PLEASE help me - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
Old 04-24-2007, 02:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
bettyboopbikermom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 19
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Ok I have listened to all of you and spent hours researching. Child support will not be withheld.
I do now realize that being 11 years old she is not able to stop her own manipulation. She is trying to make her mom happy. Because her mom has emotional issues she gets sad when DSD has fun with us . So, DSD makes up things that didn't happen and escalates what does happen to "prove" her dislike for being with us. This feeds her mom's insecurities. It is easy to be mad at DSD and hurt but I do realize she ultimately is the victim. Her mom even told her that I broke up her parents marriage when I didn't even meet her dad until a year after the divorce !
PARENTAL ALEINATION SYNDROME - it actually has a name ! I'm not crazy and I am not the only one.
bettyboopbikermom is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 04-24-2007, 02:33 PM
 
bigeyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: hawaii
Posts: 7,360
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Wow. Thanks for that. Where did you find that?

to you. You'll get through this.

I totally relate, because I'm pretty sure the aunts turned dd against me in the same way. Why on earth would any adult tell a child their sm and their dad had a relationship during the marriage?

I know I've made mistakes, but outside influences like the aunts, and in your case the ex, can sure cause a lot of problems with their lies. It's really hard when the child seems to be pushing you away.

I'm glad you made the decision to continue the child support, because if you stopped it would only cause more problems for you. Dh should immediately notify the court about the visitation problem as other posters said above.

good luck!

for intuitive readings click here :
bigeyes is offline  
Old 04-24-2007, 02:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
bettyboopbikermom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 19
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Google it.
This is when a custodial parent brainwashes the child to turn them against the non-custodial parent. In an effort to make the custodial parent happy the child will even testify to things that are not true.
bettyboopbikermom is offline  
Old 04-24-2007, 03:05 PM
 
offwing's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: WNY
Posts: 282
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by bettyboopbikermom View Post
I do now realize that being 11 years old she is not able to stop her own manipulation. She is trying to make her mom happy. Because her mom has emotional issues she gets sad when DSD has fun with us . So, DSD makes up things that didn't happen and escalates what does happen to "prove" her dislike for being with us. This feeds her mom's insecurities. It is easy to be mad at DSD and hurt but I do realize she ultimately is the victim.
Good for you. That took a lot of guts and honesty to change how you were thinking about it and to be so honest about changing your mind.
offwing is offline  
Old 04-24-2007, 04:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
bettyboopbikermom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 19
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I feel SOOO much better now that I know this actually happens to OTHER people . Not that I would ever want anyone to go through it just that we are not crazy ! Also letting go of the anger towards DSD helped a lot. Now I am commited to helping her. I know that is wear I should have been from the start.
One man was killed when his 10 year old shot him over bs like this . It is so ad that adults who once cared for each other can become so evil and use their own children. There are so many kids who don't have a father, I was one of them .
I am determined to be the better person! I will pray for the BM. If she works out her own issues then my life would improve greatly. Maybe I can pray she finds a man.....?
bettyboopbikermom is offline  
Old 04-24-2007, 05:17 PM
 
bigeyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: hawaii
Posts: 7,360
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
pray for her to get help, you wouldn't want to wish her on some unsuspecting man, would you?

I'm so glad you're finding a way to work this out.

Not to threadjack, but that particular syndrome is close to what we have...I don't think they have 'aunt-induced parental alienation.'

We moved far away from all of the bad family influences on all sides of our family tree, but the damage is done and we've got to deal with it now. I am angry that not only did the aunts try to turn her against me, I didn't seek help early enough to prevent the past 2 years of conflict between dd and myself.

Their entire family is manipulative and unbalanced, whereas I only had parents who were nuts. Most of the rest of the family is pretty 'normal.' I just can't get over someone trying to damage their niece's (or in your case, sd) relationship with the sm. It's a case of them being so selfish they don't care who they hurt, especially when it's the child they claim to 'love so much.'

sigh

But back to you, YAY!!! Good going, keep us posted.

for intuitive readings click here :
bigeyes is offline  
Old 04-25-2007, 11:44 PM
 
UptownZoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: In the monkey cage...
Posts: 2,208
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Coming late to the party (that seems to happen to me a lot!). I'm so sorry this situation has gotten so complicated for you and your family.

Let me be blunt: you need help. Lots of it. These situations can get so convoluted, so ugly, so heartbreaking, that no family, no matter how intelligent, well-meaning, loving, etc., could ever hope to untangle things and make them work again. You are right that your SD is very manipulative, but she doesn't know or understand what she's doing. She can only do what works for her, to make her world feel as secure as she can possibly make it feel. Sounds like BM is unstable; it's hard to pin an unstable parent down and make them be the rock that a child needs a parent to be. So she's taking drastic measures. I'm glad you've chosen not to give her an ultimatum. My DD's BD gave her an ultimatum once (having to do with something much more minor than this, but she hurt his feelings and he struck out) and it wounded her deeply. Her (and she's 11 too) knee-jerk reaction was to reject him because what he said was so dramatic that it frightened her, and she just wanted to run to me for the sake of her emotional security. It's far, far too big a decision for an 11 year old child to make. Her behavior is motivated by something, and until the something is removed, she's powerless to change it. Your SD needs help to make this change.

OK, now for my little speech about the concept that is so dear to my heart: disengagement. Learning to disengage saved my family. I was so incredibly wrapped up in rage and resentment at SS's BM, as well as anger at DH and SS, that I was barely functional. I thought DH wouldn't even try to parent SS if I didn't push him. He was practically paralyzed by his guilt over the divorce. I believed I was holding everything together. But when I was practically suicidal over the whole mess (and it was messy; w/o boring you with all the ugly details, there were child abuse accusations, legal threats, quasi-stalking behavior, the whole nasty drill), I read about disengaging, got myself some professional help, and took the leap. No exaggeration: I believe that that action is the reason my family is intact today. I am at peace. DH and BM are SS's parents. They make the decisions. They bear the responsibility. I love my SS, but we have a relationship that is not parent/child. Hard to describe, since of course I am an authority/parental figure in his life. If you met me at a party and asked how many children I have, I would answer "four" (a number that includes my SS). But I'm not his parent. The best advice I can give you right now is step out of this situation. She's not your kid, this is not your battle. You can be your DH's sounding board, support, advisor, whatever, but his co-parent of his DD is his ex-wife.

I think mediation could really help your DH and BM to sort things out, but all you can do is suggest it to your DH. The best thing to do right now is to lay down the reins. If DH doesn't pick them up immediately, breathe, do yoga, walk around the block until you pass out, whatever it takes to let those reins lay. Your DH will probably pick them up eventually, but even if he doesn't, this isn't your battle.

I wish you the best. I feel so heartbroken for you; I remember all too well how much this stuff hurts. We even had some ILs involved in our situation (they got in on the abuse-accusation act), and there's little in life that has hurt me worse. Hang in there, and know that you're not alone.

computergeek2.gif

UptownZoo is offline  
Old 04-26-2007, 09:58 AM - Thread Starter
 
bettyboopbikermom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 19
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thanks everyone.
I have made an appointment with both a counselor and a lawyer. DH is not ready to throw in the towel yet, which is surprising. He is hurt that DSD thinks of him as "disposable".
Everyone is right, I am not her parent. For that I am glad! I have much greater expectations for MY children and I therefor get much greater results. I just want DSD to grow up mentally healthy, which at this point seems unlikely.
bettyboopbikermom is offline  
 
User Tag List

Thread Tools


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off