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#1 of 38 Old 04-20-2007, 09:35 AM - Thread Starter
 
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i have been SM of 11yr DSD for 7 yrs. She is NEVER disiplined! My DH thinks we don't have her enough to make a difference. I am tired of letting her get away with stuff.
Ex, most recently she got an F and 2 D's on her report card. She, and her mom told her dad that she got A's B's and one C. But she wouldn't bring her report card to him. ( 2nd time this happened) We figured we would just wait till report card time again , which is now. After alot of her yelling at dad and the EX hanging up on him, finally when he took her home the Ex threw the card in the car and went inside with DSD.
So, the DSD didn't have to confess, look dad in the eye, apologize, NOTHING ! To make matters worse , after lying for 3 months she went home and LIED about me and said I yelled and cursed at her and called her names like " liar ". I DID NOT ! She deserved it but I didn't. She has lied about me A LOT . Hubby was with me the whole time and knows what happened.
So, instead of DSD getting in trouble , the hubby gets yelled at by Gma (his Mom) for upsetting DSD !! His mom bought the Ex a HOUSE across the street from her so she is ALWAYS in the middle.
I have had it with her behavior ! She should be disiplined but how can we disipline her when we only have her 1 day a week and 2 weekends a month ? Someone has to teach her that LYING is wrong ! PLEASE HELP ME
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#2 of 38 Old 04-20-2007, 02:06 PM
 
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I'll be interested to see the responses. My dd, technically sd, lies to me constantly, never does what is asked of her, and when I ask her why she says 'I dunno.'

Today it was all I could do to not smack her in the mouth! Thank god there was school today, because I think I might have hurt her if she was home with me after this morning. It scares me that I can get so mad at her, but I swear she wants me to feel like this or she'd just do what she's supposed to.

I can't understand why she seems to want to be in trouble all the time.

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#3 of 38 Old 04-20-2007, 02:10 PM
 
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1. Your MIL has no place in this relationship and needs to butt out. Your H needs to tell her so.
2. You cannot and will never be able to affect the way Ex does or does not parent. This is one of the shittiest parts of being a stepparent. Your H cannot affect it, either, unless Ex allows him to. This probably makes him feel something akin to impotence.
3. The Ex is condoning the lying and actually participating in it. Your SD will not learn truth if her mother is teaching her this. Your H needs to try to talk to Ex about it. But it may be that all he can do is talk to your SD about lying and truth and hope eventually some of it sticks.
4. Sd needs to be disciplined at your house. H needs to do this, not you. It doesn't matter how rarely you have her (and your schedule is the same as ours, which I dont' consider infrequent). If she isn't disciplined, for whatever reason, you will have no control over your household and she will not grow up to be a well-cared for child.

It is your H's responsibility to parent his child, not yours. The fact that it affects your life so profoundly seriously sucks, and means you should talk to him and try to get him to understand the repercussions of his actions. But the truth is, you don't have much power in this situation.
I'm sorry. BTDT.


ETA: My SS (11) has been acting out lately. Aside from it being typical 11 year old behavior, we have learned it is also because he is very unhappy. Could it be that your SD is unhappy (or yours, too, PP) and would benefit from counseling? These situations are rough on kids.
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#4 of 38 Old 04-21-2007, 02:40 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Well , life just gets worse. I text the Ex-wife about her condoning the lying and how that would effect the SD life. I didn't threaten her or call her names. Now, The MIL and Ex have gone to a lawyer and are seeking a temporary injunction to stop visitation on the grounds that our 5 year old molested the 11 yr old SD ! Of course this DID NOT happen , he's 5 ! And the Ex told the lawyer that she lied about the report card to protect her daughter from being beaten. My hubby does not even spank her ! He can't !
I am so at a loss as to what to do. If we give up then the SD will feel she wasn't worth fighting for. If we fight for her what would we win ? How can we ever have her around our 13 and 5 yr old boys after such accusations. We have to protect them too.
I love her but she is a brat and knows better and I can't help but be bitter. I know she's a child but I'm torn.
I am thankfull I found this forum. It is the first time I have been able to voice any of this and it helps.
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#5 of 38 Old 04-21-2007, 03:39 AM
 
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I'm so sorry this happened to you!

I understand how you feel, and I'm glad I don't have an ex to deal with.
You might want to follow your husband's lead on this one. Be sure to get the best lawyer you can, hopefully the judge will see through her for what she is really doing.



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#6 of 38 Old 04-21-2007, 02:43 PM
 
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I really think you need to back off a little. (Please don't be offended by that!) You shouldn't be texting or writing the Ex about how she parents her daughter. That is your husband's role.
Now that things have escalated-- I agree with Bigeyes. Follow your DH's lead and let him do the talking and make the decisions regarding the case. You need a good lawyer.
You also might want to consider counseling for your boys and yourself. These accusations are serious. I'm not saying it happened, but the fact that he's being accused may cause him problems.
Just my two cents.
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#7 of 38 Old 04-21-2007, 07:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I know the text wasn't my place but I have sit with my mouth shut for SOOOOO long and let them run over us. We have went through unimaginable hoops just to have the right to see her. Then when we do have her if we correct her at all, we get in "trouble" for it. Her mom actually took her to the doctor because she thought we hurt her legs by making her stand in the corner for 9 mins (she was 9/1min per year= 9 min). My DH's buisness burned down in Oct and we are in the middle of rebuilding and don't have the strength to fight anymore. I'm hurt and bitter. The molestation accusation came from my then 4 yr old lifting up her (11yr old ) skirt and saying " I see London..... She always says that to him when he doesn't button his pants after bathroom visits. The DSS has given my 13 yr old 3 black eyes and she dislocated my 5 yr old's elbow . And they say OUR boys are abusive . She is failing while our kids have straight A's . See, it's not that I think we can't win in court, I KNOW we well. But what are we winning ? How can I feel comfortable with her in our home? How am I to know that if I correct her she wont go make up more accusations. Or are we just not supposed to correct her at all ? I can't let my other childrens life be filled with such hatefullness. Add to that the in-laws. They control the Ex because they bought her house for her across from them. We will not let them control us and so they always side with her. My DH is facing the betrayal of his daughter and his parents even though they KNOW it is all lies. I'm sure when some of you read this you will think that some of it has to be true in order for the in-laws to be involved. We take our children to church every Sunday and the little strenght we have comes from knowing that we have always done what's right even if it is not popular. Sorry for the length and thanks for all the advice. Keep it coming.
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#8 of 38 Old 04-21-2007, 07:51 PM
 
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can dh let dsd go? Is he willing to let her go to the ex to protect the other kids, or does he want to fight for her?

I don't have any advice, but I'm sympathetic. This is a terrible situation for you to have to deal with.

I'd also hate to be in your dh's shoes, what an awful choice he's facing.



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#9 of 38 Old 04-21-2007, 08:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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He is willing to let her go if need be. I just worry that she will take from that , that the crazy people were right and we didn't love her. Plus my 5 year old is overwhelmed because he loves his sis and his Grandparents. DH's parents are the only grandparents they have.I want to tell DSS that the ball is in her court and she has to decide what to do with it. She knows the truth and if she wants to be part of our lives then she needs to tell the truth , if not we don't have much reason to fight anyway.DH thinks that she is a child and shouldn't have to .:

I am thinking about placing an add for some grandparents to adopt us !
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#10 of 38 Old 04-21-2007, 08:24 PM
 
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Dunno what to tell you. I think he's going to have to decide, and it's a real heartbreaker.

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#11 of 38 Old 04-21-2007, 08:33 PM
 
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I would NOT stop fighting for this child if I were you. I understand that it's insanely hard for your family to be dealing with this... but I think you would be doing your SD a disservice by backing off. I think the other posters are right in saying that communication with his ex should be done by your DH. I also think the vast majority of the discipline should come from yoru DH, though I would say that it is massively important for you and him to be on the same page. To discipline is to teach. Set the example. Model kindness and honesty in your home. Grab some books on GD and start applying those principals to your life with your SD. Go to court if you have to. She will grow up and see everything you've done for her and even if it doesn't seem to be getting through to her NOW, you are being a positive infuence that she just wouldn't have AT ALL if you weren't there.

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#12 of 38 Old 04-21-2007, 09:05 PM
 
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I completely agree with everything Selesai has said. I cannot count how many times I have been furious at something my stbsd's mom has done. But I have never once said anything to her. And as I've said before, I am always grateful later. It's hard because it affects your life, but in the end, it is not your place. Dr Joy Brown (radio psychologist) often says that a stepparent should be a "good friend and a good host," meaning, it is ok to advise your stepkids, but in most cases it does not work to be their parent. Even though my stbsd is very young and lives with us 1/2 the time, I live the vast majority of the parenting to him. I figure, she has a mom, and regardless whether I agree with her mom's choices, she does not need another one.

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#13 of 38 Old 04-22-2007, 09:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Here's what we came up with; the next time DH gets DSD he is going to take her by herself and talk to her. He will tell her that we can no longer live this way and it is time for her to decide if she wants to be part of our life or not. If she does then she HAS to start telling the truth. We can no longer fight because we are too busy fighting against her to fight for her. Every time she gets in the least bit of trouble she makes up lies about me or our boys or DH because she knows it'll get DRAMA started and keep her from actually getting in trouble. This can no longer work. So far DH has always obeyed the rules, and there are MANY, set forth in order to see her. He is the father and is the morally right one. He as the father should LEAD his children but he can't lead her if he's following them. It shows DSD that her father is weak because he always gives in to her mom even though she knows her mom is wrong.
Her mom wants to be her friend but her dad wants to be her father.We can not walk on eggshells wondering what she'll lie about next. It is unfair to us and our other children. He will tell her that he loves her and is willing to fight for her but only if he is also fighting with her. If we fight for her and she doesn't want to be here anyway then what's the point anyway ? And we know she likes to be with us. I think a lot of her lies are to help her mom because she doesn't want her mom to think she actually loves us too.? so.....?
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#14 of 38 Old 04-23-2007, 01:17 AM
 
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That's such a hard place to be. I think he's got the right idea though, telling her it's her choice. There are probably people who wouldn't agree with that, but he's trying to preserve the rest of his family, right?



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#15 of 38 Old 04-23-2007, 04:13 AM - Thread Starter
 
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You are exactly right , we have to look out for our other children too. Not to mention this constant drama is exhausting. With the new accusations being so serious we really are left with very few choices. DSD needs to also understand the seriousness of the accusations. Anyway we will be investigated this week and hopefully it'll be quick and painless. Thanks for all the input.

Step-parenting has to be the hardest job on the planet !
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#16 of 38 Old 04-23-2007, 01:03 PM
 
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[QUOTE=bettyboopbikermom;7922992]Here's what we came up with; the next time DH gets DSD he is going to take her by herself and talk to her. He will tell her that we can no longer live this way and it is time for her to decide if she wants to be part of our life or not. If she does then she HAS to start telling the truth. We can no longer fight because we are too busy fighting against her to fight for her.



[QUOTE]


Chicken poop... in no way do you ever tell the child this!!!! PLEASE get your bettyboop into a counseling office. A father, a REAL father would never tell a child that is a minor this, or ask HER to make the decision. Please, Please, PLEASE get into counseling for the father and daughter. YOU are a secondary relationship, and you really have no right to make demands upon your husband about his relationship with his daughter.
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#17 of 38 Old 04-23-2007, 01:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I never made any demands on my husband! However, I can not allow my home to be disrupted constantly and my other children to be jepardized. We are going to counseling but not with DSD since his Ex will not allow it. I may be secondary to thier relationship but I have my own children and home to think about here. I have strangers looking through my home all because of a bunch of lies started by this 11 year old. Yes, she is a minor but isn't it about darn time she learns to be responsible for her actions ?
It would be nice if you are so inclined to tell me what I absolutely should not do that maybe you could tell me what I SHOULD do ! I'm not trying to be ugly but i need information that will help. I do not understand why asking her to stop the lies if she wants to be part of our life is such a bad idea? What happens when the accusations get worse ? This is serious and she needs to understand that. I don't want my boys to be the "kids that were accused of touching thier sister " . No matter how many courts find the allegations ridiculous that will still follow them. Who is going to protect them?
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#18 of 38 Old 04-23-2007, 01:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Boobybunny,
It really upsets me that you didn't read all my posts before making such an opinionated, hurtful post about me.
I am not coming in between my DH and DSD. I am the reason he hasn't given up already. He was tired of fighting years before now. The fight just keeps getting worse and now it is involving my boys.
He is a REAL father and the notion that he isn't is hurtfull. Why else would we even be trying ? Do you not see what he is giving up for his child ? The same child that would rather LIE about him than face him for making F's ? The same child that would accuse her 5 year old brother of things that he wouldn't even understand?
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#19 of 38 Old 04-23-2007, 02:13 PM
 
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WOW! I actually feel bad for the 11 year old. But, I can say that, because I have never been around her.

Her Mom actually did the lying. It wasn't really the daughter. This is what she has learned from her Mom. I have actually been guilty of similar things. In my mind they are justified. But, really, the truth would be O.K too. I have taught her to lie to make things easier. 8(

I feel bad about the whole situation. My husband's ex is like this too, she was very jealous of his relationship with their daughter. But, she never went this far.
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#20 of 38 Old 04-23-2007, 02:41 PM
 
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What a horrific situation My 12 yr old son is really a rough kid to love sometimes, because of everything he has been through. I could go on for hours about all the trouble he has caused out of hurt, anger, resentment, bad behavior modeling, etc.

Going by what you have said in your previous posts, you and your DH are the only TRUE positive influence in this poor little girl's life. I let my son decide which parent he wanted to be with, when he was probably 8 years old. He chose to stay with his dad, so I let him go out there for the summer (with some visitation). It was the biggest mistake I ever made. At 12 years old, he still ripple effects from it. Being with his dad and not seeing me for longer periods of time took away the good influence in his life to balance out the bad and things really went to heck. She may be acting aggressively and lying a lot (btdt!) but she just has to be hurt and confused under it all. They say that anger is a symptom of another emotion, more than an emotion unto itself, and I truly believe that.

I'm not sure what the situation is, that your husband has all these hoops to jump through in order to see his daughter. I can understand no spanking, maybe things like time limits, bedtimes, just general parenting "stuff", but there is NO WAY she has a right to deny them counseling.

I would like to tell you what I would do. Please don't take it as a lack of sympathy for what you are goiing through, because I really really feel for you.

I would encourage my DH to tell his daughter that he is not giving up on her, that he will NEVER give up on her, and that he loves her and she is a part of him. (not speaking of technical arrangements, but the feeling that she is a part of his life and is important to him really might be an issue for her...especially if there's a nasty ex whispering bad things in her ear) Then, I would take the lawyer stuff, and turn it around. I'm sure that the court would love to hear the list of stipulations made that include not seeking family counseling. The court can force counceling, and I think that the daughter really REALLY needs it to make sense of the crazyness that is going on right now. They need counceling (the daughter and your husband), you all need family counceling. Its tough dealing with a kid who is so frustrating and seems so angry and vindictive, and trying to understand whats behind that feeling might make life a little better for you all.

So, if it was me, after forcing the counceling issue, if those involved all still think its in the child's best interest to go with mom completely, I would step back and allow it to happen (again making sure she knows that no matter how much of a brat she is, you all still love her and will be there when she is ready to be a part of it again) I don't think my son could make the decision about who he wanted to live with completely on his own, but I do think that he would be a welcome part of the decision making process.

In the best world, you could all sit down together, mom, dad, step mom, daughter, and discuss it and come up with a good solution, but unfortunately it seems like the only way this could happen is if you used your court time to get a mediator, to help with the conversation.

I hope it works out for you all, no matter how it ends. I feel for you. My DH feels for you too (as a step dad to a very unusual child, he has a lot of the same frustration issues that you do, with our son not functioning "as he should". we're just lucky that we don't have the outside influences that you have to deal with, anymore)
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#21 of 38 Old 04-23-2007, 04:20 PM
 
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Originally Posted by bettyboopbikermom View Post
Here's what we came up with; the next time DH gets DSD he is going to take her by herself and talk to her. He will tell her that we can no longer live this way and it is time for her to decide if she wants to be part of our life or not. If she does then she HAS to start telling the truth. We can no longer fight because we are too busy fighting against her to fight for her.
I think this is just awful. My SS is 11. I know the age. You think they're teenagers, but they are still children. They just don't always look or act like it.

You cannot make a child choose between their parents. Your SD's life is already confusing, difficult, and painful because the two people she loves most in this world fight, argue, speak badly about each other, and live apart. It is completely immoral for you to suggest to her-- for anyone to suggest to her-- that she has to "decide." She's a child. She needs to be taken care of.

This situation isn't her fault. She's being manipulated by her mother, whom she trusts as any child is supposed to trust a parent. I know it must be very difficult for your DH but the child isn't the problem. The ex, the MIL, etc.-- they are.

If you (i.e. your DH) do this to your SD she will never forget, and it will permanently affect her. On those nights when she is alone with her mother, not having seen or spoken to her father in weeks, do you think she'll really feel like "Oh, but this is ok, he said he'll always care about me." I don't think so. She is already damaged by and put in the middle of this situation. Don't worsen it.

There are other options.
As difficult as it is and has been having a SS, going through court battles, etc etc, I couldn't allow my DH to do this. THE CHILD IS NOT THE PROBLEM.
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#22 of 38 Old 04-23-2007, 05:28 PM
 
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I have to agree with Selesai and others that think that approach is very bad.

DSD may not be your first priority, but she should be with her father. And that plan makes it very clear to her that she is dispensible.

It won't matter to her that isn't the message you want her to get. A parent telling a child that she out of the family for telling lies seems horribly harsh to me.
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#23 of 38 Old 04-23-2007, 06:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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He would not be telling her to choose sides , just to tell the truth. She is being manipulated, yes, but she also has some control over the situation. She starts the lies and then sits back while everyone fights. If she didn't start the lie then wouldn't that solve at least some issues. We would NEVER tell her she is out of our family, EVER . Only that she has to tell the truth about us. Going to court is all fine, which we will do regardless. However accusations are serious and have to be stopped. How is my 13 year old son going to feel about his sis if she constantly and wrongfully bad mouths him and causes problems. The same for our 5 year old. They will eventually resent her and so will we. I am trying to stop the bus before it crashes. We will fight for her in the court system but if and when we win it will make her mom mad and then what if the accusations get worse, criminal even? Are we to keep hiring attorney after attorney to protect ourselves ? Whether it is through us or not she has to know that she can't push the ball without expecting it to roll into something before stopping.....?
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#24 of 38 Old 04-23-2007, 06:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Another quick note is that I am fairly confident if we fought for custody, we would win. But, then the DSD would resent us for taking her from her mom and worsen the situation. The accusations may become worse because she would be lashing out at us who she will see as the enemy. The DSD is in counseling with her mom but if they don't tell the truth about the situation , the counselor thinks that WE are the cause of the childs problems when in fact we are the only ones ACTUALLY lokking out for her. Thanks SOOOO much to everyone who is taking the time to read through all this drama. (even the ones I don't agree with 8) )
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#25 of 38 Old 04-24-2007, 04:30 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Since BM refuses to let DH pick up DSD for court -ordered visitation can he refuse to pay child support ? Both are court ordered ? He was going to open a savings account in DSD's name and deposit the child support amount in it every month until we go back to court . That way it will show that he didn't use the child support money .
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#26 of 38 Old 04-24-2007, 07:31 AM
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No, he can't. visitation and CS are separate legal issues. The worst thing he can do to further his case to see his daughter is to withhold CS.
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#27 of 38 Old 04-24-2007, 09:16 AM
 
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Another quick note is that I am fairly confident if we fought for custody, we would win. But, then the DSD would resent us for taking her from her mom and worsen the situation.
That should not stop a father who thinks his child is being mistreated and raised in an emotionally absuive home (which is what you are describing) from taking her out of there.

You wouldn't withhold medical treatment from a child because it will hurt and you are afraid the child will resent you.
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#28 of 38 Old 04-24-2007, 09:18 AM
 
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Originally Posted by bettyboopbikermom View Post
She is being manipulated, yes, but she also has some control over the situation.
She's 11 right? I think you are seriously over estimating the ability for an 11 year old to resist taking the easy way out when being encouraged and coached to do so by her custodial parent.
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#29 of 38 Old 04-24-2007, 12:55 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MamaNosBest View Post
No, he can't. visitation and CS are separate legal issues. The worst thing he can do to further his case to see his daughter is to withhold CS.
Yeah. He should file a motion for contempt with the court, for her refusing visitation.

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Originally Posted by offwing View Post
That should not stop a father who thinks his child is being mistreated and raised in an emotionally absuive home (which is what you are describing) from taking her out of there.

You wouldn't withhold medical treatment from a child because it will hurt and you are afraid the child will resent you.
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Originally Posted by offwing View Post
She's 11 right? I think you are seriously over estimating the ability for an 11 year old to resist taking the easy way out when being encouraged and coached to do so by her custodial parent.
: again. Children who are physically abused by their parents will continue to seek their love and affection. I believe the same is true for children who are abused/manipulated in other ways. That is how important it is to a child that they have a relationship with that parent.
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#30 of 38 Old 04-24-2007, 12:56 PM
 
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I feel horribly for this child; she is going to need some serious therapy when she grows up. She probably already does, now.
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