and I would like to moderate my previous post. Your DH is the one who Sucks!!

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He will not fight for the children. I'm so fed up by that and I feel like whenever he needs to save face he turns to me to fix it. He has known all year that xmas is coming why wait till the middle of Dec to see what I'm going to do for them?
They were never married, DH has not been with her since the youngest was 1 or 2. She has never allowed him more than a weekend here or there. She requested sole custody he signed off on it. we went to court spent over $1500 got through the first hearing she requested a drug test he refused and walked away. He said it was an invasion of his privacy and she wasn't going to make him do it.
I feel like by buying gifts and putting his name on them I'm helping him look like he cares and he's doing his part and I feel like if he really cared and he really wanted to do his part he wouldn't have walked away from the court proceedings. I also told him as much when he was making the choice not to have his "privacy" invaded.

It is not my intention to punish the children or be mean to them. I do want to punish my husband. When does he have to accept responsibility for what he does?
I have thought about not going to this dinner but I dont' want to keep my dd from her grandparents on xmas.

Theoretically dh could bust his butt do whatever he has to do and go buy these kids gifts but he's waiting for ME to do it after he didn't hold up his end of the deal.
Or I guess I could continue doing what has gotten me into this mess and cover for him.
Your DH needs to take responsibility. And if he won't, the least you can do is be kind and loving to your skids and buy them gifts. It is very sad that your DH is passive about something as important as his kids. I hope he realizes what this means for them, and what this says about him, and I hope you know this demonstrates what type of man he is.
I am sorry if that is harsh.

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He could get a job a couple days a week. Since he convinced me he needed to do that and so I put DD in daycare pt (waiting for a full time opening) and he hasn't done anything. Well sorry he's moved signs for the real estate office. When other work is offered he says it's too much trouble. There is a hustle type thing in the office that takes about 1-2hrs to do that pay's $50 each. it's too much trouble. DD is in daycare Friday and Monday and today they said she can come Thursday as well. The only job I've objected to (which he reapplied for anyway) was at a bar where I found out he was talking to his ex behind my back because he didn't want to argue about it. : So since I knew she'd be around there I said I dont' think you should go back there to work. That is A single bar 40 miles from our house.
Your DH is either lazy, depressed, or both. He needs counseling and some motivation. I think you are being treated unfairly.

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Many people would argue that love doesn't equal $$$

They are not visiting me or my family. They are not allowed. If she had her way I would not be with my husbands family when her children are. They make that clear whenever they see me.
I blame her for requesting the one thing of him that she knows he will not do in order for him to be allowed to see his children. I blame him for not calling her out on it and just doing it and getting it over with.
I was lovingly welcomed by my fathers parents. My father was never there. I really wish my mother didn't make me go there I was still uncomfortable and I still am to this day and I go because now I feel obligated.
What I thought was going on when I met my husband I've learned is not what is really going on as far as the relationship he has with his children. I do think my husband cares about them but I think she's made things so hard that he isn't willing to fight anymore. (he's very passive)
There should be SOME KIND of visitation, and Sehbub is right-- you should go to court to enforce it.
However, if it is your DH who refuses to pursue this, it is his fault. And one day when his kids are older they will know it.

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A thought just popped into my head...... should a person spend more on a nc child? Like, to overcompensate for the fact they arent around all the time?

it just popped into my head, I think I may more time to think about it......
This is an interesting question. I think Skids in general get many more gifts than non-skids because they have so much more family. So I don't feel a need to make sure we give ss as much as our son.
That being said, I believe in modest gifts.

OP. I see you're in a difficult situation.
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Old 12-11-2006, 02:29 PM
 
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This is an interesting question. I think Skids in general get many more gifts than non-skids because they have so much more family.
Good point. To be honest, I havent really thought about it in a while since, thankfully, we've settled into a groove regarding "co-christmasing". (thanks for the awesome term Flor)
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Old 12-11-2006, 02:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Maybe it might be best if your DH started taking visits with SKs somewhere other than your home? Without you and the little around. It sounds like his kids are crying out for his attention and he really does have some time to make up for, YK? Maybe a trip to the park, a movie, the zoo?

I just can't see how shutting his kids out of his life will have a positive effect for them. He really does need to step in a be a parent (baby steps for now) or step out of their life until they decide to develop some sort of relationship with him. If he is not willing to put forth the effort, I agree with you that there is nothing more you can do. It's a rock and a hard place you're in, mammma



dh has NO visitation with the children Their mother allows them to go to his fathers house on xmas eve. We of course will be there. (well we're supposed to and she has no say at his house)
The children NEVER come to our house (they haven't been here in over a year)
The freak visit he had Friday night was because the children were at HIS friends house and his friend called him. Their mother will of course find out after the fact I guess.
He can not take them to the park etc.
She has sole custody and there is NO VISITATION in place. So she calls ALL the shots. She wont even let him talk to them if he calls.
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Old 12-11-2006, 03:01 PM
 
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It sounds like these kids are caught in the middle of a big mess, I feel sorry for them. It does not surprise me that they have behavior problems. I think you and your DH should see the children, after all they are his children and they deserve to at least see thier dad, even if it is only once a year.

It sounds like your anger is with your DH and it is being misguided and placed with these children. Please buy them some presents, show them they are loved, and treat them kindly - they are CHILDREN. I imagine their life has been hard and I imagine they are feeling pain from having a father who is not involved. Treat them with same same love and respect you would want your own child to be treated with. It's just for one day, it won't kill you.

Could it be that you don't like these children because they serve as a reminder that your DH did/does not take responsibility for his actions?

Zen doula-mama to my spirited DS1 (2/03), my CHD (TAPVR) warrior DS2 (6/07) & a gentle baby girl (8/09)
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Old 12-11-2006, 03:01 PM
 
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CHildren are not in control of their parents choices and it is unlikely that they really understand why they don't see their dad. They may very well really want to spend time with him.

Although I really believe it should be about relationships and not gifts, gifts are one of the very special things about Christmas for kids. Think about how they will feel if they don't get one. And I think they should have a little gift from their ssister too. Their previous behaviour to you is based on many things and is not about who they are or who you are. It may well be very painful for them to not be able to see their dad while he has a new family that gets to have him home with them all the time.

Helping them to feel loved and cared for in your home will only make it more possible for dh to develop a better relationship with them. Make it fun and happy for all of you.
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Old 12-11-2006, 05:12 PM
 
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dh has NO visitation with the children Their mother allows them to go to his fathers house on xmas eve. We of course will be there. (well we're supposed to and she has no say at his house)
The children NEVER come to our house (they haven't been here in over a year)
The freak visit he had Friday night was because the children were at HIS friends house and his friend called him. Their mother will of course find out after the fact I guess.
He can not take them to the park etc.
She has sole custody and there is NO VISITATION in place. So she calls ALL the shots. She wont even let him talk to them if he calls.
In all fairness, though, the reason he has no visitation is his own choosing. He refuses to take a drug test, presumably because he will fail, and if smoking pot or whatever he is up to is more important than getting clean for the drug test so he can be with his kids, then I can understand why biomom feels reasonable "calling ALL the shots". Perhaps dh should enter a rehab program, get the mental health treatment that comes with that program, and start shifting his priorities from less selfish places to an acknowledgement of the (many - at least 4 it sounds like) kids who he is currently not being such a steller dad to.

You don't deserve to be the only one working, to be the one caught in the middle of all this, especially not with one young child and another on the way.

Megan Davidson, Labor & Postpartum Doula, Breastfeeding Counselor, Anthropologist, Mom to August (9) and Clay (4), Partner to Shawn.

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Old 12-11-2006, 06:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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ITA that he should seek help and stop. His reply is that he NEVER will. A condition of our marriage was that he resolve the issues with his children (see the court case through) he didn't but I'm scared to leave him for it. I feel like I've got to much time and money invested to walk away because he smokes pot. that's another thread though isn't it.
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Old 12-11-2006, 06:34 PM
 
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Any chance you've considered attending an Al-anon meeting? If your DH has any chemcial/drug/alcohol abuse issues (and yes, people can abuse pot same as booze...different "drug of choice" SAME situations), you might find a lot of understanding at Al-Anon.

Consider who you want to be...do what is right in your heart for YOUR sake and no one elses.

Many blessings.

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Old 12-11-2006, 07:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I've heard about it, my mom is a severe addict, but I've never actually gotten up the nerve to go. (or even find out where one is) I definately wouldn't want to go alone. I'm also hesitant because I know with AA there is a lot of talk about "god" and I definately don't want to be around anything like that.
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Old 12-11-2006, 07:05 PM
 
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ITA that he should seek help and stop. His reply is that he NEVER will. A condition of our marriage was that he resolve the issues with his children (see the court case through) he didn't but I'm scared to leave him for it. I feel like I've got to much time and money invested to walk away because he smokes pot. that's another thread though isn't it.

Megan, there's never too much time and money invested if he's not a good father. It just kills me to hear from you how he's treating his older children, and it scares me that he would do the same thing to you if you leave. But, do you really want someone who puts his need to smoke ahead of his children to be the parent figure? It's not the best type of role model, kwim?

Also, why are you paying his cs? in my state, cs is the sole responsibility of the obligor parent and the step parent's $$ is never taken into consideration. Are you paying it to keep him from defaulting on it and landing in jail? If so, maybe you should stop paying it for him... that might light a fire under him to get off his a** and get a job... to stay out of jail, if nothing else.
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Old 12-11-2006, 07:12 PM
 
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regarding the whole "G-d" thing...that word is used a lot and can be a real hindrance AT FIRST. But then you learn that it what is required is that you just believe in something bigger than yourself...and YOU get to define what that is. A Higher Power can be the Al-anon group itself...or it can be your higher self...or your intuition...or nature...or whatever, it certainly doesn't have to be the G-d in any religious sense. At any rate it is something to consider just checking out.

Abby
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Old 12-11-2006, 07:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Megan, there's never too much time and money invested if he's not a good father. It just kills me to hear from you how he's treating his older children, and it scares me that he would do the same thing to you if you leave. But, do you really want someone who puts his need to smoke ahead of his children to be the parent figure? It's not the best type of role model, kwim?

Also, why are you paying his cs? in my state, cs is the sole responsibility of the obligor parent and the step parent's $$ is never taken into consideration. Are you paying it to keep him from defaulting on it and landing in jail? If so, maybe you should stop paying it for him... that might light a fire under him to get off his a** and get a job... to stay out of jail, if nothing else.
I agree about him not being a great role model. A lot of him and I fighting over his use is due to the fact that I've COMPLETELY cleaned up my life over the last 4 months. Partially due to my pregnancy but due to a lot of other reasons as well. This has spurred me to really come down on him about his use. The way he deals with the situation with his children has gotten worse over time. I'm not paying his child support. He got a small inheritance and he is using that money to pay his cs. It's about to run out though and the only reason he is paying now is because they were about to put him jail. He hustles odd jobs to buy pot but never to help otu arond the house, never to buy diapers, (we have cloth he refuses to use outside of the house and half the time in), never to help with groceries never to help with the daycare he said I had to find because he was going to get a job, he actually pulled the whole YOU have to take the baby to work with you on tues and wed because I'm going to work a m-f/9-5 I found that I like. He hasn't even Looked for pt or ft with a couple days off in the middle of the week. He only looks for jobs that he has to know inside DON"T WORK.
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Old 12-11-2006, 07:26 PM
 
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Megan, wow, what a lot to handle. ITA with previous posters that this is a husband issue, not a kid issue. Would he do counseling?

And please don't think of your marriage in terms of the time & money you've invested...you & your kids are worth more than that.

DS born 4 May 2013.
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Old 12-11-2006, 07:41 PM
 
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Sorry Megan W. from you posts I thought you were paying the cs... however, if he's about to run through his little "nest egg" then it seems reasonable that you may soon be paying it.

As for his hustling jobs just to buy weed, well... I think you've really just hit on it right there. He sees no need to help you in anyway. My DH and I are having problems too... but if he just refused to work and refused to help out around the house, and was addicted to something, I'm not sure that I would be struggling to keep things together with him.

oh, and please, don't punish his older kids when you really want to punish him. I know it can seem pretty underhanded in a way, and I know, since I've been a step mom for six years now, but like some of the other pps said, the kids didn't ask for this, and the fact that they have really poor role models for parents isn't their fault either.

Be strong.
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Old 12-11-2006, 07:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Josie one thing I have always managed to stick to is NOT paying his support for him. I actually think it'd be good for him to go to jail. I will not pay it when he runs through this money. He will punish me by working to make just enough to pay his CS and still not contribute (this is how it was before he started staying home with dd)
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Old 12-11-2006, 07:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by DoctorGirlfriend View Post
Megan, wow, what a lot to handle. ITA with previous posters that this is a husband issue, not a kid issue. Would he do counseling?

And please don't think of your marriage in terms of the time & money you've invested...you & your kids are worth more than that.
My dd and I are just fine. Since I have no interest is being involved with anyone else dd might as well have her dad around to play with her. He's not "costing" me anything at the moment.
I would need to start my own forum on why I can't fathom walking away. I guess it's just not bad enough yet.
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Old 12-11-2006, 07:51 PM
 
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Wow Megan (my name also by the way), you are in a bad situation and honestly, if at all possible, I would seriously consider leaving. Oddly enough, you may find that you and biomom have more in common than you think. Sounds like you grew up with an addict and divorce and all that, so you muct know how hard it is. You (and your dd and the futire child) deserve better than this.

Megan Davidson, Labor & Postpartum Doula, Breastfeeding Counselor, Anthropologist, Mom to August (9) and Clay (4), Partner to Shawn.

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Old 12-11-2006, 07:52 PM
 
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Oh, cross-post -- I see you are not interested in leave, so disregard that!

Well, protect yourself.

Megan Davidson, Labor & Postpartum Doula, Breastfeeding Counselor, Anthropologist, Mom to August (9) and Clay (4), Partner to Shawn.

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Old 12-11-2006, 07:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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that's funny both our families think I'm lucky to have a guy that stands by me doesn't beat me or abuse me and takes good care of our dd.
Funny what people that get a peak behinds the scenes think vs people that don't have a clue what is really happening here.
My grandmother would die if I left him she just spent 20k on our wedding.
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Old 12-11-2006, 08:05 PM
 
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My dd and I are just fine. Since I have no interest is being involved with anyone else dd might as well have her dad around to play with her. He's not "costing" me anything at the moment.
I would need to start my own forum on why I can't fathom walking away. I guess it's just not bad enough yet.
Look, I didn't mean to be offensive or imply you somehow weren't *fine.* Sorry if it came across that way.

DS born 4 May 2013.
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Old 12-11-2006, 08:26 PM
 
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I'm sorry things are rough for you right now. If you ever need to talk to anyone who's BTDT feel free to come on over to the single parenting forum, a lot of us over there have been in your shoes (including me). I'm not trying to imply that you should become a single mom, we have lots of moms who lurk over there or just come for advice on how to work things out with their DHs.

Zen doula-mama to my spirited DS1 (2/03), my CHD (TAPVR) warrior DS2 (6/07) & a gentle baby girl (8/09)
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Old 12-11-2006, 08:34 PM
 
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that's funny both our families think I'm lucky to have a guy that stands by me doesn't beat me or abuse me and takes good care of our dd.
Funny what people that get a peak behinds the scenes think vs people that don't have a clue what is really happening here.
My grandmother would die if I left him she just spent 20k on our wedding.
While I understand your frustration with posts that suggest leaving, and can completely relate to the familial dissapointment after shelling our that much money on a wedding, the first part of your post raised a red flag...

"I'm lucky to have found a guy that stands by me doesn't beat me or abuse me and takes good care of our dd."

There is SO much more to a healthy relationship than not being beaten or abused. That shouldn't be an overwhelming reason to stay. There are plenty of men out there who will not only not beat or abuse their wives/girlfriends/SOs, but will also contribute emotionally, physically, and mentally to a healthy household. Please don't sell yourself short.

Sarah - Mama to Vic (1/19/00), Syd (4/06/02) Sam (4/20/06-born at 30wk2d), JackJack (2/14/07) and Charlie (4/30/10)
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