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#91 of 117 Old 12-11-2006, 10:08 PM
 
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that's funny both our families think I'm lucky to have a guy that stands by me doesn't beat me or abuse me and takes good care of our dd.
Funny what people that get a peak behinds the scenes think vs people that don't have a clue what is really happening here.
My grandmother would die if I left him she just spent 20k on our wedding.
Not beating you makes him a good husband? I'm not suggesting that you leave him, but I certainly think counseling is absolutely necessary. It doesn't have to be any kind of religion based counseling.
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#92 of 117 Old 12-12-2006, 11:27 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My point is just that ALL men have their faults and I have mine. I've been in a lot of different relationships with men and women and I think you've got to decide on the qualities that are most important to you and for me a huge financial contribution isn't one of them. My DH contributes as much emotionally as any other man I've ever been in a relationship with.
I seriously doubt he'd go to counseling and I've been in and out since I was 14, and never found any great benifit. They all told me the same thing and it wasn't ever anything I was willing to do. (Run away from my family)
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#93 of 117 Old 12-12-2006, 12:14 PM
 
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My DH contributes as much emotionally as any other man I've ever been in a relationship with.
He does now, but look at his track record. He's not contributing very much emotionally to his other children right now....

-Angela
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#94 of 117 Old 12-12-2006, 05:27 PM
 
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Megan, wow, what a lot to handle. ITA with previous posters that this is a husband issue, not a kid issue. Would he do counseling?

And please don't think of your marriage in terms of the time & money you've invested...you & your kids are worth more than that.
So how long have you been married and how many kids/stepkids do you have?

Unassisted birthing, atheist, poly, bi WOHM to 4 wonderful, smart homeschooling kids Wes (14) Seth (7) Pandora Moonlilly (2) and Nevermore Stargazer (11/2012)  Married to awesome SAH DH.

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#95 of 117 Old 12-12-2006, 05:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We've been married since June 17th, so almost 6months. We've been together just over 3yrs. We have on child together and o ne on the way. Dh has 2 children from one previous relationship, and another child from another previous relationship.

So 10DSS
9DSD
6DSS

2DD
and baby due June 07
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#96 of 117 Old 12-12-2006, 05:54 PM
 
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So how long have you been married and how many kids/stepkids do you have?
Me, Sharlla? I've been married 6 years, and we're workintg on TTC. All I had was sympathy for the OP, and encouragement to not think of her marriage in terms of time & money.

Am I misreading the tone here?

DS born 4 May 2013.
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#97 of 117 Old 12-12-2006, 06:19 PM
 
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Me, Sharlla? I've been married 6 years, and we're workintg on TTC. All I had was sympathy for the OP, and encouragement to not think of her marriage in terms of time & money.

Am I misreading the tone here?
Nope, you just didn't post an intro or have a sig that tells anything so I was just curious. We have had many trolls on here as of late so I am kind of leary of new members.

Unassisted birthing, atheist, poly, bi WOHM to 4 wonderful, smart homeschooling kids Wes (14) Seth (7) Pandora Moonlilly (2) and Nevermore Stargazer (11/2012)  Married to awesome SAH DH.

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#98 of 117 Old 12-12-2006, 06:24 PM
 
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Nope, you just didn't post an intro or have a sig that tells anything so I was just curious. We have had many trolls on here as of late so I am kind of leary of new members.
Oh! No, I sure didn't mean to be trollish. Trolly? Whatever. I lurked for a good 4 months before getting an account, so I guess I jumped right in. I know each online community has its own unwritten set of rules, so if I violated those, I apologize.

DS born 4 May 2013.
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#99 of 117 Old 12-12-2006, 07:20 PM
 
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wow. what a mess.

tjhe only spark of hope I can offer here is to maybe try and not think of the kids as your step kids or his kids or her kids or anything. Just think of them as a couple of kids who youhave met that are really getting screwed by everyone.

it sounds like it wouldn't kill you financially to get them each a nice little something. maybe even just a gift card. something to let them know that they are a part of the celebration and you are happy to see them - no family mess attatched. Does that make sense.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#100 of 117 Old 12-13-2006, 12:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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wow. what a mess.

tjhe only spark of hope I can offer here is to maybe try and not think of the kids as your step kids or his kids or her kids or anything. Just think of them as a couple of kids who youhave met that are really getting screwed by everyone.

it sounds like it wouldn't kill you financially to get them each a nice little something. maybe even just a gift card. something to let them know that they are a part of the celebration and you are happy to see them - no family mess attatched. Does that make sense.
Yes that makes perfect sense and I don't disagree with you however at this point DH does not want to go to his fathers or see the children (he said this after seeing them alone I didnt' say anything) He also got over a thousand dollars none of which he plans to use to buy gifts or send to the childrens mother.
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#101 of 117 Old 12-13-2006, 01:01 PM
 
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Any chance of just you going with gifts from their sister?
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#102 of 117 Old 12-13-2006, 05:35 PM
 
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Josie one thing I have always managed to stick to is NOT paying his support for him. I actually think it'd be good for him to go to jail. I will not pay it when he runs through this money. He will punish me by working to make just enough to pay his CS and still not contribute (this is how it was before he started staying home with dd)
MeganW, why is he punishing you? What have you done? It sounds to me like he's got it pretty good... he's being supported by you, doesn't really lift a finger, keeps indulging in his habbit, good gracious girl, he's got it easy! He should be thanking you!
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#103 of 117 Old 12-13-2006, 06:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'll be the first to tell anyone I'm not the nicest person to live with but I don't think anyone deserves to be taken advantage of the way he is taking advantage. Somehow when I mention him not helping financially it's my fault. I make h im stay home, wont let him work etc. Which I totally don't understand. Yes I do get mad if he calls me and tells me he's going to do such and such job with no warning and I will have to find a sitter or take dd to the office with me. Oh one day dd and I were out and he's like I'm going to help out at the shop today (an old job) I was like ok we'll see you later. (no fight just remember we have plans) He gets home and he earned $20 ( which paid for his gas 40miles each way), free drugs and paraphanalia and a free shirt. I was furious and he couldn't understand it. (he should have made about 80 in cash.)

I've hurt a lot of people throughout my life. Somedays I don't really feel like I deserve better and some days I just don't care. Also being in early pregnancy I'm not sure how many of my issues are hormones.

I'm not sure this thread is even in the right place anymore as we're going off topic now .

He did contribute what was left of his check which was about $100. I didn't think that was fair since i was contributing quite a bit more than that to the household every week.
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#104 of 117 Old 12-14-2006, 05:09 PM
 
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Megan-
I'm so sorry about everything you're going through. Step-parenting, marriage, parenting... is challenging even in the best situation, and I don't think this is a very good situation. Your posts (minus dh drug use) remind me so much of things that I was posting a few years ago. I just want you to know that I understand and I care.
If you end up taking this discussion somewhere else here on MDC I hope I am able to come over and be of some support.

Take care of yourself!

-Heather

--Single mama, and future foster mama--::
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#105 of 117 Old 12-14-2006, 06:48 PM
 
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MeganW, a lot of what you are posting reminds me of my DH.. and I know he is terribly, terribly depressed. Maybe your DH is too?

And no, you dont deserve this at all. You have convinced yourself otherwise, but Let me just tell you No one, no matter how "bad" you have been in the past, deserves what you are going through.

Hang in there. That's what I'm doing.
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#106 of 117 Old 12-14-2006, 07:05 PM
 
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nak

wow. I just can't tell you how much this situation saddens me.

I guess I only have a couple bits of advice:

First, these kids are living a really sucky life--no one is standing up for them. Yhis is where you can come in. You can be the hero in their life. Treat them the same as you would your own dd--even if the feelings aren't there. send them presents in the mail. Maybe something home-made. And send them cards wiyh pics of their sister. Tell them that you love them and miss them--even if you don't. write to them throughout the year. These kids need to know that they matter to someone--and how much more would it mean coming from someone that doesn't "have" to love them. Be the hero. It wouldn't take much. Sure, maybe they wouldn't appreciate it or even get it--but maybe they would. at the very least, you'd have good karma out the wazoo. and nothing raises self-esteem like doing for others.

Second, I totally get not loving them or having warm feelings for them. That's one of those nasty parts of step-parenting that no one likes to admit to. But my advise on that point would be to act like it anyway. Fake it. Actions many times lead to a change in attitude.

Good luck, honey. My heart goes out to all of you.
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#107 of 117 Old 12-15-2006, 12:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I think DH could be depressed and when I've said as much he just says whatever. I'm fine. He got some acupuncture and talked with the lady some and it seemed to pull him together for awhile but he hasn't gone back. Also he lost his grandmother (who raised him) in January and has never really come around from that.

emcare,
Me contacting the children would probably be a really bad idea. Their mother HATES me. Not really sure why. I'm of a different race and from a wealthy family which I think she sees as a threat but I've never done anything to her (well except try and get dh to stand up to her) or the children. I've never spoken poorly about her to or in front of the children and for the first year everything was fine, when dh and I got engaged is pretty much when things went way down hill. I guess maybe up till then she thought I'd just go away.
She wont allow their father to call them or write them so I can't imagine she'd allow them to get mail from me. KWIM?

Josie have you made any progress with your dh?

Heather would you mind if I PM you?
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#108 of 117 Old 12-15-2006, 03:18 PM
 
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MeganW, thanks for asking.
I gave him an ultimatum yesterday... get help or get out.
He freaked, yelled, etc. "How can you do this to me when I am so down... you can't tell me what to do and when to do it," etc.
Then he calmed down some and we actually had a somewhat productive talk.
I told him that his way of dealing with his anger, blind rage followed by total withdrawl/shut down was unhealthy and freightning and that he needed to learn how to express and deal with his anger in a healthy, constructive way. He agreed but is still resistant to therapy. He told me that his dad was the same way, and that part of the acting out was to make me "think about what I was doing to him". He did say he would get on meds to stabilize his mood. A baby step, I guess. I'm hoping that once he's on meds he will be more amenable to therapy, especially since I am already going ... as of today. He thinks he can work it out on his own at this point. IMHO, well, you haven't done so well at that thus far, now have you?

Last night was much better. He fixed my truck yesterday and He was actually rather light hearted, interacted with DD very appropriately (after he completely ignored her for three days) and was very loving and clingy with me, which he hasn't been in years. Guess I might have shocked him into realizing that he could, in fact lose me.

We seem to have reached what I would characterize as an uncomfortable detente. I am cautiously hopeful at this point, but concerned that it might just be that he's wanting things to blow over and will then revert to his depressive ways once he's back in my good graces, so we'll just have to wait and see. But it was really nice to have the DH that I fell in love with back for a few hours.

How about you MeganW? Hanging in there? You mentioned that your DH's grandmother, who raised him, recently died? That is a major triggering event for a depressive episode, but it also kind of sounds to me like he's been depressed for a long, long time, and that he's self medicating.

Dont let him wear you down. You don't deserve this. My DH has been undermining my self esteem for along time, and now I'm battling to feel good about myself. Sounds like your DH has done the same. Don't let him make you feel worthless and that you don't deserve better... because you DO deserve better.
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#109 of 117 Old 12-17-2006, 12:12 AM
 
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Megan--
Please do feel free to PM me!
Take care--

--Single mama, and future foster mama--::
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#110 of 117 Old 12-21-2006, 06:16 PM
 
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:

I felt really sad for your husband's children, reading the OP .
I havent read beyond the first page of this, but.. you're not married to KFed are you? I doubt the ink on the separation papers is dry yet.

I feel very sorry for these kids.
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#111 of 117 Old 12-21-2006, 07:26 PM
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I haven't read all of the replies.

I am not a step mom. But you knew that your husband was a father when you married him. So you knew that you were going to be a step mom. While it certainly stinks that this was sprung on you, I'm certain that it's a control thing on the bio-mom's part. Be flexible, embracing, and loving to the children and to their mother. Be magnanimous, open, and welcome them into the fold that is your family. That is their family. If you don't, then that gives the bio mom more ammo, more reason to dislike you. If you are not what she portrays you to be to the kids, then she will not have that power, and you can begin to help your husband build a bridge to his family. And that would be a lovely gift to be able to give to all of them.

On the subject of the gifts, please, please don't scrimp on the kids. It's not their fault that they are being used by their parents in a twisted power play. Your husband not working, and abdicating parental responsibility to you? That's passive aggressive crap. Call him on it. Tell him that, since he doesn't have a job, that he has to go out and spend $xxx that wasn't in the budget on his children to show them, you, and his ex wife that he cares.

And that you expect him to go out and reimburse the family for those funds. Part time/full time, whatever. He's controlling and manipulative and his attitude sucks, because it puts YOU in the position of either being a patsy or the bad guy. Nice choice, there.
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#112 of 117 Old 12-21-2006, 07:29 PM
 
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I don't always agree that "you knew when you got married" line of thinking. Sometimes we think we understand the situation, and we don't really until its a couple years into it. And it changes, too, with time. Anyway, I hope you are doing ok, MeganW!
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#113 of 117 Old 12-21-2006, 07:38 PM
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Flor, I am not saying that she knew what the entire situation was when she married him. But she did know that she was going to be a step mom. That was not a surprise. Knowing that I was a step mom, I would make sure that presents for my step children were in the budget, regardless of the relationship.

I knew when I married my husband that I didn't like his mother. But she's still in the budget, even though we have no relationship.

Anyway, you know, if I'd read all of the replies, I would have thought that your husband sucked even more than I thought in my original reply.

The ex had, as a condition of custody, the stipulation that your husband had to take a drug test. Seems reasonable to me, considering that he'd fail it, everyone seems to know it, and yet he still smokes up, which takes money out of the family budget that he already doesn't contribute to because he doesn't work.

Pot is more important than his children. Or getting a job. Or being a productive member of a family. Niiiiiiiice.
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#114 of 117 Old 12-21-2006, 07:48 PM
 
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I also want to add that I have half-siblings and divorced parents. I really don't think I missed out on anything by not knowing my sibs or my father. Whenever I see my father and sibs it usually just makes me uncomfortable. They are people I was forced to see on special occasions or when someone thought it was the "right" thing to do.

I haven't read all the replies, so forgive me if this is a repeat. Do you think it's possible that your own experiences are coloring your attitude towards this visit and purchasing gifts for these children?

I urge you to re-evaluate the situation.
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#115 of 117 Old 12-26-2006, 05:00 PM
 
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The same as I do for my one and only DD? I've spent close to 500 on her.

Wow, isn't that excessive?
I mean, no offense, but do you have to spend so much on gifts for any child, yours or his?

:
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#116 of 117 Old 12-27-2006, 02:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I don't always agree that "you knew when you got married" line of thinking. Sometimes we think we understand the situation, and we don't really until its a couple years into it. And it changes, too, with time. Anyway, I hope you are doing ok, MeganW!

Thank you Flor up until a couple months after the wedding I really thought DH was the victim and that he really did care about his children and what happens with them and that he wants to be a part of their lives. Now I think he just likes everyone to feel sorry for him and not getting to see his kids is great for that. He gets to blame his ex and blame me and anyone else for not "allowing" him to be a father. I say he needs to grow a pair and prove that he can be a father.
I definately did NOT know what I was getting into. I should have worked harder to find out (maybe it would have made a difference), but now it's too late and I have to figure out how to make it better.
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#117 of 117 Old 12-27-2006, 03:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Wow, isn't that excessive?
I mean, no offense, but do you have to spend so much on gifts for any child, yours or his?

:
Of course I don't have to I chose to.
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