11 yr-old stepdaughter and acrylic nails - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#31 of 50 Old 06-03-2007, 11:40 PM
 
kyangel80's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 514
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by mom3b1? View Post
I grew up in a blended family and am raising one. I don't have step children, but my children have a step father and a half-sibling on the way. When we got custody of the boys I was able to get a clause built into the agreement that I have final say on all issues that are in dispute. I have full custody, but he has liberal visitation rights (alternate weekends, alternate major holidays, 4 weeks in the summer).

When issues have come up about things the boys are allowed and not allowed to do I have gently, politely put my foot down. Acrylic nails aren't an issue for us, but violent video games are. Their father was letting them play "Far Cry" which is a very detailed realistic war game with lots of blood and realistic violence. It is rated M for mature. At the time the boys were 10, 7 & 5. He allowed even the 5yo to play this game. I made the rule that we do not have rated M games or R movies for the children. He seems to be sticking too it.

Personally, I think acrylic nails are ugly, even "tacky" but maybe they are fashionable in some places. That's just personal taste and opinion. I wouldn't make an issue of that. I try to respect my children's right to have bad taste, while influencing them to make choices I like better. They often wear things I'm not crazy about, but within limits.

Acrylic nails are also extremely unhygenic. People who work in the food industry are not supposed to have them. If a health inspector sees someone in McDonald's wearing them, that goes down as a health code violation. Until recently I worked at Barnes & Noble, and this is something that happened in our Cafe. Bacteria can get in under the fake nails. They can also lead to nasty yeast infections that can destroy a persons natural nails and the tissue that grow natural nails. They can cause irreversible damage. This I would fight over.

If a child or step child came to my house with them I'd march them straight down to the salon and have the things removed, each and every time. I'd probably let them pick out two or three crazy colors of nail polish, and decals, even if they were horribly ugly, to let the child express themselves, but make it clear that the acrylic things are not healthy.

I hope that helps!

Kiley
I just wanted to chime in here and say that I am a Nail Tech, I think I mentioned that before. Anyway, I think that acrylic nails are perfectly safe, though I don't wear them myself and also don't do them.

However, to the pp, if the nails are done properly they are merely an extension of the natural nail and would perform no differently. I hope that what you are saying is that long nails are a health hazard and not that all artificial enhancements are? I mean unless you want to get into the chemistry part, that could be considered a little toxic.
kyangel80 is offline  
#32 of 50 Old 06-03-2007, 11:54 PM
 
Brilliantmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Just out of the Valley of Badness
Posts: 488
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think if it were my family, I would have DSD CUT the false nails to an appropriate length, and discuss that her dad and I do not feel that artificial enhancement is appropriate at her age while she cuts and files them (trust me a tedious chore!)

As for the clothes, I think setting clear guidelines for what is accepted at your home is a good standard, especially before your DD and DSD get into thongs and belly shirts on their own. If she came over in something appropriate, she would change into something acceptable and you would hold the item, (maybe giving it back to bm at the transfer, e.g. "we don't allow the girls to wear spaghetti straps at our home, ")

I like the idea of taking DD for a manicure, maybe waiting until DSD is back with bm and using it as a discussion on what is appropriate at her age, i.e. a $10 manicure with lavender polish, not a $30 set of acryllic nails very long and painted hooker red!

Just my thoughts.
Brilliantmama is offline  
#33 of 50 Old 06-05-2007, 08:44 PM
 
mom3b1?'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 665
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by kyangel80 View Post
I just wanted to chime in here and say that I am a Nail Tech, I think I mentioned that before. Anyway, I think that acrylic nails are perfectly safe, though I don't wear them myself and also don't do them.

However, to the pp, if the nails are done properly they are merely an extension of the natural nail and would perform no differently. I hope that what you are saying is that long nails are a health hazard and not that all artificial enhancements are? I mean unless you want to get into the chemistry part, that could be considered a little toxic.

Perhaps there is newer nail technology that is not quite as big a hazard as what I've seen. I've known people with severely damaged nails (yellow and gooey from fungus) because of acrylic nails. The fungus was trapped underneath and ruined not just the nail, but the ability to grow healthy nails again. If there is a way to do them that is completely safe, then yes I'd agree it's just a style issue, not something to fight about. I don't bring up style issues to my ex, but I will bring up things that relate to my children's health. I usually also consult with their Doctor to see for sure how much of an issue needs to be made.

About nails: When I worked at Barnes & Noble (until this April) we had a Cafe. According to our local health code acrylic nails were not allowed to be worn by anyone handling food. All employees serving coffee and pastry in the cafe were required to remove their nails or seek other employement. There was plenty of purple hair, and unusual body peircing in fashion amoung the Cafe Staff, but nails were not allowed. When the health inspector found an employee acrylic nails serving coffee we lost points on our inspection and they began policing it very carefully. Booksellers could wear nails. This applied to long and short nails. So, there must be some risk or have been, a history of risk. My understanding is that bacteria and fungus live under the nail.

It may be that the code is behind the times, and the risk is lower. I'm sure if a salon is hygenic, and the nail wearer is hygenic, the nails are not as risky. Rules like these are often made for the lowest common denominator.

If I thought my step daugher was at risk of the yellow gooey fungus that I've seen in friends and aquaintences nails, I'd have them removed. If it was only a fashion thing, I'd probably let it go.

Kiley
mom3b1? is offline  
#34 of 50 Old 06-05-2007, 08:51 PM
 
mom3b1?'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 665
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brilliantmama View Post
As for the clothes, I think setting clear guidelines for what is accepted at your home is a good standard, especially before your DD and DSD get into thongs and belly shirts on their own.
I like the idea of taking DD for a manicure, maybe waiting until DSD is back with bm and using it as a discussion on what is appropriate at her age, i.e. a $10 manicure with lavender polish, not a $30 set of acryllic nails very long and painted hooker red!

Just my thoughts.
Thank God I have boys! Maybe I do want this next one to be another boy after all! I wasn't even allowed to have Barbie Dolls as a kid, and we were always meticulously dressed, OR ELSE. That was probably the only thing my parents agreed on! My sister and I used to try to sneak out to school in "play clothes" and Mom would catch us every time. No casual t-shirts, no empty belt loops, hair put up.... If I could have had purple nail polish I would have been over the moon, though I don't think it was invented yet when I was a girl. We did get manicures for special occasion, but only subtle shades of pink for polish.

Compared to how I was raised my boys have it easy. I let them wear t-shirts and jeans to school as long as they are in new condition, though I encourage shirts with collars (not getting very far with that!).

Kiley
mom3b1? is offline  
#35 of 50 Old 06-06-2007, 01:40 PM
 
kyangel80's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 514
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by mom3b1? View Post
Perhaps there is newer nail technology that is not quite as big a hazard as what I've seen. I've known people with severely damaged nails (yellow and gooey from fungus) because of acrylic nails. The fungus was trapped underneath and ruined not just the nail, but the ability to grow healthy nails again. If there is a way to do them that is completely safe, then yes I'd agree it's just a style issue, not something to fight about. I don't bring up style issues to my ex, but I will bring up things that relate to my children's health. I usually also consult with their Doctor to see for sure how much of an issue needs to be made.

About nails: When I worked at Barnes & Noble (until this April) we had a Cafe. According to our local health code acrylic nails were not allowed to be worn by anyone handling food. All employees serving coffee and pastry in the cafe were required to remove their nails or seek other employement. There was plenty of purple hair, and unusual body peircing in fashion amoung the Cafe Staff, but nails were not allowed. When the health inspector found an employee acrylic nails serving coffee we lost points on our inspection and they began policing it very carefully. Booksellers could wear nails. This applied to long and short nails. So, there must be some risk or have been, a history of risk. My understanding is that bacteria and fungus live under the nail.

It may be that the code is behind the times, and the risk is lower. I'm sure if a salon is hygenic, and the nail wearer is hygenic, the nails are not as risky. Rules like these are often made for the lowest common denominator.

If I thought my step daugher was at risk of the yellow gooey fungus that I've seen in friends and aquaintences nails, I'd have them removed. If it was only a fashion thing, I'd probably let it go.

Kiley

Yes, there are often clients whom I see who have badly damaged nails, like the ones you described. Most often those are the result of having nails done in what I refer to as a NSS (non-standard salon).

NSS's often, but not always, do not use the proper sanitation procedures to prevent the spread of infections such as the one's you described. Also, NSS's usually use a product called MMA. MMA has been prohibited by the FDA for use on the hands. MMA usually severly damages the nails. While it is basically illegal to use for artificial enhancements, it is not illegal to buy/sell, and is VERY easy to purchase and is VERY CHEAP which is why a full set of nails can typically be purchase for $30 or less. The government usually has only one inspector for the entire state. The MMA is placed in appropriately labeled containers and it is simply to costly to sample products at every salon at this time, therefore they get away with it.:

As for those working in hospitals and food service. Artificial nails are not allowed, that is correct. The reason, IIRCC, is b/c artificial enhancements are porous, therefore not fully sanitizeable, unless perhaps an individual would like to put their hands in an autoclave.

Bottom line: Artificial nails, when done properly, do not ruin ones nails. Nail Tech's, using improper product and procedure, ruin people's nails.

I just felt obligated to let everyone know that. *stepping down off soap box now*
kyangel80 is offline  
#36 of 50 Old 06-06-2007, 01:42 PM
 
thismama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Nursing the revolution
Posts: 14,356
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by pinksprklybarefoot View Post
If your dh has a problem with the nails and the parents have joint legal custody, he should have them removed. It is expensive to have them put on, so eventually bm will get sick of paying for it.
Well there is a way to put the child in the middle of a petty battle if I ever saw one.

I would let the nails go, and let your daughter get them too. Acrylic nails would not be my first choice, but larger family dynamics and everyone feeling welcomed and a part of things takes priority IMO. Fact is you are not a nuclear family, OP. Gotta make some creative compromises to make some family harmony.
thismama is offline  
#37 of 50 Old 06-06-2007, 02:12 PM
 
mom3b1?'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 665
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by kyangel80 View Post
Yes, there are often clients whom I see who have badly damaged nails, like the ones you described. Most often those are the result of having nails done in what I refer to as a NSS (non-standard salon).



Bottom line: Artificial nails, when done properly, do not ruin ones nails. Nail Tech's, using improper product and procedure, ruin people's nails.

I just felt obligated to let everyone know that. *stepping down off soap box now*
Thanks for explaining all that. It makes a lot more sense. I can understand how someone who felt their natural nails were unattractive might want to, especially for special occasions. Having seen the results of some of those products and practices you've mentioned I'm very leary, especially about children.

Kiley
mom3b1? is offline  
#38 of 50 Old 06-07-2007, 08:50 AM
 
offwing's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: WNY
Posts: 362
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama View Post
Fact is you are not a nuclear family, OP. Gotta make some creative compromises to make some family harmony.
I agree completely. Blended/Co-parenting families require a different approach to make them work. A certain amount of flexibility is vital.
offwing is offline  
#39 of 50 Old 06-07-2007, 09:11 AM
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 4,747
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by kyangel80 View Post
Yes, there are often clients whom I see who have badly damaged nails, like the ones you described. Most often those are the result of having nails done in what I refer to as a NSS (non-standard salon).
I don't know about where you guys live, but I would say that non-standard salons offering acrylic nails heavily outnumber those who follow sanitary procedures. I used to have them, and they would get a little funky anytime I had them for over a month or two.

My mom once explained the differences between salons to me, as explained to her by her nail tech (which was similar to what you said, kyangel80). She was paying twice what I was to get her nails done. So most people probably don't know the difference and go to the cheaper place, despite the risks.

I also want to revise my previous post - you guys are right. It is not fair to put the child in the middle. It just stinks that the two parents can't have a discussion about it and come to an agreement about how their child should be raised.

love.gif

pinksprklybarefoot is offline  
#40 of 50 Old 06-20-2007, 03:12 AM
 
dadinblue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 93
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Cause I am short on time. If this has been posted before, I apologize for repeating.

I am of two minds.

You need to have hard and fast rules in your home. You and your spouse need to set those rules and stick to them.

AND

Pick and choose your battles.

If you have 2 sets of rules, one for skid and one for biokid, then you breed resentlment and animosity; which you are already seeing.

So set rules. No fake nails in this house. Ever. That means you shouldn't have them either, in order to avoid the "Well you have themmmmmm..." whine-fest. No trashy clothes in the house. If she wears the 'hot-hot-hot' shirt, she changes IMMEDIATELY upon arriving at your house, and the unsuitable clothing spend the duration of her visit in a paper-bag on a shelf in the garage. Put her on a telephone-timer limit, either per friend or per day. When she's all used up, too bad. Go outside and play.

Kids are manipulative and adaptive. She'll try to work you to get her nails back and her whorish clothing etc. But kids crave routine and discipline (deep down inside) and she'll respond to it.

Now, about picking your battles... if your skid is only with you one day out of every 14, is it realistic to have the acrylics removed? No. Just make her wear gloves when she's over. have her father let her know that adult behaviour will not be tolerated from a pre-teen under his roof. What she does at her mother's house is between her and her mother. At HIS house... THESE are the rules.

Thankfully, I don't have to deal with this yet... although my oldest is 10 and she'll be make-uping and clothes-shopping soon. But she is also aware that there are two distinct sets of rules in her life, and dad's are more stringent.

Good luck to you.
dadinblue is offline  
#41 of 50 Old 06-20-2007, 03:54 AM
 
Mothra's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Posts: 2,109
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I can't imagine how confusing this situation must be for all children involved. I can't really say that I'd be able to expect an 11yo to do the "right" thing in this situation. The nails are on. It seems cruel to take them off with the expectation that her mother will have them put back on, and then you can take them off again.

I don't understand why rules have to be carved in stone. Sometimes we make rules and they don't work. We can make new ones. Maybe you can reconsider your stance on nails for your daughter. Maybe you can give your step-daughter more control over her body, which is clearly what her mother wants. There isn't going to be a cut and dried answer to this problem. Inflexibility seems to be an obstacle, though.
Mothra is offline  
#42 of 50 Old 06-21-2007, 01:57 AM
 
dadinblue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 93
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Rules for kids have to be firm, especially if the kids live more time elsewhere and 'visit' your home. They need to know what they are expected to do, how they are expected to act, say, wear etc. when they are at your home.

Imagine it this way: If... everyday that you went to work, you had to pause on the doorstep of you job and think to yourself "OK, what rules will be enforced TODAY? Will lunch be at 11 or 1? Will I have to share my desk with Stinky Ted today?"

While some people may enjoy the variability, children don't.

I guess I mis-typed when I said written in stone... but they shouldn't be easily, flippantly and frequently changed either.
dadinblue is offline  
#43 of 50 Old 06-21-2007, 11:31 PM
 
kyangel80's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 514
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
dadinblue!?!?!? Seriously, you find this a viable solution......wear gloves????
kyangel80 is offline  
#44 of 50 Old 06-22-2007, 01:02 AM
 
dadinblue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 93
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by kyangel80 View Post
dadinblue!?!?!? Seriously, you find this a viable solution......wear gloves????

If the skid is there one day out of 14 and taking the nails off would be onerous, expensive or dangerous? Sure. It lets the skid know that you recognize that she has the nails, that you don't like it, and won't subject yourself or the other members of the household to looking at them. If the skid wants to keep them on when she's at Dad's house, then she wears gloves. If she wants to wear the trampy clothing over to Dad's house, it spends the weekend in a paper bag on the shelf in the garage.

Sooner or later she'll get tired of wearing gloves at Dad's house. Right now it's a power-play by the skid, playing the mum against the dad. "Mummy lets me have fake nails and now you have to let me too."

Heck no, I sure don't have to. If the dad gives in, he's weakened himself forever in his daughter's eyes. If he stands his ground, he's seen as strong in her eyes, someone you can trust and know where you stand and also know what the rules are from week to week.

Don't fall into the trap. Stand your ground and keep the rules firm and appropriate for the skid's age(s). Rules will change along with the kid's age. But if you cave in on this issue and allow fake nails and trashy shirts, where does it stop? Brazillian wax? Peek-a-duck skirt? Racoon-mask eye makeup? Stilletto heels with thigh-high stockings?

Let 10yo kids be 10yo kids. She'll have the next 80 years to flaunt her budding sexuality. Delay the onset till she can handle it emotionally.
dadinblue is offline  
#45 of 50 Old 06-22-2007, 01:22 AM
 
genericmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 112
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My stepdaughter is only 8...9 next month. A few times she has come home from a weekend at her moms with the plastic nails that you super glue on...I think its not appropriate at her age to be walking around school with fake long nails on...so if she comes home with them I will tell her that she can enjoy them at home and playing but they need to be taken off by the time we leave for school in the morning. she's never given me a problem with that. Now as far as going to the salon to have acryllics put on...no way at this age..or even 12. We would have her take them off(or take her to have them removed if its necessary) if she has school and we'd let mer mom know that we dont feel that is acceptable for her at school. We have better communication between eachother now that I think she could atleast abide by those wishes of ours especially since they are with us 90% of the time and attend school, ect with us!

I love having my nails done, it makes me feel like a WOMAN(key word here) to have nice long french manicures done. I still dont have them on 24/7...usually just for special occasions. They just aren't that needed when Im taking care of 4 kids, cleaning everyday and cooking Same reason there really shouldn't be any reason for a 12 year old to have them....her mother can go buy her some nice healthy polish for her to grow her own nails and maybe do salon time at home painting eachothers nails.

I think high school is probably the soonest I think would be appropriate and thats just for dances and proms...

Good luck with this! I hope it works out best for all involved.
genericmom is offline  
#46 of 50 Old 06-22-2007, 01:25 AM
 
genericmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 112
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by dadinblue View Post
If the skid is there one day out of 14 and taking the nails off would be onerous, expensive or dangerous? Sure. It lets the skid know that you recognize that she has the nails, that you don't like it, and won't subject yourself or the other members of the household to looking at them. If the skid wants to keep them on when she's at Dad's house, then she wears gloves. If she wants to wear the trampy clothing over to Dad's house, it spends the weekend in a paper bag on the shelf in the garage.

Sooner or later she'll get tired of wearing gloves at Dad's house. Right now it's a power-play by the skid, playing the mum against the dad. "Mummy lets me have fake nails and now you have to let me too."

Heck no, I sure don't have to. If the dad gives in, he's weakened himself forever in his daughter's eyes. If he stands his ground, he's seen as strong in her eyes, someone you can trust and know where you stand and also know what the rules are from week to week.

Don't fall into the trap. Stand your ground and keep the rules firm and appropriate for the skid's age(s). Rules will change along with the kid's age. But if you cave in on this issue and allow fake nails and trashy shirts, where does it stop? Brazillian wax? Peek-a-duck skirt? Racoon-mask eye makeup? Stilletto heels with thigh-high stockings?

Let 10yo kids be 10yo kids. She'll have the next 80 years to flaunt her budding sexuality. Delay the onset till she can handle it emotionally.


I just wanted to say I get your point and agree with you completely!!
genericmom is offline  
#47 of 50 Old 06-22-2007, 11:16 PM
 
kyangel80's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 514
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Well, I see your POV. I suppose the difference for me is that 'nails', rather they be fake or real, aren't an issue for me. I don't see a difference in having natural nails or fake as I am a Nail Tech and when I do 'fake' they look natural, SWIM?

In fact, the nail growth starts to peak between age 11-14 IIRCC. I respect other people's choices but I am having difficulty with the portrayal of finger nails here is all.
kyangel80 is offline  
#48 of 50 Old 06-26-2007, 01:11 AM - Thread Starter
 
ceggert's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 2
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thanks for all the great advice. I just thought I would share how we handled the situation. We decided not to force DS to remove the acrylic nails, however we clearly gave her the message that they were against our rules and we absolutely did not support her having them. We have her 50% of the time, so we told her she was not to come to us if she wanted a fill or if one broke. My daughter accepted that we had no control over the situation and stopped complaining. But she told DS what she thought, that she did not think it was right for her to have them knowing it was against our rules. DS ended up getting tired of them. I think they were getting in the way of her piano playing and our relatives would make negative comments about them to her. Plus, I think she was tired of me asking her to stop tapping her nails all the time. DS promised DH that she would take them off on the last day of school. We held her to her promise and the nails are off.

Hopefully they will stay off, but I know this is not so much an issue about the nails, but rather an issue of control between both parents. It is a difficult situation, because of both parents inability to co-parent. They have no understanding of the need to compromise in certain situations. They are going through yet a 3rd custody evaluation and my DH has a difficult time holding to his rules because he does not want to piss off his daughter. The result is that DS very well knows that if she does not get her way or what she wants at our house, she will get it at her moms. (monetarily, she can afford the constant spoiling) Unfortunately, her mom is using that to her advantage. (so DS has voiced to the evaluator that she likes it better at her moms because she gets to see her friends more often, she gets to do more things and there are no rules.) How sad for my husband that she would pick her friends over him. Our attorney said, you want to her happy, just give her whatever she wants and don't have all the rules. He agreed that is not the best for the child, but that is what he should do if he wants for his daughter to voice that she still wants to continue the 50/50 time with each parent. So there goes the boundries and structured household? I think not.........I was able to get my husband to understand that if he keeps back tracking on what he tells her, she will have no respect for him. And that a consistent and structured household is what sheas an 11-yr old, really wants and needs despite what she tells us. So for now, we are dealing with a difficult situation. I am hoping the evaluator will come up with a different recommendation this time, because his last two recs. resulted only in continued and on-going strife for all of us.
ceggert is offline  
#49 of 50 Old 08-25-2007, 06:52 PM
 
anj119's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Coeur d' Alene, ID
Posts: 181
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
ceggert,

In your post concerning the resolution of the nails situation, you once again have given me the indication that the main source of trouble between your husband and his daughter is you.

although this may sound like just wild crazy nonsense talk to you, would you for the sake of trying something new, just try to imagine
what it would take
for you
to allow him to make the decisions concerning how to parent his own biological offspring
all by himself?

why are you asking him to choose the wisdom of your way
over the wisdom of his own heart and the feelings he has inside of it for his daughter?

your 'stick to the rules' 'don't be weak' 'do not allow yourself to be manipulated' bs is inappropriate and is completely totally out of line as it concerns the future framework for the changing growing relationship between them.
yes, you will have to probably watch him make decisions that you would not make, were you in the same situation. You will probably think he makes a few mistakes and you will probably have several opinions on what he should instead do or say or think or feel.

if you respect him, don't poison him with self doubt. if you love him, love what is in his heart and encourage him to express it. don't berate him for it. if he comes to you for strength.... give it to him. tell him how confident you are in his ability to do the right thing for his daughter. he is trying.
and there you go

with this blahblahblah bs about 'we decided' and 'how sad for my husband she would choose her friends over her own father'
That is just about as sad as him choosing to carry out your wishes
over his own concerning his own daughter.
'i was able to get my husband to understand that if he keeps backing down...'

you call it backing down
and much can be understood about your position simply by the words you have chosen to define it

bah
-anj119
anj119 is offline  
#50 of 50 Old 08-26-2007, 07:06 AM
 
~PurityLake~'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Anchorage, Alaska, US
Posts: 6,153
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oriole View Post
Once DSD came over wearing flip flops and it the next day we had snow mixed with rain. Cold weather - appropriate clothing/shoes.
*shrug* Am I alone on this one?
Oh, you're not alone.
For several weekends this summer, BM had been sending J over with flip flops and no jacket or coat.
I asked him why no coat or shoes?
He said that his mom didn't think he needed them because it is summer so it won't rain and besides, if it rains she doesn't want him to get his nice tennis shoes all diry.

So, I asked her about them, just asked, so what's the deal with the sandles and no coat?
She told me her thinking, and I said, yeah, but it's pretty hard to predict the weather around here. It has rained every weekend. She said yeah, but I don't want him to get his shoes dirty, and I said, but then he can't go outside to play and that's not fair.

It was a very civilized and respectful conversation.
This weekend, he showed up with real shoes, but still no coat.

Baby steps with her, I guess.

Katreena, peace.gif 39 year old Alaskan treehugger.gif Mama to 1 hearts.gif and 1 lady.gif gd.gif
 
 
 
 

~PurityLake~ is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off