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#1 of 117 Old 12-07-2006, 05:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Just this week we were informed that 2 of DH's children from a previous relationship will be coming to dinner on Xmas eve at FIL's house. I said I'm not buying gifts. DH is upset. How do I handle this? their mother has full custody dh pays her cs I think it's more than enough I feel that the kids are just being sent so they can get gifts. No one see's them any other time during the year or hears from her unless she wants something.

Last time we went for xmas the kids took one look at me and said mom said she isn't supposed to be here.

What do I say if the kids repeat this sentiment this year? Last xmas we weren't married, this year we are.

BTW dh is a sahd. I've already budgeted for xmas and they weren't in it. I can't afford to add them now unless I take away from other people who I love and know and see throughout the year.
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#2 of 117 Old 12-07-2006, 05:13 PM
 
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Just this week we were informed that 2 of DH's children from a previous relationship will be coming to dinner on Xmas eve at FIL's house. I said I'm not buying gifts. DH is upset. How do I handle this? their mother has full custody dh pays her cs I think it's more than enough I feel that the kids are just being sent so they can get gifts. No one see's them any other time during the year or hears from her unless she wants something.

Last time we went for xmas the kids took one look at me and said mom said she isn't supposed to be here.

What do I say if the kids repeat this sentiment this year? Last xmas we weren't married, this year we are.

BTW dh is a sahd. I've already budgeted for xmas and they weren't in it. I can't afford to add them now unless I take away from other people who I love and know and see throughout the year.

Does he not have a relationship with his children other than sending them child support?
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#3 of 117 Old 12-07-2006, 05:13 PM
 
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how annoying for you. :
I would say maybe try to really put yourself in the spirit of the holiday and try to stay positive. perhaps maybe just a small token - a $5 gift card or a stocking with some trinkets? and try not to blame them for the choices their mom makes.
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#4 of 117 Old 12-07-2006, 05:30 PM
 
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I've already budgeted for xmas and they weren't in it.
That just seems so cold.

Why aren't HIS children in the budget for Christmas? Child support is for their daily needs. Christmas is extra.

It doesn't matter what the kids say. It doesn't matter how their mother is. It doesn't matter how often you see those kids. They are still your husband's children. He cannot go see them? If I were your husband, I would be livid that no money could be spent on MY children.

What does him being a SAHD have to do with anything? Does that mean you control the purse strings and he has no say?

I don't mean to be nasty. Maybe I misunderstand your intention. But, it seems you are taking out your frustration on innocent kids.
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#5 of 117 Old 12-07-2006, 05:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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no he has NO relationship For awhile he did and then she stopped it when he and I got serious (except when she needed a babysitter) He has not seen or spoken to them for a YEAR. Since last xmas. We were unable to have custody changed we tried we figured she'd keep the kids away since she didn't continue to even allow him to speak to them on the phone.
I'm sorry I feel if their mother doesn't want him around them and doesn't want him to have any say in their upbringing she has chosen to support them.

I don't see it as taken out my frustration on the kids. I think it's selfish of her to send them to a family function when she clearly does not want them to be a part of the family any other time.

Wanderlost
I have thought about doing a small gift 10-15 the same as I'd give his neices and nephews. I'm sorry I didn't mean to imply that I'd give them NOTHING. Usually in the past their father would bring hundreds of dollars in gifts that they would open aside from the family gift opening. That is not in our budget. I mean I guess if I put my dd in daycare full time and had my husband work construction 18 hrs a day we might be able to swing it.
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#6 of 117 Old 12-07-2006, 06:30 PM
 
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I just think you should do the same as you do for your child. No more, no less.
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#7 of 117 Old 12-07-2006, 06:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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The same as I do for my one and only DD? I've spent close to 500 on her.
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#8 of 117 Old 12-07-2006, 07:42 PM
 
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We haven't communicated w/ dh's ex-wife in over a year, haven't seen dsd in almost 3 years, and yet we still spent $200 on gifts (American girl Bitty Baby & starter kit, outfit & hats for dsd, carebear from my ds, and a holiday outfit for the Build-a-bear we gave her last year) AND $50 to ship it all.

We spent $500 on my ds, who is 4, and $100 on our ds, who is 7 mo. While not fair on paper, both of my kids will be happy, and hopefully dsd will be as well.

I would never dream of telling dh that he couldn't buy a gift for his daughter, no matter how tight our budget is.
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#9 of 117 Old 12-07-2006, 09:06 PM
 
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Wow. I'm pretty shocked that someone let ANY excuse come in the way of a relationship with his kids. I would move heaven and earth, take on a million extra jobs, and do anything in my power to keep a relationship with my kids.

If your husband has let his children go...he's already shown them how little he values them.

And either not letting them come to Christmas (which it sounds like you'd prefer) or not getting them presents is just horrid.


I had a stepmother like you. She would always buy extremely excessive amounts of presents for her biokid, like the room would be full of junk. And my sister and I would get a little corner of a couple of presents. It HURT. In fact, going home and crying to my mom about it at age four or five is when she had to tell me Santa wasn't real, because I couldn't understand why Santa didn't love me, or what I'd done wrong.

You've missed the point entirely. These are CHILDREN. They have a CHILD'S perspective on the world. Imagine how sad they are to have lost their father already. Imagine how sad they are to see him have a relationship with his new child and not with them (and they be denied a chance to know their sibling). And on top of all of that, you RESENT that your dh has an obligation to support them?

That's just shameful, and it is exactly what gives stepmoms a bad name. It's even more shameful that your h will put up with it. And if he puts up with it, you know what? You could be the next discarded wife one day. And then it will be your child who is resented. Think it can't happen to you? Think he'd fight more to see your child? Think he'd move heaven and earth for your child and not is other children? You're imagining things.


You should change your perspective. Be grateful you get this chance to spend Christmas eve with your step children. Be happy that you get to share such a special moment with them. Instead of thinking of it as a loss, see it as a positive. Show them the love you can have for them. Start to build a relationship. And I would urge your h to go back to court and get visitation, he has a right to it, and there's no legitimate reason not to have it. Don't be a scrooge this holiday season, be the bigger person.
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#10 of 117 Old 12-07-2006, 09:19 PM
 
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Wow. I'm pretty shocked that someone let ANY excuse come in the way of a relationship with his kids. I would move heaven and earth, take on a million extra jobs, and do anything in my power to keep a relationship with my kids.

If your husband has let his children go...he's already shown them how little he values them.

And either not letting them come to Christmas (which it sounds like you'd prefer) or not getting them presents is just horrid.


I had a stepmother like you. She would always buy extremely excessive amounts of presents for her biokid, like the room would be full of junk. And my sister and I would get a little corner of a couple of presents. It HURT. In fact, going home and crying to my mom about it at age four or five is when she had to tell me Santa wasn't real, because I couldn't understand why Santa didn't love me, or what I'd done wrong.

You've missed the point entirely. These are CHILDREN. They have a CHILD'S perspective on the world. Imagine how sad they are to have lost their father already. Imagine how sad they are to see him have a relationship with his new child and not with them (and they be denied a chance to know their sibling). And on top of all of that, you RESENT that your dh has an obligation to support them?

That's just shameful, and it is exactly what gives stepmoms a bad name. It's even more shameful that your h will put up with it. And if he puts up with it, you know what? You could be the next discarded wife one day. And then it will be your child who is resented. Think it can't happen to you? Think he'd fight more to see your child? Think he'd move heaven and earth for your child and not is other children? You're imagining things.


You should change your perspective. Be grateful you get this chance to spend Christmas eve with your step children. Be happy that you get to share such a special moment with them. Instead of thinking of it as a loss, see it as a positive. Show them the love you can have for them. Start to build a relationship. And I would urge your h to go back to court and get visitation, he has a right to it, and there's no legitimate reason not to have it. Don't be a scrooge this holiday season, be the bigger person.
:

I felt really sad for your husband's children, reading the OP .
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#11 of 117 Old 12-07-2006, 09:24 PM
 
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The same as I do for my one and only DD? I've spent close to 500 on her.
And you are not going to spend anything (or next to nothing) on his other two children. You should be ashamed of yourself.
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#12 of 117 Old 12-07-2006, 09:29 PM
 
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Wow, $500 is a HUGE amount of $$$ to spend one one young child (one child period) so clearly you are not struggling for money. We spent that on all gifts for everyone total this year (ds, his cousins, our parents, my siblings, grandparents, holiday cards, etc).

I have a step mom like you. She sucks. I am not saying you suck, but think about what it is like to be those kids. They did not ask for parents who fought, divorced, used them as pawns in a marriage game. They did not ask to be kept from their father nor to have dad remarry and make more babies. They did not ask to be sent to you FILs house for x-mas either I bet. My dad had money and his wife liked to spent it on her kids. She felt like they were her dds and therefore deserved more. You know what, it suck for ALL of us. Her dds got to be the hated step kids who got too much and we were the other side of that equations. Not good for anyone, even you daughter.

If you can afford $500 for one kid, those kids should get at least a $100 present each from their dad. Return some of the things you already bought and rethink you budget. To do less is cruel and inappropriate IMO.

Megan Davidson, Labor & Postpartum Doula, Breastfeeding Counselor, Anthropologist, Mom to August (9) and Clay (4), Partner to Shawn.

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#13 of 117 Old 12-07-2006, 09:38 PM
 
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In case you really have spent it all, here's the math:
500/3 = 166.66

Most places accept returns on unused items. So you could do some exchanges to make things more appropriate for them.

FWIW
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#14 of 117 Old 12-07-2006, 09:47 PM
 
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hey Megan W., I think that you should return your dd's gifts and buy yourself a clue. Wow. You really need to think about the situation being reversed.
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#15 of 117 Old 12-07-2006, 10:01 PM
 
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You should change your perspective. Be grateful you get this chance to spend Christmas eve with your step children. Be happy that you get to share such a special moment with them. Instead of thinking of it as a loss, see it as a positive. Show them the love you can have for them. Start to build a relationship. And I would urge your h to go back to court and get visitation, he has a right to it, and there's no legitimate reason not to have it. Don't be a scrooge this holiday season, be the bigger person
Very excellent advice! Excellent!
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#16 of 117 Old 12-07-2006, 10:41 PM
 
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The same as I do for my one and only DD? I've spent close to 500 on her.



You know, I thought maybe I misunderstood you. Now I know I didn't. You ought to be ashamed.

$500 on one child? And nothing for his.:

No matter what the ex does or doesn't do, you married a man with children. How dare you act like those kids are some kind of scum on the street. Your husband ought to be doubly ashamed to allow you to treat his babies like that.
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#17 of 117 Old 12-07-2006, 10:43 PM
 
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Shame on the husband too because he is allowing her to treat his children this way! I can't believe that this poster is serious.
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#18 of 117 Old 12-07-2006, 10:55 PM
 
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He is your husband right? Those are your children too!

You should want every child to be happy on Christmas! I can't tell you how much this post upsets me. These children have the opportunity to be with you for a holiday, they should be excepting and loved and cherished.. its not like these kids plotted to get gifts... so what if there mom wants them to get a gift.. they are kids for heaven sake and they deserve to be excepted by everyone!

:

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#19 of 117 Old 12-07-2006, 10:57 PM
 
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I can understand your frustration with the child support being paid and your budget already being made out and spent. However- as a person who has lived it and went through all of those frustrations and now being in a family who hasn't seen my husbands bio daughters in over 4 years- I have to tell you now- the pain that your DH will go through, the pain his kids will go through, the pain you will go through, AND you own bio children will go through from not knowing their siblings is not worth ANY dollar amount that you could save from only buying them small things or nothing. Those are your husbands children, HIS blood, as much as your own child(ren) are with him. Some of the previous posters have excellent ideas about returning a portion of the gifts already bought so you can purchase gifts for the other children as well. It isn't about the gifts it is about cherishing EVERY SINGLE SECOND that you can get with those kids. EVERY SINGLE ONE!!! Regardless of what you think the ex's motives are- be THANKFUL that you and DH can see those kids and take that small amount of time to get to know them, take photographs, love on them, and BE a positive influence. If their mom truly is such a bad person, those kids will need their daddy someday. Let their memories reflect a happy time when it is spent with you and him and their siblings.

I would give heaven and earth for my DH to have one more minute with his girls. Please- cherish those kids!!!
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#20 of 117 Old 12-07-2006, 10:59 PM
 
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no he has NO relationship For awhile he did and then she stopped it when he and I got serious (except when she needed a babysitter) He has not seen or spoken to them for a YEAR. Since last xmas. We were unable to have custody changed we tried we figured she'd keep the kids away since she didn't continue to even allow him to speak to them on the phone.
I'm sorry I feel if their mother doesn't want him around them and doesn't want him to have any say in their upbringing she has chosen to support them.


.
I just don't get why she gets to decide this? Isn't there a custody order that she's breaking?

In anycase, take the high road. Smile, buy them a gift. Maybe they will appricaite next time they don't like their mom (just kidding -- maybe they will look back in a few years and relize how gracious your are).
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#21 of 117 Old 12-07-2006, 11:01 PM
 
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I can understand your frustration with the child support being paid and your budget already being made out and spent. However- as a person who has lived it and went through all of those frustrations and now being in a family who hasn't seen my husbands bio daughters in over 4 years- I have to tell you now- the pain that your DH will go through, the pain his kids will go through, the pain you will go through, AND you own bio children will go through from not knowing their siblings is not worth ANY dollar amount that you could save from only buying them small things or nothing. Those are your husbands children, HIS blood, as much as your own child(ren) are with him. Some of the previous posters have excellent ideas about returning a portion of the gifts already bought so you can purchase gifts for the other children as well. It isn't about the gifts it is about cherishing EVERY SINGLE SECOND that you can get with those kids. EVERY SINGLE ONE!!! Regardless of what you think the ex's motives are- be THANKFUL that you and DH can see those kids and take that small amount of time to get to know them, take photographs, love on them, and BE a positive influence. If their mom truly is such a bad person, those kids will need their daddy someday. Let their memories reflect a happy time when it is spent with you and him and their siblings.

I would give heaven and earth for my DH to have one more minute with his girls. Please- cherish those kids!!!
YEAH THAT... how sad that these children have at least 3 parents mentioned... and they have the potential to have a huge loving family and they are not excepted like the other dd.. I would take back some of her xmas presents and buy for your step kids!

Loving Dh, Mama x 4, Surrogate mother to 5. A born 2003, M and R girl/girl twins 2006, S and C boy/girl twins born 2010. Processing/healing.
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#22 of 117 Old 12-07-2006, 11:16 PM
 
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Can your DH not take his ex to court to modify custody and ensure he sees his children? Were they married and had a divorce agreement? If so, custody should have been established at the time of divorce, and if the ex is not complying with the original document, she should be taken back to court and forced to comply. Period.

And yes, if I was your DH and you were planning to not get my kids anything, I would be livid. Then again, were I you, I'd be pretty pissed at my DH for not fighting to be with his children.

As a stepmom, I can't fathom treating my DSDs differently than I treat my biochildren. Period. I married a man with children, and was lucky enough to be adopted as a second mother to those children. I'm sorry you were not so fortunate as to be able to develop a relationship with your step-children.

I hope you and your family can find a happy medium between completely denying your SCs an equal part in your family, and over-compensating by going overboard on gifts for them.


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#23 of 117 Old 12-07-2006, 11:20 PM
 
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Yeah, that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jster View Post
Wow. I'm pretty shocked that someone let ANY excuse come in the way of a relationship with his kids. I would move heaven and earth, take on a million extra jobs, and do anything in my power to keep a relationship with my kids.

If your husband has let his children go...he's already shown them how little he values them.

And either not letting them come to Christmas (which it sounds like you'd prefer) or not getting them presents is just horrid.


I had a stepmother like you. She would always buy extremely excessive amounts of presents for her biokid, like the room would be full of junk. And my sister and I would get a little corner of a couple of presents. It HURT. In fact, going home and crying to my mom about it at age four or five is when she had to tell me Santa wasn't real, because I couldn't understand why Santa didn't love me, or what I'd done wrong.

You've missed the point entirely. These are CHILDREN. They have a CHILD'S perspective on the world. Imagine how sad they are to have lost their father already. Imagine how sad they are to see him have a relationship with his new child and not with them (and they be denied a chance to know their sibling). And on top of all of that, you RESENT that your dh has an obligation to support them?

That's just shameful, and it is exactly what gives stepmoms a bad name. It's even more shameful that your h will put up with it. And if he puts up with it, you know what? You could be the next discarded wife one day. And then it will be your child who is resented. Think it can't happen to you? Think he'd fight more to see your child? Think he'd move heaven and earth for your child and not is other children? You're imagining things.


You should change your perspective. Be grateful you get this chance to spend Christmas eve with your step children. Be happy that you get to share such a special moment with them. Instead of thinking of it as a loss, see it as a positive. Show them the love you can have for them. Start to build a relationship. And I would urge your h to go back to court and get visitation, he has a right to it, and there's no legitimate reason not to have it. Don't be a scrooge this holiday season, be the bigger person.

Cami, wife to a guy and mom to some kids. Expecting someone new in Februrary!â¢â¢â¢â¢5â¢â¢â¢â¢10â¢â¢â¢â¢15â¢â¢â¢â¢20â¢â¢â¢25â¢â¢â¢â¢30â¢â¢â¢â¢35â¢â¢â¢â¢40
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#24 of 117 Old 12-08-2006, 12:57 AM
 
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Have a little heart and make them feel welcome. I certainly don't think you should spend what you spent on your DD, but you should absolutely get them something, and by all means, muster up some smiles for them. They deserve to feel special at Christmas, even if it inconveniences you. Keep in mind, the kids didn't create the situation. But they are caught in the middle of it. A little kindness might go a long way. They aren't kind to you, you say? They are kids. Be the adult and rise above.
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#25 of 117 Old 12-08-2006, 01:10 AM
 
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They are CHILDREN. It's not their fault that their situation is messed up. Be kind to them and enjoy the time with them. (and buy them some presents)

-Angela
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#26 of 117 Old 12-08-2006, 02:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by lilacwildfire View Post
I can understand your frustration with the child support being paid and your budget already being made out and spent. However- as a person who has lived it and went through all of those frustrations and now being in a family who hasn't seen my husbands bio daughters in over 4 years- I have to tell you now- the pain that your DH will go through, the pain his kids will go through, the pain you will go through, AND you own bio children will go through from not knowing their siblings is not worth ANY dollar amount that you could save from only buying them small things or nothing. Those are your husbands children, HIS blood, as much as your own child(ren) are with him. Some of the previous posters have excellent ideas about returning a portion of the gifts already bought so you can purchase gifts for the other children as well. It isn't about the gifts it is about cherishing EVERY SINGLE SECOND that you can get with those kids. EVERY SINGLE ONE!!! Regardless of what you think the ex's motives are- be THANKFUL that you and DH can see those kids and take that small amount of time to get to know them, take photographs, love on them, and BE a positive influence. If their mom truly is such a bad person, those kids will need their daddy someday. Let their memories reflect a happy time when it is spent with you and him and their siblings.

I would give heaven and earth for my DH to have one more minute with his girls. Please- cherish those kids!!!

I just want to thank you for a reply that made an excellent point without attacking me. I will consider what you've said.

I don't think I'm an evil stepmother. I also want to add that I have half-siblings and divorced parents. I really don't think I missed out on anything by not knowing my sibs or my father. Whenever I see my father and sibs it usually just makes me uncomfortable. They are people I was forced to see on special occasions or when someone thought it was the "right" thing to do.
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#27 of 117 Old 12-08-2006, 02:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I just don't get why she gets to decide this? Isn't there a custody order that she's breaking?

In anycase, take the high road. Smile, buy them a gift. Maybe they will appricaite next time they don't like their mom (just kidding -- maybe they will look back in a few years and relize how gracious your are).
She has full custody. We started to fight to change it. A few requests were made of DH to proceed. He refused and walked away. ( Please dont' start in on flaming my dh about this as well I already do it doesn't make me happy and I am ashamed of him. He can't decide what to do about all this and I'm stuck in the middle. I'm sure there are some of you that will say I should not have married him but I did and now it's too late and I have to deal with the consequences)
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#28 of 117 Old 12-08-2006, 02:14 PM
 
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If you feel attacked, maybe you should think about why you feel that way.

You spend $500 on your child, and nothing on your husband's children. Now, why he isn't livid about this, I don't know. I sure would be.

You know the right thing to do is to make sure those kids have a decent Christmas present. If you can afford $500 for your child, which IMO, is a heck of a lot of money to spend on one child, then you should be able to afford decent gifts for his kids.

How awful to be the ones cast aside and treated like they are simply a bother.

I just hope, and I mean this sincerely, that your children aren't next to be cast aside.

I hope you can find your heart and be giving to those innocent kids.
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#29 of 117 Old 12-08-2006, 02:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by sehbub View Post
Can your DH not take his ex to court to modify custody and ensure he sees his children? Were they married and had a divorce agreement? If so, custody should have been established at the time of divorce, and if the ex is not complying with the original document, she should be taken back to court and forced to comply. Period.

And yes, if I was your DH and you were planning to not get my kids anything, I would be livid. Then again, were I you, I'd be pretty pissed at my DH for not fighting to be with his children.

As a stepmom, I can't fathom treating my DSDs differently than I treat my biochildren. Period. I married a man with children, and was lucky enough to be adopted as a second mother to those children. I'm sorry you were not so fortunate as to be able to develop a relationship with your step-children.

I hope you and your family can find a happy medium between completely denying your SCs an equal part in your family, and over-compensating by going overboard on gifts for them.

He will not fight for the children. I'm so fed up by that and I feel like whenever he needs to save face he turns to me to fix it. He has known all year that xmas is coming why wait till the middle of Dec to see what I'm going to do for them?
They were never married, DH has not been with her since the youngest was 1 or 2. She has never allowed him more than a weekend here or there. She requested sole custody he signed off on it. we went to court spent over $1500 got through the first hearing she requested a drug test he refused and walked away. He said it was an invasion of his privacy and she wasn't going to make him do it.
I feel like by buying gifts and putting his name on them I'm helping him look like he cares and he's doing his part and I feel like if he really cared and he really wanted to do his part he wouldn't have walked away from the court proceedings. I also told him as much when he was making the choice not to have his "privacy" invaded.

It is not my intention to punish the children or be mean to them. I do want to punish my husband. When does he have to accept responsibility for what he does?
I have thought about not going to this dinner but I dont' want to keep my dd from her grandparents on xmas.

Theoretically dh could bust his butt do whatever he has to do and go buy these kids gifts but he's waiting for ME to do it after he didn't hold up his end of the deal.
Or I guess I could continue doing what has gotten me into this mess and cover for him.
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#30 of 117 Old 12-08-2006, 02:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by TinkerBelle View Post
If you feel attacked, maybe you should think about why you feel that way.

You spend $500 on your child, and nothing on your husband's children. Now, why he isn't livid about this, I don't know. I sure would be.

You know the right thing to do is to make sure those kids have a decent Christmas present. If you can afford $500 for your child, which IMO, is a heck of a lot of money to spend on one child, then you should be able to afford decent gifts for his kids.

How awful to be the ones cast aside and treated like they are simply a bother.

I just hope, and I mean this sincerely, that your children aren't next to be cast aside.

I hope you can find your heart and be giving to those innocent kids.
I shouldn't have mentioned the $ amount I dont' see why that is important none of the children will know or understand taht
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