How to say goodbye to a step child? **UPDATE** - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 12 Old 12-14-2006, 01:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My heart is breaking. DH is severely depressed and has been turning his anger outward on me. I have asked him to go to counseling and he refused, and would not give me an answer when I asked him if his marriage and family are important to him.

Barring some major turnaround from DH, I will be ordering him to leave and initiating divorce proceedings soon.

How do I deal with DSS? He is 12. I have been a part of his life since he was 5 1/2. I will miss him dreadfully and I just cant imagine how hard it must be to be as a child to see people just come and go from your life. the way that DH is, I know that he will certainly not be amenable to me seeing DSS, even though DD and DSS are half siblings. I might still see him occasionally because DSS's mom and I are friendly, and she is an unofficial "aunt" to my DD, but how do I tell this sweet boy what is going on and why I am kicking his father out?

I feel so horrible. I'm just dying inside at the prospect of losing my step son. His father, I can almost be OK with ending it with him at this point because I am thinking that it would be easier to be alone that continue to deal with the situation as it is. But losing DSS is killing me.
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#2 of 12 Old 12-14-2006, 01:16 PM
 
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Mama I'm not the best one for advice. Since his mom and you are friendly maybe you two could discuss how to approach DSS?
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#3 of 12 Old 12-14-2006, 01:25 PM
 
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I second the idea of talking to his mom about it. that is great that you two are close, and hopefully she will respect the sibling relationship that your kids have, and allow you to spend time with DSS.

My DP is also severly depressed, and he has a 13yo daughter. I know that when he gets depressed, it is a struggle for him to be alive everyday, let alone care about things like other people or relationships. This isn't a reflection of the relationship, just the workings of his brain. Asking your husband in the midst of a depression if he cares about marriage and family won't ever give you the answer you want.

Would you consider going to counseling on your own? Maybe if you started to go, he would come with you, or seek it out on his own. If he isn't interested in "talk" therapy, would he consider medication? Maybe after a little while he would feel good enough to then go for counseling.
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#4 of 12 Old 12-14-2006, 02:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am going to my first counseling appointment tomorrow.
I just can't raise my child with a ragaholic... and that's what he is. I was raised in that kind of environment and I will not raise my daughter that way.
That is why I am at the end of my rope with DH.

He said he would go on meds, but then he backed off of it. I have asked him again to go to my appointment tomorrow. He has not answered my but I seriously doubt that he will.

I have been lying awake all night. Couldnt sleep because all I could think of was, what do I do now?
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#5 of 12 Old 12-14-2006, 05:30 PM
 
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I second talking to the mom. If you can say to dss "We've tried our best, but your dad and I just can't live together anymore, at least not for now. No matter what happens, you and I have a special bond, and I know from your mom that we'll continue to be able to spend time with each other," it might be helpful.

I don't know how it is where you live, but be aware that in at least some places step-parents can certainly apply for visitation rights with their step-kids if there's a break-up.
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#6 of 12 Old 12-14-2006, 07:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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In Texas, no step parent visitation.
Spoke to DH today. Gave him a ultimatum.. he got mad, then we actually had a productive talk. He promised still refuses therapy but said he would "work on things" and that he would get some meds. So, beetter than nothing. Maybe the meds will make him more amenable to counseling? I just want him to address the underlying issues.

I'll be seeing DSS tomorrow. I'll be cherishing every minute with him this weekend.
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#7 of 12 Old 12-26-2006, 10:10 PM
 
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#8 of 12 Old 12-27-2006, 05:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So, I guess some progress has been made. The day I posted this thread, I told DH that I couldn't take things as they were and he needed to get help for his depression or leave by the end of the year. After he got really mad, we calmed down and had a productive talk. He's still resistant to therapy and medication but he has agreeed to try to work on his issues on his own. I'm not sure he can do it alone, but I guess he has to figure that out for himself. We reached an uncomfortable truce.

The holidays started off pretty rocky... Dh and DSS were really wierd and depressive last wednesday. I felt kind of let down b/c I'd been home all day that day and made cookies, got hte house ready, etc and then I felt really let down.

It did get better. We all went to MIL's for the holiday. It was a bit uncomfortable for me, but it wasn't b/c of anything DH did or didn't do...my MIL is very difficult and we had, well, and interesting time with her... but that's another thread.

So, I'm starting the new year very, very cautiously optimistic. I'm trying really hard to work on the things that I know need to change. I do see some changes in DH.

Thank you everyone for all of your support and kind thoughts. MDC mamas really are the best people!
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#9 of 12 Old 12-27-2006, 05:20 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by *caitlinsmom* View Post
So, I guess some progress has been made. The day I posted this thread, I told DH that I couldn't take things as they were and he needed to get help for his depression or leave by the end of the year. After he got really mad, we calmed down and had a productive talk. He's still resistant to therapy and medication but he has agreeed to try to work on his issues on his own. I'm not sure he can do it alone, but I guess he has to figure that out for himself. We reached an uncomfortable truce.

The holidays started off pretty rocky... Dh and DSS were really wierd and depressive last wednesday. I felt kind of let down b/c I'd been home all day that day and made cookies, got hte house ready, etc and then I felt really let down.

It did get better. We all went to MIL's for the holiday. It was a bit uncomfortable for me, but it wasn't b/c of anything DH did or didn't do...my MIL is very difficult and we had, well, and interesting time with her... but that's another thread.

So, I'm starting the new year very, very cautiously optimistic. I'm trying really hard to work on the things that I know need to change. I do see some changes in DH.

Thank you everyone for all of your support and kind thoughts. MDC mamas really are the best people!
Josie
I'm glad to see things seem to be looking up on your end I hope things continue to move forward for you.
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#10 of 12 Old 12-27-2006, 05:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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megan W, you too. I've been thinking about you. I hope things are improving for you?
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#11 of 12 Old 12-28-2006, 11:33 AM
 
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Josie, I hope things continue to get better, and that you husband is able to find some help.
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#12 of 12 Old 12-28-2006, 11:54 AM
 
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*lurking*

PLEASE - if there is ANY way to maintain even a small amount of contact with your step-child, PLEASE do so.

My mother and step-father seperated when I was 16. They had been together since I was 4 or 5. So - most of my "growing up" years.

My (now ex-)step-father had 2 children from a previous marriage who I saw frequently during those 12 years. We didn't share a single drop of blood, but they were my sisters.

I have not seen or heard from those girls in 13 years now.

It's hard to even type this out - I miss those girls with every fiber of my being, and even this is bringing tears to my eyes.

Canadian mom to Boo (Aug '02), Bug (Aug '04) and Bear (Dec '06).
Jesse (July '09)
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